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-   -   Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/224515-living-boyfriend-but-separate-rooms.html)

Typical Girlie 11-14-2004 02:22 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
NOOOO Coz if he was THAT financially well off he'd be paying ALL the rent to lighten your load right?! So he's either NOT that financially well of or just tight as a duck's butt!

Tell me what do you class as buy everything for you? Coz he sure as hell isn't forth coming about buying all the rent? Do you mean gifts? Hell hunnie that's what all boyfriends do!! Nothing great about that, it's standard lol

It's not the waiting for sex, that's GOOD morals. It's the sleeping together part. This isn't a relationship really, this is all a bit convenient really and thats all

Flower_03 11-14-2004 02:32 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=Typical Girlie]NOOOO Coz if he was THAT financially well off he'd be paying ALL the rent to lighten your load right?! So he's either NOT that financially well of or just tight as a duck's butt!

Tell me what do you class as buy everything for you? Coz he sure as hell isn't forth coming about buying all the rent? Do you mean gifts? Hell hunnie that's what all boyfriends do!! Nothing great about that, it's standard lol

It's not the waiting for sex, that's GOOD morals. It's the sleeping together part. This isn't a relationship really, this is all a bit convenient really and thats all[/QUOTE]

He's not rich- he's only 21. I mean he has more money than I do, and can pay his way. He wouldn't be able to afford paying all the rent- and I wouldn't want him to. I want to pay my share. He doesnt just buy typical presents- he buys me things that I need like a $1200 car alarm, desk chair, pays for my groceries, study lamp, a rug... you know, stuff totally not romantic. I don't expect him to do that (I can pay my way)-- but he just wants to. He just buys them cos he cares I guess and knows I need them.
Also about the morals thing- well that's why we aren't sleeping together- that's why I want separate rooms.

goody2shuz 11-14-2004 02:40 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=Flower_03]He's not rich- he's only 21. I mean he has more money than I do, and can pay his way. He wouldn't be able to afford paying all the rent- and I wouldn't want him to. I want to pay my share. He doesnt just buy typical presents- he buys me things that I need like a $1200 car alarm, desk chair, pays for my groceries, study lamp, a rug... you know, stuff totally not romantic. I don't expect him to do that (I can pay my way)-- but he just wants to. He just buys them cos he cares I guess and knows I need them.
Also about the morals thing- well that's why we aren't sleeping together- that's why I want separate rooms.[/QUOTE]

Hi Flower...I've been peeking in here & one thing I wonder is how long you think the sleeping in a bed thing will work before you are in a situation morally you don't want? I could understand the sharing a flat together with separate rooms..but you have said yourself that he was hoping you'd share a bed together. Sharing a flat as flatmates and a bed are two different things. Seems to me that he may see this move as an advancement phase in the relationship. I would be certain that you are on the same page when it comes to where this may be bringing your relationship. Is there a lease involved? If there is it might be wise to leave it open so that you can ask him to leave if things don't exactly work out.....Goody

Typical Girlie 11-14-2004 02:59 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Flower if you are counteracting all our advice with his 'good points', what exactly do you need advice on, u have it sewn up then right? You're content it appears, he's content, wheres the problem then?

vintagegirl 11-14-2004 03:37 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
I believe her initial problem was that she was not sure to 1.) If she wanted him to move in with her, or 2.) How he would react to sleeping in another bed because of her sleeping problems. She said since that first post that she has spoken to him about the whole thing, and seems to be replying the rest of our posts now.

As for couples who don't sleep in the same bed: (snoring, jimmy legs, thrashers, and insomniacs are some of the unfortunate reasons)--that does'nt mean these couples are any less in love. It just sucks. Has anyone here ever seen those sleep documenteries, or slept with someone with these problems? If they want a good night's sleep, they need a king size bed or another sleeing area. It does'nt mean that they do not love them and the rest of their relationship is not good. Christopher Reeve could'nt sleep in the same bed with his wife, but as far as I know, he and his wife were still committed to their relationship regardless of the sleeping arrangement.

Typical Girlie 11-14-2004 03:52 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
VintageGirl, with all due respect you're talking about people who have already lived together over a course of time and them then coming to a mutual decision that something needs adjusting, their relationship is already stable beyond a shadow of a doubt. This however, is a relationship JUST starting off into the co-habitation stage, something quite different. They haven't had that form of relationship yet, they don't have that level of commitment yet, nor would they have the level of love and understanding that Christopher Reeves and his wife had, simply because they were married a long time before and after the accident up to his death. You cannot compare the two. Under THOSE circumstances yes, but to start out on that foot? ummm no it doesnt make sense sorry.

Living together IS a form of commitment, and what if they want to get married? They're going to sleep in separate beds too from the honeymoon night? LOL

Come on now, you gotta at least TRY to start as you mean to go on.

vintagegirl 11-14-2004 08:03 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Typical, I see your point--but you pretty much generalized in a previous post that all couples (not specifying starting out vs. long term) were odd balls if they were not sharing a bed. If an individual has a sleep disorder such as this poster, or sleeps with a thrasher/snorer, I don't think it's fair to automatically assume their relationship is weird because one of them would like to get some sleep. The best she could do is get help for her insomnia so that they could cohabitate in the same bed eventually. She said she was a light sleeper and he moved around all night.

