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-   -   Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!! (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/212021-please-help-i-broke-my-wifes-trust.html)

eightball61 10-04-2004 08:53 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=depressesskater]I think she knows I didn't cheat [/QUOTE]



I am sure she knows you didn't but she was hurt on the way things were handle. Things are getting better as you are now in the house. Try to work on now rather than what had happen.

depressesskater 10-04-2004 09:00 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=Kay33]I disagree w/those posts that Mrs Depress is overreacting or insecure.

Look, you seem like a nice guy, very remorseful and truly in love w/your wife. We're all pulling for you to get back together, but we're on the outside and not emotionally involved, so it's easier for some to think she's being unreasonable.
I don't think you 'cheated' in the usual sense that we normal think of, but rather commited a HUGE breach of trust (which recovering from is not much different than a full-blown cheating episode--it all comes down to trusting again) not only is she furious, but feels hurt, deceived, foolish,etc...

Your wife does not blur the lines between what is acceptable and unacceptable and I think her reaction shows she has alot of self respect.
She discovered her HUSBAND was having private conversations w/an ex g/f, add to this the fact you had an understanding, most likely out of respect, that you shared w/her any interactions you had w/your ex.
It doesn't matter what you talked about, the distrust and suspicion comes from her discovery that you intentionally didn't tell her about the calls. You don't have to tell a lie to betray someone's trust--
As a married person -- you just DON'T DO THAT, or your asking for trouble.
So why is SHE being faulted for not being more understanding and trusting when HE started this deception?

You appear to realize this, Depress --and as I said in my first post, I hope things work out, and w/time it can be repaired.[/QUOTE]

Exactly.... I know what I did and don't look for an easy solution, I understand that I am the one that did this... I just am thankful that my wife has enough faith, and love to give me the chance to regain her trust. We both know that there are things in our marriage that need to be worked on(as in any marriage), but this situation here, is something I caused, and she doesn't feel that it's fair that people are putting it on her for her feeling the way she feels, no one can put it into words how much love someone has for the their lover. I look at it this way, for the amount of anger that she must feel its a reflection of the amount of love and faith she had in me and I broke that, just hope we can come out better from this.

heartlandguy 10-04-2004 09:08 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
If we look at this from her perspective, he did all the sneaky things one needs to do to cheat. He did everything (at least in her mind) but cheat. Since she let him back in the house, she probably believes he didn’t cheat. What has got to be gnawing up her insides is the question “how close did he come to cheating?”

He had everything set up so he could cheat if he wanted to cheat. In her heart, she must be asking, “Why didn’t he cheat? Is it because he is basically a good guy with a good conscience or is it simply because his ex botched this encounter?” The answer to that last question will decide the fate of their relationship.

eightball61 10-04-2004 09:12 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]If we look at this from her perspective, he did all the sneaky things one needs to do to cheat. He did everything (at least in her mind) but cheat. Since she let him back in the house, she probably believes he didn’t cheat. What has got to be gnawing up her insides is the question “how close did he come to cheating?”

He had everything set up so he could cheat if he wanted to cheat. In her heart, she must be asking, “Why didn’t he cheat? Is it because he is basically a good guy with a good conscience or is it simply because his ex botched this encounter?” The answer to that last question will decide the fate of their relationship.[/QUOTE]



I agree here Heartlandguy :p I beleive that is the image she had in her head. But he didn't take that last step.

depressesskater 10-04-2004 09:27 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]If we look at this from her perspective, he did all the sneaky things one needs to do to cheat. He did everything (at least in her mind) but cheat. Since she let him back in the house, she probably believes he didn’t cheat. What has got to be gnawing up her insides is the question “how close did he come to cheating?”

He had everything set up so he could cheat if he wanted to cheat. In her heart, she must be asking, “Why didn’t he cheat? Is it because he is basically a good guy with a good conscience or is it simply because his ex botched this encounter?” The answer to that last question will decide the fate of their relationship.[/QUOTE]


I love my wife and my daughter and wasn't willing to put that on that line for anything... And I would never forgive myself for doing anything to break that nor be able to live with guilt. Once that was out there I knew that I had to severe all ties with my ex, IM blocking, email blocking and finally just outright cancelling the account. Yeah, I was the one who called her, for whatever reason, should I have know better, hell yeah!

Here we are a happy marriage, pictures of our vacations, weekend getaways and all, right in my ex's face, the life she could have had, I should have had better sense to see her intentions, but like a dummy I walked right into it, just wish I would have done it sooner and been honest about it to my wife... but I didn't.

Someone once told me, if you want to really hurt a woman, I mean really hurt them, turn them down when they make a pass at you... and I did... so lord knows what the ex may do,but right now I could really give 2 s**ts, it sucks that I didn't use my judgement and avoid the whole thing, but I can't undo what was done. I just can work on today and hopefully tomorrow will be better...

heartlandguy 10-04-2004 09:31 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=eightball61]But he didn't take that last step.[/QUOTE]It's not about what he did; it's about what he is capable of doing. He proved that he was capable of much more than she ever imagined. I think that is a heavy load for her to handle.

