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    Old 09-03-2004, 07:36 AM   #1
    Greenoctopus18
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    Should I feel hurt or am I over-reacting?

    I will just get straight to the point - should I expect a guy I have been seeing since the beginning of June to want to spend time with me?


    I just would like to know because I am starting to develop feelings for him and I don't want to get hurt.
    I plan to have a discussion tomorrow afternoon about this, but I am feeling kind of lonely tonight with no one to talk to for advice.


    We met earlier in the year but I was in a (bad) relationship that I didn't want to be in, but the fact that I was prevented anything from happening between us. We saw each other a few times. After I broke up with my long relationship I dated a couple of other people and unfortunately whenever I saw him I was in the middle of dating other people. I always liked him though. There was just something about him. He was not at all sleazy like other guys and respected the fact that I wasn't available. Coincidently (or not) we met at a party about a day after I became single. We arranged to see each other the next week and have been seeing each other since then.

    Initially we saw each other often, but not for long periods of time. It was usually late at night (11pm - 1 or 3 in the morning) after studying all day seeing as it was during the exam period.
    This semester we have still seen each other regularly.. but I think it is when he has nothing better to do - still late at night.

    I do not demand his time at all. I never call him unless it is in reply to a message he has left on my phone. I know that he calls me first thing when he wakes up each day (usually around 5 or 6 in the afternoon). When he calls we arrange a time to see each other. I generally plan to be asleep by 11 or 12 during the week, so I say to come over before 11. He usually gets there at about 10:50... 10:30 if I'm lucky.

    He goes out, a lot. At least 2-3 times a week. He always makes a point to come around and see me before he starts drinking... even if just to say hello. It seems like he really makes an effort a lot of the time.
    Reading over it seems like nothing... but I feel hurt. It might just be my mood tonight.

    An example is tonight - Friday night. He called earlier and asked if I was going to a certain party. I said I wasn't, which isn't that unusual for me, and he said he would be over before he went out, which would mean before 9pm.
    At 10:30 I assumed he forgot, which kind of hurt, but it wasn't a big problem. A bit later he called and said he got stuck in town at a friend's place and called as soon as he got back. He said sorry and I just said okay, or something similar and he said he really meant he was sorry. Then he asked if I was upset. I said no (but I was - and not sure whether I should be, which is why I ask this question).. and he said he could tell I was, but he didn't offer to come over at all before he went over to the party, like he had initially planned.. But, he was already late for the party.
    The thing is, this party is happening about 60 seconds walk from my room. The party is extremely informal. He could turn up any time he liked. If he knew I was hurt by him always saying he will call or see me at times and then not, then why not offer to see me for a minute before he left?
    I have been stood-up by him several times. Usually just because he sleeps all day and doesn't wake up before the time we say we'll meet.

    I hope I don't sound like I am complaining.
    I was in a relationship for almost 2 years prior to this and I think that has helped me know what I am looking for in a guy. I really like him, but I don't know whether it is okay to let him choose his friends over me EVERY time. I haven't ever made him feel guilty about standing me up. I know he feels bad enough about it so there is no need to make him feel worse - but perhaps I should.. just to let him know that I do mind.
    I am purposely trying to not let this relationship get serious. I know I like him, but I don't want to scare him off. So I don't want him to know that it hurts me because that suggests I like him a lot... but that would be normal after 3 months, woudln't it? No love, but strong feelings is normal by now?

    I don't know.
    Tomorrow I will ask whether he really has time for me or not. I would understand. He is a very socialable and sporty person... and he sleeps a lot.

    Thanks for any replies.

     
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    Old 09-03-2004, 07:51 AM   #2
    eightball61
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    Re: Should I feel hurt or am I over-reacting?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Greenoctopus18

    I don't know.
    Tomorrow I will ask whether he really has time for me or not. I would understand. He is a very socialable and sporty person... and he sleeps a lot.

    Thanks for any replies.


    I am guessing that you both are young and he still wants to go ot with buddies to do the guy things but you seem to be looking for a settling kind of guy. I am not going to doubt anything on this guy. He does make time to see you before he goes out or doesn't. Alot of couples that are together still go out with friends 2-3 times a week and still see eachother the rest.

