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    Old 10-28-2004, 08:36 AM   #1
    Ashley018
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    why does it bother me so much?

    I recently started a relationship with a guy, and this is probably gonna sound really dumb but I can't help but think about his past. I really know I shouldn't since the past is the past and I'm being ridiculous, but when we were talking the other night and he was telling me about things he has done before, like one night stands and stuff and I can't help but get incredibly jealous. Normally I wouldn't really care and that's why I don't understnd why I feel this way, but for some reason it's been on my mind. He said the other girls meant nothing to him and that I do mean something, but I can't help but worry if he feels the same way about me as those other girls too. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. I don't want to ruin a relationship over something that shouldn't even matter. Thanks a lot

     
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    Old 10-28-2004, 08:40 AM   #2
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    Re: why does it bother me so much?

    You have to let the past be. I know its easier said than done.

    Think about this...he had one night stands, hes in a relationship with you. Sex is always better when its not just physical, but also emotional and spiritual too. Obviously he wants to be with you and didn't want to be with those girls, at least not in a relationship. We all have a past and as we get older our baggage increases. So concentrate on what you two have now..the present. You can't control the past or the future, but you can control your actions now. Like you said, you don't want to ruin the relationship. How awful would it be for you to loose out on something great because of something you have no control over?

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 08:50 AM   #3
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    Re: why does it bother me so much?

    Hi Ashley!
    It sounds like you are a lot like me. I get myself worked up over things that normally shouldn't bother me, and it's lead me to a serious anxiety/paranoia problem. Mine is a little different. I don't worry so much about the girls my bf dated in the past, I obsess over whether or not I can trust him. Long story.
    Anyway, elatedgiraffe is absolutely right- the past is the past. You have a past too, right?
    Is this something that bothers you only when he talks about it? Or does it bother you all the time... Reason I ask is because when he starts talking about old one night stands, you could kindly say "we really don't need to bring up the past... it's much nicer to talk about the present!". Sounds completely normal and he will take the hint that you don't want to hear about his "encounters".
    Also, remind yourself that he is NOT WITH those girls anymore for a reason! Do we not have free will? He can be with them if he wants. He can be with lots of different people if he wants! But he's with YOU. And that's all that matters.
    Thinking of these things always makes me feel better when I start getting insecure. If you find that your thinking is becoming obsessive and irrational, I would recommend talking to a counselor. YOu don't want it to get worse because that's when it really interferes with the relationship.
    Hope this helps some!

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 08:53 AM   #4
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    Cool Re: why does it bother me so much?

    Hi Ashley,

    Everyone has a past. And not everyone chooses to share experiences from theirs, so it's nice that you are dating a man who chooses to be open and honest with you.

    Your feelings of jealousy about some of his past exploits are not dumb, but choosing to dwell on that, instead of other, more positive things, may cause needless conflict. Thinking about his past is non-productive, and doesn't benefit you in any way. You can't do anything about it, regardless, so thinking about it or reacting to it will not make a difference about it.

    Have fun looking forward in your new relationship, and enjoy the fact that you are dating someone who thinks highly of you AND your relationship by sharing himself this way.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 08:57 AM   #5
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    Re: why does it bother me so much?

    Yeah you need to not worry about the past. If he continues to talk about the past then you need to tell him that you dont care to hear about his past woman. And if he does care about you the way he says he will respect that and not bring it up,he should know anyways not to without you telling him if you let it show already that it bothers you. I dont know why but sometimes us guys will bring up our past sex lives, I did myself and my girlfriend got kinda the same way you did. Now that we have been togather awhile and will someday be married she basicly calls me a pig LOL if the subject comes up about my clubbin days when I used to be on the prowl and have had a few onenighters before I met her.Most guys are just the opposite we want to hear about our partners past sexual encounters and not get mad about it unless that person is still around...well then we can get a little jeolous. She has told me some but I dont think she has told me everything as I said the past is the past and if you guys have something then you should put the past behind and focus on yourselves.

    Last edited by wildcat66; 10-28-2004 at 08:59 AM.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 09:02 AM   #6
    Ashley018
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    Re: why does it bother me so much?

    I definitely agree with all of you! I actually just found this out last night and couldn't stop thinking about it and am today, that' why I posted. It was totally my fault. I asked him. Even though I knew I would probably get jealous I still wanted to know...you know what I mean? it's like one of those situations where you want to know but the again don't because the answer may hurt you, but it will drive you crazy not knowing. He isa really great guy and I know he could have just as easily told me a lie and I never would have known, so I am very thankful to be with someone like him. I think I'm just so jealous because I really, really like this guy because like I said, normally I get over it and don't care. He knew that his past bugged me but I didn't want him to know that I was still dwelling on it this morning so I gave him a kiss goodbye and that was that. I don't want him to know that I'm that jealous over it because I think we have something really good going and I would hate to ruin it over something I can't control.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 09:05 AM   #7
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    Cool Re: why does it bother me so much?

