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  • Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

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    Old 10-10-2004, 12:41 PM   #1
    Fury23
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    Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    So Iím hoping that this is my fault and I can fix it. My girlfriend will never tell me what she wants. When I say what I want, she is happy to reject that idea, but will never tell me what she wants. I just have to keep guessing until I get it right and if I donít she makes me take her home. This applies especially when we go out. If she doesnít like my idea, she will tell me, but when I ask her what it is that she would like to do, she says she doesnít careÖWell, obviously she does, because she doesnít want to do what I want to do. She always likes to go out and do things, which is fine with me, we go to movies, dinner, sports games (which she actually likes), shows, lots of different places, but Iím always the one to plan everything and since I am working and a graduate student, sometimes I donít want to have to do everything. It seems like I have to come up with a plan every week to make her happy. She isnít interested in all of the things that I like to do, which are primarily sports related, but I am really open to what she wants to do and she doesnít really want to just hang out, we have to do something. So if we go to a show and it ends at 10, if I donít have anything else planned for her, I have to take her home. She really loves me and loves spending time with me, but that just doesnít seem to be enough for her. Please, how can I make this girl happy?

     
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    Old 10-10-2004, 12:49 PM   #2
    cloverberry
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    It's not your place to try to guess what she wants when she won't tell you. It puts too much pressure on you. If she won't tell you when you ask her quit asking and do what you want. She'll get away from not telling you after awhile. You can't worry about losing her. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life?

     
    Old 10-10-2004, 02:10 PM   #3
    Losec20mg
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    she proly wants to make love...all the time, lol...

     
    Old 10-10-2004, 03:31 PM   #4
    SaraLee
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    It must be frustrating to always be the one to make the plans and then change them if she doesn't like what you suggest. This really puts you on the spot to keep coming up with entertaining things she will want to do, so take a break and stop making all the plans. How about when it's time to come up with entertainment next time, tell her you have no ideas and just wait for her to come up with something and wait as long as it takes. If she doesn't come up with something, make plans for yourself without her. If she really wants to spend time with you, she'll come up with something. And after she does come up with something, then let her know you will take turns picking stuff to do. Maybe this idea works for you and maybe not, but it sure is better than being frustrated with the guessing game you've been playing and yes, you are just as much responsible for setting up this imbalanced system as she is. Hope it goes better in the future. Best wishes,
    SaraLee

     
    Old 10-10-2004, 06:35 PM   #5
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    You might never be able to make her happy. Of course, this is a worst case scenario. Read up on some old posts dealing with "high maintenence" significant others. It's either a character trait of hers, or a phase in your relationship. You can bring it up and see if that helps, and give it some time--if it doesnt resolve, then its possible that this is the way she is. If she is very young, she may outgrow this as well. We all seem to do this at one time or another (guilty)

     
    Old 10-10-2004, 06:38 PM   #6
    reality is here
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Are u her entertainment director or her boyfriend?

     
    Old 10-10-2004, 09:20 PM   #7
    Fury23
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SaraLee
    It must be frustrating to always be the one to make the plans and then change them if she doesn't like what you suggest. This really puts you on the spot to keep coming up with entertaining things she will want to do, so take a break and stop making all the plans. How about when it's time to come up with entertainment next time, tell her you have no ideas and just wait for her to come up with something and wait as long as it takes. If she doesn't come up with something, make plans for yourself without her. If she really wants to spend time with you, she'll come up with something. Hope it goes better in the future. Best wishes,
    SaraLee
    I was thinking that next time this happens I'm going to tell her that I'm going to go play basketball or something and then tell her that she can come if she wants to. Would this be ok to do? The thing is that I am the type of person who always wants to make her happy, so I think I will have a hard time with this.

     
    Old 10-10-2004, 09:33 PM   #8
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Hi Fury,

    You sound like a real sweetheart and your GF is lucky to have you. The bball idea might sound like you're just trying to blow her off, unless she likes to come play too. But if she'd just be coming to watch you shoot around with some other guys, that might not be the best idea. I agree with a lot of what SaraLee said. You shouldn't have to do all the work and planning, and spending money in this relationship. If she's going to shoot your ideas down, then ask her what she wants to do and don't take "I don't know" for an answer. What she's doing really isn't fair and if she can't grow up a bit, then she really doesn't deserve a nice caring guy like you.

