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  • Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

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    Old 10-01-2004, 11:19 AM   #76
    depressesskater
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    I meant that I didn't talk nicely about my ex to my wife and her friend, all the while I was talking to her.... sorry if I word it wrong

    (oops, helping my little girl put her shoes on and taking her out for a walk)

    Last edited by depressesskater; 10-01-2004 at 11:22 AM.

     
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    Old 10-01-2004, 11:23 AM   #77
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by depressesskater
    I meant that I did talk nicely about my ex to my wife and her friend, all the while I was talking to her.... sorry if I word it wrong


    I am very slow and catch on things differently sometimes and thats what happened here. I think you worded it fine. When trying to make things work you may not want to mention anything nicely about someone of the opposite sex but if ask in an ok situation then I can understand why you did so.

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 12:22 PM   #78
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by depressesskater
    . She said that I failed to mention that I didn't have anything good to say about my ex at first and during the time I was speaking to my ex when my wife and her friends asked me about her (they would joke around about my ex being there my reactions towards her and how awkward it must be, which my wife was sympathic about which I credit her for being )... So, here I am talking someone who I in essence didn't have anything good to say about to my wife and her friend.
    DING DING DING HELLOOOO!!!! BINGO!!!!!!!! Exactly the point I was making before. Your wife was fine with it while she believed you had contempt for this woman, or rather, perhaps I should say, as long as you shared HER contempt for this woman, "oh, that's just the pathetic loser skank my husband wasted his time on once. Boy he sure dodged that bullet." The problem did not arise until your wife discovered you had been courteous and kind to your ex. But you know what, there's nothing wrong with being decent to someone we once slept with and someone we once told "I love you." that's why I say it sounds to me like your wife has more of a problem with her own insecurity than the fact that you did anything wrong. I mean to move out and take the kid and go through all this because you had friendly conversation with an ex? There's something more going on here. THAT'S what you're going to have to get to the bottom of if you're going to save your marriage. It seems like your wife wants you to have contempt and regret for all your exes before she can be happy and secure in the marriage, which I think is a bit ridiculous. I can tell you as an ex myself, it would be a hot jagged knife in my heart to find out my ex-boyfriend regretted the time he spent with me and saw me only as time he wasted. You should still be able to be human to an ex without sending your wife into a tizzy. You do need to continue to be sorry for not telling her you had continued communication, but she also needs to come to terms with the fact that we all have exes, and they can have a little place in our hearts without detracting from our current commited relationships. You need to work to get her trust back, but she does need to grow up a little. You might just want to calmly, lovingly, understandingly tell her you only talked about the past to just put explain to your ex a bit more why what happened happened, and that you have no romantic feelings for her, and ask her why she is so angry that you simply had a few conversations?

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 02:22 PM   #79
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    she didn't move out, I left, so as not to fight with her.... plus she want me out so not like I had much of a choice

    Last edited by depressesskater; 10-01-2004 at 04:33 PM.

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 08:40 PM   #80
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by depressesskater
    she didn't move out, I left, so as not to fight with her.... plus she want me out so not like I had much of a choice
    Well, in any case, your wife made the decision to physically separate. I guess all I can say at this point is give it time. Let her know you love and miss her, you're sorry for not being up front and for anything you did that may have been inappropriate, but if she simply insists on believing you had sex with your ex or even wanted to have sex or whatever she's conjuring up in her imagination, and refuses to believe anything else, then that's really her issue, and there's not much you can do about that. I hope she wakes up and sees how lucky she is.

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 08:55 PM   #81
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Skater,


    Somehow, I feel that you two will be back together in time. You both have too much going for each other. Looking back, yes, you could have done things differently but at the same time, I think your wife over reacted. If she over reacted, she will either admit it or she has to take some time and ease back into the relationship. This is where you are at. Your wife needs some time to get back into the relationship.

    The truth is, in your heart, you never really did anything wrong and I don’t think you did either. If you read enough of these posts, they will convince you otherwise. You are now trying to make it up to your wife by apologizing and admitting that you could have handled this whole issue differently, mainly to get back to your normal relationship with her.