Actually, I am more confused by the idea of trying to remain virgins while living together....but that was'nt her initial concern or question. She just wanted to know if it was strange to want to sleep in seperate beds while they shared a living space....and it looks like she got a variety of opinions.

littleone314 11-14-2004 08:21 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
I don't see anything wrong with not sleeping together. I agree with the poster who said just because you don't sleep together doesn't mean you love the person any less. Especially, if you are trying to reserve sex untill after marriage. I think it's actually a WONDERFUL idea when trying to remain virgins. Good for you:)! Don't worry it isn't strange at all.

Typical Girlie 11-15-2004 12:17 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
As much as I don't believe in giving too much before marriage, I'm not sure if advising someone to remain a virgin until marriage IS a good idea...religious nuts, do not come out and bash me because i don't want to discuss religious matters actually! But having been married and to a virgin for all those years, let me tell you - you NEED to be compatible on every level BEFORE marriage, trust me, you cannot assume because you love someone the sex will be mind blowing. Often it's not and it can cause arguments to the point of separation. I say this couple doesn't sound commited in any form and if its purely a financial arrangement...fine. Good deal.

Flower_03 11-15-2004 01:39 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=Typical Girlie]As much as I don't believe in giving too much before marriage, I'm not sure if advising someone to remain a virgin until marriage IS a good idea...religious nuts, do not come out and bash me because i don't want to discuss religious matters actually! But having been married and to a virgin for all those years, let me tell you - you NEED to be compatible on every level BEFORE marriage, trust me, you cannot assume because you love someone the sex will be mind blowing. Often it's not and it can cause arguments to the point of separation. I say this couple doesn't sound commited in any form and if its purely a financial arrangement...fine. Good deal.[/QUOTE]

Typical girlie, you seem to be very cynical... I don't think its your place to say we are not committed. We have been going out for nearly 3 years- we have stuck by each other and cared for each other all this time. Teh fact that we have not had sex and he has stuck by me shows that he's got some commitment. I never said I was going to remain a virgin before marriage, all I said was that we weren't planning on having sex until we were fully ready. We are not together for 'financial reasons'... we actually enjoy each other's company. I know you are just trying to offer your opinion, but I find that it seems like you are just attacking our relationship.

goody2shuz 11-15-2004 04:25 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=Flower_03]Typical girlie, you seem to be very cynical... I don't think its your place to say we are not committed. We have been going out for nearly 3 years- we have stuck by each other and cared for each other all this time. Teh fact that we have not had sex and he has stuck by me shows that he's got some commitment. I never said I was going to remain a virgin before marriage, all I said was that we weren't planning on having sex until we were fully ready. We are not together for 'financial reasons'... we actually enjoy each other's company. I know you are just trying to offer your opinion, but I find that it seems like you are just attacking our relationship.[/QUOTE]

Flower....Typical is going by the facts, this is the first we're hearing about a 3 year relationship. It's apparent that your original post is if sharing a flat and the two peple sleeping separately if that would be considered odd? Somehow we've gotten a little carried away. I see the two of you seem commited enough...you seemed to state that you were originally uncertain about the arrangement because you require your own space. A little unusual for two people committed to sleep separately but with your need for sleep and difficulty getting it while sleeping with another person may be the exception to the rule. And your boyfriend seems to be okay with the idea although he states that he would like to share the same bed despite your need for space but will go to another room if you need your sleep.

I say that you just have to be open & honest about your need for space so that you don't face the unexpected. I would also recommend a trial period where you agree to not have hurt feelings if it gets to the point that one or the other reevaluates the situation and wants to get a separate flat.

Just thought I'd let you know that peoples opinions will vary from post to post and it is sometimes difficult to offer advice when you don't have all the information. Please don't see it as being cynical....everyone is hear to help...some shoot from the hip like TG and some from the heart. Either way they only wish you well......Goody :wave:

eightball61 11-15-2004 06:21 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
I am coming late on this one and I didn't really read the other responses but if I was in this then I think it be only fair to talk it over with him. You dont want him to move in with a high expectation and he gets a cold shoulder. Explain to him what you want and if he decides fromt here then take him in.

susieq0726 11-15-2004 06:35 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
First, I think you really need to look down deep in your heart and figure out if this is what you want to do. I think the sleeping in the same bed thing may just be an excuse.
As for not sleeping in the same bed, I don't see a problem with that really. I have been happily married for 10 yrs and my husband and I sometimes don't sleep in the same bed. Mainly because our schedules are not the same, and sometimes our bed bothers his back.
But I don't think that is the REAL issue. You need to be honest with yourself and with him. It doesn't mean you don't like being with him, it just means your young and not ready to make that kind of commitment.

trulydisturbed 11-15-2004 09:16 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
I'm 20 years old also, and have been living w/ my bf since May. We are gettin married this coming May, and I wanted to live w/ him before I married him so I knew what it would be like. I wanted to get all issues we would have out of the way, so we weren't fighting our first year of marriage. There have been some nights when we have slept separately, for space or convenience and I see no problem with that, but I think I would take a deeper look at why you don't want him to sleep in the same room as you, there is nothing wrong w/ living together w/o being an "old married couple" as some people put it....Hope this helps a little!

Gundam 11-15-2004 02:49 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
I thinking starting by living together but sleep in seperate rooms is a perfect way to start, not weird @ all.

10 years ago, when I started living with my XX-GF, we rented an apartment with 2 rooms, so we slept together most of the time (:D) but when needed we'd sleep in seperate rooms too, like when her parents visited.

Being able to love with your loved one is a joy; & in your situation, living together with your loved one while also gaining control, is perfect.


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