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-   -   Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!! (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/212021-please-help-i-broke-my-wifes-trust.html)

excaliburgrl 09-30-2004 01:20 PM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
great post blast off!!!!

eightball61 09-30-2004 01:22 PM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
I dont think I can forget if my partner got drunk and slept with someone else. I wouldn't be with them any longer if that happened. Now I may beable to give another chance if they were just talking to someone and nothing happened. I would go through alot like counseling, trust rebuilding, and a split to see where things can go.

Ninispjc 09-30-2004 01:59 PM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=NothingFazesHer]i actually think its no different from an affair, cept the sex part. But moreover people can forgive sex - it's easier to forgive your partner a drunken one night stand than to have to watch your partner admit to some level of emotional commitment instead.[/QUOTE]

I think maybe I missed something here. What level of emotional commitment are you referring to? He ran into his ex, and had a few conversations with her about why he left her. Are you seriously suggesting that after one gets married, all other people you have been intimate with, had once given your heart to, had once laid naked with and swapped body fluids with, all these people are just supposed to stop existing? Are you not even supposed to say "hi" if you run into a former lover on the street? I can't imagine anything more heartless or inhuman. You leave a little piece of yourself with every single one of your lovers, whether you like it or not. Like I said, he should have told his wife he was talking to this woman and why, but the fact is his wife is going to have to meet him halfway. At some point, as hurt and as betrayed as she may feel, she's going to have to trust that nothing at all sexual went on. He didnt' even have an emotional affair. It's not like he was enjoying talking to her or flirting with her and being sexual in his contact with her. Talking about why he dumped her is hardly flirting. Right now his wife thinks he slept with this woman. It seems like you're all telling him to beg and beg and beg forgiveness for something he didn't even do. At some point his wife is going to have to accept that he's telling the truth and nothing went on besides conversations about the past and CLOSURE.

NothingFazesHer 09-30-2004 02:31 PM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
He didnt tho did he and if it was really as innocent as you are suggesting then 1. his wife wouldn't be going nuts about it, 2. he wouldn't be asking this board for advice about it.

Ninispjc 09-30-2004 02:40 PM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=NothingFazesHer]He didnt tho did he and if it was really as innocent as you are suggesting then 1. his wife wouldn't be going nuts about it, 2. he wouldn't be asking this board for advice about it.[/QUOTE]

First of all, *I'M* not suggesting anything. I'm just going by what he told us. I think you're reading things into it that aren't there, you're just assuming he was doing things he didn't tell us about. I choose not to do that, I'm just going by what he told us. His wife could be going nuts because she's jealous and insecure and easily threatened and he's asking this board for advice because he doesn't know how to deal with it. None of us have met his wife at all, so we don't know what kind of person she is.

NothingFazesHer 09-30-2004 02:45 PM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
very true. But as a woman, i'd react exactly the same. What i see, whether im right or wrong i dont know im just guessing, is a man who probably got a bit flattered, and took a few silly and not really very damaging chances, however it probably shook his missus up. He's learned a lesson anyway.

depressesskater 09-30-2004 05:17 PM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=susieq0726]I agree with alot of what you have said here. There are many times that people start out with innocent intentions and for whatever reason, get pulled further and further into a situation and then don't know how to get themselves out of it. They then find themselves "damned if they do and damned if they don't".
We are all human, we all make mistakes.[/QUOTE]


This is about as close to home as it gets.... I didn't want to get suck in, but I did, be it male ego or just plain stupidity, but I realized that it wasn't right and I stopped it... I blocked her IM name and cancelled my account. Yeah, I felt guilty and wanted to tell my wife about, but I was afraid of what might happen.. but I guess its to late for that now...My wife and I are speaking, she tells me she wants to get over her anger and hurt, she saids she stills love me but the anger is still there... It doesn't help that the ex still goes to the gym which all my wifes friends go to... She said she feels like a fool, that she doesn't deserve to feel this way.... I understand what I have done, it sucks that I did this to her... just hope and pray for her forgiveness and hopefully I get the chance to earn her trust and love...

Once again, thanks all for your posts and honesty... It means alot to me. Wondering if she should read this, or would it **** her off... If she sees this, then;

Baby, I love you, I know I hurt you by lying and trying to hiding this... I wasn't trying to hurt you, I know that is hard for you to see that, I can't explain why I spoke to her as long as I did other than it just cleared the air, but in doing so, I harm you, I wasn't trying anything with her, this I swear this... I was a fool.
When I realized that nothing it good would come out of it, I stopped it, but by that time I called more than I should have... I can't ever take that time back, but rest assure I'm going to die trying... Just don't want to lose you and will do whatever needs to be done to get through this and get back to you and the love you deserve.

