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    Old 09-30-2004, 10:22 AM   #31
    susieq0726
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    I have a good friend that's brother cheated on his wife about 17 yrs ago. (I know the wife and can honestly say I can why he cheated on her,,,,,though I don't believe in it, this woman was a NASTY person) Anyway,,,,
    They stayed together and are still together today. Everytime they have an arguement or disagrement, she throws it in his face. Every single time. It happened over 17 yrs ago.
    This is my point: If you're cheated on and decide to stay and work out the relationship, you have to get over it. I am not saying forget that happened, I am just saying for the sake of the relationship, you have to forgive.
    Though this couple stayed together, they fight all the time and I think she stayed with him just so she could torture him for a mistake he made 17 yrs ago. BTW, he never cheated on her again.

     
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    Old 09-30-2004, 10:28 AM   #32
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726
    I have a good friend that's brother cheated on his wife about 17 yrs ago. (I know the wife and can honestly say I can why he cheated on her,,,,,though I don't believe in it, this woman was a NASTY person) Anyway,,,,
    They stayed together and are still together today. Everytime they have an arguement or disagrement, she throws it in his face. Every single time. It happened over 17 yrs ago.
    This is my point: If you're cheated on and decide to stay and work out the relationship, you have to get over it. I am not saying forget that happened, I am just saying for the sake of the relationship, you have to forgive.
    Though this couple stayed together, they fight all the time and I think she stayed with him just so she could torture him for a mistake he made 17 yrs ago. BTW, he never cheated on her again.


    Thats what happened with my parents and I have not heard yet it get thrown in his face.

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 10:35 AM   #33
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    Thats what happened with my parents and I have not heard yet it get thrown in his face.

    Because your mother did exactly what I have been saying all along. She valued the relationship enough to do what it took to keep it together. She forgave him and let it go.

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 10:57 AM   #34
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    Cool Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Depressesskater,

    There’s no more use in anyone hitting home the real damage you did by betraying your partner in the manner in which you did. People are usually always aware of their motives and reasons for doing, and not doing things. I am sure you were well aware of all the “do’s and don’t’s” that came with your poor choices. It doesn’t matter that you love your spouse, or that you tell US how much you love your spouse. Your actions don’t say much for respecting your vows, yourself, or your partner. The words “I love you” or “I’m sorry” can seem empty and unbelieving in the face of a very deep betrayal.

    I’m not sure if you have a history of past indiscretions – your spouse’s action of going to the lengths she did (calling the gym to procure your ex-girlfriend’s phone number) to confirm what was on the bill makes me wonder if you have given her other reasons for her to distrust you so much so that she would not first come to you with the phone bill and ask you about the number and call durations.

    The call that followed between your spouse and your ex-girlfriend is also something to think about. Your ex-girlfriend came onto you verbally, knowing that you were married. With everything ELSE aside, this point alone reflects that there’s really no telling what ex told your spouse. There may be been conversations alluding to or teasing about that possibly more had been happening. When you asked your ex-girlfriend what was discussed, she could have told you one thing, and your spouse another. Anything could have been said, anything.

    One thing that you may want to consider is an open letter to your ex-girlfriend. Sounds a bit reaching, but hear me out. Something like,

    “Angie,

    It was beneficial for me to be able to finally have the opportunity to put final closure on some questions that I carried around pertaining to the end of our relationship. However, I realize that by taking some time to speak with you, I have done an incredible injustice to my wife, (Eleanor) and the relationship I have with her. As I told you during our conversations, Eleanor is my Be All, End All, and nothing will ever change that. Nothing. Looking back, I was foolish to think that you and I would be able to carry on a conversation to talk about past issues, and not have it affect my relationship with my wife on some level. Although Eleanor isn’t threatened by the fact that you and I talked (she knows I love her), I can appreciate her feelings of betrayal, especially since I chose not to share with her the fact that I was speaking with you. That is a hurt that I cannot undo, but I will work on whatever it takes for her to regain trust. Starting with this letter. I will not be having any more contact with you, Angie. I do not say this out of anger or spite, but rather out of respect for my wife and my marriage. I realize now more than ever that there are fine lines that sometimes should not be crossed, for any reason – even to put closure on some old wounds. I love my wife and the relationship with my wife – my marriage - and this comes first. I did not put Eleanor’s feelings or the sanctity of my marriage first when I chose to speak with you. This will not happen again. I would not trade or give up my marriage for anything, and that includes maintaining even a distant friendship with you. These past few weeks have been a life learning and difficult lesson for me. Maybe I needed to be shown just how much my family means to me, as hurtful as it has been for Eleanor and myself.

