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StormGirl 12-22-2004 07:39 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
Hey guys... To destiny79, well you may not think you are getting over this guy, but I can tell that you are making some progress at least. It will take a while before you stop wanting to contact him/see him, but you are at the point where you know you won't, no matter how much you want to. Why? Because you know it will be bad for you. So, now you're starting to look after number one, and that, my friend, is PROGRESS!!! Yaay!!! Maybe not a great step, but a step nevertheless. And I may have more memories and history with my man than you, but it doesn't hurt any less does it? When a heart breaks, it breaks. Hang in there girl and keep posting.

To Elated, talk about heartbreak. You break my heart. I know that you are trying to be very brave, and your posts do not reflect how you are REALLY feeling inside. How? Cause I do it everyday. I say inspirational things and things that I know are true, but actually following them... HA!! I'm hopeless. But that's okay, cause we are allowed to feel like this. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. I look at how much my views have changed in the past few weeks, and that is progress for me. Sure, I have some more negative thoughts now, but I try to keep them to a minimum. It's frustrating though cause it's just not happening fast enough for me. I hate the way I feel. I want to be happy again, but I just haven't figured out how to yet. Seriously, it takes a very patient person to talk to me for about 30 minutes before they will get through to me and I will start talking to them. Before that, I just nod or "yes" or "no". And that's not me. I've decided I don't feel bad about sending him the card. Even if he doesn't read it, I feel like I have done the right thing by sending it. I'm not one to hold grudges, cause I think that if you hang on to hate, it really does hinder your progress in healing. The destructive behaviour. Well, the reason I haven't fallen into it is because I don't really have the motivation to go out. All my friends are married with kids etc, so I don't have anyone to drag me out. And actually, I prefer it that way. Maybe people don't think it's right, but it's right for me, and I have never been big on going out etc, so it doesn't bother me. I just don't feel like sharing anything with anyone at the moment, so the temptation is not even there anymore - NOT INTERESTED. Although it's not a good idea to get involved with a guy if you are going to get hurt, it does however, show that you are capable of having feelings for someone else. That's huge. It probably doesn't seem like it, but that is a big step. Try not to get too attached to this guy though, but even if you do get hurt again, remember that you've been at rock bottom and hopefully it will never get that bad again. You obviously feel like you need his company at this time, so go with it. As long as you keep the realistic thoughts there and don't get in too deep. Yes, I also worry that it will all come crashing down on me. And I worry, how will I ever meet someone in the future if I don't go out (but I don't care cause I'm not interested anyway)? There is no use worrying. Just take it day by day as you have been. And it will get easier. You keep saying that you haven't dealt with the ex head on, but in your own way you have. What's right for me, may not be right for you. You know the truth, you know the way things are, you have stopped contacting him because you know you will get hurt. That's dealing with it head on. The pain, of course, is going to linger. You fully know that too. So you sometimes want to avoid it and hide away from it for a while. Who wouldn't? The pain is unbearable. I should be getting back out there but I just don't want to. If I can't be with my man, then I just don't want to be with anyone. But it's different for me cause I'm still living at home and have people around me. You are living on your own, so perhaps you crave human contact a bit more than me (Yikes, I'm trying to hide from all the well meaners). I wish there was something I could say, or perhaps give you the answer that you are looking for. I think the best thing we can do at the moment is edge ourselves along, and take it all bit by bit. It may come crashing down on us one day, but we've been at rock bottom haven't we? And we've crawled our way out a little, and we can do it again. Everything you say to me makes perfect sense Elated. There is nothing you can tell me that would surprise me. We've been dumped in it together, and we'll make our way out together.

Now, what are you doing for Christmas? Are you spending it with family/friends? I hope so. I don't want you to be on your own. Oh, don't I go into big sister mode when you are feeling down!!!