If the reason he didn't cheat was simply that the ex botched the encounter, the wife will forever worry about whether a more favorable encounter with any woman would lead to cheating.

eightball61 10-04-2004 09:33 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=depressesskater]

it sucks that I didn't use my judgement and avoid the whole thing, but I can't undo what was done. I just can work on today and hopefully tomorrow will be better...[/QUOTE]



You are right....Most people dont see the wrong until someone call it upon them. Some people just never see any wrong. You see your wong and you are trying to make it right. Don't give up and things will come around.

eightball61 10-04-2004 09:38 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy] He proved that he was capable of much more than she ever imagined.

[/QUOTE]




You are right but we as humans are very undeterminable. I found out this past summer I can go on a rollarcoaster fine. My point is we are capable of doing anything. Its either forgive or not forgive for the wrong doing. YEs, She may be hurt but would suck if this was just a game.

depressesskater 10-04-2004 09:41 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]It's not about what he did; it's about what he is capable of doing. He proved that he was capable of much more than she ever imagined. I think that is a heavy load for her to handle.

If the reason he didn't cheat was simply that the ex botched the encounter, the wife will forever worry about whether a more favorable encounter with any woman would lead to cheating.[/QUOTE]

that was not the reason... I didn't want to cheat... period, I love my wife and it wasn't an option... yeah as men we trive off of attention, be right or wrong, but its how we handle ourselves when presented with those option that show the "fiber of our fabric"... I am not going to deny that it changes the way my wife sees me, it will, I see myself as a different person to, actually ashamed of myself for being such a base individual, but its something I need to work out for myself and my family.

heartlandguy 10-04-2004 09:48 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
depressesskater, I have every reason to believe you are a very nice guy that made a serious error in judgement. I think everyone on the board believes that, too. We are all hoping everything works out for you two but we have nothing to lose if we are wrong. Your wife has everything to lose.

I hope you don't take our responses as personal attacks. We are just trying to give you a heads up on what she must be thinking and feeling. Personally, I think she is going through hell. I think she is trying very hard to believe everything you are telling her but she must work though her doubts.

Now that you are back in the house, do as much of the housework as you can to give her the time and space she needs to work through this. At this point, I have no better suggestion.

Good luck to both of you. :)

depressesskater 10-04-2004 09:51 AM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]depressesskater, I have every reason to believe you are a very nice guy that made a serious error in judgement. I think everyone on the board believes that, too. We are all hoping everything works out for you two but we have nothing to lose if we are wrong. Your wife has everything to lose.

I hope you don't take our responses as personal attacks. We are just trying to give you a heads up on what she must be thinking and feeling. Personally, I think she is going through hell. I think she is trying very hard to believe everything you are telling her but she must work though her doubts.

Now that you are back in the house, do as much of the houswork as you can to give her the time and space she needs to work through this. At this point, I have no better suggestion.

Good luck to both of you. :)[/QUOTE]

And I thank you for it and I don't take what you guys say as personal attacks... if anything I appreciate the honesty... once again thanks.

Ninispjc 10-04-2004 12:30 PM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
Well, I guess all that can be said at this point is good luck to you, depressed. It sounds like you've put all the balls in your wife's court and it's up to her to decide whether you're worth keeping or not. It's obvious how much you love your wife, and it's obvious you have no feelings at all for your ex. I can even hear contempt for her in your posts. And yes, you're right, it's probably extremely painful for your ex to see the wonderful life your wife has with you. Which is why I could never in a million years even be within eyesight of my ex and his wife. Maybe it's just me, but I simply can't relate to your wife carrying on so much. My ex boyfriend always told me he had a weakness for beautiful brown eyes, and a girl he associated with through work had really pretty brown eyes. His tone of voice always changed, he got this real upbeat lilt in his voice whenever he talked to her. When she called I could always tell it was her by the tone in his voice when he spoke. Often, when he would play a gig he'd forget to put my name on the list at the door but he broke his back making this cute pretend all-access backstage pass for her. I looked through his photo book and saw a picture of her eyes, just a close up of her eyes. I questioned him about it, he denied he had it. The next time I looked at the book it was gone. She was always very huggy, handsy with him, and I could feel her sort of freeze up whenever I came around. I brought up my concerns to him a couple of times, and both times he got angry with me and said I was being unreasonable. If I carried on like your wife over a couple of phone calls, my butt would be dumped faster than you could say Jack Robinson. I still say your wife has no idea how lucky she is to have a man who is willing to step up and take responsibility and do whatever it takes to work things out. I still don't feel she really has cause to overreact the way she is, but like they say, there are no wrong feelings. She's entitled to feel the way she feels, but she's just darn lucky, that's all I can say. There are women who actually do get cheated on, women whose husbands are having kids with other women, husbands who are doing much more dishonor to their wives and vows than you did, and their wives still want them. I do have to ask why your wife is so quick to throw it all away when other women forgive a lot worse? Does she not care if she loses you, or is she just so sure you'll be sorry you'll flog yourself as long as she wants you to, and you won't do what most men would do at some point and say "I've done all I can, I've said I'm sorry as much as I can and it's not good enough for you. I can't do anymore. Bye."