    All you did was talk to your ex. The topic of “ having an affair” actually has me smiling.. How can you be having an affair (a physical one) with the ex when the phone bill itself is proof that all you did was talk for hours over all this time? If you can account for the rest of your time over this period, then where is the problem with an affair?

    I am pretty sure that you two will be back together in time, but there are two issues that you need to be concerned about or at least take into consideration.

    1. If you overdo it and apologize freely without putting some sort of defense or explanation for your actions, you stand the chance of losing an equal say in this partnership. From here on, you will be questioned or viewed with suspicion. If you are right in your actions, in your mind and in your heart, apologize, but only to a point if you can do it without making the problem worse. You kind of have to stand your ground here, otherwise you will be admitting by default that you did something wrong when you really didn’t. This really needs to be understood by you and your wife otherwise you will get back together, but you will not likely get back completely to where you were at before this happened. Accomplishing this may not be easy, but I never said I had all the answers!

    2. The other issue of concern is with outsiders, friends who are advising her about how to deal with your actions and behavior. They are only hearing the story from her side and giving her advice such as “she doesn’t deserve this from you, that your are having an affair”. Obviously, that doesn’t help both of you and you will probably never look at those friends in particular the same way from here on out. When I’ve had friends talk to me about problems with their relationship, I just listen and provide encouraging words most of the time unless it is an abusive relationship. I never take sides because in many cases, they eventually get back together and my friendship with them will never be the same afterwards if I initially took sides.

    .

    Last edited by Hoop; 10-01-2004 at 08:58 PM.

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 09:26 PM   #82
    depressesskater
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Hoops, thanks so much... I suggested marriage counselling, so after things fall into place, we might give that a go... I know I want to go

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 09:28 PM   #83
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ninispjc
    Well, in any case, your wife made the decision to physically separate. I guess all I can say at this point is give it time. Let her know you love and miss her, you're sorry for not being up front and for anything you did that may have been inappropriate, but if she simply insists on believing you had sex with your ex or even wanted to have sex or whatever she's conjuring up in her imagination, and refuses to believe anything else, then that's really her issue, and there's not much you can do about that. I hope she wakes up and sees how lucky she is.
    thanks...

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 09:42 PM   #84
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by depressesskater
    thanks...
    You're welcome! I also agree that marriage counseling might be a good step. Is your wife willing to give it a try? It will give you guys a chance to get to the issues. This thing with the ex is a symptom, a topic, not the issue.

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 10:41 PM   #85
    depressesskater
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    I hope so... just want to get through this part of it... hopefully

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 10:56 PM   #86
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Hi Skater,

    Not that this matters anymore since the two of you look to be on your way to getting back together, but I was just wondering how long you were talking with your ex for at a time? Was it for hours at a time each time or as you said later on a total of 3 hours ?
    This is totally off topic, but curiousity is hitting me.... one question for Nothingfazesher... are you by any chance a scorpio?

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 11:38 PM   #87
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by soulster
    Hi Skater,

    Not that this matters anymore since the two of you look to be on your way to getting back together, but I was just wondering how long you were talking with your ex for at a time? Was it for hours at a time each time or as you said later on a total of 3 hours ?
    This is totally off topic, but curiousity is hitting me.... one question for Nothingfazesher... are you by any chance a scorpio?
    more than I needed too... I just feel bad, because my wife really enjoys the time she spends in the gym and I just made it completely uncomfortable for her.. who's to say what someones intensions are, my ex can say anything out of spite.... I sat here and tried to understand it all and realized that I took away my wife's only break and time for herself and turned it upside down... its her outlet, how she gets away from day to day crap.... I am so sorry and understand her anger so much clearer now...

    Last edited by depressesskater; 10-02-2004 at 01:20 AM.

     
    Old 10-02-2004, 04:19 AM   #88
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by depressesskater
    more than I needed too... I just feel bad, because my wife really enjoys the time she spends in the gym and I just made it completely uncomfortable for her.. who's to say what someones intensions are, my ex can say anything out of spite.... I sat here and tried to understand it all and realized that I took away my wife's only break and time for herself and turned it upside down... its her outlet, how she gets away from day to day crap.... I am so sorry and understand her anger so much clearer now...