Sorry if I have jumped from topic to topic and not made much sense here. I've been trying to type as fast as my head was working, but I don't think I've succeeded very well. And I've got a shocking headache. And I find that I never make much sense anymore anyway. :rolleyes:

So girls, I'm thinking of you both, and it's great to have friends like you who know the deal. I wish it was a much more pleasant deal, but at least we're in it together huh?

opielonghorn 12-23-2004 08:08 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
hi elated. i just have to tell you, the last paragraph of your most recent post really made my heart ache for you. i am dealing with the same thing right now. it's been almost four months since my boyfriend and i broke up, and i still can't seem to get a handle on things. i know exactly what you are saying when you write that you miss the friendship and not so much the whole boyfriend/girlfriend aspect of it. i just miss him, and the fact that since we have split up he has gone to europe, had a halloween party and a variety of other not-sounding-too-depressed activities rips my heart in two. but understand that in the few moments of clarity that i have from time to time, i realize that of course he misses some aspect of being with me. he would have to be an inhumane robot if he didn't, and if that's the case, then i don't want him anyway. same goes for you and yours. there is just no way that your ex doesn't think about what you're doing, and most certainly does care if you live or die. try to remember that, especially during all these dopey holidays that just make people feel even lousier than they already feel! one more thing that has helped me- i have started to shake things up in a major way in my life in an attempt to get out of this depression over him. i have moved in with a friend, both for companionship and also to save money. i am actively looking for a new day job, and also a night job waitressing or bartending. i am filling my january calendar already with my volunteer work (that i used to do before he came along), my classes, and whatever else i can find. i'm going to do my best to approach this like a giant experiment, like what would happen if i tried x, y, or z? and the next time he sees me, and he will see me, i will be so hot and so confident and so busy, that he will regret it like nobody's business. keep your chin up elated, because as my very wise mother once said: THEY ALL COME BACK. and as my wise shrink says: HIS FEAR OF INTIMACY WILL RUIN ANY SUCCESSIVE RELATIONSHIP HE EVER HAS. we are the ones that are going to be fine, not these guys who can't tell which end from up.

reddoorblack 12-23-2004 08:36 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?

I don't miss the relationship with my ex half as bad as I miss him. The friendship. To have a best friend and then they just disappear...why do relationships have to complicate everything? Why couldn't he have come to me and said "Its just not working" and ended the relationship but at least remained friends with me like he promised he would do? Doesn't he even care if I'm alive? Doesn't he want to hear my voice? Ask about my life? Hell, he doesn't even know if I just took off and moved and got a new job somewhere...its not the fact that he doesn't know, it is the fact that he doesn't care. He really could care less if I was dead or alive and thats what I'm having a hard time dealing with. Okay I've typed a novel..I've just got alot on my mind and I feel like I'm spinning out of control.

Hang in there stormgirl. You're doing better than you think you are. ;)[/QUOTE]

I'm with you on this one!! I thought the same exact thing, many times. Yes, I miss "being" with him but most of all, I just miss him. I was thinking about that just the other day - that what a shame it is. He was the one I shared things with and spent time with. We were friends and I can't even have that now. I also feel that he truly doesn't care if I'm dead or alive. It hurts. This has been a difficult week at work because of all the gatherings and parties. We've been thrown together a lot and I'm having a difficult time dealing with it. I'm back to crying all the time and it makes me angry because I thought I was done with that. Perhaps it's the holiday season that is making it worse. I don't know. Elated, I think just like you do. Why couldn't he just come to me or call me and tell me "it's just not working out" or tell me anything? I'm hiding out in my office today because I don't want to run into him under any circumstances today because I know it will be bad for me tonight and over the weekend. Remember how a little while ago he attempted to talk via IM, joking with me or at me. And, remember how I asked him to stop because it was hurting me. He did. He stuck to his word and hasn't contacted me since. I've wondered if I made a mistake there. If I miss the friendship so much, why did I do that? I can't make sense of any of this.

It breaks my heart to read all of these posts about lost love/breaking up/pain. We all have such similar stories. Somebody recently told me that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I don't know if I believe that or not but I hope each day for strength.

StormGirl - my heart goes out to you! Reading your thread brought back a lot of memories of recent 4 month journey. You're doing great. Be good to yourself. Have the best holiday you can possibly have.

elatedgiraffe 12-23-2004 08:51 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
Your post literally brought tears to my eyes. You are such an awesome girl with a great heart. Man, did your guy make a big mistake. :rolleyes: So many people are selfish and you stormgirl are really so giving, understanding, and a true friend. It is funny how much you touch me through a computer screen. <hug>, my holiday buddy.

