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-   -   Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/224515-living-boyfriend-but-separate-rooms.html)

Typical Girlie 11-14-2004 04:52 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
VintageGirl, with all due respect you're talking about people who have already lived together over a course of time and them then coming to a mutual decision that something needs adjusting, their relationship is already stable beyond a shadow of a doubt. This however, is a relationship JUST starting off into the co-habitation stage, something quite different. They haven't had that form of relationship yet, they don't have that level of commitment yet, nor would they have the level of love and understanding that Christopher Reeves and his wife had, simply because they were married a long time before and after the accident up to his death. You cannot compare the two. Under THOSE circumstances yes, but to start out on that foot? ummm no it doesnt make sense sorry.

Living together IS a form of commitment, and what if they want to get married? They're going to sleep in separate beds too from the honeymoon night? LOL

Come on now, you gotta at least TRY to start as you mean to go on.

vintagegirl 11-14-2004 09:03 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Typical, I see your point--but you pretty much generalized in a previous post that all couples (not specifying starting out vs. long term) were odd balls if they were not sharing a bed. If an individual has a sleep disorder such as this poster, or sleeps with a thrasher/snorer, I don't think it's fair to automatically assume their relationship is weird because one of them would like to get some sleep. The best she could do is get help for her insomnia so that they could cohabitate in the same bed eventually. She said she was a light sleeper and he moved around all night.

Actually, I am more confused by the idea of trying to remain virgins while living together....but that was'nt her initial concern or question. She just wanted to know if it was strange to want to sleep in seperate beds while they shared a living space....and it looks like she got a variety of opinions.

littleone314 11-14-2004 09:21 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
I don't see anything wrong with not sleeping together. I agree with the poster who said just because you don't sleep together doesn't mean you love the person any less. Especially, if you are trying to reserve sex untill after marriage. I think it's actually a WONDERFUL idea when trying to remain virgins. Good for you:)! Don't worry it isn't strange at all.

Typical Girlie 11-15-2004 01:17 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
As much as I don't believe in giving too much before marriage, I'm not sure if advising someone to remain a virgin until marriage IS a good idea...religious nuts, do not come out and bash me because i don't want to discuss religious matters actually! But having been married and to a virgin for all those years, let me tell you - you NEED to be compatible on every level BEFORE marriage, trust me, you cannot assume because you love someone the sex will be mind blowing. Often it's not and it can cause arguments to the point of separation. I say this couple doesn't sound commited in any form and if its purely a financial arrangement...fine. Good deal.

Flower_03 11-15-2004 02:39 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=Typical Girlie]As much as I don't believe in giving too much before marriage, I'm not sure if advising someone to remain a virgin until marriage IS a good idea...religious nuts, do not come out and bash me because i don't want to discuss religious matters actually! But having been married and to a virgin for all those years, let me tell you - you NEED to be compatible on every level BEFORE marriage, trust me, you cannot assume because you love someone the sex will be mind blowing. Often it's not and it can cause arguments to the point of separation. I say this couple doesn't sound commited in any form and if its purely a financial arrangement...fine. Good deal.[/QUOTE]

Typical girlie, you seem to be very cynical... I don't think its your place to say we are not committed. We have been going out for nearly 3 years- we have stuck by each other and cared for each other all this time. Teh fact that we have not had sex and he has stuck by me shows that he's got some commitment. I never said I was going to remain a virgin before marriage, all I said was that we weren't planning on having sex until we were fully ready. We are not together for 'financial reasons'... we actually enjoy each other's company. I know you are just trying to offer your opinion, but I find that it seems like you are just attacking our relationship.

goody2shuz 11-15-2004 05:25 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=Flower_03]Typical girlie, you seem to be very cynical... I don't think its your place to say we are not committed. We have been going out for nearly 3 years- we have stuck by each other and cared for each other all this time. Teh fact that we have not had sex and he has stuck by me shows that he's got some commitment. I never said I was going to remain a virgin before marriage, all I said was that we weren't planning on having sex until we were fully ready. We are not together for 'financial reasons'... we actually enjoy each other's company. I know you are just trying to offer your opinion, but I find that it seems like you are just attacking our relationship.[/QUOTE]

