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Flower_03 11-13-2004 10:55 PM

Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Hi everyone. I'm twenty years old and have been going out with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. However during this time, we have been doing it long distance (we're 2.5 hrs apart, but see each other once a week). Anyway he's moving up to where I live in a few months, but he has suggested MOVING IN with me.
I'm really not sure about it- I'm only 20 and don't want to be shacked up like we're a married couple at such a young age.Also since we've going out long distance- i've never really been around him 24x7- I don't know if it'll work. I'm also a really light/bad sleeper, and I don't really like the idea of sleeping in the same bed with him every night. He weezes, and moves around heaps. I know its dumb, but i'm worrried I'll get bad insomnia.

I really care about him and love being with him, but also I like my 'own space'.
The trouble is he has no where else to live, and it would help me out heaps sharing with someone in terms of sharing the rent/financially + i enjoy his company.
To cut to the chase I was just wondering if anyone has shared with their boyfriend/girlfriend in the same apartment, but in separate rooms. I was thinking that we could sleep separately during the week so that I can sleep properly so I'm not tired at work, and then on weekends we could sleep with each other and do all that sort of stuff.

I feel really weird about the separate rooms idea and just wanted to know if anyone else does it? Is it a weird idea?
Any comments would be appreciated!!!

Mecpcpj 11-13-2004 11:16 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Flower- No, it's not totally weird! It's totally understandable. Have you talked to him about your concern? I think what might happen if you end up living together (with the separate rooms) is that you'll still end up sleeping in one bed. He'll probably want to or you'll just get used to each other's sleeping habits.

When my boyfriend lived in his dorm I slept on the floor a lot! I can't stand sleeping in the same bed when the other person is moving around or snoring and breathing in my face. So, most of the time I'd end up getting up in the middle of the night to move to the floor. Plus, the bed was just too small for 2 people.

I think your boyfriend will understand if you tell him your concern. Sleep is important so you don't want to put yourself in a tough position giving in to his wants.

Typical Girlie 11-14-2004 02:31 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
The problem with this i foresee is when his friends find out and thats going to be trouble! Coz once he mentions he sleeps in a different bed to his gf, they will all chime in and say there's 'problems' there and convince him you have underhanded motives, however innocent you are, he WILL eventually question you and possibly look elsewhere.

I think every woman on this board would agree that to live with someone you love and not sleep with them everynight would be classed as an insult. Works two ways.

Flower_03 11-14-2004 03:09 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Hi, I have spoken to my boyfriend about this, and he said he'd rather share the same bed as me(but will sleep in the other room if I really want him to, cos he knows I can't sleep properly when I'm with him). He knows that its not about him- it's cos I can't sleep properly cos he breathes noisy, moves a lot etc. He's a pretty caring person, and he seems to understand. I'm not a person who sleeps very well in the first place, so having a person next to me really doesn't help. We stayed at a hotel the other night, and I took about 4 hrs to get to sleep.

I just thought that separate rooms would be more flexible- we can sleep separately and get a good nights sleep, and when we want to we can sleep together. I don't know how well it'll work in practice tho-- he may keep sneaking into my room or we may feel weird knowing the other person is in the room next door.

About his friends- a lot of them don't have girlfriends anyway and if they come around we could just pretend we sleep together so he doesn't get hassled???But that's my whole point, i just 'see' separate rooms as abnormal for a couple.. that's why I wanted to know how common it ACTUALLY is amongst couples. I think that will make my boyfriend feel better knowing that other girls feel the same as me....

If he really loves me, we have our whole lives to sleep with each other later on..

I'd welcome any advice/comments anyone can give me.. thanks heaps!

Ruth6:11 11-14-2004 05:36 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Personally I think that he should find his own place. A much better sign to me of a responsible guy who doesn't want to "just live with me". If he's a keeper HE should have some drive to do more than mooch off you because he doesn't have a place. He can borrow first & last months rent from family for heaven's sake, get a job and pay his own rent like a grown-up.

Also, what do YOU want out of this relationship? Are you looking for marriage?? I usually take a lot of heat from people here who don't fit the profile, but most people I know who just live together don't end up getting married to them (and we WILL hear from the ones who is does work for!)
Woman tend to layer alot more emotional content onto a relationship and all the guy knows is that he's getting food, company & sex so why rock the boat with something scary like marriage??

