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  • Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

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    Old 10-01-2004, 06:50 AM   #31
    alltaken
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    What a great thread this one has been. Talk about action!

    I quickly scanned through the posts, and I just thought to myself how wonderful it is to be able to go somewhere and ask for advice - from strangers that is - and have such caring responses back.

    Like I said I quickly scanned through the posts, but I have a comment/suggestion. Maybe your husbands lack of interest is that he feels 'washed up' in some way. Maybe he feels he has run out of reasons to be that Mr. Wonderful you want. From what it sounds like, he does love you and cares enough to read these posts and come back with a positive reaction to it. How much love is that worth to you Goody? A lot I imagine. Just like one of the posts read...that fire need to be relit.

    You both have dedicated yourselves to one another and have done a grand job at raising a family together. You've provided, hes provided and you're both still together after 17+ years - not too many people these days can say that. Sometimes married couples fall into a rut without realizing it and things, well life, passes them by. Teach your husband to learn to live again and be excited about life and the love you two have for one another. Your daughters (<--- I think thats what you have) I bet would even pitch in alittle in some ways. Maybe give you two some alone time or the night out free from the worries and stresses you two have become accustomed to.

    Again....what a great post!

     
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    Old 10-01-2004, 07:06 AM   #32
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    Yeah....8 ball, you're absolutely right. Unfortunastely, my hubby ignores me when I shutdown...when a hug would be just what the doctor ordered. I'm going to share that with him tonite so that next time I do shut down it doesn't hurt me as much when he acts as if nothing is wrong. He has told me that when I leave or don't talk that he feels I need a cooling down period when in fact that's the last thing I need. I need to be told that he wants to work through the issue at hand & what can we do to
    help get us to that point. Yup...a hug would definitely do the thing....Goody


    I can offer a guys opinion but many will tell you that I am not like most guys He is just typical when it come to communicating and sharing affection. I can't say for sure that you may meet better because a lot of guys are like this. On one of my first fight my GF told me to hold her and I felt awkward about it but after that point its was warming to me and now I can share with her anything. That seems so small but it was a big step to me in the relationship.

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 07:45 AM   #33
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    Actually things are going pretty good.

    I don't expect things to turn better overnite....but we talked after my post about my needs and how the garden of our marriage needs tending to in order to not be taken over by the weeds.

    We've been together for 15 years...and yes there are times we take each other for granted but I do know that we love one another and will work through renewing our relationship.
    That’s great news! I was concerned that things might get better for just a few days before backsliding. I’m glad my fears were unfounded. BTW, thanks for your detailed response; it’s our only “paycheck” here.

    Quote:
    I realize that alot of the time I expect him to know intuitively what I need at a given moment which only really happens in the movies or in the romance novels that I read. Sometimes I feel like if I have to ask then he really doesn't love me....but usually all I need to do is ask & he'll do it. So I'm trying to be more realistic....I just want to be sure we don't sink into the old rut and forget about what we truly mean to each other.
    Intuitively? What does that big word mean? Give us men a break. For us, “being intuitive” is knowing that our knuckles are dragging on the sidewalk.

    Seriously, while you still have kids at home, “asking” is the norm in a busy household. It’s all about surviving the child rearing years. When you become empty nesters, maybe he’ll want your relationship to be more like it was before children. As those years come near, carefully plant those seeds in his mind. After the kids are gone, the “garden of your marriage” can flourish with just a little fertilizer for his ego.

