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  • Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

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    Old 10-12-2004, 10:18 AM   #16
    eightball61
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Fury23
    I'll do my best to try this, but maybe I will have to get over my tendency to do whatever to make her happy. If she wants something, I always do whatever is in my power to make it happen. Thanks to everyone for all the help.

    I am the same way and thats great that you bend over for her but there is a limit if you are just getting crapped on back and not getting anything in return nice. I know you want to be nice but she is expecting to much and when she sees you pull back she hounds on you because she isn;t used to that. If you pull back do it little by little...

     
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    Old 10-13-2004, 01:48 AM   #17
    Fury23
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Makes sense, I don't want her to think that I have changed dramatically. I'm not the only one who puts in any effort, she really makes me happy, so I give her what she deserves, which is anything and everything. So she told me just recently that she likes me to give her options so she can choose what she likes. Does this change anything? So now it seems like I have to have multiple plans ready so that she can choose what she likes.

     
    Old 10-13-2004, 06:03 AM   #18
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Fury23
    Makes sense, I don't want her to think that I have changed dramatically. s.

    Read my last post again. You dont have to change dramatically. Do it by little and learn to start saying no once in a while. You can't play this game by yourself though and try to communicate your feelings though to her.

     
    Old 10-30-2004, 06:14 PM   #19
    Fury23
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Hi again, I have another question about the same girlfriend...Haven't yet been successful getting her to make plans. First, is it wrong for me to want her to take me out like once every few months, especially since I am a graduate student who studies minimum 10 hours every day of the week and she just works? Also, is it bad that I get upset when she wants to spend a TOTALLY unreasonable amount of money on an accessory (purse)? I donít make much money, so the only thing I spend it on is her, she works and spends her money on this stuff. Iím in a situation where I stress about not having enough to spend on all the things that she wants to do, then I go to the store with her while she buys this stuff. Itís not that I want her to spend it on me, but I guess I feel like it is kind of insulting (maybe this isnít the right feeling) that she is so irresponsible about it when she knows Iím struggling. I would be perfectly happy if she was just saving it. Any thoughts?

     
    Old 10-30-2004, 07:31 PM   #20
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Fury23
    Hi again, I have another question about the same girlfriend...Haven't yet been successful getting her to make plans. First, is it wrong for me to want her to take me out like once every few months, especially since I am a graduate student who studies minimum 10 hours every day of the week and she just works? Also, is it bad that I get upset when she wants to spend a TOTALLY unreasonable amount of money on an accessory (purse)? I donít make much money, so the only thing I spend it on is her, she works and spends her money on this stuff. Iím in a situation where I stress about not having enough to spend on all the things that she wants to do, then I go to the store with her while she buys this stuff. Itís not that I want her to spend it on me, but I guess I feel like it is kind of insulting (maybe this isnít the right feeling) that she is so irresponsible about it when she knows Iím struggling. I would be perfectly happy if she was just saving it. Any thoughts?
    surely there must be happy times right??? things like this makes me happy i'm single. anyway, like you i'm a graduate student (i.e. slave labour) which means we don't make jack!! anyway, since i'm single i can only tell you what i would do.

    i wouldn't get upset that she's spending HER money on herself. its her own money after all. at the same time, however, its not fair that she's not taking you out. that you should be upset about.

    i would talk to her about it telling her my situation in that i'm struggling and that she's probably selfish in that she doesn't feel the need to ever pay when we go out. you can't be a wuss about it and let her take control. you have to take it back.

     
    Old 10-31-2004, 07:33 AM   #21
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Sorry, but when you're dating what someone does with their own money is up to them.
    However...
    This is your opportunity to observe this about her and take it into account when or if you ever consider marriage to this particular person.
    It could be a huge issue in a marriage.
    (And don't expect her to change - decide if you would want this part of her character in your life for the rest of your life)

     
    Old 10-31-2004, 01:41 PM   #22
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    I feel you are getting mad at her because you have put a lot of time in this relationship and she has done nothing to get you back. Relationships are a joint effort. Some does have to do with " I do for you and you do for me" but in this case she has done nothing. As I told you before you should just ease up until she says something. I can't rule out she is using you for your niceness and how well you pay attention to her but she seems to be taking advantage of things. Its time to ease but a bit you things will continue to get worse on your feelings.

     
    Old 10-31-2004, 02:39 PM   #23
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Love isnt about having to make someone happy every second, after all you are a person and not a machine, If you cant tell her what you posted here and talk 1 on 1 to her I cant see this relationship worth being in.

     
    Old 11-01-2004, 12:46 PM   #24
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    I can talk to her, I just like to hear other's opinions so that I'm not going in to it being unreasonable. I have talked to her about me being stressed out and not wanting to have to please her all the time. She says that she doesn't care what I do and that everything makes her happy, but I'm still reluctant to ease up because I think she will think that I don't care about her as much. I guess when she spends money on stuff like that I worry about the things she values, but when I think about it, she doesn't spend money like that usually, so maybe she really likes this thing. I have to admit, she did buy me a CD the other day for no reason and that was really nice of her, but I told her not to spend money on me. Thanks everyone for all the continued support and help.

