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    Old 09-22-2004, 08:29 PM   #1
    Belledin
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    Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    this is a continuation to my previous post, "Love Starved," from yesterday. in my last post, i was complaining that my boyfriend wasn't affectionate enough with me, verbally. i came to the realization that he really does love me even though he doesn't say it, yada yada yada.

    well, i've NOW come to the realization that, while it may be true that he loves me, the fact that he can't show it or express it in ANY manner (including expressing his feelings or being emotionally intimate with me) means that I am unable to continue in my present situation. it doesn't matter if someone loves you, if they are unable to make you feel loved. you can tell yourself and tell yourself the person loves you, and look to some tiny, tiny thing that he's done in the past, but after a while you have trouble convincing yourself. you know?

    we just got into a huge fight. i feel like i can't do it anymore. i feel like all the tears are JUST NOT WORTH IT. if he was totally loving all the rest of the time, it would be different. at best, he's tolerant of me. who wants to feel merely tolerated by their significant other?? i mean, we've been together for a year and i'm still not totally comfortable calling him.

    he doesn't want to work with me on our relationship because it's not convenient for him. he just wants me to "be a good puppy." he actually says that to me. usually, though, i'm a "bad puppy." freak. when he's in a good mood, he says things like, "oh, puppy's going to go chase butterflies." "i have to take puppy out to pee." "puppy's going to chew up my new italian shoes and leave them on the bed."

    when he's in a bad mood, he just criticizes me relentlessly until i can literally feel myself withering under his gaze. or he'll just ignore me.

    you know what, screw my last post. wishful thinking. he's an a**. maybe he does love me and doesn't feel like saying it. regardless, i'm not strong enough for his brand of love. i'm too needy, i guess. i can't go for weeks without signs of affection. i can't infer love from things like him simply not screening my calls.

    he doesn' t love me--at least not in the way i want to be loved. he doesn't ever want to ever work on or resolve anything between us. he just wants me to be smiley, and happy, and the moment that i'm not, or have a complaint, or a request, he acts all f***ing outraged, like all i do is complain and make him miserable.

    we just got in a big fight. he just called me tonight to say, "hi." he has an interview tomorrow, a big deal, and i have a presentation tomorrow. he called to say "good luck," and for me to say "good luck" to him. then i asked him about the reporter getting his head cut off.

    he's very into current events, and i thought that maybe he had seen the coverage. he always complains that i don't read the paper, and that i don't know what's going on in the world--i figured that maybe he'd like it that i was paying attention. i asked him about what had happened, and if he had seen it, and then noticed that he got very quiet. he said no, he hadn't seen it, that he had to go. he was being weird. i asked him if anything was wrong. he said no, there wasn't, i said there was, and tried to get him to tell me what it was. he just said he wanted to call and say hi, and didn't want to have a conversation. we haven't seen each other in two days, so this was kind of hurtful, you know?

    i feel like he only wants to engage when HE has the time--he was just watching television--he couldn't give me 5 minutes of his time??!! he'll call me up at 8:30 at night to come over, when it's convenient for HIM. one day we had our last class together and decided to go to a bar after class for a few end of the week drinks. we walked home from class together to my house, and then he said, just give me an hour, i'm going to go home and have dinner. THEN you can come over and we'll go out. what the hell is up with that??? we couldn't have dinner together? it's always weird stuff like that. i feel like he needs SO much more space than i do. i would drop something important to be with him, but he would never do the same for me.

    he also always makes comments that girls get obsessed, they act weird, blah blah blah. they try and move into your house, want to get married, want to have babies. sometimes i feel like he doesn't see me as a person at all, just one more link in a chain of women he's made to cry.

    anyway, when i pressed him about why he was being weird, he said that he thought i was rude for interrupting his talk about his interview and talking about what happened to that reporter, especially since i mentioned that a couple of my friends had seen it and offered to him their opinions on it. he said that it was very annoying that i had brought it up. he said that it was trashy, and no one should watch it, etc. etc. he said that he hadn't been mad, merely irritated, when i brought it up, but the fact that i had rehashed it and rehashed it had caused him to become angry about it. he said he thought he was being "nice" by calling to say hello, but that my insistence on talking about what had not been a big deal (to him) made it into a big deal. he said that if he knew that every time he called we had to have a long converation (we'd only been talking 15 minutes at this point) he would only call when he had the time and sufficient topics of conversation to fill up the time.