    Quote:
    I took your advice and am trying to avoid any complaining (hard to do when there are 2 teens in the house) and when I posted & reread what I wrote I realized that I had shut myself down from being romantic myself for some time because I felt as if I were the only one doing it. That's where I think I went wrong....because I can only be responsible for what I can do just as he is responsible for what he can do. If I shutdown then I am just as at fault as he is. So I've made a conscious efffort to not be that way and have already seen improvement.
    I’m glad to hear you two now see the big picture, have reversed your downward spiral and are already seeing improvement. Doesn’t it all seem obvious now? (I’m surprised that women don’t realize this i-n-t-u-i-t-i-v-e-l-y. )

    Quote:
    How are things with you? I see that you and eightball are still doing the dynamic duo thing. I try to pitch in here & there as well.
    I see the caped crusader got here first (as usual). I still can’t get used to the way these tights feel; maybe the grownup-sized ones will feel better. Hey, maybe sometime we could all try a “three amigos” thing. What do you think?

    Quote:
    Hubby says to say hi and thanks for the kick in the pants
    Your hubby sounds like a nice guy. Treat him well

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 07:47 AM   #34
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    many will tell you that I am not like most guys
    Superheroes like us are never like most guys!

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 07:51 AM   #35
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    Superheroes like us are never like most guys!


    Haha... I know deep down I am still a typical guy because I find myself being a smart a** many times but we have something most dont and thats "to know how to treat another person right"

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 08:12 AM   #36
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    Alltaken....thanks for the feedback. Yes...you are so right when it comes to people like heartland & 8 ball and susie taking you under their wing. They could have laughed at me at the time....saying she's oversensitive and needy. And they could have come down on my hubby saying that he's a cold fish & go find someone else. When I came here I really was pleasantly surprised by the genuinity of peoples advice...even to the point of offering to talk to my hubby. And I knew in my heart that we really do love & care about each other. thanks for your suggestions....we are lucky to still have one another and the family we have together.

    You are also quite intuitive....Alltaken...when you say that hubby may feel "washed up'. Just recently he had sold a family business that he has worked all his life. We're financially okay...he's always worked for himself & the thought of working for somebody else is out of the question. He got a decent price which will keep us comfortable but with two college tuitions which we have money set aside..two weddings and our future retirement to
    look forward to....the money will only go so far. We've made some investments...which I'm a little unsure of...he's a risk taker whereas I'm more conservative & want a dependable thing. And all of a sudden he has time on his hands....he always wanted to retire early. He says he's on a sebatical...he has a small rental business that only needs attention in renting & collecting due rents. I do find he gets a little testy when I ask innocently what he's got planned for the next day....almost as if he doesn't like me to ask. I think it's because he's starting to feel a little lost with not having the busy day to day job that he had. This all happened in May & it's definitely a significant change in our lives. Sooooo....that could very well be some of the problem...however, the way I've been feeling is something that's been going on for years. It's really one of the few things we argue about....how I feel he doesn't act lovingly towards me. As I said in my previous post....hubby will do absolutely anything I ask of him....I just need for him to once & a while do something spontaneously on his own to show his love for me. I don't want to have to ask for a bunch of flowers once in a while. And I don't want to ask for him for a turn to atch a TV program on the big screen TV. I want him to br able to do a few things on his own with no prompting to demonstrate that I am more than a roommate living in the same house with him. And I've realized that my reactions to his lack of actions can be hurtful to our relationship as well.

    Eightball...you are right when you say that most guys are terrible at showing signs of affection....but if your GF/wife states that something will make her happy if you truly care about her you will try your best to make those little changes. I feel sometimes as if I have another kid....telling him the right thing to do and I know if he were to tell me he felt unloved I would ask what specifically I could do to make him feel loved. Hubby has yet to ask....I tell him and he'll do it shortterm & then it's back to where it was again. It's almost like he's a robot....programmed to do only the day to day necessities and if it deviates he's in overload and needs to be rebooted or something. ( a swift kick in the pants is all he needs & he tells me to do so if he's screwing up) I don't want to kick him....my foot is killing me from doing so. Like I told Heartland....he took me out to lunch & a matinee and when he does little things like that without breing prompted...I'm a happy woman. It just gets tiring when I have to do the special things all the time...I don't mind doing it 10 times if he only does it once. I just don't like feeling like I'm the one carrying the entire load of the relationship. It makes me almost feel like I'm the only ne who cares. It sometimes seems like guys in general feel like they are doing their part in a relationship by just being the provider. A woman needs to be provided for emotionally and spiritualy as well. I have always felt financially secure....even now that my hubby has sold his business I know he will always financially provide for me & the kids....but he does lack in being there in the supportive sense and showing me love sense. He's not a bad guy at all...he just needs to realize that a marriage doesn't stay strong all by itself...it needs to be nourished like any other viable thing that lives.