    I wish you well.

    Frank”


    After you type up this letter, show it to your wife, and then ask her to mail it for you. Delete your e-mail and IM user names/accounts and start over with new ones. Then start loving your wife as she deserves to be loved according to the vows you took. Trust takes time to regain. This will take time.

    Your thoughts.

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 11:09 AM   #35
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Wowwwweeee
    Depressesskater,

    There’s no more use in anyone hitting home the real damage you did by betraying your partner in the manner in which you did. People are usually always aware of their motives and reasons for doing, and not doing things. I am sure you were well aware of all the “do’s and don’t’s” that came with your poor choices. It doesn’t matter that you love your spouse, or that you tell US how much you love your spouse. Your actions don’t say much for respecting your vows, yourself, or your partner. The words “I love you” or “I’m sorry” can seem empty and unbelieving in the face of a very deep betrayal.

    I’m not sure if you have a history of past indiscretions – your spouse’s action of going to the lengths she did (calling the gym to procure your ex-girlfriend’s phone number) to confirm what was on the bill makes me wonder if you have given her other reasons for her to distrust you so much so that she would not first come to you with the phone bill and ask you about the number and call durations.

    The call that followed between your spouse and your ex-girlfriend is also something to think about. Your ex-girlfriend came onto you verbally, knowing that you were married. With everything ELSE aside, this point alone reflects that there’s really no telling what ex told your spouse. There may be been conversations alluding to or teasing about that possibly more had been happening. When you asked your ex-girlfriend what was discussed, she could have told you one thing, and your spouse another. Anything could have been said, anything.

    One thing that you may want to consider is an open letter to your ex-girlfriend. Sounds a bit reaching, but hear me out. Something like,

    “Angie,

    It was beneficial for me to be able to finally have the opportunity to put final closure on some questions that I carried around pertaining to the end of our relationship. However, I realize that by taking some time to speak with you, I have done an incredible injustice to my wife, (Eleanor) and the relationship I have with her. As I told you during our conversations, Eleanor is my Be All, End All, and nothing will ever change that. Nothing. Looking back, I was foolish to think that you and I would be able to carry on a conversation to talk about past issues, and not have it affect my relationship with my wife on some level. Although Eleanor isn’t threatened by the fact that you and I talked (she knows I love her), I can appreciate her feelings of betrayal, especially since I chose not to share with her the fact that I was speaking with you. That is a hurt that I cannot undo, but I will work on whatever it takes for her to regain trust. Starting with this letter. I will not be having any more contact with you, Angie. I do not say this out of anger or spite, but rather out of respect for my wife and my marriage. I realize now more than ever that there are fine lines that sometimes should not be crossed, for any reason – even to put closure on some old wounds. I love my wife and the relationship with my wife – my marriage - and this comes first. I did not put Eleanor’s feelings or the sanctity of my marriage first when I chose to speak with you. This will not happen again. I would not trade or give up my marriage for anything, and that includes maintaining even a distant friendship with you. These past few weeks have been a life learning and difficult lesson for me. Maybe I needed to be shown just how much my family means to me, as hurtful as it has been for Eleanor and myself.

    I wish you well.

    Frank”


    After you type up this letter, show it to your wife, and then ask her to mail it for you. Delete your e-mail and IM user names/accounts and start over with new ones. Then start loving your wife as she deserves to be loved according to the vows you took. Trust takes time to regain. This will take time.

    Your thoughts.



    THAT'S AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    This is EXACTLY what he needs to do!!!!!!! I was racking my brain trying to figure out SOMETHING, an action, anything he could do that would prove to his wife how he felt about her, instead of just repeating how sorry he is. This is GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Youdda Bomb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 11:16 AM   #36
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    i have to disagree with fazes here...you're telling him he needs to be apologizing over and over and that's just not true...i've been more or less cheated on and hearing that time and again just aggravated me...it's better to find ways to show you are sorry than to just say it...

    also, i personally only threw the situation in my hubby's face once during an argument...i guess that's a good way to tell if someone is really getting over it or not...it's my belief that hubby saw how much he hurt me and he showed an incredible amount of remorse and worked really hard to regain my trust...if i keep throwing it in his face, he'll see his efforts as wasted and say why bother...i kept the situation in the light for as long as was important than started moving on from it...
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    Old 09-30-2004, 12:19 PM   #37
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Just wanted to add my perspective for what it's worth.

