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  • Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

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    Old 10-03-2004, 12:03 AM   #91
    Ninispjc
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    I gotta agree with Snail.s I may have missed it, but I don't see where you told us what your wife said to your ex when she called her and what your ex said in response. It sounds like your wife was pretty worked up by the time she placed the call. If I ran into my ex, the first thing I'd want to do is throttle him, then the second thing I'd want to do is grab him by the neck and demand to know why he lied to me like he did. Now, I probably would not actually be so obnoxious, but if we ever got in the same room and he had the nerve to say hi to me, I would ask him how he could have treated me so horribly. If he called me to discuss further to explain, and his wife found out and called me yelling at me "what did you and my husband talk about you b****!!!" I'd tell her to go get stuffed, which would probably make her more mad, but truth is, even though I don't totally hate my ex, and I would not want to see him unhappy, a part of me would enjoy knowing I had upset her and had gotten underneath her skin. I'll be brutally honest in the hopes of it being some help to you, I don't even know my ex' wife, only saw her once, and she had a sh**y look on her face, like "I know who you are loser, ha, I won, he's mine now." but even though I don't know her from adam, the thought of her makes me sick to my stomach. I fantasize about slapping her silly. If your ex still has feelings for you, chances are she may feel the same way about your wife. Your wife should have known better than to think this woman would have been the most reliable, honest source regarding what exactly happened. Shame on her for not coming to you first. If your ex is in half the pain I am, of course she's going to behave a little irrationally, so your wife's mistake was to get in the face of someone who would most likely embellish the truth just to tick her off. Throwing away her marriage is just what your ex wants your wife to do. By being so quick to jump the gun and say "well, you can have him!!" your wife has played right into this woman's hands, and she will have to take responsibility for that. Now, let's take a minute to look at what you did RIGHT. You refused to give your ex your phone number, and when you called her, you blocked your number. You obviously did not want her to be able to get you whenever she wanted. Your wife should give you credit for that. As as far as your wife being uncomfortable going to the gym now, there is absolutely NO good reason for you to feel guilty about that. You didn't force her to make a spectacle of herself by calling your ex and yelling at her. It's her choice to not go to the gym. She's still your wife, she still has that position of honor, and if she's shamed in the eyes of her friends at the gym because she doesn't want to be the one that everyone whispers about as she walks by "oh, you know, her husband had an affair with so-and-so", well there would have been no chance of that happening if she hadn't run to her friends first and told them a bunch of stuff that isn't even true about you and your ex. She has not lost anything that belonged to her and her alone. I agree, and have said before, that you should not beat yourself up so much, and if this is going to work out your wife is going to have to meet you half way. I really hope the two of you can work it out. I also wanted to add that part of marriage is the two partners presenting a united front to the world. Life offers obstacles, temptations, and adversity. Part of marriage is facing those things together. Sounds like your wife needs to be reminded of that.

    Last edited by Ninispjc; 10-03-2004 at 12:08 AM.

     
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    Old 10-03-2004, 08:53 AM   #92
    depressesskater
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    The thing is that we didn't face it together, I did, then I kept it from her and lied about it when she confronted me on it... the bottom line is I should have told her from day one, that way she wouldn't have to feel like something was going on. The fact I hid it from her made her believe I was doing something and at that time I had more odds against me than in my favor... I was calling my ex, used an email account that my wife all but forgot and I was working late... so her natural reaction was to think I was cheating, but I wasn't. Would things be different if I had told my wife about my ex giving me her email address and wanting to talk... I can't, because I didn't give my wife the chance to have faith in me, instead I went behind her back... does that warrant what I am going through now.... I can't say either, because i can't gauge the hurt my wife must have intially felt when she found out....

    Last edited by depressesskater; 10-03-2004 at 08:54 AM.

     
    Old 10-03-2004, 03:52 PM   #93
    qcparks
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    You know, I found this problem of depressed to hit home, maybe wife wants out? IF so this is the excuse. Perhaps she doesn't know if she will ever trust you again and feels the marriage isn't worth the effort.

    Sorry just trying to be devil's advocate here. When I found out my husband was having IM's and phone calls with another woman, the last thing I wanted was him out of my sight, there was no way I was kicking him out of the house to have freedom!

    If she is truly concerned over the status of her marriage and wants it to work, would you make the leash shorter or longer?

    Just a thought.

     
    Old 10-03-2004, 04:41 PM   #94
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by NothingFazesHer
    How can you pay for it? Seriously speaking Jeff, sometimes sorry, actions, words, affection is just not good enough......with some women, he simply just blew it and if he has, he's learned a valuable lesson.
    Come on, the man had some bad judgement in talking to the ex, but you can't compare this with cheating. He didn't go out with her or have any physical relationship with her. Also, with all due respect Jeff, but I don't think he needs to waste money on counseling. He's happy in his marriage, just got flattered by the attention from the ex and continued to talk to her when he shouldnt' have. I don't think him and his wife need to separate over this either. I mean, let's not go overboard here.

    To the poster, just continue to be nice to your wife, send her flowers, and keep the communication open. Definitely change the gym. But beyond that, I really don't know. Your wife sounds really tough. Most women would have forgiven you after the first ten times you appologized.

     
    Old 10-03-2004, 04:51 PM   #95
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by qcparks
    If she is truly concerned over the status of her marriage and wants it to work, would you make the leash shorter or longer?