I know it is not happening fast enough..I think that is a problem with our generation. We live in a quick fix society. When we're hungry we go through a drive-through, when we are sick emotionally and physically we pop a pill, when we're bored with one television station we have hundreds of others to choose from. So unfortunatly when it comes to heartbreak we have to learn patience. Patience is not something we're used to practicing, especially when it hurts so bad and we just want to hurt to go away. I know you just want to close your eyes and wake up in a few months without the too. Remember I am a couple steps ahead of you and know all too well the feeling of not wanting to go out. I'm not a big go-outer either AND like you, most of my friends are married and/or have children. I'm not sure how I started to venture out...I guess I couldn't deal with the pain, resorting to hanging out with local college kids in my complex and people a couple years younger than me who are still single. Most of the time if I'm hanging out it is with the married ones, but they are people who care about me and that feels good. Thanks for not judging me about this "friends with benefits" guy. I haven't told many people in fear of their responses. It means alot that you understand. In fact, I feel much better about the situation as I got some good rest last night and have a clearer head about it all. You're right that I have developed feelings for someone other than my ex and that does give me hope. I no longer have the "I'll never feel this way again" thought. Of course, these feelings are different...but I'm able to find others attractive again without feeling sick. I'm able to think about another guy and I'm able to think about the idea of a future relationship wih some lucky guy oneday. It will come in time for you too. New years I'll probably spend with married couples. I need to meet more single people because I just can't relate that well to several of my friends. I'd love to meet a really cool girl to go out and party with and meet guys. Gosh, I sound 15 again. It kind of feels like it too. For Christmas I'll see my family and once again, my married friends.

I'm starting to realize things about the relationship that weren't so good. Even though I've had many relationships when we're in one for awhile we get accustomed to how things operate within the relationship. He had many wonderful qualities, but there are some things that he couldn't provide me with...emotionally. He had ADD so no wonder he wasn't always very attentive to me. We could never just lay in bed for hours...I know oneday that I can be happy with someone else. Nobody is perfect, but hanging out with this guy has shown me some qualities in a guy that I've missed but didn't realize it. And if I'm alone forvever thats okay too. I'm looking into a local paralegal program and there is a good chance I can get in. I wouldn't start for about 8 months but it will only be 1-2 years since I already have a Bachelor's degree.

I'm not sure what the future holds and there are no guarantees, but now I having some hope. Hope that I'll find a guy to marry oneday. Hope that I'll get a career going and make enough to support myself and some. So if things don't work out with someone then I won't be financially stuck. I realize I have alot to offer. I think I'm attractive and I'm one of those women who sticks it out even through the tough times. Thats hard to find nowadays.

Stormgirl, you're just weeks behind me. As soon as you go weeks without contact you'll start feeling better. I promise. I didn't think I could ever feel this good again. I mean I have awful moments, but I can laugh sometimes now. I see life differently and try not to take things, including relationships too seriously. We can only count on 2 things in life: ourselves and God. Everything else we can loose in a heartbeat. This is one of those times, stormgirl. When we realize to not take things/people for granted. To REALLY enjoy the good times because bad times are ahead, people leave us, people die on us...we have to really understand this before we invest in something again. Thats what I'm working on. Hang in there! It will get better and I see so much progress in you. That advice you give to others you'll start taking. You have the logic you just have to apply it; which I notice you already are. Okay, chin up; WATCH OUT WORLD cause to wonderful ladies are emerging! :)

elatedgiraffe 12-23-2004 09:03 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
Wow..thank you for your post. It is so good to know that others know EXACTLY how I feel. This board is great! It has been about 3 months since my break up. I know the holidays, halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years..all without him. I guess if we get through this time of the year, we'll get through it all. I'm also re-evaluating my life. I'm probably going to really start looking for a new job this January. I'm trying to meet new people. I have looked into going back to school and find something other than this Psychology degree to make ends meat. I like the idea of this being a giant experiment. Thats an awesome approach and I'll use that too. In reality, it really is. God is watching to see how we handle this. We can make positives out of this negative. Someone once said in here that it is not life's downfalls that shape us; it is the way we deal with those downfalls that shape us. I hope they can't be like robots..I really wonder if he thinks of me.

