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    Old 09-29-2004, 02:14 AM   #1
    depressesskater
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    Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    here goes....
    About a month or so ago, while in the gym, an ex girlfriend of mine approached me and started to talk to me. We had broken up 7 years ago and it was a pretty bad break-up. I had seen her before in the gym and we exchanges "words", and my wife knew her and felt sorry for her. Anyhow, I wasn't really paying her any mind as she spoke and it wasn't as confrontational as our first run in at the gym. She asked about my family and regular small talk... Asked about my brother, they both worked in the same, building, but he changed jobs. I told her he left there and was working else where, asked if I had knew of any men that were single and I said no... She then asked if I could give her email address to my brother, in case they were hiring at his new job because she was having a hard time there... I didn't think much of it.... she tells me that she's having a hard dealing with relationships and wanted to know if I could give her insight on what it might be... I tell that I can't speak for her now, but I can tell her why I left her back then... it bugged me a bit, but whatever... I was doing my sets and was almost done... we spoke briefly and I left... I go home tell my wife about the encounter and she tells maybe she still hung up on me or maybe she wants closure or to better herself... I dismiss it and go about my day, but I didn't tell my wife about the email address she gave me, figured it might send the wrong message or something (first mistake) ... I email my ex (from an old aol account that I rarely use, second mistake), telling her that I passed her email off to my brother and its out of my hands. Throw out the email address and go about my day... get to work open the laptop, go about my day... a couple hours into my shift I notice and IM... its my ex, I didn’t think much of it, so I speak to her, we continued to talk about our past relationship and just life in general. Nothing serious, just small talk... anyway this goes for about an hour or so... I think nothing of it... The next day, again, another IM.. Same subject, this time she wants to know if she can call me, I didn't feel comfortable giving her my # so she gives me hers and I call her from my cell, but I block my # just as a precaution... we speak for awhile, and as I am speaking to her about our past and what’s going on in my life now, I realize that its also giving me some closure to, so we talk for awhile... she would start talking bout **** that was inappropriate and I'd tell her that I didn't mind trying to help out, but if it put me at risk with my wife, that I would have to stop talking to her... needless to say we spoke for a couple of days for a couple of hours (tues, weds, thurs) and a couple of days the week after that, at one point she told me she told me she was still attracted to me and I told that it was flattering, but I am happily married... we realized that we had been talking allot and that there was nothing else more we could talk about, she got her closure and I got mine, so we agreed to go our separate ways, if we see each other, we'll say hi, but other than that nothing more.... I felt guilty for talking for her so much and ask my brother and close friends if I should tell my wife, they said yes, I of course chicken out and go back to living my life, everything back to normal, things at home great.... I get the cellphone bill and never think twice about it... so last thurs, while my wife is shredding bills she comes across the cell bill, she calls once gets an answering machine, ok. She then takes the number and calls her friend at the gym and asks him to double check with my ex's info... bingo... **** hits the fan, she calls again, ex answers, wife questions her why we were speaking for so long and that she can have me.... Calls me at work and starts yelling at me... I panic, and fumble for answers.... I call my ex up and ask what she told my wife and tell her to have a nice life! Needless to say, my wife thinks I was having an affair... I know I should have told my wife about it, but I felt guilty about it, we didn't do anything but talk and if the conversation got inappropriate I would remind her about my marriage, I know we spoke long, but at the end we felt closure and both agreed on it. Now I am at my mothers (wife feels betrayed, that I looked for comfort with someone else, that her attention wasn't enough) and is considering a separation, she’s talking to everyone about it and everyone tells her that she doesn't deserve what I did to her and that I must have been having an affair... I love this woman dearly, she is my life.... I know I should have told her when it first started, but I felt guilty and figure it was over and done with... I hate what I am going thru and miss my life so much... Please advice!!!!

     
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    Old 09-29-2004, 04:24 AM   #2
    qcparks
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    I feel for you, my husband broke my trust by having an "internet" affair and it led to phone calls and etc. He almost left me and we yelled, screamed and etc.

    Things worked and then I found out a year later he started contacting her again, she was/is married too. I found out through an email with a new addy. I have my ways of getting info off the computer and opening emails without the passwords. Long explanation, anyway more fighting but we got over it.