    The other thing you could do is talk to her and tell her exactly what you said in your first post. Try not to put her on the defensive, just say, look I'm having a hard time figuring out how to please you. I want to spend time with you and make you happy, but it would really help if you'd contribute some ideas so I'm not stuck trying to read your mind. I also like the idea of taking turns planning dates, so she'll be forced to come up with some date ideas that she enjoys, while still being able to veto your ideas that really don't appeal to her. Or try to do some more low key and cheap stuff, like making dinner together, renting a movie, having a picnic, playing tennis or golf, going for a walk or hike, swimming, ice skating, arcade--it's not fair for her to expect you to make a big expensive event out of every date being busy with grad school and probably on a budget. Happy couples just enjoy their time together, and even the little things, the free things, can be just as fun and romantic as a fancy night out. But if you're unhappy, you really should talk to her about it, or else things will probably keep getting worse and you'll both grow more and more frustrated. Good luck working this out...and if she proves too high maintenance (or maybe just indecisive, boring, or uncreative--it's hard to tell from what you said), I just know there are tons of women out there who would love to date a guy like you!

    Best wishes,
    Stacy

     
    Old 10-10-2004, 10:31 PM   #9
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    I dont know, maybe i am stubborn b**** but I dont like it when people think i am a mind reader. just stop making plans, tell her your not a mnd reader, and if she says take me home, take her home, do that a few times and she will ge tthe point and start telling you whats on her mind. its not fair5 to keep you guessing.

     
    Old 10-11-2004, 04:35 AM   #10
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Yeah - She's sounds like high maintence to me. I would stop making plans with her. Let her carry some of the plan making responsibility, and if she doesn't, take her home. She'll get the message eventually.

     
    Old 10-11-2004, 06:35 AM   #11
    eightball61
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    You are putting enough energy to this. Relationships as I said before take team work. Maybe playing her game may make her realize that she needs to put forth but if could cause other problems too. I suggest keep doing what you are doing. Ease up a bit but not much. If you find no change then you decision wil come then.

     
    Old 10-12-2004, 05:48 AM   #12
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Here's a practical suggestion:
    If you're going to dinner for example, give her three choices. (Do you want to go to Applebee's, Lone Star or Bob Evans?)
    Same thing with an activity or choice of a movie.
    If she can't choose from one of those three do something by yourself or with friends and give her another choice next weekend.

    Some people know what they DON'T want but are not exactly decisive in making decisions or coming up with ideas all on their own!!

     
    Old 10-12-2004, 06:16 AM   #13
    eightball61
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ruth6:11

    Some people know what they DON'T want but are not exactly decisive in making decisions or coming up with ideas all on their own!!

    I think many people run into this. When I run into this then I just say "ok we are going here". Go where you want to go if she can''t make a decision. You are the nice one to offer it in her chioce but she rather leave it up to you. If its a dinner decision then maybe pick something that has a little of everything.

    You shouldn't sit there and fight on what to do or where to go. If she can't make a decision then you make it yourself. If she complains then that is just selfish.

     
    Old 10-12-2004, 09:57 AM   #14
    Fury23
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    I'll do my best to try this, but maybe I will have to get over my tendency to do whatever to make her happy. If she wants something, I always do whatever is in my power to make it happen. Thanks to everyone for all the help.

     
    Old 10-12-2004, 10:06 AM   #15
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    Re: Can you please help with difficult girlfriend?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Fury23
    I'll do my best to try this, but maybe I will have to get over my tendency to do whatever to make her happy. If she wants something, I always do whatever is in my power to make it happen. Thanks to everyone for all the help.
    You sound like a great guy and your girlfriend is lucky to have you. Please be careful as far as being such a people pleaser. Its almost like human nature for someone to take advantage of someone who will do anything for them. I see it in life and in these threads ALL the time.

    Theres nothing wrong with wanting to make her happy. Generally when we love someone we want nothing less then to bring them happiness. The key is I hope shes doing the same for you? Sounds like you maybe the giver and she is the taker. That position in a relationship will wear you out. So make sure that if you are bending over backwards to please her, is she doing the same for you?

     
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