You mention "If he really loves me we have our whole lives to sleep with each other later on.".
That can be pretty shaky thinking if you're considering living with someone. And what if he DOESN'T? Then you've let a year or three go by, committed to someone - but not married...

And, by the way. I've lived with two guys two separate times. Didn't end up married to either one of them. Not that it was "wrong", just didn't end in marriage.
I DID marry a guy who agreed with me that we would "do it right" and make the real committment that goes with sharing life. We've been married 15 years

It's not that I'm against living together - but generally speaking IF the woman wants a permanent relationship living together ends up removing the one reason a guy WILL get married. To share a home, a bed (& some real meals!).

:angel:
(Please don't flame me, it's only my opinion...)

vintagegirl 11-14-2004 05:36 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Maybe the real question is....are you sure you want him moving in at all? You said you were not sure how it was going to be with him around 24/7 and that you did'nt want to "shack up" at such a young age. Living together can be a big adjustment for people who are used to their space. I know, I'm the same way.

I don't know what his financial landscape looks like, but maybe you could both have separate places with the sleep over nights to begin with, and if that sits well with you, he could move in. Don't feel like you have to share YOUR apartment just because he's moving nearby or because it seems like the easiest arrangement for him. Do what's best for you. If you do decide to have him live there, talk about the sharing of expenses--cable/electric/phone/rent..... BEFORE he gets there. :)

P.S.--And don't worry about sleeping in different beds. It's an urban myth that ALL happy/normal/married/couples sleep in the same bed.....but no one will own up to it---believe me!

twanger 11-14-2004 07:27 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Ruth6:11 couldn't have said it any better. As far as I am concerned she is right on the mark. You are tooo young to be tied down and you need your freedom to grow and become the woman you want to be without having your bf as a roommate.

Let him be responsible and get his own place and you two can decide when and if he can spend the night. He will respect you more for this decision in the end and the relationship will be on an even playing field.

Typical Girlie 11-14-2004 08:36 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Sorry and I'm sure I will get lots of 'WRONG' from other posters, but to my mind if you don't sleep in the same bed, as your partner / husband/bf/gf/wife whatever, that is flat mates. I don't understand the concept of how you explain you will have years to sleep together and it's like it's not important now? That makes no sense to me whatsoever. It's almost like you are saying to yourself it's not right, but I will make it 'seem' right by adding we can do it in the future. Like the things that are unbearable now are going to be bearable at a later date? Ummm no, unbearable things get MORE unbearable over time, not less. So assume from this if you find certain things unbearable now, you might need to think this relationship over somewhat.

Personally I don't think he cares, he's just agreeable from a financial point of view....right now girlie, you make 'good financial sense' = less expense for him = more money in his pocket. After all most men if you said to them (assuming they care that is!) "we're sleeping in different beds", they'd be like "oh hell no we're not!"....coz if a guy is absolutely nuts about you..that's EXACTLY the place he wants you to be!!! And while you're there together he'd be all over you like a rash.....the fact your guy isn't doing this....tells me something, your attitude tells me something too....why isn't it telling you??!



To the poster who said lots of couples do it...but don't admit it. You're right. There are lots. But you know what? No one says anything because everyone else in what I class as 'normal' relationships would look at them strangely. I sincerely doubt two people in those long term relationships are happy with that arrangement. It's usually at one person's suggestion and the other's agreement because there aren't any alternatives! If someone comes back and says...'whats normal'...then I will already counteract that and say...if there's no such thing as 'normal' then there would be no such thing as 'abnormal' either and therefore from that we can deduce that everything then is acceptable which of course, it isn't.

promisez 11-14-2004 08:44 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? In other words, he's getting the sex anyway and now you're both deciding whether to "play house" together? No reason at all for a commitment from him and if he does have an affair, you have no recourse except to ask him to leave. He needs his own place and if you need help that bad, get a female roomate.

SophiaM 11-14-2004 08:51 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
I have to agree with Typical Girlie. I think there's something missing if you don't desire to sleep with him in the same bed, and he AGREES to it! In my opinion, if you're crazy about the person, being close to them is more rewarding than getting a good night's sleep.

