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    Old 10-18-2004, 10:55 AM   #1
    cricketchicket
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    Question Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    Hello,

    NOTE: I'm a bit wordy, so this might take awhile, but it's a good read! Also, I'm feeling a little strange writing this all out and my concerns aren't too great, but I thought a little input would be nice.

    First of all, I am living w/ my bf. We have been together for 2 years, living together for one. Moving in together has been wonderful...we've never really fought too much in our relationship, but the disagreements seem less since we've been living together and we both really help each other out around the place, and support each other in other areas of our life... I love him dearly! He's a true sweetie. All in all, things are great. Our families get along *really* well and have each other over during various holiday periods. We have separate careers, and some separate interests which we take part in, and also spend time apart with our friends and other interests, however on top of this we spend a lot of time together (alone and with friends) and are very affectionate towards one another. It's a pretty good balance, I think.

    We've talked about marriage before, and that was one of the reasons I moved in with him as he also agreed that it was a progression of our relationship. I know not everyone agrees with living together w/ a significant other, but for us it is normal and I wouldn't ever marry someone that I haven't lived with. Period. We both acknowledged that marriage was going to happen, but in time. We are both still young (late 20's) and are still establishing ourselves in our careers, trying to "move up the ladder" and become a bit more financially comfortable. We aren't rich, and right now due to the fact that I have recently resigned from a previous teaching job and now substitute teaching elsewhere, trying to get known within the schools, I am not getting work very frequently at this time in the school year (middle of October). I hope to get work more frequently as the school year goes on, but right now it is a bit tough financially for me, and I am trying to work towards some future goals (i.e. buying a house and a wedding at some point). I also work at a second job during the evenings to supplement the income. However, I really enjoy what I do, so I'm not at all unhappy about where I am right now, although hoping to teach full-time again within the next few years...

    We (my bf and I) have both had really interesting lives up to this point, and have been many places. I, myself, have lived in a bunch of different places throughout my life, worked abroad, and have travelled quite a bit, too. My bf has had the same experiences. We love to travel and have been around Europe together, but that was awhile back. Last year, we vacationed together in another country, although it was a bit difficult with the fact that although I was also working full time, i wasn't making too much money. It was a bit of a financial strain, but he paid for a lot of it and REALLY wanted to go. The trip was a gift from him to me.

    Now, this year, he would like to plan another trip. However, I do have a problem with it all. First of all, neither of us makes big bucks at this point in our lives...I don't know ANYONE around me, esp. people who are making oodles more money than us, that are able to travel once a year. It's a great idea, but realisitically...who can afford to do that? My bf thinks that with a $1000 bonus in December, it will be enough to fly 2 of us out and stay for a week-2 weeks in some warm country. No way! It would cost WAY more than that. First of all, I am just making enough money right now to pay the rent, bills, groceries, etc... so there is no way I can plan to save for a trip, even if it IS a few months away. I can't plan from one day to the next if I will be working, and saving money is a HIGH priority for me right now since I am paying off the last bit of my student debt. However, my bf is DEADSET on vacationing somewhere again this year...trying to find somewhere really cheap, but hot...that we can go to. I really admire the fact that he's totally into this, and has great intentions, but it stresses me out greatly as:
    (a) I don't have any saved money and have a very unstable income right now
    (b) I would like to start saving some money...we haven't done that too much since we've moved in together.

    I brought up the prospect of postponing the trip for a year, in order to save money. My bf then replied that there was no way...that he wanted to travel this year. I understand that he works really hard through the year and doesn't get time off during the summer (as teachers do...but we DO earn it! I work, like 70 hour weeks when I'm teaching full-time and have no weekends). I told him about my money situation (which he obviously knows about - we live together!), and said then said that I wasn't comfortable taking off a week or two in February (when he would like to take time off of of his work to vacation) when I might actually be getting steady work. He seemed a bit put off by that, but hey...i have a point. If I'm not working much now, I sure as hell am not going to turn down 2 weeks of work in a month that I will, very possibly, getting some good, steady work AND exposure to different schools/people. I then said that March Break would be another option (but more expensive, as travel is always expensive during school holidays). He didn't like that idea too much, so then I mentioned the idea of not going anywhere for a year and saving money. My boyfriend then replied "I don't want to save money. I'm young and I want to travel."