    It's very clear that you love your wife, and from the way you talked about your ex in your initial post, it seems also very clear that you don't care about her much, probably never did. Perhaps you should have told your wife you were speaking to your ex and why, but I also understand why you thought on many levels it was better left unsaid. I think some of the people here are getting a little carried away. It's not like you had sex with your ex, or even kissed her or had any sort of romantic interlude at all. You simply talked to her about your history and tried to help her get some closure. I actually think it was a nice thing for you to do. My ex boyfriend left me almost 7 years ago because he claimed I didn't have enough of this or that quality, and then turned around and married a woman who had all the qualities he swore to me he never wanted. To this day, every fiber of my being aches to know why he lied to me so completely, why he used me, how he could have done this to me when he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. I must admit it upsets me to think there are people out there who think I don't deserve to have the closure or the answers to these questions because he's married now and all his loyalty belongs to his wife and it woudl be a sin for him to talk to me, and even though he took my heart, my soul and my body that I gave to him because I trusted him, that I don't deserve to know why and that I don't deserve to have some peace. I cry my eyes out every day walk around with this constant sore pain in my stomach, and have no peace at all because I do not have the closure you decided to give your ex. Even though it sounds like you didn't care much for her, you at least gave her that, and I don't think that has to be such a bad thing, especially since there was absolutely no re-kindling of anything. Your wife doesn't sound very trusting or secure. Unless you have previously given her good reason to be so distrustful, I think her harsh reaction is a symptom of a bigger problem in your marriage. If I were blessed with a good marriage and had a loving, wonderful husband who I knew loved me, I would not be throwing such a hissy fit over the fact that he had a few conversations with an ex, especially if he told me it was just to give her final closure to the relationship. You said your wife at one time felt sorry for this ex of yours. Her sympathy sure dried up mighty quick. Unless her pity was a smug disguise for some hidden threatened feelings. It sounds to me like perhaps your wife got pleasure out of viewing your ex as such a pathetic loser. You being a friend to your ex seems to have threatened your wife by elevating your ex from a loser you wasted time on to a fellow human being you thought worthy of some compassion. You might want to have a conversation with her as to why she's so convinced you were diddling around with this woman you clearly have no romantic feelings for whatsoever, and why it's so threatening for you to just be nice to her.

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 12:26 PM   #38
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ninispjc
    Just wanted to add my perspective for what it's worth.

    It's very clear that you love your wife, and from the way you talked about your ex in your initial post, it seems also very clear that you don't care about her much, probably never did. Perhaps you should have told your wife you were speaking to your ex and why, but I also understand why you thought on many levels it was better left unsaid. I think some of the people here are getting a little carried away. It's not like you had sex with your ex, or even kissed her or had any sort of romantic interlude at all. You simply talked to her about your history and tried to help her get some closure. I actually think it was a nice thing for you to do. My ex boyfriend left me almost 7 years ago because he claimed I didn't have enough of this or that quality, and then turned around and married a woman who had all the qualities he swore to me he never wanted. To this day, every fiber of my being aches to know why he lied to me so completely, why he used me, how he could have done this to me when he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. I must admit it upsets me to think there are people out there who think I don't deserve to have the closure or the answers to these questions because he's married now and all his loyalty belongs to his wife and it woudl be a sin for him to talk to me, and even though he took my heart, my soul and my body that I gave to him because I trusted him, that I don't deserve to know why and that I don't deserve to have some peace. I cry my eyes out every day walk around with this constant sore pain in my stomach, and have no peace at all because I do not have the closure you decided to give your ex. Even though it sounds like you didn't care much for her, you at least gave her that, and I don't think that has to be such a bad thing, especially since there was absolutely no re-kindling of anything. Your wife doesn't sound very trusting or secure. Unless you have previously given her good reason to be so distrustful, I think her harsh reaction is a symptom of a bigger problem in your marriage. If I were blessed with a good marriage and had a loving, wonderful husband who I knew loved me, I would not be throwing such a hissy fit over the fact that he had a few conversations with an ex, especially if he told me it was just to give her final closure to the relationship. You said your wife at one time felt sorry for this ex of yours. Her sympathy sure dried up mighty quick. Unless her pity was a smug disguise for some hidden threatened feelings. It sounds to me like perhaps your wife got pleasure out of viewing your ex as such a pathetic loser. You being a friend to your ex seems to have threatened your wife by elevating your ex from a loser you wasted time on to a fellow human being you thought worthy of some compassion. You might want to have a conversation with her as to why she's so convinced you were diddling around with this woman you clearly have no romantic feelings for whatsoever, and why it's so threatening for you to just be nice to her.