I was wondering how you are doing!??? I wanted to ask, but we can't on here anymore so I was waiting for you to emerge from somewhere. I don't think you made a mistake telling him no more dumb IM's. This all would be even harder if you did have contact with him. I give you credit, you work with the guy and that is much harder than me! You know I've heard too, that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I've also heard "what doesn't kill us makes us wish it did" :jester:

It is wonderful that we can all come here and share our heartache. We are all more alike than I ever imagined. Thank you all..I don't know how I would have got even this far without this forum and everyone's replies. They all help me so much in oneway or another

StormGirl 12-23-2004 04:33 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
Your post literally brought tears to my eyes. You are such an awesome girl with a great heart. Man, did your guy make a big mistake. :rolleyes: So many people are selfish and you stormgirl are really so giving, understanding, and a true friend. It is funny how much you touch me through a computer screen. <hug>, my holiday buddy.[/QUOTE]

Hey Elated, you have no idea how much I feel the same. I always get a little teary when I read your posts. I guess it's overwhelming that someone can care so much.

You know, you've raised a good point. We sit around and feel bad because of the things we are missing about them. But what about the things we aren't missing about them? I think the thing that I miss least is the worrying and pressure of trying to maintain a relationship all by myself. I wish I had of had the luxury of being able to sit back and just go with things while someone else put in all the hard yards. I guess sometimes we forget the not so good things and concentrate way too much on the good things. We need to concentrate on the not so goods, so we can stop selling ourselves short.

I am so proud to see you feeling inspired again Elated. I know some of it may be show, but it's good to at least hear that you are thinking about those things... and looking to the future. I'd never judge you Elated. When I broke up from my first long term boyfriend I did the same thing. And you know, at the time it was the right thing for me. Now, I just feel safe in my own little world and don't want to let anyone in. There are other reasons that I know I shouldn't feel, but I do. Firstly, you know how he said he still loved me unless I'd given him reason to? Well I guess that stills plays on my mind a little. I shouldn't care how he would feel, but I do. And it helps me to feel guilt free. I suppose I'm still hoping a little. Obviously I am not really interested either. I just think that if this relationship didn't work out, I don't want to be in one for a while, or any semblance of one. And... are you ready for this one... I haven't bothered doing my bikini line for some time (I am very pedantic about my bikini line), so there's NO WAY I'm gonna let anyone anywhere near me!!! :jester: HAHAHAHA!!! See I told you we all cope in different ways!!!

I've come to the conclusion that I don't care if I am alone. I really do, but I try to convince myself that it's okay if I am. I suppose it helps us hey? It just annoys me that all my friends are married/kids etc and most don't even appreciate it. And here's me, for the past 11 years trying to accomplish what they have and... well, here I am talking about it. This isn't how I had imagined my life would be, but it's now time to take stock and try to change the things that I do have control over. It's disappointing that I grew up thinking my life would be a certain way, and the dream fell apart one day. But watching you be brave Elated, I know that I can do it too.

I have to admit that I nearly called/messaged him last night. I didn't, but it's the closest I've been in some time to doing it. I don't know why... I guess I still have the fantasy that he will wake up one day and realise what a mistake he's made in the way he has treated me and charge up to find me and beg me to give him another chance. HA, talk about watching too many movies. I guess we can all dream can't we? Maybe it's with Christmas coming. I haven't had a Christmas without a boyfriend for the last 11 years, but seeing that I'm almost 27, I think I'm a big girl now and can handle it. I actually don't even mind being on my own, it's just that I don't want to be here without him. Anyway... enough!!!

Elated, I hear what your saying about nothing being certain. But again, I have to tell you not to let the bitterness of what has happened affect you. Yes you may be a little wary next time, but don't go into something always thinking that the bad will come. It may not. And your ability to keep giving and loving when you feel that all is lost, well that's what makes you so special. Don't ever lose that. It's what makes us good people. And if nothing else goes right, at least we can look inside ourselves and be happy and proud with the good people that we are. Not everyone can do that. The people who have hurt us will one day look inside and feel empty and unsatisfied. We never will because we haven't hurt anyone, and have always been giving and loving, even when our chips were down... we still fought on.

I am really so proud of you Elated. Your inspiration may not be a reality yet, but the intention to make the most of your future and march on is there, just brewing and will grow stronger everyday. You are a truly beautiful person, and God will not overlook that. :angel:

PS. rd, where you at? How are things rolling along for you? Give us an update?