Flower....Typical is going by the facts, this is the first we're hearing about a 3 year relationship. It's apparent that your original post is if sharing a flat and the two peple sleeping separately if that would be considered odd? Somehow we've gotten a little carried away. I see the two of you seem commited enough...you seemed to state that you were originally uncertain about the arrangement because you require your own space. A little unusual for two people committed to sleep separately but with your need for sleep and difficulty getting it while sleeping with another person may be the exception to the rule. And your boyfriend seems to be okay with the idea although he states that he would like to share the same bed despite your need for space but will go to another room if you need your sleep.

I say that you just have to be open & honest about your need for space so that you don't face the unexpected. I would also recommend a trial period where you agree to not have hurt feelings if it gets to the point that one or the other reevaluates the situation and wants to get a separate flat.

Just thought I'd let you know that peoples opinions will vary from post to post and it is sometimes difficult to offer advice when you don't have all the information. Please don't see it as being cynical....everyone is hear to help...some shoot from the hip like TG and some from the heart. Either way they only wish you well......Goody :wave:

eightball61 11-15-2004 07:21 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
I am coming late on this one and I didn't really read the other responses but if I was in this then I think it be only fair to talk it over with him. You dont want him to move in with a high expectation and he gets a cold shoulder. Explain to him what you want and if he decides fromt here then take him in.

susieq0726 11-15-2004 07:35 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
First, I think you really need to look down deep in your heart and figure out if this is what you want to do. I think the sleeping in the same bed thing may just be an excuse.
As for not sleeping in the same bed, I don't see a problem with that really. I have been happily married for 10 yrs and my husband and I sometimes don't sleep in the same bed. Mainly because our schedules are not the same, and sometimes our bed bothers his back.
But I don't think that is the REAL issue. You need to be honest with yourself and with him. It doesn't mean you don't like being with him, it just means your young and not ready to make that kind of commitment.

trulydisturbed 11-15-2004 10:16 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
I'm 20 years old also, and have been living w/ my bf since May. We are gettin married this coming May, and I wanted to live w/ him before I married him so I knew what it would be like. I wanted to get all issues we would have out of the way, so we weren't fighting our first year of marriage. There have been some nights when we have slept separately, for space or convenience and I see no problem with that, but I think I would take a deeper look at why you don't want him to sleep in the same room as you, there is nothing wrong w/ living together w/o being an "old married couple" as some people put it....Hope this helps a little!

Gundam 11-15-2004 03:49 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
I thinking starting by living together but sleep in seperate rooms is a perfect way to start, not weird @ all.

10 years ago, when I started living with my XX-GF, we rented an apartment with 2 rooms, so we slept together most of the time (:D) but when needed we'd sleep in seperate rooms too, like when her parents visited.

Being able to love with your loved one is a joy; & in your situation, living together with your loved one while also gaining control, is perfect.

healthseeker 11-15-2004 05:04 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=Typical Girlie]I think every woman on this board would agree that to live with someone you love and not sleep with them everynight would be classed as an insult. Works two ways.[/QUOTE]

Not neccessarily, my DH snores LOUD and on occasion he gets "sent" to sleep in another bedroom. :D I also suffer from fibromyalgia and we he sees that I have not slept well for a few days, he will go to another room so that I really crash. So, I understand the insomnia thing! I know, Typical Girlie, that's different right? However, I don't want to end up with separate rooms ever! I think it is unatural for a couple to do that. My sister and her husband sleep in different rooms. I almost get the feeling that they are just "friends" more than lovers anymore - everything they do is centered around thier daughter. They used to say that they just got kinda crowded in a queen size bed and needed a king - they now have a king and the arrangements are still the same. Who knows!

