Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

10-01-2004, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eightball61

I know how you are feeling but what about her? Have you talk to her lately?

We talk daily, she said she just wants time to get over the hurt and the anger. Doesn't want me around just incase she gets the urge to fling a pan in my general direction. She tells me not to worry, that she isn't going any where, just wants to heal... I guess something is better than nothing... I told her about the post, hopefully she'll read it, other than that I have no choice, other than to respect her wishes and wait for her to get thru her hurt... like she said, its been only a week.... longest week I ever had!

10-01-2004, 09:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by depressesskater

We talk daily, she said she just wants time to get over the hurt and the anger. Doesn't want me around just incase she gets the urge to fling a pan in my general direction. She tells me not to worry, that she isn't going any where, just wants to heal... I guess something is better than nothing... I told her about the post, hopefully she'll read it, other than that I have no choice, other than to respect her wishes and wait for her to get thru her hurt... like she said, its been only a week.... longest week I ever had!

She is giving you hope of her return which is good. Give her the needed space like you are now and you both can work from there.

10-01-2004, 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by depressesskater

We talk daily, she said she just wants time to get over the hurt and the anger. Doesn't want me around just incase she gets the urge to fling a pan in my general direction. She tells me not to worry, that she isn't going any where, just wants to heal... I guess something is better than nothing... I told her about the post, hopefully she'll read it, other than that I have no choice, other than to respect her wishes and wait for her to get thru her hurt... like she said, its been only a week.... longest week I ever had!

Whoa.

Watch out for the broomstick as well!

10-01-2004, 09:50 AM

her saying she's not going any where is a good sign...it means she has doubts about your intentions...she's unsure about whether to think you had intimate feelings for this ex or not...

give her all the time she needs...i respected my hubby so much more afterwards for giving me the space to think it all over...

i do wish you good luck in the situation

10-01-2004, 09:51 AM

Yeah, I know... just sucks...

10-01-2004, 09:54 AM

im sure it does...my hubby could tell ya that the days crawled but you just have to focus on the improvement she's probably making every day...

take this time to set up something nice for her when you two are living together again

10-01-2004, 09:56 AM

thank you guys... this really helps me out... keeps my mind in a better place... Its given me the chance to say things as they are other than fumbling around and just saying whatever just to get her out of her anger, which for the most part in the beginning of this got me into more trouble. We tend to say whatever we feel may make situation more "favorable", but sometimes in doing so we stretch the truth, guess thats something I need to work on...

10-01-2004, 09:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by depressesskater

Yeah, I know... just sucks...

I does but we are here for you in this rut and thing will come out for the best

10-01-2004, 09:59 AM

this is a good place for many things...it helps you organize your thoughts, discover your feelings, and you can get help on how to deal with your situations...

it helped me so much that i keep coming back hoping to help someone else in the way other's have helped me...

i am glad you told your wife about this board though...the first thought that popped in my mind was her finding out and being angry because you neglected to tell her something again...

10-01-2004, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by excaliburgrl

i am glad you told your wife about this board though...the first thought that popped in my mind was her finding out and being angry because you neglected to tell her something again...

Spread the word because everybody will need questions answered and this is the place for that.

10-01-2004, 10:11 AM

Skater,

You write ..."We tend to say whatever we feel may make situation more "favorable", but sometimes in doing so we stretch the truth, guess thats something I need to work on...".

Remember, absolutely NO more lying. NOT saying something that you know you should be revealing is still lying. LYING BY OMISSION. No more of that, or you may lose your spouse for sure.

Try not to take things with your spouse for granted so much in the future.

10-01-2004, 10:12 AM

so true, i found this board when i was trying to find info on sids last year...so glad i did find it...

10-01-2004, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by goody2shuz

That's an excellent point, Hoop, and like you I've lurked here waiting to see how this may pan out but Goody's gotta put her 2 cents in once again.