susieq0726 10-04-2004 12:55 PM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=Ninispjc]Well, I guess all that can be said at this point is good luck to you, depressed. It sounds like you've put all the balls in your wife's court and it's up to her to decide whether you're worth keeping or not. It's obvious how much you love your wife, and it's obvious you have no feelings at all for your ex. I can even hear contempt for her in your posts. And yes, you're right, it's probably extremely painful for your ex to see the wonderful life your wife has with you. Which is why I could never in a million years even be within eyesight of my ex and his wife. Maybe it's just me, but I simply can't relate to your wife carrying on so much. My ex boyfriend always told me he had a weakness for beautiful brown eyes, and a girl he associated with through work had really pretty brown eyes. His tone of voice always changed, he got this real upbeat lilt in his voice whenever he talked to her. When she called I could always tell it was her by the tone in his voice when he spoke. Often, when he would play a gig he'd forget to put my name on the list at the door but he broke his back making this cute pretend all-access backstage pass for her. I looked through his photo book and saw a picture of her eyes, just a close up of her eyes. I questioned him about it, he denied he had it. The next time I looked at the book it was gone. She was always very huggy, handsy with him, and I could feel her sort of freeze up whenever I came around. I brought up my concerns to him a couple of times, and both times he got angry with me and said I was being unreasonable. If I carried on like your wife over a couple of phone calls, my butt would be dumped faster than you could say Jack Robinson. I still say your wife has no idea how lucky she is to have a man who is willing to step up and take responsibility and do whatever it takes to work things out. I still don't feel she really has cause to overreact the way she is, but like they say, there are no wrong feelings. She's entitled to feel the way she feels, but she's just darn lucky, that's all I can say. There are women who actually do get cheated on, women whose husbands are having kids with other women, husbands who are doing much more dishonor to their wives and vows than you did, and their wives still want them. I do have to ask why your wife is so quick to throw it all away when other women forgive a lot worse? Does she not care if she loses you, or is she just so sure you'll be sorry you'll flog yourself as long as she wants you to, and you won't do what most men would do at some point and say "I've done all I can, I've said I'm sorry as much as I can and it's not good enough for you. I can't do anymore. Bye."[/QUOTE]



DITTO!!!!! I have said all along that yes she had a right to feel hurt, but now she needs to get over it.

Ninispjc 10-04-2004 01:27 PM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=susieq0726]DITTO!!!!! I have said all along that yes she had a right to feel hurt, but now she needs to get over it.[/QUOTE]

I hope all she needs is a little time, and I don't know how long ago this whole thing really blew up, but hopefully after a while, she'll come around. Someone said she must be going through hell. Yes, I'm sure it's not easy feeling your husband, best friend, life partner, etc. betrayed you on any level, but BELIEVE ME, as someone who is going through the exact same thing as the ex, whatever pain the wife may be feeling, it is NOTHING compared to spending the last 7 years of your life alone with no one to share your life with, feeling like an elephant is sitting on your chest every waking minute of the day because you know the man you still love so much never loved you, sees you as nothing more than a mistake he made once, and is giving all the love, attention, respect, understanding, etc. that you would have died for to another woman that he deemed more worthy of it than you were. Now THAT'S as close to Hell on Earth as anyone wants to get, believe me. The wife can choose to end her hell if she wants to. She can make the decision to forgive, to believe him, to accept the fact that her husband is human and will make mistakes, to have a little faith that he really does love her, and plug into her marriage again and make it work. The ex has no choice. I know I'm probably projecting here, but I feel for the ex much more than I feel for the wife, to be honest. I do feel for the wife and do understand to some degree how she must feel, but I know there are much worse shoes to be in.

heartlandguy 10-04-2004 01:33 PM

Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!
 
[QUOTE=susieq0726]DITTO!!!!! I have said all along that yes she had a right to feel hurt, but now she needs to get over it.[/QUOTE]I think we all want his wife to work through her pain and resume life as before. What is a reasonable amount of time for her to work through this?

Susie, being a knuckle-dragging male I don't understand Women's Standard Time. I read your post as saying she should be back to normal almost any day now. I'm sure I misunderstand your post and all of the ladies are laughing at my ignorance. I personally think it would take several months before things got completely back to normal between them if everything goes well. Please clarify this for me.


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