    I agree with alot of what you have said here. There are many times that people start out with innocent intentions and for whatever reason, get pulled further and further into a situation and then don't know how to get themselves out of it. They then find themselves "damned if they do and damned if they don't".
    We are all human, we all make mistakes.

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 12:57 PM   #39
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    I hope you are still reading this. There is so much more you can do than just tell her you love her and say you are sorry. That will only get you so far. The other suggestions have been great. Here are few others. Get the book After The Affair. Yes I know you didnt have an affair but the book can be a huge help in showing you how your wife is feeling. Also it has wonderful ideas and tools you can do to gain your wife's trust back. Offer to go to marriage counseling,you may not feel the need for it but it can show your wife that you want to work on your marriage. You can also make sure that if you start new email accounts or screen names that your wife has a copy and access to them. Yes I know some people are going to rant that you are entitled to your privacy but they arent in your shoes or your wife's. By giving over access to her you are showing her that she can check on you whenever she wants. This will give her some security in that you know she can check on you and that you should be behaving properly. You can change either your cell phone number or company. Most offer online services in which you can check bills that way. Set it up and give her the passwords to that as well. This way she can check the bill online to make sure no unusual numbers are on there. You also should look into finding another gym so you can avoid running into that other woman. Or change it to where you can avoid the times that she might be there.
    It is going to take a lot of work to regain trust. You have to be willing to above and beyond your comfort zone. It is not an easy road. Again try reading that book to see if it can help you. You can even get a copy for your wife and let her know that you are reading it to find ways to regain her trust. Ask if she will read it and if she will giv eyou ideas that will help you regain her trust. Dont be surprised if a lot of rules come out of that in order for her to trust again.
    Good luck....the road ahead is not going to a pinic but it might just lead to a stronger marriage if things work out.
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    Old 09-30-2004, 01:17 PM   #40
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    i actually think its no different from an affair, cept the sex part. But moreover people can forgive sex - it's easier to forgive your partner a drunken one night stand than to have to watch your partner admit to some level of emotional commitment instead.

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 01:20 PM   #41
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    great post blast off!!!!
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    Old 09-30-2004, 01:22 PM   #42
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    I dont think I can forget if my partner got drunk and slept with someone else. I wouldn't be with them any longer if that happened. Now I may beable to give another chance if they were just talking to someone and nothing happened. I would go through alot like counseling, trust rebuilding, and a split to see where things can go.

    Last edited by eightball61; 09-30-2004 at 02:04 PM.

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 01:59 PM   #43
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by NothingFazesHer
    i actually think its no different from an affair, cept the sex part. But moreover people can forgive sex - it's easier to forgive your partner a drunken one night stand than to have to watch your partner admit to some level of emotional commitment instead.
    I think maybe I missed something here. What level of emotional commitment are you referring to? He ran into his ex, and had a few conversations with her about why he left her. Are you seriously suggesting that after one gets married, all other people you have been intimate with, had once given your heart to, had once laid naked with and swapped body fluids with, all these people are just supposed to stop existing? Are you not even supposed to say "hi" if you run into a former lover on the street? I can't imagine anything more heartless or inhuman. You leave a little piece of yourself with every single one of your lovers, whether you like it or not. Like I said, he should have told his wife he was talking to this woman and why, but the fact is his wife is going to have to meet him halfway. At some point, as hurt and as betrayed as she may feel, she's going to have to trust that nothing at all sexual went on. He didnt' even have an emotional affair. It's not like he was enjoying talking to her or flirting with her and being sexual in his contact with her. Talking about why he dumped her is hardly flirting. Right now his wife thinks he slept with this woman. It seems like you're all telling him to beg and beg and beg forgiveness for something he didn't even do. At some point his wife is going to have to accept that he's telling the truth and nothing went on besides conversations about the past and CLOSURE.

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 02:31 PM   #44
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    He didnt tho did he and if it was really as innocent as you are suggesting then 1. his wife wouldn't be going nuts about it, 2. he wouldn't be asking this board for advice about it.

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 02:40 PM   #45
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by NothingFazesHer
    He didnt tho did he and if it was really as innocent as you are suggesting then 1. his wife wouldn't be going nuts about it, 2. he wouldn't be asking this board for advice about it.
    First of all, *I'M* not suggesting anything. I'm just going by what he told us. I think you're reading things into it that aren't there, you're just assuming he was doing things he didn't tell us about. I choose not to do that, I'm just going by what he told us. His wife could be going nuts because she's jealous and insecure and easily threatened and he's asking this board for advice because he doesn't know how to deal with it. None of us have met his wife at all, so we don't know what kind of person she is.

     
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