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elatedgiraffe 01-04-2005 11:08 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Goody-
Thank you SO much for your reply. I do think that no matter what I could have done in my past relationship, it just wasn't meant to be. I do agree that maybe he just wasn't the right one for me. I have gave up alot of my controlling/obsessive thoughts weeks/months ago because I had to. I trust in God and in life that there was a reason for this. What I'm worried about is that I think deep down I knew it wasn't right, but I stayed anyway. Often I get too attached to men too quick and as I'm here single almost 26 I see that what I have been doing doesn't work. Normally a guy is more interested in me first than I am in him. Overtime I get attached and of course it never works out. Even with this "friend" of mine. If he was interested in a relationship, I'd probably have one with him even though I know that in the long run we aren't compatible. Make sense? I need to figure out what it is I want from a guy. I'm not even sure who I am anymore and its a scary feeling. I feel comfort when you said that people are always changing, etc. Maybe thats it...I'm just changing..maybe I haven't lost myself, I'm just changing and it feels really uneasy right now. I just have this gut feeling that things will never work out for me. I have this feeling that I'm so messed up in the head that I won't have a lasting relationship, ever. That I fall in love for all the wrong reasons.

So, I have let go of my ex. I am learning that I can't control everything and am trying to let life happen naturally. In the meantime of all this I feel that I need to make changes and choices, yet I have no idea what they are. If I just did what made me happy in the moment then in the long run I'd be in some serious trouble...so I am trying to figure out if I do what makes me happy for the moment or do what is best in the long run...and to find that will power.

goody2shuz 01-04-2005 11:23 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe] So, I have let go of my ex. I am learning that I can't control everything and am trying to let life happen naturally. In the meantime of all this I feel that I need to make changes and choices, yet I have no idea what they are. If I just did what made me happy in the moment then in the long run I'd be in some serious trouble...so I am trying to figure out if I do what makes me happy for the moment or do what is best in the long run...and to find that will power.[/QUOTE]

So..go with this, it's a start. Yes..it's time you learn what will make you happy. Try to take the pressure off of yourself that you have to be married by a certain age and have kids and be settled down. Right now you know that you are not ready for that at all. You won't be until you are standing on your own two feet feeling confident and loving who you are. Nobody is perfect Elated, we all make mistakes and wrong choices...and learn from them. If that weren't so there would be nobody here to respond to you.

I think you may be being a little too hard on yourself. Give yourself a break and let up....you're a great person who just needs time to get reacquainted with herself. Perhaps start by getting that Dr. Phil book..can't say that I read it but it makes a lot of sense "Self Matters"...you matter Elated and you need to expose yourself to positive things...don't allow the negative in life to get you down. Positive thoughts bring positive outcomes. Do not allow yourself to think or be around negative. Type up some positive phrases and post them throughout your home, at your workplace and whenever a negative thought comes to mind read one of them to put you back on track. It's a start...try it :D :D I want you to try to pick out a book that you will read such as the one that I suggested that will help point you in the right direction. Take yourself to a bookstore and look through the self help books and I WANT YOU TO POST WHAT YOU PICKED OUT.....do it ASAP. Can you??? I've been here with you watching you tread water in the sea of life...it's time you start to swim ashore....Goody :angel:

elatedgiraffe 01-04-2005 11:42 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Goody-
I have been reading "Purpose Driven Life"-by Rick Warren
I have the self matters book so I may pull that off the dusty shelf. Also, I'm reading Co-dependent No-more and I read "Hes just not that into you". Thanks for your support it means alot. Many people have always told me I'm too hard on myself. I don't really see that I am. If I really just let go and did whatever I wanted I'd be engaging in some negative things. I've been down that path..so I'm fighting that and I guess thats why it seems that I'm hard on myself, otherwise I'll be really on the wrong page. It will help temporaily and it will make me happy. Thats where I have the battle. Things I enjoy and make me happy aren't good in the long run. So without those things and without a relationship I feel empty. I try and engage in positive things and meet positive people but it just doesn't feel right. I just don't connect with others like that. Things that make me happy are bad things...so I'm a little confused.

goody2shuz 01-04-2005 12:04 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]Goody-
I have been reading "Purpose Driven Life"-by Rick Warren
I have the self matters book so I may pull that off the dusty shelf. Also, I'm reading Co-dependent No-more and I read "Hes just not that into you". Thanks for your support it means alot. Many people have always told me I'm too hard on myself. I don't really see that I am. If I really just let go and did whatever I wanted I'd be engaging in some negative things. I've been down that path..so I'm fighting that and I guess thats why it seems that I'm hard on myself, otherwise I'll be really on the wrong page. It will help temporaily and it will make me happy. Thats where I have the battle. Things I enjoy and make me happy aren't good in the long run. So without those things and without a relationship I feel empty. I try and engage in positive things and meet positive people but it just doesn't feel right. I just don't connect with others like that. Things that make me happy are bad things...so I'm a little confused.[/QUOTE]

Elated...usually when we engage in self destructive behavior it is all due to our lack of self worth. You need to start there...think about it, if one really truly cares about herself would she drink until she blacks out or use drugs that are addictive and can take her away from having a good life. Or become intimate with just anyone exposing themselves to STD's and the sort. It takes a person who really doesn't see the value of themselves to do such things. (Please..I am not saying that you have done or will do these things) I think you may be confusing happiness with a way of life that keeps you from truly living it.