    Well I've rambled on....like I told Heartland...things are better and they won't change overnite...but we are on the right track and I know that what we have is strong and that we both think it's important enough to work through. That's what counts the most....thanks for caring guys and for listening....Goody

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 08:25 AM   #37
    eightball61
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    Alltaken....thanks for the feedback. Yes...you are so right when it comes to people like heartland & 8 ball and susie taking you under their wing. They could have laughed at me at the time....saying she's oversensitive and needy. And they could have come down on my hubby saying that he's a cold fish & go find someone else. When I came here I really was pleasantly surprised by the genuinity of peoples advice...even to the point of offering to talk to my hubby. And I knew in my heart that we really do love & care about each other. thanks for your suggestions....we are lucky to still have one another and the family we have together.

    Breakingup, splitting up, or divorce is just the easy way out. I have always believed in tryint to save things or work things out before coming to that last conclusion. In some cases though if I feel the relationship is doomed then my advice would be to leave but in this case I do beleive you can try to work on things first before that last resort is taken.

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 08:26 AM   #38
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    Hey you dynamic duo...you two jumped in while I was busy pouring out my heart & soul And thanks, Heartland for the invite to be part of the 3 amigos I'd be honored to be anywhere with two intuitive guys like yourseves Intuitive is seeing things as they really are with very little information proivided....like a gut feeling. And you two certainly have a lot of guts and feelings

    Hey...if I'm going to be part of the team...I need to know how to go about quoting prior to posting a response. If one of you guys could walk me through that I'd be extremely grateful.

    So hold onto your tights,boys, and get back here and give this girl a hand learning something new that to you guys comes about oh so naturally ....Goody

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 08:31 AM   #39
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz

    Hey...if I'm going to be part of the team...I need to know how to go about quoting prior to posting a response. If one of you guys could walk me through that I'd be extremely grateful.


    When you read someone post at the botton right hand of that block it say quote or reply. Hit qoute if you want to direct it to someone.

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 09:05 AM   #40
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    When you read someone post at the botton right hand of that block it say quote or reply. Hit qoute if you want to direct it to someone.

    Okay....how's this....but say you don't want the entire quote, then what?

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 09:07 AM   #41
    eightball61
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    Okay....how's this....but say you don't want the entire quote, then what?


    you got it....What else do you need to know. All you have to do is reply like you did under the box Welcome to the club

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 09:18 AM   #42
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    [QUOTE=eightball61]you got it....What else do you need to know.

    Let's see if that worked... if I only want to respond to part of one's quote I backspace & erase right?


    All I wanna know, eightball, is how did you get to be so intuitive that seems to be the word of the day ...Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 10-01-2004 at 09:19 AM.

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 09:29 AM   #43
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    I wish I could help further but you should ask the mods on this. The reason why is that we need to stay on topic according to the rules and I and I am sure neither you want to get banned. Go to that link and you can post questions to the mods. Sorry

    http://www.healthboards.com/boards/forumdisplay.php?f=134

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 09:32 AM   #44
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    I use the "Preview Post" button a lot before using the "Submit Reply" button to ensure that the icons and quotes look like I want. If I didn't, I'd always look like a fool.

    It's all about looking good.

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 09:47 AM   #45
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    Re: Marriage after 15 years...happily ever after???

    Hi Goody!!!
    I am just now getting back to this post. How are you doing today? Are things any better?

     
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