Ruth also has a point in advising that living together usually is not an arrangement that precedes a life-long commitment. And even if you do end up marrying the guy, it won't be as exciting as starting fresh together because you've already been "shacked up" for years. It's not romantic if you ask me. And by the way, I too lived with a guy from my early to mid 20s. Wouldn't do it again. You are so young. Don't move in with any guy, date and see who you really love enough to want to one day live with as a husband and share your bed with without cringing.

Typical Girlie 11-14-2004 08:53 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Agreed, with all Promisez has said, hence why I do tell the younger women I know...you're giving TOO much too soon....ie. sex too soon, the word 'love too soon', moving in together and so on. 90% of those relationships don't go onto engagement let alone marriage. It's not I have anything against it, but god almighty women, at least have a bit of savvy! If you meet a man, fall in love, want to marry him and you suspect he feels the same way at least give him a bit of a chase and make your morals somewhat known! That means certain things after certain events. Stop keep allowing men to tell you it's ok, to live together for years and have sex with no commitment from them and have all these kids outside marriage. It didn't happen years ago yet today it's not unusual to see many many women left holding the baby[ies] without ANY form of committment STILL from the guy! To me that = plain stupid.

SophiaM 11-14-2004 08:54 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=Typical Girlie]Agreed, with all Promisez has said, hence why I do tell the younger women I know...you're giving TOO much too soon....ie. sex too soon, the word 'love too soon', moving in together and so on. 90% of those relationships don't go onto engagement let alone marriage. It's not I have anything against it, but god almighty women, at least have a bit of savvy! If you meet a man, fall in love, want to marry him and you suspect he feels the same way at least give him a bit of a chase and make your morals somewhat known! That means certain things after certain events. Stop keep allowing men to tell you it's ok, to live together for years and have sex with no commitment from them and have all these kids outside marriage. It didn't happen years ago yet today it's not unusual to see many many women left holding the baby[ies] without ANY form of committment STILL from the guy! To me that = plain stupid.[/QUOTE]

Tell it like it is, girl! :D Agreed 100%

Ruth6:11 11-14-2004 10:08 AM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
P.S. He'll agree to ANYthing right now. What red-blooded male wouldn't if the reward was a roof over his head, food & sex?! (Sorry guys!)
Even if he agrees to separate beds during the week do you REALLY think it would end up that way a few weeks/months later??
Wait for the real thing kiddo, if I could live my life over again I sure would have!!
:angel:

Typical Girlie 11-14-2004 12:27 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Exactly Ruth but as we know it takes years of experience before we know that, and of course we TOO didn't know this when we were young, hence mistakes!! So we try and pass our lessons onto the younger women hoping they won't make the same mistakes we did...but guess what? They find it incomprehensible to even imagine we were that young once and capable of feeling as they do today!

Flower_03 11-14-2004 02:17 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=promisez]Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? In other words, he's getting the sex anyway and now you're both deciding whether to "play house" together? No reason at all for a commitment from him and if he does have an affair, you have no recourse except to ask him to leave. He needs his own place and if you need help that bad, get a female roomate.[/QUOTE]

Hey, thanks for the replies. But I think you guys don't understand the situation. My boyfriend has not asked to live with me cos he wants sex. WE ARE BOTH VIRGINS!!! We're waiting until the right time. I have really strong morals- that's why I haven't succumed to sex yet. He is respectful of this cos we've been going out for nearly 3 years.

Basically I'm reluctant to share with someone other than him - I've shared all thru UNI in dorms and with flatmates - they always make too much noise. THat's contributed to why I am a poor sleeper and stress. My boyfriend doesn't know anyone here- so has no friends he can share with. It doesn't make sense to have to make him share with strangers, while I have an apartment of my own.

He is a very sweet guy and he isn't agreeing to sleep in a separate bed cos he is not enthusiastic about the relationship. At the moment I am at university (I've just finished my degree). I have been really stressed about study (and he knows that) and that is related to my sleeping problems. I'm no longer studying since finishing uni, so i'm hoping in the future I'm not such a fussy sleeper.
He is also financially well off- he is GONNA be paying me half the rent, buying food etc. He is not trying to bludge off me- actually he is the one who always wants to buy everything for me!!!
I just thought it would be nice to be flat mates (be around each other), but the whole separate bed thing is just cos i'm a poor sleeper and not ready for sleeping together. I'm not ready for sex- so sleeping together every nite is a big step...

does this extra information change people's views???

