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    Old 09-20-2004, 01:46 AM   #1
    BrutusBranyon
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    Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    Hey All,

    I have touched on this subject on the Pregnancy board but I figured I'd try again here but in a more detailed way.

    My girlfriend has been all over the place during her pregnancy, and I have become the whipping boy about everything. There have been a few times here & there where things seem to be on track but they seem to revert back very quickly. I know she is having all the typical fears that go along with being pregnant, and her mom is back & forth with her in terms of being supportive of her, though her dad is better in that regard, none the less it's not easy. I am very sympathetic about what she has to deal with, but I am having a very hard time dealing with the lashing out at me, especially when she says that we should break up & not be "together" during this time. It makes no sense to me, and makes even less sense when I try to get her to explain it to me, so I don't even bother anymore.

    2 weeks ago we talked it out, or so I thought. She said it had more to do with her mom's lack of support with the added parts of herself not thinking she will be a good mother to our child, not being a good girlfriend & more to me, thinking I won't want to be intimate with her anymore when she's full blown out pregnant, I won't see her as anything more than a "mother" when our baby is born. And fearing the way she has handled things with me will come back to haunt her.

    I tried my best to reassure her on everyone of those subjects, and she should know me better than that anyways, snd she says it's her hormones & was sorry.

    I felt it was a good talk, we had a break through & were moving forward. Now we are 2 weeks later, pretty much to the day & it's back the way it was again. And she keeps saying that we shouldn't be together, and lets do this as friends.

    I want to justify things again by believing in the whole hormones thing & the lack of support from her mother, and general fears, but it's taking a heavy toll on me. In all honesty, I don't know what to believe from one day to the next. It's stressful enough going through a pregnancy as the father to be than having all this continually being an issue. I really thought us finding out that we were going to become parents would have brought us closer than ever before, and strengthening the bond we already have, but instead it's driving a wedge between us.

    Another element I would like to add is there is a guy she talks to online, and has for 3 years from my understanding, and at some point back in the Spring he made it known that he has feelings for her. I think that is unfair of him to do so, especially when she's involved with someone. He supposedly felt guilty for admitting it said he'd back off & leave her alone, but she trying to be nice said it wasn't necessary. But I feel as if this is playing a role in things, mainly cause she talks to him still, and talks about us & what we are going through. I for one feel it is none of his business, and don't even like the fact she talks to him at all him trying to make a move. I made my feelings known on that at the time, and she more or less was insensitive in how I felt. I kind of wonder if he is still pursuing her? And if that is the case, why would he when she is pregnant with our child? And why would she even let someone try & get close to her while we are going through it? I might be way off, but I am wondering & it's a subject that causes alot of trouble when I try to talk about it. She even goes as far as to say, don't ask me to stop talking to him. But to me, if this guy is still pursuing her especially when she talks about things to do with us, it's easy for him to play the super good guy & say I wouldn't do this, or I owuldn't do that or this is what I'd do, etc etc etc. It really messes with things, especially considering she is pregnant & already emotional as it is. And of course that leads to trouble with she & I.

    Also she tells everyone our business in her daily life, and as luck would have it, the two main one's she confides in have either been in bad relationships or are currently in one. I feel as if she only gets very jaded & bad advice because of that, and that contributes to alot of this. To me those are not exactly the people you want to talk to. I think talking to people if you really need to, it should be with those who have a more positive point of view & get you to see that maybe you are wrong or show you how you can go about things better or reassure you on things, rather than someone who is bitter on relationships & love who won't have a nice thing to say at all, and it will make you feel like they are confirming your thoughts instead of being objective.

    Last point, I trusted her through out our whole relationship, especially when it came to the really important things, like when we talked about what would happen if we were ever to get pregnant in the unplanned sense. She always said that she'd want to do things the right way, be together, live together, get married & be a family. It was the way she was brought up, it was her morals, values & beliefs. She was an old school traditional girl. That was awesome for me because I am the same way as a guy. It made me feel more secure about having sex, as it did for her knowing that we were on the same page if anything were to happen. We both preferred to do things in a planned way (get engaged, married, live together, then kids), but this was how we'd do things if it didn't work out that way. Now I feel if she is going back on everything we had talked about in terms of this, well that means I was lied to, betrayed & mislead. Believe it or not, I wouldn't have taken the risks that could lead to us getting pregnant if I knew this is how she would be come that time.