    It isn't a bad thing on wanting him around more but you need assurence on his words. I am willing to bet that he does like you. If you both date then you will have to adjust to what he is like and he will have to do the same. You both will need to work as a team. You dont need to see each other everyday. Let him go out and you do the same.

    You have fallen for this guy overtime and that why I think you are feeling like this. You dont want to lose him but you dont want to be demanding or play head games either. Talk to him like you want to and give us an update.

     
    Old 09-03-2004, 08:11 AM   #3
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    Re: Should I feel hurt or am I over-reacting?

    Iím confused for the fact that youíre seeing this guy but, have you ever gone out on a date?

    Also seems to me he is interested in you but you havenít made any effort to respond to his affection. Heís calling you when he wakes up, he checks in on you, you know his schedule and sleep routine. You two have something for each other but you did post that you hooked up for a late night snack or coffee or whatever you two enjoy.

    Instead of having that ďtalkĒ why not ask him to go out someplace? Just the two of you.

     
    Old 09-03-2004, 08:50 AM   #4
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    Re: Should I feel hurt or am I over-reacting?

    Hi-
    I have to ask you why you are so interested in a guy who sleeps until 5-6 p.m. and parties all the time? I know when I was in college it was common for people to party 24/7, BUT college is also a breading ground for future alcoholics. Many people I knew like your guy who partied all the time aren't doing much different now years later. If you don't feel that he is giving you the time you deserve then maybe you should considering talking to him about it. If after talking to him you don't see any changes then maybe he is more caught up with college life at the moment rather than persuing a steady girlfriend. Keep us posted!

     
    Old 09-03-2004, 08:57 AM   #5
    eightball61
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    Re: Should I feel hurt or am I over-reacting?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe
    Hi-
    If after talking to him you don't see any changes then maybe he is more caught up with college life at the moment rather than persuing a steady girlfriend. Keep us posted!

    College life can be a big party life if he is in a Frat or whatever. I remember my first year I was going to classes drunk He may eventually shape up. I shaped up over a girl and t was the best decision I could ever make. I guess it depends on the talk and what is more important to him.

     
    Old 09-03-2004, 09:03 AM   #6
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    Re: Should I feel hurt or am I over-reacting?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    College life can be a big party life if he is in a Frat or whatever. I remember my first year I was going to classes drunk He may eventually shape up. I shaped up over a girl and t was the best decision I could ever make. I guess it depends on the talk and what is more important to him.
    Thats true..I too did my share of heavy partying..but I also never met a guy in college that wasn't a big partier as well and basically after one thing. I guess my point is in college in the party hard crowd it is pretty rare to actually have a relationship with someone. So if shes looking for a more serious relationship then maybe hes the wrong guy. Its all about hook-ups, etc. This guy may shape up, but he may not. I agree eightball that after they talk she'll have more of an understanding of what he wants.

     
    Old 09-03-2004, 09:06 AM   #7
    eightball61
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    Re: Should I feel hurt or am I over-reacting?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by elatedgiraffe
    So if shes looking for a more serious relationship then maybe hes the wrong guy. Its all about hook-ups, etc.


    She may not see it but I believe that this is whats happening here. She has fallen for him and wants to be in a more serious kind of thing. I am not doubting that he may try it or not because I did and it all worked out but he will need to make sacrafices.

     
    Old 09-03-2004, 11:07 AM   #8
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    Re: Should I feel hurt or am I over-reacting?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Greenoctopus18
    I will just get straight to the point - should I expect a guy I have been seeing since the beginning of June to want to spend time with me?
    You have been seeing him since June. Isn't that the same as spending time with him which is what you are asking? I am guessing you meant to say, spend more time with you.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Greenoctopus18
    I just would like to know because I am starting to develop feelings for him and I don't want to get hurt.

    ....

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Greenoctopus18
    I am purposely trying to not let this relationship get serious. I know I like him, but I don't want to scare him off. So I don't want him to know that it hurts me because that suggests I like him a lot... but that would be normal after 3 months, woudln't it? No love, but strong feelings is normal by now?