I just grabbed "Self Matters" off my shelf and the very first thing I looked at are the words you need most to hear.."Remember...you cannot change what you do not acknowledge"....I want you to go to page 31 the second paragraph...let me know what you think....Goody :angel:

elatedgiraffe 01-04-2005 12:28 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]Elated...usually when we engage in self destructive behavior it is all due to our lack of self worth. You need to start there...think about it, if one really truly cares about herself would she drink until she blacks out or use drugs that are addictive and can take her away from having a good life. Or become intimate with just anyone exposing themselves to STD's and the sort. It takes a person who really doesn't see the value of themselves to do such things. (Please..I am not saying that you have done or will do these things) I think you may be confusing happiness with a way of life that keeps you from truly living it.

I just grabbed "Self Matters" off my shelf and the very first thing I looked at are the words you need most to hear.."Remember...you cannot change what you do not acknowledge"....I want you to go to page 31 the second paragraph...let me know what you think....Goody :angel:[/QUOTE]


Good point. I guess I need to start at square one...finding the value of myself. I am confusing happiness with a way of life that is truly keeping me from living it. Right now, life seems so painful to me so that "lifestyle" is the only thing that makes me happy right now. I feel like the only way to have a good life is to just do what makes me happy at the time; unfortunately in the long run these behaviors will come back and bite me. Maybe I'm battling with finding my self worth....things make me happy, but deep down I know that I shouldn't be engaging in them. So that must be my self-worth talking, right? I wish I could afford therapy, but right now I can't...not even income based..I can barely pay my bills this month. In fact I had to put some bills on a credit card. I will look at the book when I get home, page 31. I'm at work right now and don't have the book. Thanks so much Goody. Promise me everything will be okay? I'm not far off from the self destructive behaviors you described. I know its not the right way to go about things, but honestly to me it feels like the only way.

goody2shuz 01-04-2005 01:11 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]Good point. I guess I need to start at square one...finding the value of myself. I am confusing happiness with a way of life that is truly keeping me from living it. Right now, life seems so painful to me so that "lifestyle" is the only thing that makes me happy right now. I feel like the only way to have a good life is to just do what makes me happy at the time; unfortunately in the long run these behaviors will come back and bite me. Maybe I'm battling with finding my self worth....things make me happy, but deep down I know that I shouldn't be engaging in them. So that must be my self-worth talking, right? I wish I could afford therapy, but right now I can't...not even income based..I can barely pay my bills this month. In fact I had to put some bills on a credit card. I will look at the book when I get home, page 31. I'm at work right now and don't have the book. Thanks so much Goody. Promise me everything will be okay? I'm not far off from the self destructive behaviors you described. I know its not the right way to go about things, but honestly to me it feels like the only way.[/QUOTE]

Elated...Everything will be okay...you obviously care about yourself enough to come here to revent yourself from going back to your old ways. They didn't really make you happy...perhaps they were a temporary fix but when you were facing life the way you should you were in pain and trying to find a way out of it. Don't take the quick fix...do what you need to do to realize that you are worth so much more than that.

Okay..you don't have money but you have the dusty book at home. Read page 31 and if it makes any sense then go to the beginning and really give it a try. Sometimes when we have to do something to help ourselves it becomes too much of a chore but promise yourself that you'll start with what you've got. It's a start and I will make an effort to read some of it as well along with you if you feel it may help. We all can use a refresher course on how to better love ourselves. What do you think??? My kids are home and I need to put my attentions there but I will check back in later or tomorrow sometime. And don't go back to your old ways...you've come too far to go back there again. If you find yourself slipping...come here or read a chapter do something constructive and stay away from the things that can be destructive or negative in your life. It's a start..so start swimming and keep your head out of the water and kick hard..we're heading for shore ;) ..Goody :angel:

heartlandguy 01-04-2005 02:12 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
EG, Goody is giving you fantastic advice and support. I don’t want to interfere with her efforts; rather, I’d like to make an observation.