    Just something to think about: Jealousy can't make you hold onto a person ANY MORE than if you weren't jealous. It serves no purpose, so try to think (reason) past it when you can.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 09:06 AM   #8
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    Re: why does it bother me so much?

    You're thinking very intelligently, Ashley! And it sounds like you're doing the right thing. Chances are this jealousy will fade away in time as your trust in him builds. That's the beauty of a relationship- watching all that happen! Just like you, my boyfriend is very honest with me when he doesn't always have to be. I have no reason in the world not to trust him, other than my own paranoia problem which I am seeing a counselor for. You seem like you know what you need to do- don't show him that you're dwelling on it. It will definitely send the message that you don't trust him, and someone who is trustworthy would be very turned off by that message.
    It will fade with time... don't worry!

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 09:25 AM   #9
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    Re: why does it bother me so much?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ashley018
    I don't want to ruin a relationship over something that shouldn't even matter.

    You are right and it shouldn't matter any. I am sure you may have some things in your past that may bother him. The way that I look at this is a good sign. Many are probably asking why but this guy wouldn't be talking to you about one night stands or bad things if he was with you for one thing.

    This guy is being very open and maybe to open for you. If you feel you dont need to know about his past anymore or just stuff like this then be open to him and tell him you rather hear about the happy stuff like family, memories, ect. There are many things to talk about when dealing with the past.

    The past is the past though so this is the present and things should be focused on that and going into the future.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 09:32 AM   #10
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    Re: why does it bother me so much?

    Jealousy IS the green eyed monster, and can make you do and say stupid things you normally wouldn't do. Not only that, it's very unflattering. Especially if there is no reason to be jealous in the first place.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 09:37 AM   #11
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    Re: why does it bother me so much?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by susieq0726
    Jealousy IS the green eyed monster, and can make you do and say stupid things you normally wouldn't do. Not only that, it's very unflattering. Especially if there is no reason to be jealous in the first place.

    Jealousy sucks and can ruin alot of things. The good thing is that she notices the problem. The next step is she has to work this out and she has done to come here first. To eliminate the factors I think its best for her to come right out and tell him not to mention past ex's or stuff along those lines. If he likes talking about the past then change the subject to family.

     
    Old 11-02-2004, 06:51 PM   #12
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    Re: why does it bother me so much?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ashley018
    I recently started a relationship with a guy, and this is probably gonna sound really dumb but I can't help but think about his past. I really know I shouldn't since the past is the past and I'm being ridiculous, but when we were talking the other night and he was telling me about things he has done before, like one night stands and stuff and I can't help but get incredibly jealous. Normally I wouldn't really care and that's why I don't understnd why I feel this way, but for some reason it's been on my mind. He said the other girls meant nothing to him and that I do mean something, but I can't help but worry if he feels the same way about me as those other girls too. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. I don't want to ruin a relationship over something that shouldn't even matter. Thanks a lot
    Oh Ashley, i have the same thing going on in my life--and now i am married and it didnt go away.
    I have posted under OCD->"Constant thoughts of my husband and women" trust me, we have the same stuff going thru our heads and it interferes with our relationship (not that i want it to).

    Last edited by Smartcookie; 11-02-2004 at 06:53 PM.

     
    Old 11-03-2004, 10:31 PM   #13
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    Re: why does it bother me so much?

    Someone once told me this:

    "Someone's past is their own and none of your business!" Wow! That really put it into perspective for me. I am much older now and totally agree with it. Of course, there are certain things that people should let you know about their pasts out of obligation (criminal record - anything like that). But, who he dated, slept with, etc...that is HIS business.

    My brother is married to a girl that got mad because his old girlfriend was in my wedding pics with him. Hello?!?! That is who he was dating when I got married - it is part of history - doesn't mean he loves her any less!!!

    Do yourself and this guy a favor and try and get over it - it is probably in the way of a great relationship - now go have fun!

     
    Old 11-04-2004, 05:13 AM   #14
    Cp406
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    Re: why does it bother me so much?

    Everyone's S.O. has done things in the past that their other half would not like. I bet if you told him about all the things you've done something may bother him too.

    Its good to be open and honest with each other, but if it comes to a point that he is telling you way more than you want to know, then let him know it bothers you.

    I imagine he is just trying to clear the air between you so there are no secrets, but there are somethings that are better left unsaid if it hurts the other person.

    Basically you need to go into the relationship accepting that he has a past, and he needs to do the same to you. IF you can't do that, then I really don't see how things will work out.

    Remember, when all these things happened, you two were not together.

     
    Old 11-04-2004, 01:35 PM   #15
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    Re: why does it bother me so much?

    The past only matters if it effects the present. In the past he has shown a different set of morals toward intimacy than you live by. You should let him know what you think of his past behavior, then drop it. There are mainly two ways he can move forward: 1) say it"s no big deal and continue to flirt and lead a lifestyle that promotes that type of behavior. 2) try to develope a relationship with you that will reach a level of intimacy beyond what he has known before.

     
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