    I keep thinking, how would she feel if it were me doing this? acting like this? adding needless stress? I love her, she says she loves me. We both agree the baby is a blessing & say it was created out of love.

    As I said, none of what is happening is making sense to me. And the more I talk about it with her, the less it does everytime, so I don't bother anymore. I keep hoping sooner or later it will hit a point in the pregnancy, where she will start to enjoy it more than she does now apparently, and we'll finally get to share the closeness that I always thought we would during a time like this.

    I know I've gone on & on here, and went all over the place. I hope what I wrote makes sense to someone, and can give me a little feedback on my situation. Just know I love her & our unborn child with more than words will ever say, and have been there for her through it all & will continue to be no matter how she treats me. I'm just looking to get my old girlfriend back, the one that was there prior to all of this, I miss her & need her.

    Thanks for reading & thanks to all of those who respond,

    Brutus Branyon

     
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    Old 09-20-2004, 05:25 AM   #2
    haleysmum
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    Hi there I think I actually read your post on the pregnancy board How far along is your girlfriend ? I know people probably keep telling you its the hormones and you are probably sick to death of hearing that, but I will tell you that the first trimester is the most difficult. Our hormones are all over the place, we are bone tired 24/7 and the changes that are taking place in our bodies is remarkable. I know this probably wont help much, but know that you are not the only father to be going through this. I too use to say the most terrible of things to my partner and tell him I didnt want to be with him etc, and that couldnt be farther from the truth...I love him and dont want him to leave me. I think thats why I was saying the stuff I was to him. I know it sounds crazy, but I was incredibly insecure that he would walk out on me ( even though we had a baby girl last year too ) I also use to and sometimes still do think that he was very insensitive to me and my feelings. But of course there is no way you guys can know what its like being pregnant and how hard and tiring it is. But you actually sound like a pretty sensitive guy. The fact you are even doing these posts tells me that. In regards to the bloke she chats to on the net. I personally wouldnt like it done to me, but I guess in some cases it can be genuinely platonic. Im talking to you right now LOL. Maybe your girlfriend is just looking for someone to talk to. I quite often feel like I wish I had someone I could talk to...Of course you should have communication with your partner, but sometimes we do need someone who isnt personally involved to talk to. On the other hand though I do understand you being upset and rightly so if this guy is hitting on her ! How did you come to find this out ? Did your girlfriend tell you ? Its a bit hard to offer advice without knowing.But my personal opinion on the matter is I wouldnt like it. Maybe say to your girlfriend how would you like it if I was chatting to some woman on the internet and see what she says ? Anyway good luck with everything
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    Old 09-20-2004, 06:01 AM   #3
    goody2shuz
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    Hi, Brutus. You sound like you're going through a rough spot....but you'll be okay because you sound as if you really do care and that is probably what your girfriend truly loves most about you.

    In my opinion...having had two pregnancies, it sounds as if your girlfriend is really scared about the changes that she is going through both physically and emotionally. You failed to mention your ages. I'm guessing your both young, probably in your late teens/early 20's. If this is so...your girlfriend is probably afraid of how having a child is going to change her entire life. Perhaps there were things that she's dreamed of doing that will now have to be put on hold. Like education, a career, vacationing etc. Reassure her that you are there for her to support her in anyway that she may need. It's great that you talked about how the two of you would handle things if this were to happen...however that was all hypothetical. Now that it's real...talk again & tell her that you will be there for her & your baby and to see that she continues to grow as a person. Her greatest fears right now are that you will not be there long term and that she will have to sacrifice all that she planned on happening in her life in the order she planned on. (remember you both wanted marriage, home & family) and now that things are out of order she may be having a difficult time dealing with that. Talk to her, reminding her of what you planned in a hypothetical sense & reassure her that now that it is a reality that your feelings are still the same...that you love her and will be there throughout the pregnancy & future with her & your baby.

    Good luck...& keep us posted.....Goody

     
    Old 09-20-2004, 06:46 AM   #4
    eightball61
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    If you were to leave you will still beable to be a good daddy for that child. This is a very touchy topic and I am not going to tell you what to do but go with what you think is right. Dont stay because you if the child. It will still have a mommy and daddy. I would say try to communicate with her but that has not worked for you. Have you though about couseling?