    Just a thought.
    Good question. It does seem like her reaction is a bit strong. When I think back on what I forgave my ex boyfriend, it doesn't even come close. Same with my friend--she loved her boyfriend so much, she even tried to forgive him cheating on her with his ex. I don't think that forgiving cheating is necessarily good, but I am mentioning this to give the poster some perspective. How can his wife be so self confident that this is enough reason for her to want a separation?? I don't get it; she wants a SEPARATION just because he talked to some ex girlfirend who he hasn't seen in seven years? Hmm, maybe that's the way to keep a guy on his toes: never be understanding and act like it doesn't bother you one bit to lose him. I was never able to be like that, but it seems that's the kind of women guys will go out of their way to keep.

     
    Old 10-03-2004, 05:13 PM   #96
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    The wife is going overboard now. Give her time.

     
    Old 10-03-2004, 08:23 PM   #97
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    well... I'm home, sleeping on the couch, but its still home...

     
    Old 10-03-2004, 09:29 PM   #98
    depressesskater
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Come on, the man had some bad judgement in talking to the ex, but you can't compare this with cheating. He didn't go out with her or have any physical relationship with her. Also, with all due respect Jeff, but I don't think he needs to waste money on counseling. He's happy in his marriage, just got flattered by the attention from the ex and continued to talk to her when he shouldnt' have. I don't think him and his wife need to separate over this either. I mean, let's not go overboard here.

    To the poster, just continue to be nice to your wife, send her flowers, and keep the communication open. Definitely change the gym. But beyond that, I really don't know. Your wife sounds really tough. Most women would have forgiven you after the first ten times you appologized.
    Yeah, tough is an understatement... one of the reasons I love so much

     
    Old 10-03-2004, 10:13 PM   #99
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    good news to read you were at home again...it's better being at home even if it is on the couch...
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    Old 10-04-2004, 05:24 AM   #100
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by depressesskater

    I felt guilty for talking to her so much and asked my brother and close friends if I should tell my wife, they said yes,
    The quote is from your original post. OK, so your mistake was that you didn't, but I've been curious since, if your brother or close friends came to your defense about that conversation. If your wife realizes that you had concerns and felt guilty about talking to your ex way before she found out on her own it may help support your claim that you did not cheat. You just had conversations with your ex.

    I am still concerned for you both that if you admit and she believes that you cheated, your relationship with her will never be the same afterwards. One can forgive, but they will never forget. It will always be on her mind as well as yours.

    ... but at least right now, you are out of the dog house in the back yard and onto the couch.

     
    Old 10-04-2004, 06:27 AM   #101
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by depressesskater
    well... I'm home, sleeping on the couch, but its still home...

    Its better than not being there.....Then are improving slowly but and will be getting better as time comes.

     
    Old 10-04-2004, 06:54 AM   #102
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Getting back in the house is a huge milestone. Now the question is whether she is working to let you back into her heart or if you have just entered the "punishment phase".

     
    Old 10-04-2004, 08:17 AM   #103
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by heartlandguy
    Getting back in the house is a huge milestone. Now the question is whether she is working to let you back into her heart or if you have just entered the "punishment phase".


    ahhhh yes,,,,the punishment stage. Yes I do believe he will pay for this for sometime. For you sake I hope she gets over it soon,

     
    Old 10-04-2004, 08:34 AM   #104
    Kay33
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    I disagree w/those posts that Mrs Depress is overreacting or insecure.

    Look, you seem like a nice guy, very remorseful and truly in love w/your wife. We're all pulling for you to get back together, but we're on the outside and not emotionally involved, so it's easier for some to think she's being unreasonable.
    I don't think you 'cheated' in the usual sense that we normal think of, but rather commited a HUGE breach of trust (which recovering from is not much different than a full-blown cheating episode--it all comes down to trusting again) not only is she furious, but feels hurt, deceived, foolish,etc...

    Your wife does not blur the lines between what is acceptable and unacceptable and I think her reaction shows she has alot of self respect.
    She discovered her HUSBAND was having private conversations w/an ex g/f, add to this the fact you had an understanding, most likely out of respect, that you shared w/her any interactions you had w/your ex.
    It doesn't matter what you talked about, the distrust and suspicion comes from her discovery that you intentionally didn't tell her about the calls. You don't have to tell a lie to betray someone's trust--
    As a married person -- you just DON'T DO THAT, or your asking for trouble.
    So why is SHE being faulted for not being more understanding and trusting when HE started this deception?

    You appear to realize this, Depress --and as I said in my first post, I hope things work out, and w/time it can be repaired.

     
    Old 10-04-2004, 08:50 AM   #105
    depressesskater
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hoop
    The quote is from your original post. OK, so your mistake was that you didn't, but I've been curious since, if your brother or close friends came to your defense about that conversation. If your wife realizes that you had concerns and felt guilty about talking to your ex way before she found out on her own it may help support your claim that you did not cheat. You just had conversations with your ex.

    I am still concerned for you both that if you admit and she believes that you cheated, your relationship with her will never be the same afterwards. One can forgive, but they will never forget. It will always be on her mind as well as yours.

    ... but at least right now, you are out of the dog house in the back yard and onto the couch.
    I think she knows I didn't cheat, so much as the fact that I spoke to her for as long as I did and that I hid it from her... My wife has lots of friends and she tells me everything and would expect me to do the same, but again I didn't so it hurt her because the trust was broken. Also the fact that it was right in her face made matters worst.

     
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