You said “[B]Things I enjoy and make me happy aren't good in the long run.[/B]” Based on what you have written this last week, it appears those [B]things[/B] actually “drown your sorrows” rather than make you happy. Many behaviors besides drinking alcohol can drown your sorrows and give you a temporary sense of well-being. Just remember that a temporary sense of well-being doesn’t lead to happiness in the long run. It is important to be able to differentiate between happiness and killing the pain. Good luck, EG.

elatedgiraffe 01-04-2005 02:20 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]EG, Goody is giving you fantastic advice and support. I don’t want to interfere with her efforts; rather, I’d like to make an observation.

You said “[B]Things I enjoy and make me happy aren't good in the long run.[/B]” Based on what you have written this last week, it appears those [B]things[/B] actually “drown your sorrows” rather than make you happy. Many behaviors besides drinking alcohol can drown your sorrows and give you a temporary sense of well-being. Just remember that a temporary sense of well-being doesn’t lead to happiness in the long run. It is important to be able to differentiate between happiness and killing the pain. Good luck, EG.[/QUOTE]

Oh, I'm first to admit that I'm killing the pain. But I don't know what else to do sometimes, you know? Thanks for your response..I'm so glad I have you guys. I'll start a thread if need be because I feel like I've stepped all over stormgirl's thread.

opielonghorn 01-04-2005 03:57 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
eg, before you start your own thread (and i can't find you!), i just wanted to let you know a few things. i am a little bit ahead of you in the grieving process by a couple of weeks, and i have recently had a breakthrough. over new years' i took a vacation to visit a friend and i just started realizing how dumb my ex-boyfriend was to let me go. he really and truly is an idiot. before i didn't want to think that, because i was all sad and full of 'but i love him!'. now, i'm just sort of disgusted. and it happened so suddenly for me, to realize this. you will find this also. as far as the bad habits go- i have exactly the same problem, but i'm finding that lessening also. right after the breakup (literally, within the hour!), i found myself sitting on a sidewalk on a newspaper, hysterical, with a friend lighting a cigarette and placing it in my hand. i couldn't even walk. she took me home and immediately made me a very strong drink! i know this doesn't sound like she was being a good friend, but in her own way, she was. plus she's a bartender, so it was instinct. anyway, as the months wore on, i found myself smoking like a fiend, when i had only been a very occasional smoker in the past, drinking too much, and feeling guiltier and sadder in the process. but it's cyclical, which is the problem. i did these things, then beat myself up over them. so my advice to you is this: do the best you can, and when you screw up sometimes, remember that it's okay, and you're not going to be like this forever. it's clearly not your nature to be like this. you've been okay in the past, and you'll be okay in the future. i have never been more sure of anything. and when you have your own realization about how silly this guy is, i will be thrilled to hear about it!

StormGirl 01-05-2005 01:16 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Elated, your always welcome on this thread. Remember, we are so much alike, that your advice is my advice also!!! :D

Well I read what you wrote up here, and I couldn't remember if you wrote it or I did. It sums me up too. One thing I really didn't like to hear is you say that these guys are the right ones for you, but you are never the right ones for them. Well it may be true that you aren't the right one for them... but my question is... were they really the right ones for you? Or were you perhaps just hoping/trying to make them "the one" for you? So before you put yourself down, you should think about this. And you know the answer. You even said it yourself... that you fall in love too quick and try to make them out to be what you want them to be.

I too feel that I am a little co-dependant, actually I was just saying that at work today. It's been so long since I was on my own, and I have been living through someone else for so long, that I don't really know what I want. What makes ME happy? And what do I want to do? Well, I just don't know at the moment. I know myself very well, and I know I'm a good person and I go out of my way to ensure everyone else around me is happy... but I don't know what makes me happy. It's always just made me happy to know that I was making everyone else happy. Is that so bad? But on my own, with no one else to make happy but myself... I have no idea. I figure it will come in time. Elated, it's just like meeting someone new. It takes time to get to know them right? And for you to figure out what they like/don't like. I suppose it's the same principle. You already know you are a good person with so much to give. Now it's just a matter of finding out what makes you happy and gives you enjoyment. I don't know how to do that, but I guess it's a matter of trial and error? All I know is that many women are "programmed" that to lead a happy and fulfilled life we must find a partner, get married and have a family. That's the society we live in, so we grow up assuming that is what will make us happy. But we're just having a little trouble finding the husband!!! hehehe!!! I think it's hard for us both because we are feeling our age and biological clocks (boy I make us sound ancient), so we both feel that the pressure is on. Do you think? I know that I do. Which doesn't mean I would settle if I didn't find someone in the next couple of months or whatever, but it just means that I feel this pressure to find the right one. But regardless, my point is, you know who you are (a wonderful person), you know what you have to give to others (ALOT) and you know it's not your fault that previous relationships did not work out. When you think about it, you also know what you are looking for in a way. You are looking for a man who will treat you the same way you treat them, who will be respectful, loving, caring, honest, sympathetic, kind, gentle, supportive etc etc etc. Yes you may be attracted to bad boys every now and then, but you've learnt enough from your previous relationships to know whether they fit this bill or not. If you see the warning signals next time, don't waste your time.