     
    Old 09-21-2004, 02:09 AM   #5
    BrutusBranyon
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    Thanks you three for responding, it means alot to get a little feedback on my situation.

    What I did yesterday was I wrote her a loooooooooong letter, so indepth on everything, hoping that by reading it it might do some good. I covered various points of our relationship of how we overcame other things, and how as a team we should be able to overcome this & have everything we have ever talked about.

    I figured by writing everything down, it would give her the opportunity to read it as many times as she needed to or wanted to, and something in there may make sense & help her see things clearer.

    I really want us to start enjoying this pregnancy together. I always thought it would be the happiest time of our lives, not as crazy as it has been. With a little time & luck, hopefully things will get back on track, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to have that happen.

    Brutus Branyon

     
    Old 09-21-2004, 02:14 AM   #6
    BrutusBranyon
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    Hi HaleysMum,

    She just this week I believe entered her second trimester.

    The way I found out about this guy she talks to was by her always constantly bringing his name up in conversations, and I started to wonder who he was & she told me. She also told me that he was in a round about way causing trouble between us, and she tried to get him to stop.

    I think it was one of those things where she would talk about me & us to him, and he would counter everything with how he would be, etc etc etc. She asked him why he was doing that, and he admitted he had feelings for her. Apparently he felt guilty, and wanted to back off but she as I said in my original post did the whole nice girl routine, and told him not to be hard on himself & it was okay, just put it aside & they can still be friends.

    My gut told me not to trust him & I told her that, but she said I was being silly, and if I trusted her I had nothing to worry about. I asked if she would stop talking to him considering how it was making me feel, and she said no. Told me not to ask her to do that. I felt that was a very insensitive response.

    Long story short, I learned again about a month ago now that he still is pursuing her & still has feelings and makes it quite known to her. Again I asked her to please stop talking to him, or at the very least take a break from it, let it cool down, but she won't. Needless to say it causes trouble between us, I don't think it is right. I know I wouldn't do that to her if the roles were reversed. And when I ask her to reverse roles with me, she takes the defensive approach & says do it if you want, I don't care. Some how I doubt she really means it, but she is a very defensive person in general when she gets questioned on anything.

    When she & I met almost a year ago, I gave up talking to people online & all that stuff. I had her, I didn't need that stuff anymore. Plus to me it was more of a way to pass time when I was bored. Mainly a form of entertainment, not something to be social on & let that be my life so to speak. It boggles my mind as to why she needs it still, especially considering our situation (about to have a baby). I would think concentrating on US & getting things right on our end would be far more important.

    Sorry I rambled on, but I get very riled up when I think about it. Not sure if there is any other advice you can offer me, but I appreciate your support through your response.

    Thank you,

    Brutus Branyon

     
    Old 09-21-2004, 02:32 AM   #7
    BrutusBranyon
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    Hi Goody2Shuz,

    We are 28 (me) & 25 (her). I have no doubt all the things that go with being pregnant are having an impact on our relationship, I do believe that & totally sympathize with her in that regard. I know it's not easy, especially since it's unplanned, and now we have to go about everything in a whole new different way & have to come up with a different plan, and so on & so forth. But I don't think that should excuse some of her behaviour when it comes to certain things. Sometimes I feel she uses the hormones excuse when it's convievent & as a way to get around something. Again, I don't doubt that they do play a role, but I kind of feel she overplays it at times as a way of justifying things she says or does. And when I think it is hormones in regards to something, she will say it's not. Get very confusing sometimes.

    I am very sensitive to her, and more or less just go with it all and take it, and that is why I had to come here & vent. In most cases I turn the other cheek and pretend nothing has happened or whatever. I do that to prevent fights & needless spats.

    I am always waiting on her, doing anything I possiblely can to make things easier for her. I get her anything she wants, needs, etc. Half the time I anticipate what she probaly needs, and go do it. When she needs to have her feet rubbed or back massaged, I do it. I am being everything I always told her I would be come this time in our lives, but I feel as if she is not holding up on her end. I think she fails to understand at times that I need her as much as she needs me at this time. It's not at all easy for me either. I truly want us to enjoy this pregnancy, I don't want it to be remembered negatively down the road after the baby is born.