    all i know was that i was trying to prevent myself from sitting on the bed all night, wondering what i had done and what i had said to make him "weird."

    it makes me so upset that i can't discuss ANYTHING with him. he only gets mad, i feel like he never tries to see my side of things. i feel like i'm always wrong, never good enough, never making him happy. i don't know why i'm fooling myself--i'm miserable. he definitely doesn't love me as much as i want to be loved. i don't think he's capable.

    i KNOW he needs space. i'm sick to death of respecting his space, giving him time to himself, etc. i feel like i come absolutely last. i feel like a pizza delivery girl--call her up whenever you have time and have nothing else going on.

    i hate him hate him hate him hate him. i can't do it anymore. i feel terrible about myself. i feel worthless, like it's not going to ever work. my self-esteem has plummeted. i feel ugly, and not good enough. i feel like i'm always waiting for it to be good, for us to understand each other, for him to love me. i feel like your SO is supposed to make you feel good about yourself, not bad. i'm so hurt.

     
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    Old 09-23-2004, 05:50 AM   #2
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    Had to edit this as i got you confused with someone else. Hopefully he is not thinking about ending it. Unfortunately, sometimes when a partner starts to decide the relationship isnt what they want, they go through this long period of annoyance instead of kindly just ending it. Its almost like they want to torture you a bit first. Take a good hard look at his behavior, and if this seems to be the case, maybe you should just bluntly bring it up. IT would be better to get to the root of the issues (him possibly wanting out) than to allow him to criticize you and blow you off. You know????

    Last edited by hillaryb; 09-23-2004 at 05:58 AM.

     
    Old 09-23-2004, 06:16 AM   #3
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    Emotional abuse.

    I recognize it because I lived it also.

    Best wishes - if you can break free you'll know what taking in a whole lung full of air feels like for a change...


     
    Old 09-23-2004, 06:31 AM   #4
    susieq0726
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    It just plainly sounds like the two of you want different things from this relationship. You are ready for something more serious and intense, and he is wanting something light and casual. There is nothing wrong with either of you wanting different things, it's just wrong to try and make a relationship out of it when you're both going in the opposite direction.
    I would calmly tell him this and say that you want more than he can offer right now. It's OK to admit that,,,,besides,,,if you don't, you are only fooling and hurting yourself.
    If I have said it once I have said it a million times: You can't control other people's feelings and emotions, and you can't make someone feel something they don't.

     
    Old 09-23-2004, 06:32 AM   #5
    eightball61
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Belledin

    i hate him hate him hate him hate him. i can't do it anymore. i feel terrible about myself. i feel worthless, like it's not going to ever work. my self-esteem has plummeted. i feel ugly, and not good enough. i feel like i'm always waiting for it to be good, for us to understand each other, for him to love me. i feel like your SO is supposed to make you feel good about yourself, not bad. i'm so hurt.


    You are very angered right now because stuff is not going the way you wan it to. Relationships are a team effort and he lacks at that. If this was just about saying "i love you" but he shows it in other ways then I would say you are going over your head. This is not the case though and he still fails to show anything. Yes, he cuddles and does other stuff but thats it...and he doesn't like to talk about it. If you feel ending it is the best way then try it and see what happens but I will tell you many guys dont communicate well.

    Breaking up is the easy route out. I may get a lot on this post but I really dont care because in this situation I feel that you try to stick it out and maybe give a little split so you both have space to cool off some. Then come back together and see what you can work out. Its not like he isn't be very passionate telling from your last post. He just has a few communication problems and you can't handle that.

    I do wish the best of luck and I do respect your decision either way.

    Last edited by eightball61; 09-23-2004 at 06:34 AM.

     
    Old 09-23-2004, 12:43 PM   #6
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    What turmoil you are going through..May I ask why you have stayed with him this long? What exactly do you love about him?

    Has it always been a case where you thought if you just gave him enough space and read up more on current events he'll love you? Like you are contsantly pleading for his love, doing anything for attention from him? Why doesn't he love you like you want to be loved? Why doesn't he want to spend as much time with you as you want to spend with him?

    Then you feel you aren't good enough. For some reason, this man won't love you. You must not be worth of love and then your self esteem hits the groud.

    I'm telling you, as soon as you get out of this and oneday fall in love with a guy who isn't emotionally abusive you'll have such relief and realize, "hey, it wasn't me afterall". Quit blaming yourself. Quit thinking that you aren't doing things just right. Even more, quit thinking you aren't good enough for him because you need to rephrase, "HES NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU".