    I have intentionally kept from saying one thing about all this in my previous posts, but it is something that you really do need to take into consideration. Don't take this the wrong way. You’re beating yourself up and taking on more blame than you should have to. Your wife herself needs to accept some responsibility here as well. She overreacted.

    When she discovered the phone bill, whatever she felt, whatever her emotions were, whatever her suspicions were, she needed to discuss this with you first and give you a chance to explain the situation before talking to anyone else. Your wife’s big mistake was calling up her friend at the gym, and then calling up your ex and talking to her. That conversation should have never taken place or should have never taken place before talking to you first. What did your wife really expect to get out of her conversation with your ex, especially if she started getting in her face? I wouldn’t expect your ex to just sit there and take it. Your ex doesn’t owe your wife anything much less an explanation. I can just imagine how that conversation turned out between the two of them.

    I really think most of what you just mentioned above about the gym was brought on by your wife’s own doing and all because she called up your ex. Whether she or you admit it or agree with me doesn’t really matter. You both are the ones that need to work this out and I really do hope everything works out for both of you.

     
    Old 10-02-2004, 10:30 AM   #89
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    once again thanks to all for their insight and support

     
    Old 10-02-2004, 06:36 PM   #90
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Hi again Mr. Skater,

    I agree with Ninisjpc that your wife is extremely lucky to have a husband like you. I don't know many men that would take this so seriously and work so hard to get back in her good graces as you have/are, but happily my SO is one of them . I also agree with the post that said your wife was fine with this ex situation as long as you were talking negatively and looking down at her, but as soon as she thought you might still care for her, everything changed dramatically. I don't necessarily think your wife was out of line for that, because my SO has an ex who really is a crazy (well, schizophrenic), insecure loser (never had a job, mooching off her gay husband). I wanted to hear all about it, but if he ever started acting friendly or being nice to her, I think I'd flip out too, after all he did care for her (though I can't imagine why) at some point--what's to say he wouldn't do it again? So while I completely trust him, that would still get me worked up. Therefore I don't think your wife's reaction necessarily demonstrates that she lacked trust in you to begin with, just that she loves you and desperately wants to hold on to you, to keep you hers and hers alone (and who could blame her? )

    I also think it was a big mistake for your wife to call her ex and especially to consult her friends about the issue. Your ex very well have exaggerated what happened when she told your wife, to make her jealous and to boost your ex's self-esteem. And even if your wife didn't blow what happened out of proportion when she told her friends about it, I'm sure they exaggerated the severity and danger of your actions when they gave her advice. I will never understand why some women run to their friends whenever something happens in their relationship--don't they want to keep private matters private? And how do they expect to get good advice from people who aren't involved? Also, once you reconcile, she'll have to deal with the fact that her friends may still think you're suspicious and never like you as much as they did before. Maybe it's just me, but I think relationship issues should stay between the two people in the relationship and be kept private from everyone else--I don't want anyone but my SO knowing the intimate details and occasional problems in our relationship. But anyway...sorry for the tangent.

    Marriage counseling is probably a good idea, I'm sure it can't hurt and hopefully when you reconcile you'll be on equal footing. Like Hoop said, you didn't do anything wrong, other than keep the phone calls secret, which really isn't a horrible crime. You don't deserve to be in the proverbial doghouse for this after you get back together, nor to lose your equal footing in the relationship. Hopefully marriage counseling will help your wife see that for you both to get past this and move on, she needs to let it go or risk tainting your marriage permanently by bringing it up again and again to make you feel guilty. I think a lot of times when one partner does something to violate the other's trust, the wronged partner lords it over them forever and brings it up whenever they want to get their way. You didn't do anything so bad that your wife should hold this guilt over your head once you reconcile, so hopefully you'll start again with a clean slate. You deserve it, and that's the best way to move on, with no lingering mistrust or hard feelings. As for the gym issue--can't she find another health club? She's going to have a tough time putting this behind her if she ever runs into your ex, but she shouldn't have to stop working out. Hopefully there's another gym around that's not too inconvenient. Anyway, good luck with everything. It sounds like you have a great relationship that shouldn't be thrown away over something like this.

    Take care,
    Stacy

     
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