     
    Old 11-01-2004, 12:54 PM   #25
    eightball61
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Fury23
    I can talk to her, I just like to hear other's opinions so that I'm not going in to it being unreasonable. I have talked to her about me being stressed out and not wanting to have to please her all the time. She says that she doesn't care what I do and that everything makes her happy, but I'm still reluctant to ease up because I think she will think that I don't care about her as much. I guess when she spends money on stuff like that I worry about the things she values, but when I think about it, she doesn't spend money like that usually, so maybe she really likes this thing. I have to admit, she did buy me a CD the other day for no reason and that was really nice of her, but I told her not to spend money on me. Thanks everyone for all the continued support and help.
    Right now her money is hers until she get married. She know her bill and what she has for a limit. I know you may not be a spender but she is. As long as she is comfortable I guess its ok. Things will have to change once you both get married and share things together but up until that time she is living a little. Try it to.....you may like it

     
    Old 11-01-2004, 07:14 PM   #26
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    Right now her money is hers until she get married. She know her bill and what she has for a limit. I know you may not be a spender but she is. As long as she is comfortable I guess its ok. Things will have to change once you both get married and share things together but up until that time she is living a little. Try it to.....you may like it
    That would be great if I wasn't over $100,000.00 in debt and I had any income.

     
    Old 11-02-2004, 05:54 AM   #27
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Fury23
    That would be great if I wasn't over $100,000.00 in debt and I had any income.

    Are you both living together and or sharing expenses?

     
    Old 11-02-2004, 09:32 AM   #28
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by eightball61
    Are you both living together and or sharing expenses?
    We don't live together or share expenses because I pay for everything

     
    Old 11-02-2004, 09:40 AM   #29
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Fury23
    We don't live together or share expenses because I pay for everything


    Why do you pay for everything? Thats a reason why you are in the whole. I am starting to think some redflags here with her.

     
    Old 11-02-2004, 10:12 AM   #30
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    Cool Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Fury,

    It sounds like there is more than just making plans that is irking you.

    Indecisiveness is a trait that MANY people have. But for people who aren't indecisive, it can be tedious and annoying.

    How old are you both?

    Female perspective here. Although women demand to be treated as equals, sometimes this treatment stops in the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. Some women still expect to be catered to, paid for, and doted on because she is THE GIRL.

    There is nothing wrong with this old-fashioned approach, as long as it works for BOTH parties.

    Your girlfriend is being ambivalent. Meaning, she says she doesn't care what you both do, but if it turns out to be something that she doesn't favor, she pouts by telling her you need to take her home. So, it sounds to me like she is hesitant to tell you how she really feels about something because she probably wants to be sure that you are happy, too. Instead, she gets (quietly) angry that she can't tell you if she doesn't like something, so she just wants to call it a night.

    And you aren't being open with her, because you want to make sure that SHE is happy, so you are not speaking up about how bothersome this is becoming for you.

    You BOTH need to communicate to each other better. And you both need to start planning your nights out together. If you can't BOTH come to a decision on how to state your feelings AND decide what to do for a night out as an agreed couple, you will always have this problem.

    Also, you seem envious of the fact that she has money to spend, and a little angry that she doesn't choose to spend any on you. It's difficult to sometimes put that into perspective when two people are dating. Although it's a pleasure to spend money on your significant other, it's a priviledge, not a requirement. If you choose to spend your money on your girlfriend, or if you choose to pay every time you both go out - that is your CHOICE and you should not expect it to be reciprocated.

    In today's society, almost anything goes when it comes to the financial part of dating. Women even pay for themselves OR for their dates (example).

    If your girlfriend does not choose to spend her money on you, that is her choice. However, one would assume that your girlfriend would want to contribute or offer. Why she doesn't spend money on you could be because she simply hasn't thought of it, or she is used to you paying all the time, or that what money she does have she wants to buy herself things. It also could be the way she was raised (old fashioned - man pays). Again, if you don't bring up your concerns to her, you will always feel like this. There is nothing wrong with asking her about this.

    As for your girlfriend spending her money on extravagances (in your opinion), it's her money, and you have no say in how or what she chooses to spend, and no say in whether or not she's saving any of it. Dating does have fine lines, and that is one of them. Of course you can always suggest that she open a savings account, but if you do, it should be for HER best interest and not yours.

    You really need to have an open discussion with your girlfriend on the making plans issue. A person can't make the decision to change if they think everything is fine - meaning, unless you make your girlfriend aware of your concerns, she may not know how much they bother you.

    Last edited by Wowwwweeee; 11-02-2004 at 10:28 AM.

     
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