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-   -   I didn't mean to hurt you.....huh? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/220174-i-didnt-mean-hurt-you-huh.html)

Music4All 10-28-2004 12:37 PM

I didn't mean to hurt you.....huh?
 
1. I didn't mean to hurt you...
2. I wasn't trying to hurt you...


Could there be two more useless, overused, completely irrelevant and inconsequential phrases in the language of "coming clean". Think about how often you hear it used but how little it conveys. I have lived many years and in all those years in all my relationships and the relationships of everyone I have ever been close with, I have never encountered a scenario where a person was caught doing a wrong to the one they loved and the motivation for what they were doing was to "hurt the other person".

Case in point. Many married men and women in otherwise relatively normal relationships are caught cheating on their spouse. The one caught cheating might have any number of reasons for cheating, but almost none of them are to purposely hurt their spouse. Usually it is a selfish reason. Even when a person is not happy with their spouse, they are usually not on the prowl looking for an opportunity to have an affair just so that they can hurt them. Think of any other scenario that ends up on one or the other saying, "I'm, sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you". Maybe 1 in 100 has someone doing something with the intent of hurting a partner, but the vast majority have nothing to do with "trying or meaning” to hurt them.

My opinion on why this useless qualifying statement gets so much play in relationships is because it is the universal way of saying I'm sorry without admitting full responsibility. On the surface it sounds heartfelt and sorrowful, but it is really just a sidestepping of what should be said. In reality, this:

"I didn't mean to hurt you"

Usually means:

"I knew full well what I was doing would hurt you deeply, but I chose to gamble with your pain for my gratification".

While not as catchy, it is certainly a lot more to the truth than the standard trite.

[i]So your purpose was only self gratification and not to specifically hurt me when you sleept with the neighbor...wow, that’s a relief.[/i]

eightball61 10-28-2004 12:40 PM

Re: I didn't mean to hurt you.....huh?
 
[QUOTE=Music4All]1. I didn't mean to hurt you...
2. I wasn't trying to hurt you...


][/QUOTE]


Man and women both use this term. To me its an easy way out to say " sorry but I wasn't thinking straight as usual."

I do agree that its useless because durning a break-up or heartache then many people use this even though they know they hurt the other person. It doesn't make sense to me either and this is a very interesting post. Good topic. ;)

susieq0726 10-28-2004 01:06 PM

Re: I didn't mean to hurt you.....huh?
 
when spouses cheat on each other they should be saying:
"I am sorry I hurt you,,,I didn't mean to get caught",,,

Cp406 10-28-2004 01:12 PM

Re: I didn't mean to hurt you.....huh?
 
I think people say it after they see how much pain they have caused their partner who has just found out. They think somehow this will "help". It doesn't.

It's awful seeing someone you care about in pain, and really makes you feel like ***** when you were the one who caused it. Wheather it's cehating or just saying something hurtful.

Music4All 10-28-2004 01:16 PM

Re: I didn't mean to hurt you.....huh?
 
[QUOTE=CalistaClap]I think people say it after they see how much pain they have caused their partner who has just found out. They think somehow this will "help". It doesn't.

It's awful seeing someone you care about in pain, and really makes you feel like ***** when you were the one who caused it. Wheather it's cehating or just saying something hurtful.[/QUOTE]
I think that is why they say it also. But there are many things they could say that would express remorse. Saying I didn't mean to hurt you is not one of them. There are so many ways to own up and say you are sorry that it just seems remarkable how standard this meaningless line has become. I don't mean meaningless as in emotionally empty, I mean it as in literally it as no bearing or meaning in the situation it is usually used.

As in, "I didn't mean to hurt you when I told you those lies"..duh..of course you didn't. What you meant to do was try to avoid the consequences of whatever it is you were lying about. Has nothing to do with doing something to try to hurt someone.

eightball61 10-28-2004 01:18 PM

Re: I didn't mean to hurt you.....huh?
 
What would you rather hear??

" [B]I am sorry[/B] "
or
" [B]I didn't mean to hurt you[/B] "

Personally I will say I hate both but people automatically will say something. What is better terminology that could be used here except for the same ol' saying we here all the time?

Music4All 10-28-2004 01:23 PM

Re: I didn't mean to hurt you.....huh?
 
[QUOTE=eightball61]What would you rather hear??

" [B]I am sorry[/B] "
or
" [B]I didn't mean to hurt you[/B] "

Personally I will say I hate both but people automatically will say something. What is better terminology that could be used here except for the same ol' saying we here all the time?[/QUOTE]
Well, at least I am sorry has some relevance. It does have meaning to the situation. However too late it migth be.

To say you didn't mean to hurt someone has very little relevance. It is like saying, I didn't mean to use all the gas in the car when I drove to see my mistress. Hurting your spouse is a well understood by-product of having an affair. No intent is necessary.

eightball61 10-28-2004 01:32 PM

Re: I didn't mean to hurt you.....huh?
 
[QUOTE=Music4All]Well, at least I am sorry has some relevance. It does have meaning to the situation. However too late it migth be.

To say you didn't mean to hurt someone has very little relevance. It is like saying, I didn't mean to use all the gas in the car when I drove to see my mistress. Hurting your spouse is a well understood by-product of having an affair. No intent is necessary.[/QUOTE]

A spouse or partner can be hurt in many ways. It could be as little as buying a deck of baseball cards if you are trying to save money. Some people can get upset way to easy but thats not the point here. The point here is that people use excuses they dont realize is no help to the situation.

LittleRose1982 10-28-2004 02:00 PM

Re: I didn't mean to hurt you.....huh?
 
YES! Excellent thread, Music! This is what I have been trying to say in some of my posts. It is entirely out of selfishness and stupidity (combination) that people cheat. They honestly think they won't get caught. Therefore, in a way, it's not that they "didn't mean to hurt" their spouse, but rather that they thought they could have their way without hurting their spouse. It's a gamble, just like someone said. They are putting their partners heart on the line for their own selfishness. If you ask me, there is no excuse in the world to cheat on a spouse. None at all. Not one.

eightball61 10-28-2004 02:06 PM

Re: I didn't mean to hurt you.....huh?
 
[QUOTE=LittleRose1982]If you ask me, there is no excuse in the world to cheat on a spouse. None at all. Not one.[/QUOTE]



You are right about that. Some people will say they still love a person after they cheated or continue to cheat. Personally, I feel the person should just get out of the relationship instead of cheat but they dont think they will get caught. Its like the saying " It will never happen to me" it does happen and people do get caught. If a person has a feeling to cheat or go to another partner it best just to end things rather than cheat it off. The perseon will be hurt either way but wont be as bad if they find out they got used.


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