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    Old 10-03-2004, 12:01 PM   #1
    Jessthemess
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    Boyfriend is changing

    My boyfriend is changing right before my eyes! When we first started dating, he was so sweet and open minded. Well, now he's become a different person. We fight about everything. For example, I have guy friends. Not a lot, but a few. These aren't just guys I met at a bar or anything, these have been life-long friends of mine who have stuck by me no matter what. All of a sudden, he has a huge problem with them and freaks out when I'm with them. Also, we always have to do exactly what he wants to, or he throws a HUGE fit. Everything from what we watch on tv to where we eat dinner is controlled by him. If I ever do get him to do something that I want, he acts miserable the entire time. He's also told me that he doesn't want me to be spoiled, so he needs to "make a point" to not let me get my way. ***?! The more I write the more surprised I'm getting at myself. Plus, I think he's prejudice against women. He been making little comments like "thats a women job" or "guests should always ask the man of the house for permission to do something". Anyway, it's just a bunch of little things like that. Every time I try to talk things out with him, he gets angry and starts yelling or kicks me out of his house. Advice would be appreciated.

     
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    Old 10-03-2004, 12:27 PM   #2
    promisez
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    Re: Boyfriend is changing

    Definitely one insecure male if he has to try to control others lives "his" way. Relationships are all about change but thats positive change and his are negative. He can say he will change for you but you have seen how he will do that. Nice at first then altering behaviours later. I wouldn't take the risk of any kind of commitment but you will have to decide how controlled you will allow your life to be with this guy. Keep one of my old sayings in mind. You can change a cucumber to a pickle but you can't change it back. Only you can decide if he's a pickle now.

     
    Old 10-03-2004, 02:05 PM   #3
    Tenna B.
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    Re: Boyfriend is changing

    Like Promisez said, I think this guy is kind of a control freak. You need to be really careful in this situation. My sister married a man who was/is a control freak, and she finally decided to divorce him. She described it as 7 years of feeling like a prisioner in her own life. Since her annoucement and subsiquent divorce, she says she feels liberated. I only bring this up because you need to understand that controlling people are always controlling. If you try and wait for them to outgrow it, or that you might be able to change them, you are really taking on a task that is VERY difficult if not impossible.

    Now, the other point I want to make. As a guy, I am probably guilty of this as well, even though I like to think that I'm a "what you see is what you get" type guy. I'm rambling....sorry. When guys are new to a relationship, we tend to put on our best fronts. It's because it's new, and we want to make sure you ladies don't give up on us. But as time goes by, we get more comfortable with our girlfriends. With that, we tend to start behaving as our true selves. For instance, if a guy has a tendency to leave the toilet seat up, he may in the beginning always put it down, but after a while, will start leaving it up, because that's their true self. If this guy has changed drastically, you need to ask yourself if you like what you see. If you don't, get out. Don't stick around and try and change him, or don't pine over how he "used" to be. You need to see him for what he is. If you don't like what you see, move on. It's as simple as that.

    One other thing. Controlling men will often seek out insecure, vulnrebel women. They do this, whether on purpose or instintively, but never the less, they find them. I don't know you, but hanging around with a guy that controlls you makes you an enabler.

    Good luck. And please, keep in mind that no one should ever have to be ruled by their lover. After all, the middle ages are over!


     
    Old 10-03-2004, 03:49 PM   #4
    glorydots
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    Re: Boyfriend is changing

    It seems like your boyfriend is quite comfortable in the relationship.
    I think you need to step outside of this relationship and see if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
    Chances are he will not change so the change is up to you.
    If you find you are more frustrated and unhappy, than elated and inlove...well i think things need to be re examined on a whole.
    Change is hard, but it can be good.
    I am not telling you to leave him..I do not have the right.
    My ex, years into our relationship demanded I stop having contact with my very best male friends. I obliged. Those men were my rock, my everything and I let them go for my ex. I am grateful to have these men back in my life. I am grateful I ended my realtionship.
    But this is just me...
    I hope you find the strength and clarity you are looking for.

    ~glorydots

     
    Old 10-03-2004, 05:17 PM   #5
    realguy
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    Re: Boyfriend is changing

    What do you get from this relationship? You"ve said the cons, now let"s here the pros.

     
    Old 10-04-2004, 04:14 AM   #6
    Cp406
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    Re: Boyfriend is changing

    Just ask yourself if that's the type of relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life, because that is probably how he is going to treat you. He won't change. My opinion is he's done trying to impress you, now the "real" him is coming out.

    Like RealGuy said, what are the pros of the relationship?

     
    Old 10-04-2004, 06:24 AM   #7
    eightball61
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    Re: Boyfriend is changing

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Jessthemess
    Every time I try to talk things out with him, he gets angry and starts yelling or kicks me out of his house. Advice would be appreciated.

    Think about what he is doing to your self-esteem everytime he yells and gets rid of you. There is only so much you will be able to take and now coming here you are starting to get to that ppoint where enough is enough. Next time you fight and he kicks you out tell him that you are not coming back and if he says good then stick to your word. You dont need this emotional abuse.

     
    Old 10-05-2004, 08:02 AM   #8
    Jessthemess
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    Re: Boyfriend is changing

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by realguy
    What do you get from this relationship? You"ve said the cons, now let"s here the pros.
    The pros? He's gorgeous . Thats about it....totally kidding, but he is a cutie. Being serious though, he does care about me. I think he just doesn't know how to express that, so he shows it through jealousy. That's not a justification, so don't think I'm exusing that behavior, thats just how I see it. Plus, I probably should have mentioned that I do stick up for myself when he gets that way. Like, if he wants me to leave, I don't tuck my tail between my legs and scurry off. I usually tear his head off and leave. Either way, I'm just getting sick of it. It's not like I'm going to marry the guy, but its just comfortable with him because I've been around him for so long. This is such a train wreck.

    Last edited by Jessthemess; 10-05-2004 at 08:03 AM.

     
    Old 10-05-2004, 08:23 AM   #9
    eightball61
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    Re: Boyfriend is changing

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Jessthemess
    This is such a train wreck.


    Relationships will have faults. Not all people are the same..infact we are all different. You can make the best of it though. If you truelly think that this is a train wreck with no future then go find yourself some happiness. Guys like this take a while to get adjusted to you. Some eventually get worse. If you see any signs of abuse then it be time to go but do stuff that will make him feel not jealous. Invite him out with you, write him notes of expressions, ect...just try anything.

     
    Old 10-05-2004, 11:22 AM   #10
    promisez
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    Re: Boyfriend is changing

    Thats not a relationship, he's like an old chair that has predictable behaviours. So why are you afraid to go start a new relationship based upon a long term commitment? You're getting hurt anyway, you may as well take a chance on happiness with someone else that has more then "cute" going for him. Evidently you want and deserve a lot more deep down then this shallow relationship so it's time to stop this train from wrecking by placing it on the "jealous" siderail and looking for the next train that knows how to stop at the "Dozen Roses" Station.

     
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