    Hes made you feel worthless so you stay just where you are. In a world consumed by pleading for more from a man you walk on eggshells with. A year, and you don't feel comfortable calling him?

    Start letting go. Do things for you. Build back your self esteem. Surround yourself with people who love and appreciate you. People who think you're smart, pretty, and funny. You are right a SO is supposed to make you feel better about yourself, not worse. He acts as though hes better than you so you beleive it and worship the ground he walks on. Do you really want to be inferior to someone else for the rest of your life?

     
    Old 09-24-2004, 11:22 AM   #7
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    Oof, I hate having to say I think it's best if you leave this guy in the dust - because I know how much it would hurt me if someone told me to do so... but you sound so out of the picture in this relationship!

    He sounds very neglectful, and pretty selfish too. A relationship is supposed to be about working together... to try to overcome insecurities you have with related things - to be comforted and loved. It doesn't sound like he makes you feel any of these things, least of all loved. The puppy thing would infuriate me!!

    Maybe I have low tolerance, but you aren't getting what you deserve for YOU out of this relationship, at least not from how it's been explained here. The guy is non-commital, and entirely focused on his needs. That's not a relationship...

    I honestly think you should let this one go, it's not asking too much to want to be comfortable CALLING your guy just to talk - whenever you like! Nevermind the rest of the things that seem completely off here...

    I'm sorry You deserve way better - and believe me, there are millions out there who could and would love you the way you'd like. Don't let this guy waste any more of your time!

     
    Old 09-24-2004, 12:09 PM   #8
    Belledin
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    Oh no--a new twist. I cheated on him last night. I'm so irritated with myself, and don't know what to do.

    I've been mulling things over since our fight Wednesday night. I feel like I have to break up with him, but I also feel like I haven't given it a chance. It's very hard because we never really talk about our relationship problems, so I feel like we haven't tried to work on it. We broke up once before and he asked me to come back because he said we hadn't worked on things. we promised to work on communication, but it doesn't seem to be happening.

    I feel straightjacketed. I basically have three unsavory approaches: I can approach him with a discussion about what I think we need to work on (and he'll probably get mad/irritated), or I can suck it up and do nothing, or I can leave with (what probably seems to him like) no warning.

    Anyway, he of course didn't ask me to come over last night because he had to prepare for another interview today. So, I went out with my friends, got completely drunk, and went home with my friend. We've hooked up before, and he's a really cool person, and there's a sexual attraction, but there's definitely no chance of anything developing between us.

    Anyway, we didn't have sex (I made that stipulation early on, like it even matters), we just sort of snuggled and touched each other. To be honest, I don't think I even touched him at all!! He just sort of massaged me, and kissed me, and appreciated my body in ways my boyfriend never does (boyfriend's more the wham-bam type). This guy is so sensual and passionate--he's also very verbal and always tells me that i'm gorgeous, i have a beautiful body, perfect butt, all that stuff girls die to hear (and which my boyfriend never says). He's so affectionate--it was so bizarre because I felt more relaxed and more intimate with him than I have with my bf ever--i wasn't afraid, didn't feel defensive, wasn't wondering if i was opening up too much--arrgh. It's so pathetic--I really did go home with this guy just to feel close to someone, I think.

    Anyway, NOW i really don't know what to do. I know my bf is going to ask me to do something tonight, and he will be very weirded out if i don't accept. I really don't want to tell him about hooking up with my friend (I think it would confuse the issue), especially since I'm not sure if i want to break up with him yet. at the same time, i won't be able to be "all smiles" if we do something, which of course will probably cause him to get all weird.

    Oh shoot--really not looking forward to it. Just want to lay on the couch, drink a bottle of wine, and watch Bridget Jones' Diary.

     
    Old 09-24-2004, 12:21 PM   #9
    eightball61
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Belledin
    Oh no--a new twist. I cheated on him last night. .


    You did what

    2 wrongs does not make no right. Do you feel any better after doing that? No...Then why did you do it.

    Its time to smarten up and be mature about this relationship. Its doomed as far as I can tell and its best you both just part ways. If for some reason you want to make it work then you both will have to work hard.

     
    Old 09-24-2004, 12:45 PM   #10
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
    Emotional abuse.

    I recognize it because I lived it also.

    Best wishes - if you can break free you'll know what taking in a whole lung full of air feels like for a change...


    Ditto.

