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  • how can I stop feeling so angry?

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    Old 10-28-2004, 12:56 PM   #1
    kbell
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    how can I stop feeling so angry?

    Those of you who have been in the loop since March know I was dating a total jerk who I later learned or finally woke up and smelled the coffee to learn was dating women and sleeping with them behind my back. Now I over feeling sad but still feel incredibly angry with myself and with him. Short of doing something that will land me in the back of a cop car or writing a letter getting out all my feelings, how do I stop feeling angry over this? I want to feel indifferent. I've met someone really cool and we're taking it way slow but the fact that I'm still angry with the ex is something I feel that's standing in my way. Thoughts? Opinions? Suggestions?

     
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    Old 10-28-2004, 01:09 PM   #2
    eightball61
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    Hey kbell

    Its natural to feel angry over someone that did something like this. To me I believe its better to feel mad than be in a deep saddness over it. Have you thought of maybe seeking counseling?

    I am glad to see that you are still around and how are you holding up though at the new area?

    Last edited by eightball61; 10-28-2004 at 01:12 PM.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 01:13 PM   #3
    kbell
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    Already am but not for this loser. For depression and anxiety.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 01:17 PM   #4
    eightball61
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kbell
    Already am but not for this loser. For depression and anxiety.

    Did the depression trigger from him?

    Its not a bad thing that you are seeking help for yourself. You have been a lot through the last year but you are taking the right steps. Eventually you will hit the stage that you want to be in and once again be happy and ready to move on. We are and have always been here for you

    Last edited by eightball61; 10-28-2004 at 01:35 PM.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 01:23 PM   #5
    Ninispjc
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    Hi Kbell. Boy, I wish I had some good advice and encouraging words for you, but I'm sort of in the same boat, except I don't have a cool new guy, lucky you! Anyway, I can only say I know how you feel. I'm still unbelievably angry at my ex and at myself for the mistakes I made and it ended almost 7 years ago. I guess I always will be. But I think the place to start is to embrace that relationship as a learning experience. So you made mistakes. We all do. The best we can do is learn what we can from them. Things that you won't do again with this new man, and who knows? Maybe this guy, or the one after him, is the man that will be what feels like a perfect fit, and it wouldn't have as good a shot at working out if you hadn't learned those lessons.

    Please don't think me hypocritical for not being able to take my own advice. I know it's so much easier said than done, but I think it's what makes sense. It's just a matter of getting it from your head to your heart. Keep the faith, and good luck to you.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 01:42 PM   #6
    kbell
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    well I've been depressed for about as long as I can remember but going through a bout of that and dealing with someone who is dishonest and hurtful while feeling weak and vulnerable isn't the greatest combination so I actually have felt worse in the past year I've been with him than I think I have in my entire life. He didn't trigger the depression but he didn't really make life easier for me either. I moved at the end of August and my new place is great. And thanks, Nin. I'm trying to learn as much as I can from it so I don't repeat it. Right now, I'm channeling my anger into some pretty good workouts so its not a total loss but I don't like to feel as angry as I do. It scares me a little bit sometimes that I can get like that. Indifference is the goal for me. I'd just rather feel nothing for him or the situation. It's still pretty fresh though, it's been 2 weeks. Every minute is different than the next but I think in time, I'll be fine with it. I just don't like feeling like the Hulk and stuff, you know the whole "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" business then turning green and breaking stuff. not cool.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 01:50 PM   #7
    eightball61
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    Its still all premature being only 2 weeks but give it time and you should see improvement. I know he doesn't help the matter out any and maybe its best we dont talk about him as you are trying to sort out your anger through counseling? or maybe it may help you? Try bringing this matter up to your counselor and see what the say it best to handle it.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 01:56 PM   #8
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    Two weeks after my breakup I was a total basket case. Literally. You sound like you are handling this pretty well. I don't know what sort of advice I can offer. My emotions swing back and forth from anger to sadness. I wish it was all anger! Maybe you could put it down in a letter. Weather you mail it or not is up to you. Take care.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 02:12 PM   #9
    kbell
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    Thanks for the advice. Wrote the letter. still deciding whether or not to set it on fire. Wrote the letter, wrote down every evil thought, even the evil dreams which were startlingly vivid. I moved from sad to angry pretty quickly but I feel like the anger is a total waste of time for a person who was a total waste of time. Cheated on me, lied to me, treated me like hell. Kind of mad at myself too for letting myself be treated that way.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 02:17 PM   #10
    eightball61
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    Take that letter and make sure thier is no return address on it nor an address to send it to. Then just drop it in the mail box and leave. Now, the letter would be out of your possession and you can move on.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 02:32 PM   #11
    Ninispjc
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kbell
    I'm trying to learn as much as I can from it so I don't repeat it. Right now, I'm channeling my anger into some pretty good workouts so its not a total loss but I don't like to feel as angry as I do. It scares me a little bit sometimes that I can get like that. Indifference is the goal for me. I'd just rather feel nothing for him or the situation. It's still pretty fresh though, it's been 2 weeks. Every minute is different than the next but I think in time, I'll be fine with it. I just don't like feeling like the Hulk and stuff, you know the whole "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" business then turning green and breaking stuff. not cool.
    That's good that you're not turning your anger inward. Anger turned inward becomes depression, so keep working outand venting. Indifference will come when you no longer love him, when you no longer care what he thinks/thought of you, when you can envision your life without him, and when you can forgive yourself for the mistakes you made. Give it some time, it won't happen overnight. In the meantime, spend time with friends, and don't forget to put yourself on the list. Be good to yourself. And yes, I know what you mean, the Hulk was one of my and my brothers' favorite shows back when. "Mr. Magee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." What helped me to a degree when I was freshly going through this was a self-defense class. All that hitting and kicking and screaming "NO!!" helps. In fact, one of the instructors was holding punching mits for me and said "boy, who are you angry at??" And at the end, you get to beat on an actual man! Albeit, dressed head to toe in padding and armour but it's still fun! And cathartic.