Snails 09-30-2004 11:46 PM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
Hi Mr. Skater--

I'm glad to hear that you and your wife are still speaking. I bet everything will work off, though it may still help to take Blast-off's suggestions along with Woweee's advice about showing your wife a send off letter to your ex. Ninisjpc, I thought your last two posts were just excellent--you seem to see this situation so clearly and offered such great perspective and advice. I also disagree with NothingFazes that this is no different than cheating--it's completely different, because he didn't cheat! Yes, I'd be a bit upset if my SO was talking to his ex, but I wouldn't end things he way I would if he had slept with someone else. This was NOT a complete betrayal of Skater's wife's trust. And Skater, I think it would be a good idea to show her that message along with Woweee and Blast-off's posts (but definitely not some of the more harsh posts that suggest that her reaction was more than justified). Ask her if any of those suggestions would make her feel better--show her that you are willing to do anything to mend fences. I really don't think you did anything so horrible she can't forgive you, it sounds like she's more embarrassed about what her friends think than anything else. Just goes to show us that keeping relationship problems private is always a good thing--when it's just between the two of you, you don't have to worry about what people think and let that keep you from working things out. Good luck Mr. Skater, you seem like a good guy, and I agree with what Ninisjpc said about what you did being a nice source of closure for your ex. Ninisjpc is such a wonderful, sensitive woman that I really, really wish her ex would have had the decency and courage to do the same, but obviously he never deserved a great woman like her in the first place. Good night all!!

depressesskater 09-30-2004 11:55 PM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
thank you Snails...

Hoop 10-01-2004 05:22 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
Depressesskater,

I have been following your post from the beginning, up to a point. I wanted to wait before I responded to your post. I sometimes just sit and wait for the responses to come in because I know/feel my response will be different from all the others. Whether I am right or wrong is not the issue with me. It’s just my own opinion much like the others, but I know my answer will be different and I wonder if I am the only one that thinks this way while reading the responses.

You need to backup. Go back to your original post and read it again if you have to. Everyone seems to be keying in on what you said and that led to all the responses that seem similar so far,(I only read a few) and they may be right, but I can't help and think the responses were influence by your own statement and self admission when you said:

[b]“I broke my wife’s trust”[/b]

I don’t believe that. In your own mind and in your conversations with the ex, you say were all innocent and you kept reminding this ex that you were happily married. If your wife really trusted you, she would believe what you said to her about your conversations with the ex.. So basically, you never broke your wife’s trust, because you never really had her trust to begin with. Hard but true when you stop to think about it, unless my definition of TRUST is different from everyone else’s.

excaliburgrl 10-01-2004 05:48 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
excellent hoop...i never thought of that myself, but it makes perfect sense...

susieq0726 10-01-2004 05:51 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=Hoop]Depressesskater,

I have been following your post from the beginning, up to a point. I wanted to wait before I responded to your post. I sometimes just sit and wait for the responses to come in because I know/feel my response will be different from all the others. Whether I am right or wrong is not the issue with me. It’s just my own opinion much like the others, but I know my answer will be different and I wonder if I am the only one that thinks this way while reading the responses.

You need to backup. Go back to your original post and read it again if you have to. Everyone seems to be keying in on what you said and that led to all the responses that seem similar so far,(I only read a few) and they may be right, but I can't help and think the responses were influence by your own statement and self admission when you said:

[b]“I broke my wife’s trust”[/b]

I don’t believe that. In your own mind and in your conversations with the ex, you say were all innocent and you kept reminding this ex that you were happily married. If your wife really trusted you, she would believe what you said to her about your conversations with the ex.. So basically, you never broke your wife’s trust, because you never really had her trust to begin with. Hard but true when you stop to think about it, unless my definition of TRUST is different from everyone else’s.[/QUOTE]

Hoopster,
You are so right, but I think where he might have done things differently is to tell his wife from the begining what he was doing. I think his wife is probably more peeved at the fact he kinda "hid" from her the phone calls, than she is about the actual calls themselves. I think she feels that if there was truly nothing going on, why hide the fact that he was calling her.
I speak from experience on this one. I talk to my ex boyfriend from time to time via the phone. I don't see him as he lives on the west coast and I live on the east coast. Anyway,,,,I do speak to him (we have mutual friends still) but every time I talk to him I tell my husband. I don't hide anything from him, and he trusts me because of that.
I believe he was innocent and nothing more than talking happened, he just might have gone about it a different way.

goody2shuz 10-01-2004 06:05 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
That's an excellent point, Hoop, and like you I've lurked here waiting to see how this may pan out but Goody's gotta put her 2 cents in once again.

