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  • boyfriend issues, am i being selfish?

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    Old 10-13-2004, 07:16 PM   #1
    liquidstar
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    Unhappy boyfriend issues, am i being selfish?

    Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for about six months. We started dating at the very end of our freshmen year of college so we had the whole summer to get close. Most of his college friends lived too far away so it was just us two for four months. When school started back up, his friends came back and school took up alot of his time. So I went from seeing him almost everyday to maybe three days a week, if I'm lucky. One thing that bothers me is that his best friend is a girl, I dont know if I'm just being stupid but I feel like I'm competing for him with her. I know he would never cheat on me so I'm not worried about that. Its just the fact that she gets his time too. I don't have many friends this year because I work alot so I don't go anywhere unless its with my boyfriend. It ends up that I'll be sitting at home wanting to hang out with my boyfriend but he's hanging out with her and her roommates and that really hurts my feelings. Once last week we were hanging out at my place and he left me to go get drunk with her and her roommates. This of course really made me mad so we almost took a week off but decided not to.

    This may sound childish but yesterday, I wanted to see my bf but I thought he would be doing homework all night so I didn't ask, then I find out he went to go hang out with her. So I was upset and then I asked him to come over, then she got mad because he left her for me, yet he did the same thing to me a week before. Her and I talked online for a bit, I was just saying how I didn't want to come between their friendship and stuff and we were getting along then all of a sudden she got this attitude which really made me mad. So basically my bf and I are trying to figure out if we should break up. Things are really bad right now and its just getting frusrating, I don't know what will make me happy. I want to spend more time with him because he means everything to me, but then I don't want his friends to hate me. He just doesn't understand how I get hurt by the things he does. Am I being selfish by wanting to see him more than two or three days a week?

    I'm sorry this is so long but I don't have anyone to vent to so thank you for reading this, I really appreciate it.

     
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    Old 10-13-2004, 09:49 PM   #2
    llw03c
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    Re: boyfriend issues, am i being selfish?

    i'm no expert in the relationship area by no means but all i can say there's no way i'd tolerate having to compete with some other guy for my girl's time. i'd expect her to spend most of her time with school/work, then her hobbies/sports/FEMALE friends, then me...they can do their "girls night out" or whatever, i don't care. all i'd ask for is the weekends actually. her hanging out with guy friends is unacceptable if we're together 'cause they'd probably try something...unless they're a part of her study group or teammate or something like that. i mean, i wouldn't expect to be hanging out with some female friend if i had a girl already. i think you have every right to be upset and you should let him know about it.

     
    Old 10-13-2004, 10:04 PM   #3
    liquidstar
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    Re: boyfriend issues, am i being selfish?

    Thanks for replying...

    We talked alot tonight and worked things out, he said that he's going to try and see things my way so I won't get hurt. As for the female friend thing, I understand yet it still bothers me. He does just get along better with girls because the guy friends in his life I guess aren't really friends, and we were really good friends for a while before we started dating. He talked to his sister about my point of view and she explained how things that seem fine to him can look bad from a girls perspective. I've even tried to put him in my shoes and ask him what he would do if I decided to start hanging out with another guy all the time. He said that it wouldn't bother him, well of course if it was all the time it would, but he totally trusts me and he wouldn't get mad. Well I still don't understand that because if I was a guy and my gf was hanging out with another guy all the time, I would be jealous, even if all trust was there. But besides all that, he's unlike so many other guys that I'm so glad that I have him, and he is making an effort to think about what I would think before he does anything.

     
    Old 10-13-2004, 11:55 PM   #4
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    Re: boyfriend issues, am i being selfish?

    The part that he needs to improve on is, when he makes a commitment to either you or his "friends", stick with it. Leaving you or her to be with the other is just plain rude. You have a different view on being friends with the opposite sex than he does. You have to accept that. Tell him your boundaries that you will accept for this relationship. A good way to tell if your compatible with each other is to try having a relationship with many options and people vying for both your time. There"s an imbalance in that part of your relationship. Maybe you can try to increase your "options" too.

     
    Old 10-13-2004, 11:58 PM   #5
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    Re: boyfriend issues, am i being selfish?

    Hi Liquidstar,

    Don't ever feel bad about coming here to vent, sweetie! That's what we're here for. . Anyway, I see your situation one of two ways, which is mostly based on my college experience with my best guy friend. We went to a very good school, but we were by far the two most attractive people around and so everyone assumed we were a couple when we were just best friends. One thing to consider is if your BF's BF really hot? I think just the fact that my guy BF was always walking around with me, always in my classes, made him not want to be seen publicly with another, less attractive girl. I might be wrong about this, I might be wrong about everything I say, but I do think you'd be making a mistake if you ignore this girl. The fact that you posted about her shows me that you see her as some sort of threat to your relationship, and you may be right. It all depends on how she feels about him and how she sees your relationship. If she likes him, which CAN sometimes happen but not always, and he likes her, you're in big trouble, sorry to say. Most of the time though, in this situation, they'll put their friendship before any romantic/sexual feelings. Again, this is going to be hard for me to answer because I've always been one of the girls who hangs out with all the guys, even though I've almost always had a boyfriend. But I love guy friends: they can be friends, supporters, carry you home when you're drunk, and sometimes be exceptional lovers.