    I lived it too and believe me this is not love! Get out and run fast.

    You don't understand the damage that this will cause you!

    Run girl run!
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    Respect them both and you will reap the rewards.

     
    Old 09-24-2004, 01:06 PM   #11
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    Well now you have the perfect excuse to leave, you cheated on him. You validate it because afterall hes not appreciating you enough. Hes not complimenting you and you're tired of always walking on egg shells with him. So instead of breaking up with him, you cheat on him to get what you've been longing for so long. You would like that kind of affection from your b/f, but if hes not listening and not caring to do so then you'll go somewhere else. WRONG.

    You are too afraid to leave your boyfriend so you'd rather stay stuck in a miserable relationship and get your needs from someone else. If you'd just get the courage to leave then you could have a boyfriend that not only treats you like a princess, but takes care of your needs. This is a bad cycle you are in. Just because your boyfriend doesn't give you want you need does not mean you cheat on him. If it has gotten to this point then don't you think it was break-up time a while ago?

    So do yourself a favor and cut the boyfriend loose. Tell him you cheated because you needed more and you are leaving to find that. You deserve that. This is not a relationship that you are in. This is two people purely using one another because they don't want to jump back in the dating pool. How long are you willing to stay miserable because of fear?

    Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 09-24-2004 at 01:07 PM.

     
    Old 09-24-2004, 01:13 PM   #12
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    Emotional abuse?

    I never considered that, really. He is just uncommunicative a lot and very poor at expressing his emotions. I guess he's selfish, too, and withdraws from me emotionally when he's mad--depriving me of contact, communication, and affection. And he does take jabs at me a lot, then say he's joking (but sometimes i feel like he's not). A couple of times he's done it in front of friends--i just chalked it up to insensitivity. Maybe he really does intend to inflict emotional pain on me. It always bothers me that he never seems to genuinely care how i feel--but then, as he says, that's "my perception". sometimes i wonder if i died would he even notice, ha ha.

    but he does call me almost every day, and we spend between 2 and 3 nights together per week. he doesn't cheat, and he doesn't yell, or get too drunk. he doesn't flirt with other girls, or break promises to me, or cancel plans. we've gone on a couple of vacations together, which have been wonderful.
    And it can be very nice at times--when he's not stressed out it's a lot better. He acts very lovingly.

    But when he's stressed out, as both of us are now, he has to have a lot of time to himself to get stuff done. and he's quicker to anger. i feel like if we could just talk it over, we could understand each other. he just doesn't want to seem to see that anything is wrong.

    What are the signs or characteristics of emotional abuse? I know his mother is a highly critical person (I think she's kind of a b***, personally), and she's said a few things to his father and to him in front of me that i thought were mean and highly inappropriate to say in front of others. but, she's a psychotherapist!

    If anyone knows anything about emotional abuse (or has some concrete examples of what constitutes emotionally abusive behavior), i'd be curious to know. maybe post it in a new thread and we can get a discussion going.

     
    Old 09-24-2004, 01:18 PM   #13
    eightball61
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Belledin
    Emotional abuse?

    .

    1. Making the other person feel bad.
    2. using hate words
    3. mind tricks

    Basically anyhting that does not involve contact just words.

     
    Old 09-24-2004, 01:19 PM   #14
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Belledin

    but he does call me almost every day, and we spend between 2 and 3 nights together per week. he doesn't cheat, and he doesn't yell, or get too drunk. he doesn't flirt with other girls, or break promises to me, or cancel plans. we've gone on a couple of vacations together, which have been wonderful.
    And it can be very nice at times--when he's not stressed out it's a lot better. He acts very lovingly.
    This is the first good thing you have posted about him. We can only go on what you type and if you read your threads he sounds like a jerk.

     
    Old 09-24-2004, 01:20 PM   #15
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    Re: Not only love starved, but filled with rage

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Belledin
    Emotional abuse?

    He is just uncommunicative a lot and very poor at expressing his emotions. I guess he's selfish, too, and withdraws from me emotionally when he's mad--depriving me of contact, communication, and affection. And he does take jabs at me a lot, then say he's joking (but sometimes i feel like he's not). A couple of times he's done it in front of friends--i just chalked it up to insensitivity. Maybe he really does intend to inflict emotional pain on me. It always bothers me that he never seems to genuinely care how i feel--but then, as he says, that's "my perception". sometimes i wonder if i died would he even notice, ha ha.
    Sounds like emotional abuse to me....

     
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