    I have tried my best & will continue to do so in terms of reassuring on everything to do with us & the future, and that I want to be a family & do it all together, not seperately but her reaction is "blah". It makes no sense to me.

    I am not going to give up, I do feel at some point she will snap out of this, or so I hope. Just looking for a way to break through to her now, and not have to sit back & wait all this out.

    Thanks for your response, care & concern! Means alot to have that here!

    Brutus Branyon

     
    Old 09-21-2004, 02:39 AM   #8
    BrutusBranyon
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    Hi EightBall61,

    I did mentioned counselling when things first started to get really out of hand but she down played it big time, and said no. So it looks like this will be something that we will have to some how resolve ourselves.

    If we weren't expecting a baby, it would be easier to figure a way out of this, but with that element, it's making things alot more complicated. I really believed having a baby together would strengthen our bond, not do what it is doing. We both agree that this baby is a blessing, and do want it. Things are nothing like we talked about in the past when we discussed the what if this ever happened to us. It's the complete opposite, and had I known this, I honestly never would have let any of this happen. Would have been smarter.

    Thanks for taking the time to read & respond to my post, it was much appreciated!

    Brutus Branyon

     
    Old 09-21-2004, 06:21 AM   #9
    eightball61
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by BrutusBranyon

    If we weren't expecting a baby, it would be easier to figure a way out of this, but with that element, it's making things alot more complicated. I really believed having a baby together would strengthen our bond, not do what it is doing. We both agree that this baby is a blessing, and do want it. Things are nothing like we talked about in the past when we discussed the what if this ever happened to us. It's the complete opposite, and had I known this, I honestly never would have let any of this happen. Would have been smarter.

    I understand on what you are trying to say here but you have to really think about that you are staying for the relationship and not just the child. Its really unfair in my opinion if you stick around to be mom and dad with this child and you are re-thinking your decision in 10 years about what you did. If you are not happy at the moment and you think on the child will strenghten the bond then you need to really think this all over.

     
    Old 09-21-2004, 07:20 AM   #10
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    I can tell you that hormones are powerful chemicals.
    For example - if I shot a chemical into your arm, and then JUST as it reached your brain I told you to "act normal", could you?
    Hormones are chemicals!
    Control may not be possible...
    Hang in there, practice covering your skin with a layer of Teflon - and steer clear of subjects like the online guy for awhile!
    Put on the most loving optimistic face you can (or make yourself scarce for a few hours if you can't) and things will even out.
    Till them, come back here and keep us informed on how you're doing - there's a great bunch of caring folks here of all ages (ok, I think I'm the oldest!) and we'll help get you thru this.
    After the hormones simmer down will be the time to discuss the relationship. Honest!!

     
    Old 09-21-2004, 07:30 AM   #11
    hillaryb
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    Having had children, yes, hormones can be THAT bad!! It is hard for everyone, including her, I assure you. But I will say,she absolutely should not have been confiding in another man about her relationship troubles. That is just plain disrespectful towards you, and definately encouraged his interest (insinuating her relationship may be on the rocks). Hormones do NOT excuse that bad behavior!!!!!!!!!!

     
    Old 09-21-2004, 09:49 AM   #12
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hillaryb
    Having had children, yes, hormones can be THAT bad!! It is hard for everyone, including her, I assure you. But I will say,she absolutely should not have been confiding in another man about her relationship troubles. That is just plain disrespectful towards you, and definately encouraged his interest (insinuating her relationship may be on the rocks). Hormones do NOT excuse that bad behavior!!!!!!!!!!

    Hide under the bed until the baby is born,,,,,
    But seriously, I agree with hillary,,,homones do not excuse bad behavior.

    Last edited by susieq0726; 09-21-2004 at 09:49 AM.

     
    Old 09-21-2004, 09:53 AM   #13
    eightball61
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726
    homones do not excuse bad behavior.

    it takes 2

     
    Old 09-21-2004, 09:55 AM   #14
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    it takes 2


    Huh?????

     
    Old 09-21-2004, 09:57 AM   #15
    eightball61
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    Re: Need Help In Regards To My Relationship With My Pregnant Girlfriend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726
    Huh?????

    Hormones.....i person can control thier hormones but when it comes time with the interaction of male and female hormones together in one setting its hard to control and therfor take 2.

     
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