Destiny79 12-24-2004 02:00 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
HI ya Stormgirl, Elated, and everyone else having bloke problems this xmas. Sucks doesn't it? This should be a joyful time but instead we're all miserable and through no fault of our own. Men eh? They don't deserve us! Anyway, just wanted to wish you all a Happy Christmas, or at least an okay one and to let you all know that I will be thinking of you all over christmas when we're sitting down eating our xmas dinner, with our family or friends, trying to look happy, missing our man. Having another bad day again today, really really want to see him. On my mind all the time. The worse thing is that I know where he is as we speak and I am trying so hard to not just get into my car and go and see him. He's at the gym right now, I left my gym stuff at home so I wouldn't be tempted, but I just wanna go home and get it and then go see him. One minute I'm adament that I won't as I don't want my xmas spoilt even more than it already is, the next minute I think sod it, I need to see him otherwise I'l just miss him more over xmas. it's so hard to believe everyone when they tell me it will be worse if I do see him as I don't see how I could possible feel any worse than I already am! Really trying, but beginning to slip, don't know if I can hold out anymore, getting weaker!!!! Might just crack! Already deliberating what time to go! Wrong I know but help. Give me strength. Maybe you're all wrong and It will actually make me feel better if I see him! (Kidding myself I know) Heeeelp! Honestly don't think I'm gonna hold out.

elatedgiraffe 12-24-2004 07:30 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
Hey! The bikini line thing made me laugh! :jester: You know for about 5 weeks I wore the same black pants to work everyday? I had no effort to put together an outfit. I'd barely have the energy to shower and then just throw my hair back into a bun. I didn't clean my apartment for 6 weeks...and then it happened..I came home from work one night and cried laying on the couch. I looked around and said "thats it! I can't take it anymore" and started cleaning like a psycho. I've kept it pretty clean since.

I have to admit too, that last Saturday after a couple beers and listening to "country love songs" until 4 a.m. I almost called my ex. I wanted to yell at him and ask him "why?". I was ready to drive to his house and beat down the front door and demand answers. It just isn't fair and I wanted to know what the hell went on in his little mind. I wanted him to be confronted and not have anywhere to run to. I wanted him to be a man and step up! I wanted him to see me and have some feelings come rushing back. I was tired of him pretending I don't exist because I do exist and am alive and wanted him to be forced to see that. Then the logic kicked in and I called a friend and asked him not to let me call him. He talked me out of it and I went to bed. Then the next morning, the urge was gone. A little setback..just like yours. We'll have them and thats normal. Tuesday will be 4 weeks since I last contacted him. I'm so happy because I never thought I could do this. You too will get here, I promise. Remember I'm a couple steps ahead of you and guiding you through.

I know I didn't see my life like this at all. But the thing is life has its natural course and we have to accept that. It is good to have goals, but it is also good to realize that things happen and OFTEN life isn't what we picture it to be. We have to leave some room in our plans for bad things to happen. We have to get to a point within ourselves that no matter what happens, who leaves us, who hurts us that we'll be okay. Thats where I'm trying to be at. I think part of growing up is realizing this. We have to roll with the punches, stormgirl.

We have great things to come. We're so young. We're at rock bottom so it has to get better. I'm really focusing on my family and friends because they love me for me. They have been here for me through this time. And all these friends that are married. Well let me tell you, some of them are very unhappy. Some are married to men who aren't there for them emotionally. My mom said "it is better to be alone than wishing you were alone". Can you imagine being married and "stuck" with someone who makes you feel like our men have made us feel? That has to be more of a lonely feeling than what we're going through. Marriage isn't all it is cracked up to be. First you have to marry the right person and in our case we haven't found him yet. I'm glad that this ended before an engagment or marriage. It hurts, yes, but hell it would have been way worse if this continued longer and he bailed on me. I know that this is for the best. I've known this since it happened. If he does this to me and treats me like this then hes not worth my hand in marriage. I have alot to offer so he better have alot to give too or he ain't gonna have me.

So here we are..CHRISTMAS. Everyone hang in there. We'll make it through this. Remember each of us when you find yourself struggling because somewhere is one of us posters struggling too. When you look up at the stars wondering how on earth did it get to this point theres another one of us thinking the same thing probably looking at the same star. So don't feel alone because many people care about you. We'll look back on this time and smile because we'll see how much we've grown. When we meet the right guy we'll be thanking these guys for letting us go. Thats going to be a great day!

Take care stormgirl this weekend and the rest of you! Lets make good come out of these crappy situations.

StormGirl 12-26-2004 12:32 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
Hey all... hope you all had a wonderful Christmas under the circumstances!!! I hope that being with family and friends bought some comfort to anyone feeling down.

