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    Old 09-29-2004, 04:45 PM   #1
    twotulips
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    starting fights with him

    I realize now that I do this,its like I look for things to argue about,especially when he is about to leave somewhere or when he is about to drop me off at home and go and do something.He asks me why I start fights and I say I dont and then I bring something up.My boyfriend and I dont really have anything to fight about,we mostly have disagreements but who doesnt? The thing is,I dont know how to seperate a the two.I think in my mind that you cant disagree without a fight and I know thats wrong.Iam also a very defensive,stubborn person and my boyfriend is the exact same.Him and I opposites when it comes to other things but when it comes to that we are the exact same.He says one thing in a sarcstic tone and Im on the defense.We laugh about the fact that we do that after we do it but we still always seem to do it.I also have this thing and I dont know why I do and I have spent many nights wondering why I think like this but I always think he doesnt care.He could do ten of the sweetest most sincere things for me and one thing that made me do "hmmmm...what does that mean?" and thats all I will focus on,nevermind all the nice things,I only focus,more like obsess about that thing that left me confused.When we first got together I explained to him that I wanted to remain my own person and not just half of a couple and he agreed and we did that but now I feel sad when Im not around him and I dont really want to hang out with my friends that much.Its like no matter what he does I wont be happy.I have reliazed this and I know that its not his fault Iam unhappy and that it is something in me that is missing and not something in us that is missing How can I seperate the two? My boyfriend is good to me but I know that Im making him feel like hes not doing a good enough job.

    What should I do? This is hard on me and harder on him..please help

     
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    Old 09-29-2004, 04:49 PM   #2
    NothingFazesHer
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    Re: starting fights with him

    I'm not surprized it's hard on him, you are confusing me! Does anyone else have problems in understanding the depth of this post?

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 05:24 PM   #3
    SaraE10
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    Re: starting fights with him

    I think you've got a few different topics going on in your post. But they all seem to relate to one source: you are too negative about everything!! You are a pessimist, and you aren't happy unless you are UNHAPPY! Things seem like they are going GREAT for you in this relationship, but you won't rest until you find something negative to focus on. Why? You seem to thrive on conflict, which is why you start fights. YOu need to do some soul-searching and figure out why it is you simply can't see the good things in life! Your boyfriend is giving you space to see your friends and he's being very understanding, but you find that you don't want to see your friends. See what you just did? You took something positive and turned it into something negative. Try instead to make a list of all the great things in your life, and all the great things about your boyfriend. And don't hesitate to share it with him, because his head is probably spinning from your behaviour. You never know- he could be a day away from breaking up with you. You have to let him know that he's such a great part of your life, and that you cherish him. And then you need to work on whatever part of you it is that tells you you can't be happy.
    Hang in there. You just have to do a little soul-searching. You'll be fine.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 06:08 PM   #4
    promisez
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    Re: starting fights with him

    My simple thoughts:
    There are two ways to have someone think of you while you are seperated. One is "I love you, have fun" and the other is to force the person to think of you in a negative light. Its up to you whether you are the Beauty or the Beast in his mind when you split up.

     
    Old 09-29-2004, 09:42 PM   #5
    Snails
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    Re: starting fights with him

    I think it's astute of you to see that the problem is with your outlook and not with his behavior. First, you need to reassure him that when you get snippy, it's not because of anything he did. This will help him be more patient and understanding, but even so, if you don't get this under control, he's going to probably get fed up at some point. No one likes to have to walk on eggshells, especially around someone they care about. I agree that a good place for you to start working on this is to focus on the positive and try to ignore the negative. When he does 10 nice things and you focus on the one negative thing, make a conscious effort to forget about the negative thing and concentrate on the good things he's done. Or take whatever's negative and try to see the upside in it. It sounds like you have a great BF and I'm sure that the majority of what he does is loving and sweet. Another thing I do when I feel myself about to get annoyed at my BF for something trivial is stop and ask myself: is this really worth it? Is this really something I want to start a fight over?

    Is it possible that you're unconsciously pushing him away because you're unhappy with yourself and don't think you deserve to be treated well? This might account for why you stubbornly focus on only the negative aspects of your relationship. I remember doing the same thing in a past relationship--picking fights about everything, even things I didn't care about, because I wasn't happy with the relationship in general. I ended up pushing him away for awhile, then realized he just wasn't the right guy. But in this situation, it sounds more like you need to work something out within yourself, convince yourself that you and your BF should be happy, that you deserve to be happy together. Maybe I'm getting this all wrong, so if you don't feel like this advice is applicable, it might help if you clarify a bit more. Good luck, and try to bite your tongue a bit more--it would suck to lose a great guy because you can't keep from snapping at him.

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 06:28 AM   #6
    eightball61
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    Re: starting fights with him

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by twotulips
    My boyfriend is good to me but I know that Im making him feel like hes not doing a good enough job.


    Take that goodness and build from it. Trying taking is positive things you like about him and build something stronger with that. I am sure its tearing him in some ways but he sees other better things about you and that is why he has stayed. I can't determine if he will just get fed up and leave some day but you need to work with the positive and maybe seek some counseling to help you out.

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 08:54 AM   #7
    NothingFazesHer
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    Re: starting fights with him

    ok my two cents. first off...you're dating, not married, so where do you even get the attitude that 'he doesn't do enough for you'.....basically when you're dating the only thing you are supposed to do is keep each other entertained, give a little affection if you wish, and have a great time. Dating is not the same as being engaged or married. When you are dating no one owes anyone anything. So I'd say look to yourself why you think you act like this. If I, even as a woman, was dating someone and they had that attitude with me, I'd dump them like a hot brick...it says a lot for your bf that he hasnt. It's not too late, so tell him, im sorry, i don't know why i act like this, but i'm gonna fix it and i just want you to know that as a person i do really appreciate you. End of!

     
    Old 09-30-2004, 05:51 PM   #8
    tshont
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    Re: starting fights with him

    I do the same thing a lot. It's hard, but you can definetly control it. The best thing to do is just seperate yourself from him for a little while until you feel like you've calmed down. Have you talked to him? I tell my boyfriend all the time how sorry I am for being insecure and bratty, and how much I love him and appreciate him.

    I guess everyone has flaws, yours maybe your insecurities and like said above, pessimistic tendencies. If he loves you, he'll except the whole package (he should)

     
    Old 10-01-2004, 06:06 AM   #9
    eightball61
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    Re: starting fights with him

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tshont

    I guess everyone has flaws, yours maybe your insecurities and like said above, pessimistic tendencies. If he loves you, he'll except the whole package (he should)


    And I couldn't agree more. My GF know about my issues but she deals with it and helps me out. Its a team work effort and she has not yet gave up. Thats is why I love her so much

     
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