    With your BF, I do think you have reason to be concerned. Not so much that he would cheat with his friend (here I'm thinking of him as my super hot college best friend=BF and me as his BF), but that you might not be as important a priority to him as he is to you. If you want to be with him, you have to trst him and treat this female GF like a guy friend of his. So many girls wanted my guy BF as a boyfriend, but hated me, because I was prettier, closer to him, and more important to him. He just didn't care about any of those girls and went through college without a serious GF (yes, we did hook up from time to time, as we understood each other and knew it wasn't a big deal). But even if we hadn't people saw us everywhere together and assumed we were a couple. Can you handle this if people think it about your BF and his girl friend? Honestly, if she got attitude with you I'd take it as a bad sign that she has some feelings for this guy and may succeed in keeping you two apart. With my best friend, if I saw him drunkenly hitting on a girl I didn't approve of (which he would ask me to look out for), I'd go up and hang on him, she'd get intimidated, and we'd go to bed together. My point is, the line between friend and boyfriend can get blurry, especially if they are both very attractive. To me now, it seems like she isn't on your side and one of yo will eventually have to present an ultimatum (you or her, either as a GF or as a friend like before). My guy BF never got in this position, but if a hopeful prospective GF would have said him or me, I bet he would have said me.

    Anyway, no I don't think you're selfish by wanting to see him more often. When I'm with a BF, I want to be his first and main priority always. If he won't give you that, he's not totally committed to the relationship and I bet I know why...if you want a chance, I would try to befriend the girl and get her on your side. I've had tons of boy friends and they always rely on me to make decisions about which girls to keep or not, like I somehow know. If you're nice to her, not jealous and possessive (which no guy or girl likes), maybe she'll be on your side and talk some sense into him in terms of being a better BF. But if you alienate her...watch out, they'll be sleeping together soon if he finds her attractive. That attitude was not good, but there still might be time to salvage things. Good luck!

    Best wishes,
    Stacy

     
    Old 10-14-2004, 06:01 AM   #6
    eightball61
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    Re: boyfriend issues, am i being selfish?

    You boyfriend is at the time of his life where he wants to have everything. He is thinking mostly about himelf than others. Its ok to have distance and hang with friends but to break promise or what ever is not excusable. You need to talk to him a little more about this.

    I know you dont get the time you once had but you still have time. He has to manage his time. He can still go over your house then maybe go out after. My question is why dont you go out with him?

    You are not going overboard yet but you need to stick up for yourself and talk more about your concerns. Let him know you are not pulling him away from friends but you ike to be his GF and not just another friend of his he sees only twice a week.

     
    Old 10-14-2004, 07:26 AM   #7
    liquidstar
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    Re: boyfriend issues, am i being selfish?

    Thanks for you replies,
    One thing he said that this girl is one of his best friends is because she's like one of the guys, she's not girly and he honestly just sees her as one of the guys, I know he's not attracted to her at all.

    Our view of being friends with the opposite sex isn't too different, I get along better with guys which is why we were such good friends when we met, we were friends for about 6 months. But yet it still bothers me, but one of the reasons it does is because I have no friends this year, my roommates that I live with and I are not close at all anymore and I just lost contact with the ones from last year. If I was haning out with people too it wouldn't make me feel that bad.

    I would still like to be friends with her, but I don't want to until she apologizes for being rude to me. My bf said that she was really having a bad day and that it was all built up and she just couldn't hold her anger in or anything, but I was also having a bad day and I woudn't not have been rude to her. I'm just waiting on a sorry or something. I've had so many friends that were just plain mean to me and I don't take that kind of thing anymore so I don't think a sorry is too much to ask, right? But when she does I'm all for being friends, that way I can still see my bf when he's hanging out with her. Because she does invite me to hang out all the time I just haven't yet.

    Well one reason I haven't gong out with him is I have social anxiety, so I feel terribly uncomfortable hanging out in big groups or going to other peoples houses that I don't know. I know its something I need to work on and I'm trying. One thing that was nice is that she said that we can have all the time we need to get our relationship back on track and that wouldn't bother her.

    I really thank you guys for replying, I'm letting my bf read these so he can get other peoples views that are similar to mine, I think it's doing some good. I feel so much better being able to talk about this with people finally, so thanks, all of you are great

    Last edited by liquidstar; 10-14-2004 at 07:32 AM.

     
    Old 10-14-2004, 07:55 AM   #8
    eightball61
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    Re: boyfriend issues, am i being selfish?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by liquidstar

    Well one reason I haven't gong out with him is I have social anxiety, so I feel terribly uncomfortable hanging out in big groups or going to other peoples houses that I don't know. I know its something I need to work on and I'm trying. One thing that was nice is that she said that we can have all the time we need to get our relationship back on track and that wouldn't bother her.

    See and he is the opposite. You have to learn to trust his actions. I know you want to see him more but he is the going out type. Like I said before though you both will have to work together to make this work and he has to compromise just a little.

     
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