    Huh??

    Where did this come from? A month ago he was talking about buying a house in a year or two, when we are both (hopefully) going to be working in higher paying jobs, but he doesn't want to save money right now? How is he planning on buying a house if he doesnt' have any money saved. It's not like the money is going to appear all of a sudden!

    What it comes down to, and why I'm so upset, is that it's got me to thinking about long term plans. Why ~isn't~ he thinking about saving money? I am beginning to think that that little bio. clock is starting to tick ~ever~ so slightly and I am starting to think really seriously about getting married, buying a place...having kids in a ~very~ distant future. I would, in a couple of years, like to get married. My boyfriend is all of a sudden adamant that he doesn't want to save a penny at this point in his life. He hasn't really brought up anything about getting married since we moved in together last year, although he did mention wanting to buy a house togehter when we are both more established in our careers. About 2 months ago, I brought up again wanting to get married in time, and he agreed, but said "Let's get more established first." Well, how are we going to get established if we don't save any money?! On another note, his side of the family (extended included) is very liberal, as am I, however many of his relatives end up living together for YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS and HAVING KIDS and then still living together for YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS before getting married (they all stay together, but it just takes them a long friggin’ time to get married). I think he sees this as the norm, whereas my family…most of my rellies have lived together for a few years before getting married, but end up doing it in a much shorter amount of time. He knows that I do not want to live together for a long period of time before getting married, so he does know this. Also a family member close to him married a few years ago, and his partner cheated on him and they divorced, so I think that has jaded his views of marriage, although he says that it hasn’t. He is so affectionate and caring, and always calls me throughout the day when he is working, as do I (he just called here now, actually, to see how my day was going) and I don’t see things in our relationship that are out of whack, however this one issue has been chewing at me for a few days. It almost seems like he is saying these things, but not really following through on them.

    Am I making a big deal out of all of this? We have a wonderful thing going between us, so I would like someone to shed some light on this.

    Thanks for listening!

    Last edited by cricketchicket; 10-18-2004 at 11:10 AM.

     
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    Old 10-18-2004, 11:11 AM   #2
    susieq0726
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    Well I never thought I would turn into or say anything like my dad, but here goes:
    Nobody and I mean nobody understands the importance of buying life insurance or saving money when they are young. Everyone in their 20's believes they will never die, and won't need money later in life.
    Big false sense of security.
    I am only 42, but believed these same things when I was younger. I wish I had listened to my father.
    I am not talking about saving your entire paycheck in a savings account, or buying mass quantities of life insurance or investments, but you need to start some where. Just a little bit every paycheck. Do not live beyond your means, and don't rob Peter to pay Paul. And for heavens sake DON'T GO INTO DEBT!
    With that said, yes - it sounds that you are starting to look into the future instead of just into tomorrow. It sounds like your boyfriend isn't there yet. It's fun to have champagne taste, but hard to pay for it when your on a beer budget. I say everything in moderation - Have a good time and do things you like to do, but be smart and remember, tomorrow and the next day cost money!

     
    Old 10-18-2004, 11:12 AM   #3
    eightball61
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cricketchicket
    Where did this come from? A month ago he was talking about buying a house in a year or two, when we are both (hopefully) going to be working in higher paying jobs, but he doesn't want to save money right now?

    You both need to work together. I know he has his dreams but what about yours. Its easier said than done but you both need to communicate and come up with a future game plan together and stick by it.

    Iknwo he wants to go on a trip and you both can do that but you dont have to go all out for it. You both can travel to a destination that is close by like a few hours away. I am sure if you want to go spend time alone together then its not going to matter as long as you both are together.

    If that happens then he still get his trip. With the money you save going that route then you can put to your saving. What I have done here is show a little wxample of compromising and you both need to start doing that a little.