I agree that you will probably get used to each other's sleeping pattern more than you realize - but get a 2 bedroom apt. just in case you need "one of those nights".

Flower_03 11-15-2004 06:49 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=healthseeker]Not neccessarily, my DH snores LOUD and on occasion he gets "sent" to sleep in another bedroom. :D I also suffer from fibromyalgia and we he sees that I have not slept well for a few days, he will go to another room so that I really crash. So, I understand the insomnia thing! I know, Typical Girlie, that's different right? However, I don't want to end up with separate rooms ever! I think it is unatural for a couple to do that. My sister and her husband sleep in different rooms. I almost get the feeling that they are just "friends" more than lovers anymore - everything they do is centered around thier daughter. They used to say that they just got kinda crowded in a queen size bed and needed a king - they now have a king and the arrangements are still the same. Who knows!

I agree that you will probably get used to each other's sleeping pattern more than you realize - but get a 2 bedroom apt. just in case you need "one of those nights".[/QUOTE]

Hi everyone, I'm sorta even more confused about what I'm going to do- but I really do appreciate all your advice :) I don't want us sleeping separately forever(like when we're married)- I just want to sleep mainly separate at the moment cos of my stress/sleeping (maybe for 6 months) and also cos I'm too young and don't feel confortable. I guess my attitude of not sleeping together is cos of my family background. My mum is TOTALLY against me sleeping with my boyfriend, and doesn't believe in sex before marriage. She would prefer if he were just a 'mere friend' and she said I can share with him if we have separate rooms.
I don't let my mum run my life, but if we were to get a one bedroom flat- then she would NOT BE HAPPY and it would cause a lot of arguments. Also I agree that a two bedroom flat would give me flexibility in sleeping arrangements. At the moment my b/f seems like he'll go along with the idea, but who knows how long that will last. For him, he doesnt want to sleep with me for sex reasons (cos we're virgins)-- but he just says he wants to be close to me. But after a while of him being in a separate room, he might start geting bothered by it....

In a way he seems more committed than me cos he sometimes says stuff like 'when we get married..''...but for me I don't like thinking that far ahead. I really do care about him- he is my boyfriend and a best friend..but i'm only 20!! He's my first boyfriend, and I'm his first girlfriend.

eightball61 11-16-2004 06:54 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
As I said before, talk to him about your feelings. You want to sleep in seperate rooms so you can get adjusted to him being there. You need to tell him everything that you told us. I do hope he will understand. This isn't going to be something forever but dont allow him to sleep with you if you dont feel right about it. You have to think of yourself to. I am sure thier may be nights where you both do fall asleep together but most of the time it will be in a seperate thing. I wouldn't take it to heart....gosh I would be just glad that I am starting a life with the one who I love together.

Ruth6:11 11-16-2004 06:56 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE]I don't like thinking that far ahead. I really do care about him- he is my boyfriend and a best friend..but i'm only 20!![/QUOTE]

I guess my question is, If this is true then why would you want to live with him? That's serious stuff. Everything in a marriage except the rings and the legal protection...

twanger 11-16-2004 08:22 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
I don't understand why you would put yourself in the position of living with him. You said that you are not ready for a committment of marriage and that you have things that you want to do and that you are still very young to be tied down for the rest of your life. Why PLAY house. You need time by yourself to grow and to get to know who you really are and to complete the things you want to do. This needs to be done without any further stress of living with your bf.

Please think about this. You have a whole life ahead of you and you cannot repeat one single day. If you find out that you made a mistake by him living with you, all that will be there is hurt feelings and more stress and time wasted for you to grow into a woman.

If you make a mistake by not letting him live with you, that is easily remedied and can bring joy. If he goes away because of this, then it was not meant to be. These days are yours and you can not go back when you are 40 years old and now want to grow as you were supposed to at your age.

I don't mean to lecture because in life we all have to choose our own paths. Noone can do this for us. We have to make our mistakes and learn from them and we have to make our good choices and rejoice in them.