If you read Mr. Skater's post, I was actually impressed with the open communication they had in their relatonship, enough for him to come home from the gym and share what had happened. And then his wife suggesting that his ex may need closure. There was trust there....enough for him to share his running into his ex and enough for her to share what she felt his ex might be feeling. The trust was broken when he failed to share his cell phone conversations and that he had been given her e-mail info. It went from total openess to a need to know basis. It would have been very easy for him to say..."honey, I had a phone conversation with the ex last night to try to bring it all to closure as you suggested she needs, however, I see no closure on her end and thought I'd share with you how our conversation went & get your input as to where to go from here...." Now that would have preserved the trust. Once he hid something from his wife that he in the past trusted enough to share anything with & all of a sudden doesn't....that's where trust is lost. He should have trusted his wife with the information....hiding information usually suggests to someone else that there is some degree of guilt involved.

That's just Goody's perspective....it's a shame because Mr. Skater seems like a really great guy and had a very trusting relationship. No he didn't cheat or have an affair....he just lost something that usually takes a while to gain back...trust. I really believe that he can get it all back, will it be easy....no. Will it be worth it....hell yes!!!

I wish Mr. Skater lots of luck...I'm really rooting for you and hope that things turn around for you real soon. Don't give up....like you told your ex...you're a happily married.....Goody

I also noted that Skater was open and up front with his wife about his initial conversation with his ex. That single part of their conversation is really a key part of this whole issue. His wife initially didn’t seem to have a problem with that. She even mentioned something about closure, a word that I hear often, but I don’t know what it really means, although I know what it means to others. It’s one of those words that gets used so often to address many situations, that it has lost any significant meaning to me. In this case, closure meant he needed more conversations with his ex, although this term "closure" only came about "after" he met up with her. Prior to that, closure wasn't even on his mind, thus the term "closure" has lost it's meaning to me. See what I'm saying.

When skater mentioned his conversation with his ex to his wife, that there, was the trust issue at work between the two. They both didn’t have a problem with it. The fact that he continued his conversations with his ex later, without his wife’s knowledge, whatever anyone may think about his judgement good or bad, has very little to do with breaking her trust in my opinion. What we have here is a matter of insecurity, not trust.

Should he have told his wife about his subsequent conversations with his ex? Well, now that she found out about it,…..Of course.!

What other appropriate answer is there left? LOL

HOOP!( “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate!” Skater! Go eat 50 hard boiled eggs!)

.

10-01-2004, 11:08 AM

well, she just came by (to drop my daughter off for the weekend) she told me she saw the post... She said that I failed to mention that I didn't have anything good to say about my ex at first and during the time I was speaking to my ex when my wife and her friends asked me about her (they would joke around about my ex being there my reactions towards her and how awkward it must be, which my wife was sympathic about which I credit her for being )... So, here I am talking someone who I in essence didn't have anything good to say about to my wife and her friend. Now why I acted one way with my wife and her friend and another to my ex... hmmm, at first I guess it was weird talking to my ex, I was ify about, but the tension passed and I knew that nothing was going to happen, it didnt bother me as much... all in all a total of 3 hours or so on the fone, after the last convesation,we agree that everything was done, no reason for us to speak anymore, she respected my feels for my wife and thank me for the time, I told it was cool, enjoy life and it was better to see someone and not hate them than to hate someone, we hung up and didn't talk after that (except for when my wife found the bill)... I should have told my wife, but I was scared for whatever reason.... it suck, but thats the truth.... Hon, if you see this, this is me being as honest as I can... I know i messed up, but this all it was.... I love you so much.

-skater

10-01-2004, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by depressesskater

well, she just came by (to drop my daughter off for the weekend) she told me she saw the post... She said that I failed to mention that I didn't have anything good to say about my ex at first and during the time I was speaking to my ex when my wife and her friends asked me about her (they would joke around about my ex being there my reactions towards her and how awkward it most be, which my wife was sympathic about which I credit her for being)... So, here I am talking someone who I in essence didn't have anything good to-skater

You post is not to saying anything good about you ex. You both have stopped talking and thats the positive thing about this. Your approach is to fix things with your wife and minus you ex. out of the picture. You dont need to mention anything good because talking to her resulted more bad than good. I may have got what you saying wrong but it makes sense to me.

Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

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