     
    Old 10-18-2004, 11:13 AM   #4
    cricketchicket
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    Excellent advice, but how do I get my bf to see this? He is actually very knowledgable about money (he works in a bank!) and investments, etc, etc... but for some reason seems to be throwing all caution to the wind. What should I say to the bf (if anything)?

     
    Old 10-18-2004, 11:17 AM   #5
    cricketchicket
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    Yeah...I've mentioned travelling around closer to home to save money but he is not interested in that (I actually brought that idea up LAST year, when he wanted to travel somewhere hot and far away, but we did not quite see eye to eye). In the end, he was paying for almost all of the trip, so I couldn't really complain and of course I was excited about the trip and we had a great time...but I thought that would be it for awhile. Now it's like he wants to visit a different country every year, but on a peanut-sized income (for both of us). How do I get him to see my point of view?

     
    Old 10-18-2004, 11:20 AM   #6
    hillaryb
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    It was a long post and I skimmed it, but my general impression is that you two just have different long-term goals at the moment. That may change with time, but if he is thinking vacation instead of marriage and kids, then that is simply where he is at mentally in the relationship right now and there really isnt much you can do to change this. His time-frame in which he sees these things happening is obviously different from yours. Do I see this as a huge, relationship-ending dilemma? No, not really. But I dont think the issue has anything at all to do with when the vacation occurs. It has to do with the fact that you are realizing from what he has said that he wont be ready for marriage and children quite as soon as you are. I cannot stress enough that you should not make too big of an issue here. First off, dont ever pressure him into marriage and children. He may end up resenting you, or running before any of that can happen. As for saving your money, its your call as to whether or not you join him on vacation. But I wouldnt try to force him not to go. You guys are at different places with your priorities. You have to ask yourself whether or not you can deal with that. I dont really see either of you as being in the wrong here, it is just a question of what you both want in the long-run, and when you want it. You havent become engaged, and have touched on the issue or marriage (I emphasize the word touched) so though the two of you live together, you still lead pretty separate lives, as far as financially and of course, with no legal backing. No, Im not lecturing you for shacking up before marriage lol . I guess this is simply one way in which the situation can be a bit "sticky".

     
    Old 10-18-2004, 11:25 AM   #7
    eightball61
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cricketchicket
    How do I get him to see my point of view?

    Thats a hard one....You need to come up with examples, write him something, show him you know what you are talking about. I dont know anthing about you both. So you will have to find ways like you have in the past to talk to himm. Its going to be hard either way...some people only see things thier way only and those people are very hard to deal with.

     
    Old 10-18-2004, 11:28 AM   #8
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    If he is hell-bent to go somewhere hot, can you compromise and look around for the best deals? Personally, my husband and I are going to Jamaica next March and it's only costing us $1,600 per person - 1 week, all-inclusive and it includes airfare. We starting saving for it in June, and will have it all paid for in January - paid cash. Nothing on a credit card.
    Getting a man (no offense guys,,,) to save money is like trying to get them to throw their dirty underwear in the hamper,,,it just doesn't happen. (Well most guys, I am sure there are a few out there) But my husband admits that if it weren't for me, we wouldn't have any money saved.
    I can understand not wanting to wait until you are established to start traveling, (because you might be too old then!) but it sounds to me like there are other things you want to start looking forward to. A house, marriage, adult things.
    If I were you, open your own savings account and start slow. Even if it's a just a few dollars a month it's a start. That's how we started - a little at a time and I slowly increased the deposit amount over the years. Now there's a nice little chunk o' change in there and we have no debt.

     
    Old 10-18-2004, 11:31 AM   #9
    cricketchicket
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    I totally see your point of view...yes, this could potentially be a sticky situation. In the end, I know that we will talk about it and come to a compromise (this little discusssion we had actually just took place last night, although I had been thinking of the situation for a little while longer...only bringing it up last night). However, I am realizing that we, quite possibly, have a different time-line going on. I don't necessarily think that we have different goals, but the goals are on different priority lists for each of us.