Good Luck in your decision.

ladivapr 11-16-2004 11:48 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
That's very well said twanger.

Even if they sleep in separate beds, granted she will loose her virginity if they are living under the same roof. I would say to the girl enjoy her young years and do what your hearts tells you, that is to not live with the man until the time is right.

As far as the concern for the insomnia when do get married and sleep in the same bed with a man, wouldnt a king size bed work out? man they are huge beds its almost like sleeping separatetly. There is also double twin beds too. There is options.

Flower_03 11-16-2004 06:11 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=ladivapr]That's very well said twanger.

Even if they sleep in separate beds, granted she will loose her virginity if they are living under the same roof. I would say to the girl enjoy her young years and do what your hearts tells you, that is to not live with the man until the time is right.

As far as the concern for the insomnia when do get married and sleep in the same bed with a man, wouldnt a king size bed work out? man they are huge beds its almost like sleeping separatetly. There is also double twin beds too. There is options.[/QUOTE]

Hi, my boyfreind and I did sleep in a king bed a few times, and even though it was HUGE- I can still hear him moving and snoring.Also he has the tendency to take up the whole bed- he moves close to my side in his sleep even though he has HEAPS OF ROOM.
Anyway I didn't realise that living together was such a big commitment- I was more worried about the sleeping arrangements, but thought actually sharing together wouldn't be a big deal. It would just be like housemates.
Just cos we are sharing doesn't mean marriage is on the cards.. i just thought it would be fun in terms of having company + having him around. I thought if it doesn't work, then he could just move out and share with strangers- hopefully with no hard feelings...

eightball61 11-17-2004 07:14 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=Flower_03]
Anyway I didn't realise that living together was such a big commitment-..[/QUOTE]


I really hate to make this turn around but it seems to me like you are scared of commitment. I know you stated that you dont want to yet but this is a first step to see if you both can stand living together. IF this is such a big hassle for you then just tell him to stay put because you are not ready yet. Its your place and your decision.

hope & faith 07-06-2005 08:47 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Vintage Girl,
I was intrigued by what you wrote regarding couples (married or not) who don't sleep in the same bed yet still live happily together. Can you point me to any links to studies or other such info? I would also like to learn more about those who have separate rooms "for their own space". thanks

EddieDean 07-06-2005 09:30 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Flower, I think you need to do what is right for YOU. We can all sit here and give our own experiences, but only YOU are in your situation and can see all angles that we cannot.

Personally, it sounds to me like you want to move in with your guy but are worried what your mom and society will say. That's part of the drawback of cohabitation. However, there are lots of perks, too, like seeing each other every night and really getting to know each other inside and out. I wasn't ready for such a commitment at 20, but that's not to say that you aren't. You have to do what's right for YOU and really search your soul to see what that is....we can't make this choice for you!

As for the bed and sex issue, it IS possible to LIVE TOGETHER AND NOT HAVE SEX!! I've been with my boyfriend for 5.5 years and I am STILL a virgin!!! Sure, we have "fooled around," but I have never had intercourse. Our sexual relationship is exactly the same as it was before we moved in together 2 years ago because that's what we decided. Everyone assumes that just because we're living together that we're having hot, steamy sex every night. Let them think whatever they want.....I'm not having intercourse until I'm married. I hate how people make assumptions. Even my best friends thought that we would start getting it on as soon as we moved in. Two years later, we're still holding on strong....it's a personal choice and no "rule" is going to change my mind on this!

The bed issue is completely irrelevant, in my eyes. Who cares whether you share a bed or not, or for what reasons?!! Everyone seems to want to label your situation as "roommates vs. lovers." Only YOU know whether you and your guy are roomates or something more, and sharing a bed is simply syntactic. I share a bed with my guy every night, and again: we are virgins! Let people think what they want....do what's right for you and feel comfortable with your choice. Life is too short to let everyone decide your future for you.


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