    You either have a relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) or you don't, but you need to define and understand what you have and what you want out of this friendship before you can figure out what to do next. Nobody wants to get hurt in a relationship but I am not sure if you are just friends at this point or if you are in a real relationship with him. I could be wrong but it seems to me that you are good friends at this point.

    Either way, you need to have a serious talk with him about where your friendship is at and where it is going or where you both want it to go if you really want some answers.

    It may be that at this point, he also senses you are not interested in serious relationship with him as well but may not realize your reasons for it. That may be why he feels free to come and go as he pleases. The fact that he does get to see you when time permits say to me that he does have an interest in you for some reason.

    You need to have that talk with him.

     
    Old 09-03-2004, 07:43 PM   #9
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    Re: Should I feel hurt or am I over-reacting?

    Hey,
    Thankyou for all of your replies.
    I was just in a bad mood last night... lacking sleep.

    - we are both 20 year olds.

    He is at a soccer game until late thisafternoon.. but then I will be sure to discuss things... because I would really like to know.
    I guess this is the first time I have felt things were so unstable. I don't know what he is thinking, but then he always calls, which suggests that he does like me. And I don't expect him to not do the things he wants... just I don't want him to call and say he will see me later on and then not turn up. I would rather he didn't call at all.

    I am just at the stage where I need to know what could be happening for the rest of the year.



    I am in Australia, so the fact that we don't date seems 'normal' to me. I'm not sure that it is. But the majority of people here don't seem to date straight off. They just meet one time and after a few weeks you discuss 'what we are' and go on from there.
    One of his friends told me after not long that he had been calling me his girlfriend, which was kind of a shock to me then. But if I do go out with him he always introduces me as his girlfriend to his friends.. so I don't know.
    I think he is just not very experienced in having a girlfriend so he doesn't know common courtesy.

    But I admit I am just as bad. I know it seems weird that I rarely ever call him. I just expect his call at around 6pm.
    Initially, I didn't call because I never knew when he would be awake or asleep and I didn't want to wake him.


    I was going to ask him to go to see a movie yesterday, which we both wanted to see back in June or whenever but it had left the cinema here and has now returned for a short time, however, he mentioned he didn't have any money prior to me being able to ask... so, I thought I wouldn't ask.


    The sleeping until late thing does kind of bother me. Sometimes he wakes up and goes to some lectures for a couple of hours and then goes back to sleep. That is just what he is like. When we first met he was staying up watching the european soccer competition, which was on from 2am until 7am every morning for about 10 days or so. He loves soccer so I thought that was why he slept weird hours... but it is like that all the time.
    I don't think he drinks all that much when he goes out. He mainly just goes to socialise... but I sometimes think he could spend one night with me.
    He always asks me to join him out, but I am very over partying more than once per week.. at the most. I get too tired.


    I know we have been boyfriend/girlfriend in the past. I just don't know whether he has thought about whether that is what he truely wants. Or whether it is what he wants more.
    I am pretty sure we are not just friends. We haven't ever done anything sexual, which seems strange to me. But I see that as more of an indication that he does respect me. When he comes over I know he is not expecting anything to happen anymore.



    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hoop
    It may be that at this point, he also senses you are not interested in serious relationship with him as well but may not realize your reasons for it.
    This is what I am worried about. But I don't want to hint that I like him too much or he may not like that.
    I will explain my reasons for not calling him, etc and tell him I have some feelings and that I want to know what his intentions are now, rather than later, so I can know how to feel. I am at a point where I need to make a decision.. and really it is up to him, because I know that I like him. I just need to know what he is feeling.


    I will let you know later on when I find out.


    I think things will be ok. Last night I was in one of those moods where everything seems to be going wrong.

    Last edited by Greenoctopus18; 09-03-2004 at 08:16 PM.