If you read Mr. Skater's post, I was actually impressed with the open communication they had in their relatonship, enough for him to come home from the gym and share what had happened. And then his wife suggesting that his ex may need closure. There was trust there....enough for him to share his running into his ex and enough for her to share what she felt his ex might be feeling. The trust was broken when he failed to share his cell phone conversations and that he had been given her e-mail info. It went from total openess to a need to know basis. It would have been very easy for him to say..."honey, I had a phone conversation with the ex last night to try to bring it all to closure as you suggested she needs, however, I see no closure on her end and thought I'd share with you how our conversation went & get your input as to where to go from here...." Now that would have preserved the trust. Once he hid something from his wife that he in the past trusted enough to share anything with & all of a sudden doesn't....that's where trust is lost. He should have trusted his wife with the information....hiding information usually suggests to someone else that there is some degree of guilt involved.

That's just Goody's perspective....it's a shame because Mr. Skater seems like a really great guy and had a very trusting relationship. No he didn't cheat or have an affair....he just lost something that usually takes a while to gain back...trust. I really believe that he can get it all back, will it be easy....no. Will it be worth it....hell yes!!!

I wish Mr. Skater lots of luck...I'm really rooting for you and hope that things turn around for you real soon. Don't give up....like you told your ex...you're a happily married.....Goody

eightball61 10-01-2004 06:38 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
Hmmm....Hoops upside your head I say hoops upsode your head :p great post.

Kay33 10-01-2004 06:49 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
Depress

I do hope things work out for you and your wife. She sounds like a very strong woman and I give her credit for taking a stand when someone crosses the line. Whether a seperation is a bit drastic is not for us to judge, we each deal w/transgressions differently.
I don't feel she's too jealous or insecure, we ALL are susceptible to feeling insecure--it's easy for us to pass advice when we're not 'in' a situation.

How many threads on this board have dealt w/problems getting over the fact that their b/g friend have a PAST? Much less, an ex that frequents the same gym. I've no doubt that a certain segment of the female population would make certain he changed gyms or at the very least would have serious reservations about it.

And one last observation; what if Mrs Depress had written in here? it would have gone something like this:

..."DH and I happily married .... his ex gf is also a member at our gym...They normally, don't have any contact, however, recently, they've had a few coversations, which he told me about, it seemed harmless, and I didn't think anymore about it...until I got his cell phone bill, and I traced a number I didn't recognize back to her! He didn't tell me he was making phone calls to her...why would he not tell me they were talking?! I confronted him and he said nothing happened, and he was just trying to give her 'closure' --that seems convenient, why couldn't he tell me about THOSE conversations too?! I would never have known if I hadn't looked at his cell bill...I dont' know what to believe anymore....I'm staying at my mother's...etc..what do you guys think?"....

I think she'd get alot of responses that would reinforce how she's feeling-- that something is not right...red flags..that there is alot more to this than he's admitted too...and that she's doing the right thing, in taking such a firm stance.

I'm not taking anyones side, but I don't think she should be faulted for reacting this way.

Wowwwweeee 10-01-2004 07:31 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
Ninispjc,

I hope this finds you doing okay. You stated in an earlier post (09/30/04) on here that [I]…”I must admit it upsets me to think there are people out there who think I don't deserve to have the closure or the answers to these questions because he's married now and all his loyalty belongs to his wife and it would be a sin for him to talk to me…”. [/I] I don’t think that’s true. I think closure is very important, even though many people may never attain this when a relationship ends, for whatever reason. As in your case when I responded to your post, I think (and my opinion only) that it’s definitely in your best interest and way past time to give up the constant rehashing of such old baggage and do whatever it takes to finally get past your old hurts AND the fact that you probably never will gain the closure you crave to make the ending of your relationship more emotionally acceptable. You state, [I]“…I cry my eyes out every day walk around with this constant sore pain in my stomach, and have no peace at all because I do not have the closure…”. [/I] Again, after seven years, you deserve a rest from this way of thinking and should try to be making strides to resolve your depression on this issue; maybe a commitment to some counseling can help your through this hurdle? We just want to hear that you’re doing better!

For THIS particular situation, the way that Depressesskater went about making the choice to hide his recent conversations with his ex-girlfriend and continue to have them despite honestly knowing that this was not in the best interest of his relationship with his wife – was inappropriate and although he did not commit a sin (far from it), after so long and now happily married, he really didn’t NEED to hold the conversations that he did with his ex. I think that’s the point that’s being addressed here, not whether someone does or does not deserve closure.

There does come a time when a person should, for the sake of their own mental health and self-esteem, make a decision to put self-closure on something that causes them months or years of anguish if they can’t attain closure by speaking to the other person involved. It’s not always easy (as you know from your own struggles), but sometimes it’s not possible for closure to occur the way a person would like. In Depressesskater’s case, before getting married, if it really was that important, he could have made a point to contact his ex-girlfriend for a more final discussion. I understand that sometimes opportunities present themselves (as running into ex at the gym), but by that time, Depressesskater was already married, so really, why the interest now? There’s a time and a place, and Depressesskater’s time was way long passed, AS IT PERTAINS TO HIS CURRENT SITUATION OF BEING MARRIED.