Elated, your mum is very wise. That saying "better to be alone than wishing that you were alone" really made me think. It's one of those sayings that really make you take a good look at things. And it's true. Elated, how did you hold up this Christmas? I hope it wasn't too sad for you. I did pretty well actually, it's hard to even get a thought to yourself when you contend with my family all talking at the same time :D ! My sister was in a FOUL mood too (don't know why), so I was sort of keeping the peace a little... she is prone to causing arguments when she's like that. I was a little lonely, especially now that my sister has moved out and I had to open my presents on my own in the morning. But then my mum, dad and grandmother joined me, and then my sister, her husband and their maniac puppy came in the afternoon for lunch. My lovely, loyal dog kept me amused too. I bought her some Shrek doggie toys for Christmas and she loved them!!! So what started off as a quiet day ended up in havoc and I couldn't wait for the evening so I could have a nap on my full belly!!!

Well, we have started talking again. Not in depth conversations, but a start. He messaged me to thank me for the Christmas card and went on to tell me that he misses me alot and I can take the car back whenever I want. I told him I wasn't interested in the car (least of my concerns really). I told him that I miss him too, but that it was his choice that things were this way. He said that he never said that he didn't love me. And I told him that he didn't say he did either, and his actions proved otherwise. He has always been very afraid to tell me how he really feels... like he thinks that if he does I will turn around and laugh at him and say that the past 6 years has been a practical joke on him or something???

I guess that for weeks now I have been wanting some of this to happen. But now that their has been some initial contact (nothing to get excited about mind you), I am afraid. I am afraid to step back into that relationship zone. Yet I am afraid if I don't as well. I'm standing on the fence and do not know which way to go. I am becoming accustomed to being on my own and not have the stress of making a relationship work, yet I was very sad at the same time. I was slowly, slowly moving on and I feel like I've been yanked back again, and although I want to go, I also hesitate in fear. Well I guess I haven't really been yanked back, but I can certainly feel a slight pull. I am not afraid of having my heartbroken again, cause that could happen with anyone, but I am afraid of wasting my time and feeling foolish.

Well I suppose that I still don't really have any choice but to keep going the way I have been. It's not like he's made this huge effort and professed his undying love for me or anything. It was just some short conversations. Funnily enough though, I don't feel like I have taken any steps back. I am still in this same place. Sort of like I am watching all of this unfold from the outside. It's weird.

Anyway, enough of me. It's pretty quiet on the boards, which I hope I can take as a good sign that everyone is busy enjoying the season with loved ones, family and friends!!! :)

Destiny79 12-26-2004 02:59 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
Hi Stormgirl,

Glad to hear that your man contacted you, I always think it's better to hear from someone, even if it doesn't really tell you much. I'm glad you had a nice xmas. I still haven't seen my man, but I couldn't hold out and I did text him xmas eve and wish him a merry xmas, to wish he replied 'Merry xmas Sexy, have a good day.', which brought a smile to my face. However, I know I shouldn;t but I text him today, saying I'd be at the gym tomorrow if he fancied joining me. he text me back saying he's meeting his mate at 10am and that it would be a bit too early for me. What a git. I really was hoping he's wait for me, but to say it would be too early for me, is a pretty obvious way of saying thanks but no-thanks. I'm quite upset actually as I really thought he would want to see me as he rang me last Friday saying that if I got some fee time next week, I could come round to his house (for sex!). I find it so hard to believe that he would put off seeing me tomorrow as ( without sounding too vain) I am a very attractive girl who he says he really fancies. Yet he says ' it would be a bit too early for me'. He knows I like a lie in on my days off till about 11, so know that if he's meeting his mate at 10am then I wouldn;t make it. little does he know that I like him so much I would get up at 4am if it meant seeing him. Why is he being like this? I really can't understand how he didn;t say 'i'm meeting my mate at 10 am but your welcome to join us. Why is he so mean? I miss him, Want to see him but I'm not going to rise to it and be there for 10am as he obviously doesn't really give a damn about me. Am I reading this right Stormgirl?

From upset Destiny79

StormGirl 12-26-2004 04:05 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
Oh Destiny... I had a feeling that you would contact him - call it female intuition!!! I'm not going to tell you that you did the wrong thing though, cause I know what it's like. Overall, it is the wrong thing to do, but everyone is different and has different ways of coping, and it seems to have made you feel a little better, then made you feel sad again. Who am I to say anyway...???