     
    Old 09-04-2004, 06:32 AM   #10
    eightball61
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    Re: Should I feel hurt or am I over-reacting?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Greenoctopus18


    I know we have been boyfriend/girlfriend in the past. I just don't know whether he has thought about whether that is what he truely wants. Or whether it is what he wants more.
    I am pretty sure we are not just friends. We haven't ever done anything sexual, which seems strange to me. But I see that as more of an indication that he does respect me. When he comes over I know he is not expecting anything to happen anymore.

    .

    This is probably about respect or he may just accept you as a very close friend and doesn't want to cross that path. Talk to him though and share your feelings. Let him know how you truelly feel and what you may like to happen. Have a good weekend.

     
    Old 09-04-2004, 07:10 AM   #11
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    Re: Should I feel hurt or am I over-reacting?

    I don't know about Australia, but I can tell you that they surest way I can shut my husband down from talking to me is to announce "We need to Talk".

    It seems to set up an automatic shut down because (like many other women) I tend to discuss something into the ground. And expect him to be as aware of his emotions as I would a girlfriend. While most women operate out of the relationhip & feeling modes, most men will appreciate:

    1) No build up to "the talk", just come out with a short declarative sentence.
    2) A short discussion - don't drag it out waiting for revelations he can't come up with.
    3) Avoid the phrase "how do you FEEL about that".
    4) Be direct - most men don't read between the lines.

    Is this fair? Probably not.
    To those who think a man "should" be able to discuss their feelings, I agree.
    Is this a realistic expectation in most cases? No.

    College is a tough time to form a relationship. Especially if one of you has any partying to get out of the system (with the danger already mentioned that signs of alcoholism can appear at the same time).
    Can you be a girlfriend without becoming exclusive so that you are free to hang out with other guys too?

    Personally if I were you I would quit arranging to be available at times of day he expects you to be available.
    Arrange for a time a week ahead to go out (Shh - its called a date!)
    Fight off the Pairing Off impulses, and enjoy the time with him.

    There aren't many 20+ yrs olds (Like Jeff!) who are so aware of their emotional content that they can provide you with what you're looking for now.
    Can you put that need to be serious with someone on the back burner?
    Or move on and look for that guy who studies, goes to classes, and doesn't party?

    Last edited by Ruth6:11; 09-04-2004 at 07:12 AM.

     
    Old 09-04-2004, 08:16 AM   #12
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    Re: Should I feel hurt or am I over-reacting?

    Hi.
    Thanks.

    When he came over I had someone else here, so the 'talk' didn't really happen tonight.
    By the time we were alone we just watched a movie and then he left.
    He did mention last night and said sorry again and said that for next time I am angry/annoyed at him to just tell him straight out.


    I like to think it is respect. I am pretty sure it is.
    I am not sure (I know I should have made him talk!), but I think he feels a bit the same for me. The fact that he makes time for seeing me means something. And when we watch a movie together he always 'squeezes' me during the 'romantic' bits. I don't know if that means anything. It is hard for me not to tell him I like him sometimes. I guess I should just come out and say how I feel. If he feels at all the same he shouldn't be scared away.

    I think it is hard because I haven't really liked any guys since I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. He was really hurt and I don't want to hurt anyone like that again. But I don't want to be hurt myself either.

    I think I can definately be a girlfriend that doesn't expect too much time. I enjoy lots of time to do my own things. It is my final year at uni, so I am never out of things to do. If he called and said he had other plans I wouldn't have a problem. It is just when he calls and says he will see me and then doesn't remember to...


    I always thought that after my last boyfriend I would find someone completely different - someone who is ambitious, studious, etc. but then I met this guy.. and I can't help but like him. I don't think I can move on just yet before knowing what might happen.


    Thanks again.

    If/when I get around to that talk I will post back if anything of interest occurs.

     
    Old 09-04-2004, 09:12 AM   #13
    eightball61
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    Re: Should I feel hurt or am I over-reacting?

    Guys are willing to talk but they have to be opened some how. I have never been open up until this past relationship. I have always held stuff in and never wanted to talk abut anything.

    As for you boyfriend he does have somthing to talk abot and maybe you should talk him. Ask him questions and let him know you are here to talk.




    Ps thanks ruth

     
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