     
    Old 10-28-2004, 02:34 PM   #12
    realguy
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    May i offer a suggestion. Take this time you are healing and try to figure out why you didn"t see this happening. Be glad you found out now rather than not at all,which could have lead to you acquiring an STD or an being in a humiliating situation.
    Don"t waste time being carrying anger around, It will only impede future relationships.Also don"t put much of an effort into thinking why he did this to youor what you did wrong. He was probably a liar and cheater before he met you and just took advantage of your trust. Unfortunately that happens alot in relationships.
    One day you will have the relationship you deserve. Sometimes you have to date a few losers in order to appreciate the good ones. When you find that "special" someone, every once in awhile, remember who you could have ended up with and laugh about it.

     
    Old 10-29-2004, 06:18 AM   #13
    kbell
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    I didn't see it because I didn't want to see it. I was going through my own stuff at the time (read: depression) which made it next to impossible for me to think clearly and make smart choices. I'm trying hard to hold onto the lesson I learned from it but not the anger. That, of course, is easier said than done. He had the audacity to invite me to a dinner party to meet his new girlfriend. The only reason I'd go would be to warn her about what she's getting herself into not because I want him back but even if I don't like someone all that much I wouldn't want them to have to go through what I went through with him. No one deserves that kind of treatment.

     
    Old 10-29-2004, 06:28 AM   #14
    eightball61
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kbell
    He had the audacity to invite me to a dinner party to meet his new girlfriend. .

    Why would you even give any thought to go to that. She will figure him out eventually and inviting you there just gives him the power to show you that you lost out on him. You didn't loose out on anything. You could always type up a letter if you really wanted to tell her but its a dead issue and you need to move foward by not thinking of stuff like this because this is what makes you angry. Listen to your counselor and us about moving foward and eventually you will be just fine.

     
    Old 10-29-2004, 06:38 AM   #15
    kbell
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    Re: how can I stop feeling so angry?

    I don't want anyone to have to go through what I went through and if I had decided to go,I'd have brought the person I'm dating with me. I know I lost out on nothing. What makes me angry is the way he treated me and the fact that he's done the very same thing to who knows how many other women. It's not right. It's messed up. I'm angry with him for what he did to me and angry with myself for allowing him to. No one should or will have that kind of power over me ever again.

     
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