    Do I trust him now? Sometimes but not always, his ex, the biological mother of his kids (who gave up all rights and let me adopt) calls every once in a blue moon and I get ****** and ask a hundred and one questions and he answers me.

    For now, you need to beg forgiveness, send flowers, cry, do what it takes if you truly want her back. You may never be trusted again and that is your own fault, granted you say you did nothing wrong other then the secrecy.

    Don't turn it around and tell her "you told me to have closure", that will make her take defence.

    Admit to being wrong, change your cell phone numbers, email addys and anything else she wants you to change.

    Don't deny what you did, but don't say you did something you didn't do.

    You will have to wait it out and continue telling her you love her, don't give up and never, ever go back to the ex or you will prove her right.

    If she truly loves you she will forgive you in time. Let her know you take full responsibility for being stupid but you wouldn't do anything intentionally to harm her or your marriage.

    Don't give up if you truly love her and tell her how this experience has shown you how much she means to you and how you never want to lose her.

    She has the floor, all you can do is humble yourself and ask forgiveness and gifts don't hurt!

    If you must quit the gym then do so or only go together, you will have to make the offer. In time she will let it go but check up on you on occasion, live with it, it is part of the deal. Once trust is broken, it may never come back, all you can do is try.

    Good luck, I hope this helps. I do feel for you, but I know how she feels too and it hurts a lot.

    Take care

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 04:54 AM   #3
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Ohhhhhh.....boy, oh boy, oh boy!!! You really got caught with your hands in the cookie jar. I know this is probably the last thing you need to hear right now.....but what is it with you guys.....didn't you see the red flags??? The minute she handed you the e-mail address, a big red flag should have gone up!!! At least you should have rippped it up on the way out the door on your way home to your wife!!!


    This ex of yours was playing you from the start....and what has happpened is exactly what she was hoping was going to happen. You need to sit down with your wife as soon as things calm down...fess up to every little detail of your phone conversation including how your ex is still attracted to you....and then tell her the steps you are going to take to make sure that you never interact with her again. You need to make your wife believe that for you this was totally a step towards closure and when you saw that it wasn't for her that the phone call got uncomfortable and you talked on longer to convince your ex that there was no chance in the world of the two of you getting back together!!!! Then you need to find another gym....your ex knows your gym & the time you frequent it & believe me will take every opportunity to plant her body there every time your's is!!!! Run for the hills boy....because now that she knows there's a rift between you and your wife she's going to play you like a fiddle!!!

    You have to spend all your energies convincing your wife that she's your one & only. I have to give you credit for going to your wife in the first place telling her about running into your ex. Not many men would have done that....but dummy to act on the e-mail and make that phone call without saying to your wife...."I think you're right honey...she needs closure and I'm going to talk to her once by phone and give her that so it doesn't get uncomfortable running into each other at the gym. And if it did.....then to tell wife & go to another gym.

    You'll win her back....it's going to take a little time but you'll learn to see those red flags and run for the hills when you do in the future. Good luck....and keep us posted here...my fingers are crossed for you....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 09-29-2004 at 04:57 AM.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 04:54 AM   #4
    susieq0726
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Your wife is just going to have to get over it. If you didn't persue this woman and what you say is true, (ie nothing sexual happened) tell your wife the whole story and come clean with every detail. I guess I can kinda see why she feels the way she does, but she needs to get a grip. I think she is over reacting to the situation.
    If you have never done anything in the past to make her distrust you and you have a good marriage, she is making a mountain out of a mole hill. Granted you should have told her everything in the begining and maybe your shouldn't have talked to your ex so extensively, but c'mon,,,I think your wife is being unreasonable. We all have past relationships and I am sure you had a life before you met and married your wife. Does she think you just crawled out from under a rock? In addition, she is probably stretching the truth when talking to her friends about it to make sure she is building her "Army" against you. Tell her to take a chill pill. Sorry,,,I just see it this way. She could be throwing away a wonderful marriage over something so trivial. Does she have security issues? Her reaction to this would lend me to believe that she does.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 05:16 AM   #5
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    If your being honest here in your post and nothing happened with this ex.
    Then you need to go all out and Show your Wife how much you love her, how sorry you are for NOT THINKING.

    Your wife is Very Hurt as you can see.