Typical Girlie 11-14-2004 02:22 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
NOOOO Coz if he was THAT financially well off he'd be paying ALL the rent to lighten your load right?! So he's either NOT that financially well of or just tight as a duck's butt!

Tell me what do you class as buy everything for you? Coz he sure as hell isn't forth coming about buying all the rent? Do you mean gifts? Hell hunnie that's what all boyfriends do!! Nothing great about that, it's standard lol

It's not the waiting for sex, that's GOOD morals. It's the sleeping together part. This isn't a relationship really, this is all a bit convenient really and thats all

Flower_03 11-14-2004 02:32 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=Typical Girlie]NOOOO Coz if he was THAT financially well off he'd be paying ALL the rent to lighten your load right?! So he's either NOT that financially well of or just tight as a duck's butt!

Tell me what do you class as buy everything for you? Coz he sure as hell isn't forth coming about buying all the rent? Do you mean gifts? Hell hunnie that's what all boyfriends do!! Nothing great about that, it's standard lol

It's not the waiting for sex, that's GOOD morals. It's the sleeping together part. This isn't a relationship really, this is all a bit convenient really and thats all[/QUOTE]

He's not rich- he's only 21. I mean he has more money than I do, and can pay his way. He wouldn't be able to afford paying all the rent- and I wouldn't want him to. I want to pay my share. He doesnt just buy typical presents- he buys me things that I need like a $1200 car alarm, desk chair, pays for my groceries, study lamp, a rug... you know, stuff totally not romantic. I don't expect him to do that (I can pay my way)-- but he just wants to. He just buys them cos he cares I guess and knows I need them.
Also about the morals thing- well that's why we aren't sleeping together- that's why I want separate rooms.

goody2shuz 11-14-2004 02:40 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
[QUOTE=Flower_03]He's not rich- he's only 21. I mean he has more money than I do, and can pay his way. He wouldn't be able to afford paying all the rent- and I wouldn't want him to. I want to pay my share. He doesnt just buy typical presents- he buys me things that I need like a $1200 car alarm, desk chair, pays for my groceries, study lamp, a rug... you know, stuff totally not romantic. I don't expect him to do that (I can pay my way)-- but he just wants to. He just buys them cos he cares I guess and knows I need them.
Also about the morals thing- well that's why we aren't sleeping together- that's why I want separate rooms.[/QUOTE]

Hi Flower...I've been peeking in here & one thing I wonder is how long you think the sleeping in a bed thing will work before you are in a situation morally you don't want? I could understand the sharing a flat together with separate rooms..but you have said yourself that he was hoping you'd share a bed together. Sharing a flat as flatmates and a bed are two different things. Seems to me that he may see this move as an advancement phase in the relationship. I would be certain that you are on the same page when it comes to where this may be bringing your relationship. Is there a lease involved? If there is it might be wise to leave it open so that you can ask him to leave if things don't exactly work out.....Goody

Typical Girlie 11-14-2004 02:59 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
Flower if you are counteracting all our advice with his 'good points', what exactly do you need advice on, u have it sewn up then right? You're content it appears, he's content, wheres the problem then?

vintagegirl 11-14-2004 03:37 PM

Re: Living with boyfriend, but in separate rooms?
 
I believe her initial problem was that she was not sure to 1.) If she wanted him to move in with her, or 2.) How he would react to sleeping in another bed because of her sleeping problems. She said since that first post that she has spoken to him about the whole thing, and seems to be replying the rest of our posts now.

As for couples who don't sleep in the same bed: (snoring, jimmy legs, thrashers, and insomniacs are some of the unfortunate reasons)--that does'nt mean these couples are any less in love. It just sucks. Has anyone here ever seen those sleep documenteries, or slept with someone with these problems? If they want a good night's sleep, they need a king size bed or another sleeing area. It does'nt mean that they do not love them and the rest of their relationship is not good. Christopher Reeve could'nt sleep in the same bed with his wife, but as far as I know, he and his wife were still committed to their relationship regardless of the sleeping arrangement.


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