NothingFazesHer,

Actually, situations like this CAN be no different from an affair, but as per Depressesskater’s post (and only going by that), this clearly was not an affair or even an emotional commitment. Again, I think that the conversation between Depressesskater and his ex, if any, should have been kept to a minimum, not held outside of the gym, and his spouse should have been further informed. Most people work best with open and honest communication. Not saying that spouse would have been mellower about the situation if Depressesskater had come to her first and let her know that he wanted to discuss some past issues at the gym with his ex-girlfriend, but it would have been a better start. I would have no problem if my partner wanted to speak to an ex about past issues, as long as it was done in a forum of openness and honesty, and there was no hidden agenda, etc. Meet in a neutral place, don't drag things out over long periods of time, etc. That's part of trust. You can't put a bag over your partner's head and never expect him to speak to you, and only you for the rest of your life. But a partner has got to WANT to be with you and has got to WANT to be respectful, etc. You get my meaning, I'm sure.

Anytime a partner hides something or is vague with their words or in their action, sadly, one of first few thoughts that go through the mind is “Is he/she cheating”? Depressesskater may have honestly, simply wanted to drudge up some old questions about that old relationship, but the way he went about it made it seem overly important and that he had something to hide.

Depressesskater,

Glad to hear you and your wife are now speaking. Hopefully you will act more honorably when it comes to these types of situations. You ask if you should you’re your spouse know of this post? Why not? It’s been a lively forum and there’s a lot of energetic responses – not all in your favor. I think reading these together would be eye opening for you both on this issue.

Wishing you the best.

depressesskater 10-01-2004 09:15 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
I guess I will spend less time on the phone and more time on the board (skateboard that is)... I can't thank all of you enough... Right now I am just trying to take it one day at a time... it hard, but I don't have any other choice now do I... I learn alot from this post, about my self and about my marriage. Just suck that this is what took me to realize how important and how much I love my wife, but hopefully we'll get thru this and work on a new foundation.

eightball61 10-01-2004 09:25 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=depressesskater]but hopefully we'll get thru this and work on a new foundation.[/QUOTE]


Thats what its going to take. You need to work on what you want and head forth from there. Its all about you and what you want to happen. Athletes work very hard to become pro. If you want this marriage to work then you may have to work hard for it also. goodluck

depressesskater 10-01-2004 09:31 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=Kay33]Depress

I do hope things work out for you and your wife. She sounds like a very strong woman and I give her credit for taking a stand when someone crosses the line. Whether a seperation is a bit drastic is not for us to judge, we each deal w/transgressions differently.
I don't feel she's too jealous or insecure, we ALL are susceptible to feeling insecure--it's easy for us to pass advice when we're not 'in' a situation.

How many threads on this board have dealt w/problems getting over the fact that their b/g friend have a PAST? Much less, an ex that frequents the same gym. I've no doubt that a certain segment of the female population would make certain he changed gyms or at the very least would have serious reservations about it.

And one last observation; what if Mrs Depress had written in here? it would have gone something like this:

..."DH and I happily married .... his ex gf is also a member at our gym...They normally, don't have any contact, however, recently, they've had a few coversations, which he told me about, it seemed harmless, and I didn't think anymore about it...until I got his cell phone bill, and I traced a number I didn't recognize back to her! He didn't tell me he was making phone calls to her...why would he not tell me they were talking?! I confronted him and he said nothing happened, and he was just trying to give her 'closure' --that seems convenient, why couldn't he tell me about THOSE conversations too?! I would never have known if I hadn't looked at his cell bill...I dont' know what to believe anymore....I'm staying at my mother's...etc..what do you guys think?"....

I think she'd get alot of responses that would reinforce how she's feeling-- that something is not right...red flags..that there is alot more to this than he's admitted too...and that she's doing the right thing, in taking such a firm stance.

I'm not taking anyones side, but I don't think she should be faulted for reacting this way.[/QUOTE]


Actually, her strength is the key point in my marriage... She keeps me grounded through it. At times we butt heads over it, but its one of the things that makes me love her as much as I do... I appreciate the insight and I agree that everyone deals wit things differently. Mrs. Skater held me in the highest regards, and what I mean by that is that when people would talk about most men(sorry, trying to be fair, but guys, we do have a bad rep!) and their wandering habits and inability to be honest 100%, she was proud to say that she didn't have that problem. She was confident in the fact that she had someone that she did need to worry about. Well, I broke that image and now I have to work on picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild that faith she once held so close... I was wrong, I know people are going to think whatever they want and you know what, it still stuff I need to hear (read) and thank you all for the time to help out with your insight!

eightball61 10-01-2004 09:33 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
I know how you are feeling but what about her? Have you talk to her lately?


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