    Take out an Ad in the paper and Tell her your sorry.
    Send her Flowers EVERYDAY with a nice note.
    Send her Balloons, with I love you's.
    Get her her favorite bottle of Perfume,
    Send her a Card Everyday in the mail, I'm Sorry, I love you, etc. etc.

    You want your wife back? Then you do Everything possible to get her back.
    You want Her Trust Back, Your gonna have to be patience and get it back by earning it.

    Good Luck.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 05:36 AM   #6
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by depressesskater
    here goes....
    About a month or so ago, while in the gym, an ex girlfriend of mine approached me and started to talk to me. We had broken up 7 years ago and it was a pretty bad break-up. I had seen her before in the gym and we exchanges "words", and my wife knew her and felt sorry for her. Anyhow, I wasn't really paying her any mind as she spoke and it wasn't as confrontational as our first run in at the gym. She asked about my family and regular small talk... Asked about my brother, they both worked in the same, building, but he changed jobs. I told her he left there and was working else where, asked if I had knew of any men that were single and I said no... She then asked if I could give her email address to my brother, in case they were hiring at his new job because she was having a hard time there... I didn't think much of it.... she tells me that she's having a hard dealing with relationships and wanted to know if I could give her insight on what it might be... I tell that I can't speak for her now, but I can tell her why I left her back then... it bugged me a bit, but whatever... I was doing my sets and was almost done... we spoke briefly and I left... I go home tell my wife about the encounter and she tells maybe she still hung up on me or maybe she wants closure or to better herself... I dismiss it and go about my day, but I didn't tell my wife about the email address she gave me, figured it might send the wrong message or something (first mistake) ... I email my ex (from an old aol account that I rarely use, second mistake), telling her that I passed her email off to my brother and its out of my hands. Throw out the email address and go about my day... get to work open the laptop, go about my day... a couple hours into my shift I notice and IM... its my ex, I didn’t think much of it, so I speak to her, we continued to talk about our past relationship and just life in general. Nothing serious, just small talk... anyway this goes for about an hour or so... I think nothing of it... The next day, again, another IM.. Same subject, this time she wants to know if she can call me, I didn't feel comfortable giving her my # so she gives me hers and I call her from my cell, but I block my # just as a precaution... we speak for awhile, and as I am speaking to her about our past and what’s going on in my life now, I realize that its also giving me some closure to, so we talk for awhile... she would start talking bout **** that was inappropriate and I'd tell her that I didn't mind trying to help out, but if it put me at risk with my wife, that I would have to stop talking to her... needless to say we spoke for a couple of days for a couple of hours (tues, weds, thurs) and a couple of days the week after that, at one point she told me she told me she was still attracted to me and I told that it was flattering, but I am happily married... we realized that we had been talking allot and that there was nothing else more we could talk about, she got her closure and I got mine, so we agreed to go our separate ways, if we see each other, we'll say hi, but other than that nothing more.... I felt guilty for talking for her so much and ask my brother and close friends if I should tell my wife, they said yes, I of course chicken out and go back to living my life, everything back to normal, things at home great.... I get the cellphone bill and never think twice about it... so last thurs, while my wife is shredding bills she comes across the cell bill, she calls once gets an answering machine, ok. She then takes the number and calls her friend at the gym and asks him to double check with my ex's info... bingo... **** hits the fan, she calls again, ex answers, wife questions her why we were speaking for so long and that she can have me.... Calls me at work and starts yelling at me... I panic, and fumble for answers.... I call my ex up and ask what she told my wife and tell her to have a nice life! Needless to say, my wife thinks I was having an affair... I know I should have told my wife about it, but I felt guilty about it, we didn't do anything but talk and if the conversation got inappropriate I would remind her about my marriage, I know we spoke long, but at the end we felt closure and both agreed on it. Now I am at my mothers (wife feels betrayed, that I looked for comfort with someone else, that her attention wasn't enough) and is considering a separation, she’s talking to everyone about it and everyone tells her that she doesn't deserve what I did to her and that I must have been having an affair... I love this woman dearly, she is my life.... I know I should have told her when it first started, but I felt guilty and figure it was over and done with... I hate what I am going thru and miss my life so much... Please advice!!!!
    I dont know, I smell a rat here. Talking for hours for several days? What to talk about? You were sneaky from the get go and you knew it was wrong. She may have been the one to "play" you but you agreed to participate in the "game". Sorry to come across as hard but something does not sound right. You knew it was wrong and felt "guilty", but continued on with the game. I wonder how far this would have went if your wife did not find out.
    In my opinion not only did you break trust, you cheated your wife out of time that could have been spent talking to her. I hope things do work out for you but I must say, in my opinion, you really did damage your relationship with your wife. Trust is hard to rebuild especially if your wife suspects you were cheating. Its going to be a long road for you. I feel sorry for your wife, not you. Unfortunatley, you earned the position that you are in right now. I do agree with the other posters about trying to show your wife you are sorry and love her.