Correct me if I'm wrong, but he does have a girlfriend right? First of all, I think what he is doing to her is wrong. And if you were to end up with him, don't you think he'd only do the same thing to you? Also, if you know that he would only ask you to see him for sex, why would you bother? It will never make you happy because you'd want more, and I would certainly say that you deserve more. I'm sure that you are very attractive, have a lovely personality, and have alot to give someone... so why would you settle for anything less than what you deserve? I know, cause you love him. I don't mean to sound horrible, but I don't think he loves you. He probably likes you very much and he probably gets from you whatever is lacking in his relationship with his girlfriend, but remember, he has made the choice to be with her... and is now using you because you probably make him feel good. Mind you, these are only my observations. I don't know the whole circumstances, but regardless, I am not going to stop telling you that you deserve better!!! :) It's easy to forget the bad things, but remember what he did to you when you were "together". He lied and practically used you physically as well as emotionally. Does that sound like someone who loves you? I know that if I found out my bf had been with another woman, or ever chose another woman over me, I would never go back. No excuses, no explanations. You make your bed, so lie in it. If he has to go somewhere else to decide if he really loves me, then he's not worth my time. I remember when my first boyfriend told me that he had decided to be with someone else (after keeping me around for about 8 months while he tested the waters), I said okay, I wish you all the best. We'd been together for 5 years, and everyone thought that we would get back together etc etc etc. But there was no way. And believe me, he tried. And I missed him, but there was not a chance of taking him back after he looked into my eyes and told me that he had made the choice to be with someone else, and that he thought it was a good decision. When it turned out it wasn't... oh well, too bad. I'd moved on and was happy with my current boyfriend. I just see it as the ultimate betrayal, and once you make a decision like that, you gotta be prepared to stick with it.

Destiny, I wish you could see things the way that I do, but I know exactly how you feel. It seems to me that he is only using you and doesn't seem too concerned with your feelings, and I wish so much more for you. Don't feel guilty about contacting him, sometimes it is the only way to let go. When you get kicked in the teeth so many times, you realise that it's not worth it anymore. I know that you want it to happen so badly, but truth is, he has a girlfriend that he seems in no hurry to leave. So this meeting up with him etc, is not only deceiving his girlfriend, but you are only deceiving yourself.

I would dearly love to tell you that things are going to be okay. And eventually they will, but most likely, not with him. With all of your wonderful attributes, you should have no problems finding guys who actually want to be with YOU, and treat you like a queen. You just have to give it some time, and allow yourself time to heal from this one. I hate to be the bringer of bad news, and I hate to think that I might hurt your feelings, but you know deep down that it's true also.

You are a sweet girl, and I only want what's best for you. I would like to see you happy, not torn. And to tell you the truth, I don't think this guy deserves to have such a wonderful girl like you.

elatedgiraffe 12-28-2004 07:37 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
Christmas for me was okay. Well, it was the worst Christmas ever, but it is over now. I'm not sure what to think about your guy. I just wish he'd figure out what he wants and quit this pushing and pulling game hes been playing. It is so normal to get anxious and scared when you feel that pull. This guy just ripped your heart out and stepped all over it and the thought of getting close to him again of course is going to make you hesitant. It is nice to hear that maybe he is coming around and realizes what a great catch you are. There is nothing wrong with you talking with him, but make sure you are cautious about it all. At least he still calls you...I thought that maybe, just maybe, my ex would at least call and leave a "merry christmas" message..but nothing. 2 1/2 years with someone that you plan to marry and this is what I get? I'm dead to him...just non-existant. And to top it off Christmas evening my "friends with benefits" guy informed me that he does not want a relationship with me...which I know and I don't want one with him...but I guess I wanted to feel a little wanted. I wanted to feel like I'm worth being loved and worth having a relationship with. I know that I am, but after my ex left it made me question that and now it makes me question it more. I don't know why it bothers me because I can't handle a relationship right now and have told him the same thing. I swear my head is all messed up. I don't even make sense to myself anymore.

So proceed with your guy with caution. If he does come running back, make him beg. Make him understand that NEVER EVER if you get back with him can he pull this crap again. In fact, as you have said you are starting to get used to being single and aren't even sure if you can go back. Love is forgiving, yes, but sometimes when someone does this to us we can't trust that they won't do it again. You can't help but wonder how did he just ignore you and let you that love? So hang in there and keep us updated! Glad to hear you held up well for Christmas!