    *sigh*

    Well, when we were talking about it last night, I told him that in the end, it was his money and he could do what he liked with it, but not to expect me to drop everything in Feb. to run off and vacation with him. Ok, I didn't say it exactly like that, I was a bit more tactful about it, but anyway... I didn't say what he should do one way or the other.

    In the end, I just worry that he isn't looking at marriage for a LOOOONNNGGGG time, whereas I would like it a bit sooner (not tomorrow, but in a couple of years). I think that he should be honest with me about his intentions when I bring up long terms plans, as I have in the past. I'm not hanging around for 10+ years for someone to decide that they're ready, when in the past they've told me they are.

     
    Old 10-18-2004, 11:36 AM   #10
    cricketchicket
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    susieq- yes, he seems hellbent on the whole vacation deal this year...but the problem isn't that he wants a trip out of this all, it's that WE CAN'T AFFORD IT! He seems to think ath $1000 is going to get us 2 weeks in the hot sun. I think I"m being realistic about this all, and he is all like "Why are you ruining my fun?" I'm not trying to ruin this for him, but hell, we don't have the money for it! And I'm not saying that i dislike travelling...i've travelled alone and with people all of my life! I was the one that actually got him interested in travelling, when we went to Europe together. I actually have a very itchy travel bug right now, but I know that i can't afford a trip anywhere and I would like to save for other things in between...so that's that for me.

    It's just very frustrating!

     
    Old 10-18-2004, 11:37 AM   #11
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    Dont get too upset. Compromise and communication are the two things that you need to remember. You may have different ideas about where you are at in life right now, but Im in my late 20's too (married) and have come to realize that this is a time in my life where things are constantly changing. Just because he sees things one way right now, it doesnt mean he will see things the same way long-term. Same goes for you. Just ride this wave for a while and see where it takes the two of you. Either way, it will work out. Just dont forget to communicate (and I have learned that complaining, fighting, whining, and nagging dont count lol)

     
    Old 10-18-2004, 11:40 AM   #12
    cricketchicket
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    Thanks for that! Yeah, I know it is just a minor dent right now... but it has got me thinking about things a bit more. It really has nothing to do with a vacation, and more to do with where we are in life right now. I just want him to see where I am coming from. Well, I've also def. learned that compromise and communication are key when living with a partner! Hopefully this wave will ride out smootly. Thanks.

     
    Old 10-18-2004, 11:55 AM   #13
    eightball61
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cricketchicket
    Well, I've also def. learned that compromise and communication are key when living with a partner!


    You learned but he hasn't yet. What is it going to take for him to believe what reality is???? This is a very stick situation because you dont want to be forceful to him or you may lose him but yet he doesn't want to be forceful to you either.

    You both have to give a little to each other. He gives to you and you give to him. That is the process of learning how to compromise. You both have to work together and he has to be accepting. You dont have to start right off with the big stuff but you can try the little stuff like sharing stuff.

     
    Old 10-18-2004, 12:04 PM   #14
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by cricketchicket
    susieq- yes, he seems hellbent on the whole vacation deal this year...but the problem isn't that he wants a trip out of this all, it's that WE CAN'T AFFORD IT! He seems to think ath $1000 is going to get us 2 weeks in the hot sun. I think I"m being realistic about this all, and he is all like "Why are you ruining my fun?" I'm not trying to ruin this for him, but hell, we don't have the money for it! And I'm not saying that i dislike travelling...i've travelled alone and with people all of my life! I was the one that actually got him interested in travelling, when we went to Europe together. I actually have a very itchy travel bug right now, but I know that i can't afford a trip anywhere and I would like to save for other things in between...so that's that for me.

    It's just very frustrating!

    Well tell him to try and find a place to go for only $1,000. Maybe he can buy a week at a tanning salon!
    Plain and simple: If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Wait until you can.

     
    Old 10-18-2004, 12:05 PM   #15
    eightball61
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    Re: Question about long term relationship & marriage...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726
    Plain and simple: If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Wait until you can.

    I could agree anymore here The problem is trying to get that through his thick head.

    Last edited by eightball61; 10-18-2004 at 12:06 PM.

     
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