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    Old 09-29-2004, 06:32 AM   #7
    eightball61
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    You can be forgiving but never forgotten. You wife just wants a seperation for the time being. The seperation will allow you both to think things through and see what is really valuable here. It will take sometime to go through but you need to show her that you made the mistake and willing to do anthing to correct it. Another words if she wants to talk then you talk and dont brush her off.

    Alot of it deals with emotions and feeling...

    Last edited by eightball61; 09-29-2004 at 06:40 AM.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 06:38 AM   #8
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    I myslef comepletely understand how this could happen. I have had a similar situation, accept I am the one who initiated contact, (found an ex I haven't spoke to for 7+years) The reason I did was because he was my sins father and He (the guy) didn't even know he had a kid..... anyways. When me and my husband discussed the situation he was in agreement that I should contact him..... But it was impossible to tell him all that things me and this other person talked about. He would get all attitude about every little thing. So I found myself conveniently not telling him any of it. After the first phone conversation (all the others were IM) I was confused that maybe I still had feelings for the other person, seeing as when I left thefre was no reason accept my family hated him and his family etc... And I left and never looked back. I do not even know if my DH would get mad if he knew all the times I have talked to him. But my own confusion about my feelings made it harder for me. I even entertained the thought for a few days of trying to figure out how to leave, Until I came to my senses of course. I had to pray a lot for God to change my heart. Eventually I started feeling better, I know this is not the same as you, But in a sense it is you talked to her a lot and didn't tell her. I am just saying I understand why. If your spouse is not an open person to talk to these things can happen. Thats why it happened with me. Me and the ex only speak in email now. (Much easier!). And we do have a reason we HAVE to keep in touch. Which makes it even harder. All I can say is pray about it! As others have said, do everythikng your wife asks and everything you can to get her back. In this case make sure there is NO contact from that person. Because as soon as you do, and you widfe finds out she wil NEVER believe ou again. I cannot put myself in your wifes shoes.... I do not think my husband would have done that I would be the one before him. But even if he did, it would hurt. Do you have children? If there is children in the picture your wife will be more willing to work it out. UNLESS she was looking for a way out. How has your relationship been up til this happaned? If she was looking for a way out, she will use this all the way. Unfortunately. If she wasn't though, all you can do is love her, tell her your sorry, explain why you didn't tell her, etc. She will either learn to accept it and move on, but will take a long time to earn her trust back.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 07:31 AM   #9
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Man, you made one big serious problem. You knew what you were doing was wrong from the get go. Why did you not tell your wife about the email address in the first place? Because you knew that she wouldn't like it and figured if you don't tell her you aren't hurting anyone. Now look, you and your wife are hurting, bad. If you have nothing to hide, you don't hide anything.

    Okay, so you know you made a big mistake. I can understand why your wife doesn't trust you now. She probably wants to beleive that you didn't have an affair with this woman, but since you hid the phone calls, shes now questioning what else you have hid from her. The smallest thing can break years of trust. I beleive that nothing happened with this woman. But you knew from the beginning that you needed to not talk to your ex, but something kept you talking. You know now you were playing with fire.

    Its going to take LONG time to rebuild your trust with your wife. If you have never lied to her before then she may have an easier time beleiveing you. You didn't lie to her, you just withheld information from her, which is even worse in my opinion. Maybe in her gut she'll realize that you never slept with this woman during your marriage. First, give her some space. She needs time to work out all the anger. Approaching her now only causes more arguments. I agree with the other posters...send flowers, cards, etc. Nows your time to beg, if you want to make your marriage work. Keep us posted.

    Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 09-29-2004 at 07:38 AM.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 08:26 AM   #10
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    After reading all the posts on this topic, I still think your wife is over reacting just a little bit, but now after reading some of the responses, I can see another side. I believe you were wrong by not telling your wife about the conversations you were having with your ex. Though to you they were innocent enough, put yourself in her shoes: What would you have done if she had been the one talking to HER ex and hiding it from you? I think you knew deep down inside what you were doing was innapropriate and this is confirmed by you trying to cover your tracks. (ie blocking the phone number and so on,,,,) I have talked to my ex from time to time, but ALWAYS talk about it with my husband, and he knows about every conversation. (My ex and I are still friends,,,)
    I do think some grawveling will be involved for awhile, but if your marriage is strong, it will survive. On the other hand, I still think your wife needs to chill out a little bit and try and work with you so the marriage can get back on the right track. Here's some advice: DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 08:31 AM   #11
    eightball61
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726
    After reading all the posts on this topic, I still think your wife is over reacting just a little bit, but now after reading some of the responses, I can see another side.


    True and its like what I said about emotions and feelings. His wife feels broken because he kept this hidden. Its not like he went over board but alot of times keeping something hidden when it deals with talking to the opposite sex during marriage it can be painful and hurtful. Most times its the start of the cheating process but this never went that far. Marriage counseling is a good option i think.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 11:24 AM   #12
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    ooh, i think the main reason your wife feels this way is because all this was kept hidden...my hubby could've ended up in the same boat recently but he came forth with it...

    he was at the base gates and a girl he went to tech school with said hi to him and said she'd call him sometime...but he knows he's still in hot water with me for some past issues so he just drove off...when he got home he told me about it and started wondering outloud how she could have gotten our number...he wouldn't be dumb enough to give it out to another woman because i'm the one that primarily uses the cell and i do check the numbers on the monthly bills...

    anyhow, back to you...i'm sure you've explained the whole situation to her and she just needs time to think it all over and decide what she wants...she may stay with you but at the same time never believe the truth...

    you must do anything and everything you can right now to show how much you care...show her the archives on your messenger if you have to...
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    Old 09-29-2004, 01:42 PM   #13
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Thanks all... I guess I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.... I am giving her space, even though its hard... When she calls I just apologize and tell her I love her... Sometimes I think things are get better, but other times they seen to get worst again... Its hard as hell... I really hate myself for doing this to her... I just try and stay busy and not let it effect my ability to work...Thanks once again for all your replies

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 01:56 PM   #14
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by depressesskater
    Thanks all... I guess I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.... I am giving her space, even though its hard... When she calls I just apologize and tell her I love her... Sometimes I think things are get better, but other times they seen to get worst again... Its hard as hell... I really hate myself for doing this to her... I just try and stay busy and not let it effect my ability to work...Thanks once again for all your replies

    We are here for you anytime if you just need to talk to someone. Have you mentioned marriage counseling to her?

    Last edited by eightball61; 09-29-2004 at 02:52 PM.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 02:50 PM   #15
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    Re: Please Help... I broke my wifes trust!!!!

    Ok here's my two cents and I hope it's not too blunt!

    I really don't believe one word you say about 'not thinking anymore about it' because anyone who doesn't think anything of a situation doesn't have such exact recollection as you do, because it fades insignificantly into the background.

    You tried to have a little flirt, you were obviously flattered by her attention (who wouldnt be?) and in the end you realized you were caught up in a little game that you quite happily participated in. No one who is happily married without any bad intention gives out email addresses and calls ex's they haven't seen in so long. They make small talk if they bump into each other, and wish each other well for the future upon departing...and that's it! You didn't give her YOUR number because you didn't want her calling at a time you could be caught out by your wife and you wanted to be in total control of this little situation so you rang her instead. Don't say that's not true, because if you had no intentions at all you wouldn't have telephoned her, right?

    Your wife isn't stupid because she is thinking all I have told you right here, and quite rightly so she's p*ssed at you. I'd have kicked you quite literally. And this my dears, is how 'affairs' start...luckily you didn't get in too deep, but you could have....and it's really not worth the hassle is it?

    If I were you i'd get on my knees and admit you were silly, acted like a fool because you were given attention and it went to your head, and beg her forgiveness. If you don't trust me, her attitude will continue for god knows how long. Because you've broken trust. So grow up, be a man, and do the manly thing and go back to your wife and admit your part, however small, (women like to be proved right) and say sorry. Learn your lesson.

     
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