StormGirl 12-28-2004 08:22 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
Hey Elated. Well I suppose we made the best of Christmas and got through, and that's all that matters. It's 3am here and I can't sleep. I think I got excited over nothing, cause he's back to his old ways of ignoring me again. Didn't last long did it? He is okay if we just make idle chit chat, but once the talk becomes serious about what happened, he just switches off and doesn't want to talk anymore. But I can't be expected to just pretend that it didn't happen and cover over all the emotions. Not this time. Seriously, I ask him questions to try and get him to open up, and he just says nothing. Just nothing. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to be trying to sort things out with someone and they are just sitting on the phone saying absolutely nothing? Well, I guess you do. :rolleyes:

Trust me Elated, your ex hasn't forgotten about you. How could he - he may be a coward, but he can't be completely heartless (can he???)? He probably just knows how much contacting you was hurting you, but it doesn't mean that he isn't thinking of you. Actually, I'm giving him waaaaay too much credit here. What I should say is.... you were probably in his thoughts, but he was too much of a coward to have the decency for a merry christmas. Some people are just like this, and they will never measure up to being half the person you are. I can understand how you feel about your "friends with benefits" guy. But you know that you are not ready for a relationship anyway, and it would have only screwed with your head a little more. It's nice to feel wanted, but it's not like you have any problems attracting males, and you know it. You just need to find one that will make you feel like you are ready to get into a relationship again. He will be the one that changes things around for you. You don't sound like your not making sense at all. I know. You just can't manage to be in a relationship right now, but you just need certain things to help you through and to remember that you are wanted, loved, desirable and to pick back up your shattered self worth etc etc. Doesn't seem too much to ask does it? Especially after the grief you have felt through no fault of your own. Why do we ask for so little, and yet get even less than that? Do we deserve this torture? I don't know, maybe to make us stronger and more prepared for next time. I'm sure that there is a reason for this to have happened to us. No one could be that cruel without a reason.

Well, hopefully I can go back to sleep soon. Been having frightful nightmares and bad dreams. And as soon as I wake up, it's like reality is just waiting for me, ready to laugh in my face and kick me in the stomach.

Keep scrambling out of that hole, my friend. Don't fall, cause I may go with you!!!! Soon we'll be okay and will be able to start a whole new adventure for ourselves. The New Year really will be a new year for us!!! ;)

elatedgiraffe 12-28-2004 09:48 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
[QUOTE=StormGirl] He is okay if we just make idle chit chat, but once the talk becomes serious about what happened, he just switches off and doesn't want to talk anymore. But I can't be expected to just pretend that it didn't happen and cover over all the emotions. Not this time. Seriously, I ask him questions to try and get him to open up, and he just says nothing. Just nothing. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to be trying to sort things out with someone and they are just sitting on the phone saying absolutely nothing? Well, I guess you do. :rolleyes:


Yes, stormgirl, unfortunately yes I do know how awful that is. When me and my ex were still speaking it was the same thing. He would avoid my calls, etc., but when I called and asked him for example a question about my computer or how his day was he was ready to talk. Whenever I started asking him about us...nothing. An "I don't know right now" or an "I don't feel well right now, call you later"..or "I can't talk right now"....after weeks of replies like this is when I lost it. Demanding answers and closure and as you know he failed to do either. Thats when I had it. I couldn't take it anymore. And you're right there has to be a reason. I have faith in that. I know that this is all for the best. I hate that hes playing these games with you. Its going to take alot of strength to figure out whats best for YOU. You have control in this situation too. You have an opinion as to what you want. Don't forget that. I hope you get some sleep without the nightmares..thanks so much for your support. You have helped me so much.

SophiaM 12-28-2004 11:50 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
Oh, it must be so incredibly frustrating. Unfortunately, I think the best thing would be to tell your ex's to stop calling altogether. They have to face the decision of either making up their mind or losing you girls altogether. I'm not saying it's easy, but ultimately prolonging the agony is probably more painful and frustrating, as you know. I made a mistake of being "friends' with my ex fiancee for almost a year after we broke up---what an exercise in futility and bathing in masochism that was. I do not advise anyone to do it.

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