Elated, I ask the same questions as you do. I fall in love to fast, make too many excuses to try and justify that they are "the one" for me. I suppose we have thought they were, but when we really do find "the one" I have no doubt that we will know. I guess it will just feel different again. Oh I wish I had the answers, but I don't.

All I do know is that you are a true angel. There is nothing wrong with you, you've just come into contact with some ****s and made the mistake of loving them. But now you know you deserve better don't you? Don't look for a particular kind of guy... just wait till one takes your breath away. Don't try and force yourself to love him, or make him into something he's not... because when you meet him you won't have to. Just be patient sweetie. Let nature take it's course. In the meantime, find out what it is you enjoy doing. Even if it is reading, going to movies, gardening, stamp collecting.... WHATEVER :jester: !!! You have no one else to worry about except for yourself. You can do whatever you please.

As for my situation... well I don't know the answer to any of those questions either. No, it can never be what we had. Yes, it could be better with some improvements, but I can't really change the way he thinks so that he sees things my way. I have tried to explain it, but he doesn't see it that way. I don't know how... I just think things would be so much more easier and clearer if we both just spoke up and talked rationally when there is a problem. Maybe we are just too different. But you can't change people. And there is only so much I can cover over things on my end before they become HUGE things. I don't know if I could ever forgive him for what he has put me through this last couple of weeks. I suppose if he admitted that what he did was wrong, apologised and said that next time he will tell me instead of shutting me out, I could forgive (but not forget). But he won't do that. It doesn't stop me hoping though. And if I have to tell him that is what I expect, then it's not really worth it is it. Defeats the purpose. It's like telling someone that they have to say sorry to you... their heart is not in it.

I had a conversation with a work friend today that has been married and divorced twice. They told me that even if I got my wish now and we got married etc etc etc, it doesn't guarantee a happy ending. Then you would just kick yourself because you saw the signs so long ago. You could waste years, and have so many more things to consider such as children, financial commitments etc etc. And it's all very true. I don't know if everyone feels like this, but I know that I would have problems and issues if I was to marry him; I know that at times I would be unhappy; and I know I don't deserve that; I know he doesn't always treat me like I should be treated; and yet, I feel like I'm meant to be here though. And it's not just because I love him so much. It's not all about me, but I just deep down feel like I am meant to be here with him. That's why I find it so hard to let go. Did you feel like this Elated, or is it just because I have been with him so long that I feel this way? Oh boy that sounds so silly... especially seeing that I'm writing it about someone who won't even talk to me at the moment. :rolleyes: And you think YOU'RE messed up Elated? I think we both need a swift kick up the proverbial!! :D

Elated, I think you've just lost a bit of your confidence and faith in yourself - and you are probably having a bad day... just a different kind. That's okay, it will come back. You ARE really a wonderful person. How unselfish is it to give more to others than you have to yourself? It may be silly, but it shows utter unselfishness for all these years. You are capable of loving someone completely and unconditionally, and that is a rare trait. You have helped and cared for me, a stranger, for no other reason than you are just a decent, caring person - and have brought joy to my life when I was down. There are so many great things about you, that it would take forever to write... and you know all of this. You just need to remind yourself. And I told you before, God will not overlook us two little peas in His pod. He justs wants you to look after YOU for a while until He sends your reward your way, so you will be prepared!!!

Lots of love and hugs to you my little "sister"!!! And by the way, no you are not normal... you are much more special.

elatedgiraffe 01-05-2005 08:31 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Stormgirl-
Thank you, really thank you. You really understand what I'm going through. Sometimes reading your posts I have to make sure its not one of mine. ;) I didn't think deep down that I was meant to stick around while my ex "figured things out". I guess I felt that if he didn't know if he wanted to be with me after all we've been through then that was the answer: We simply weren't meant for one another. You may feel that way because you have invested 6 years into this guy. Like me, you love to the core. You made up your mind a long time ago that you were going to give this relationship all you've got and that you're going to love this man no matter what. This was it and oneday, hopefully the two of you will get married. You visualized a life with this man. So of course you have this feeling that you are meant to stick around for awhile now. If thats what you feel, then thats what you should do. Maybe this guy does need some time to figure it all out. I'm just weary now when people have doubts. At our age now, I think it does become a little more black and white. I know that I won't do any more long term relationships. I will date very casually and then if I meet that one..I'll want a relationship, but not for years and years. I'm not okay with wasting my time again when Mr. Right could be passing me by. You're right about the marriage thing. Marriage is not our ultimate goal, because marriage is just the beginning. If we aren't careful and didn't go through what we've been going through then we very well could have ended up like your friend at work. So we need to remember that its not the idea of marriage to chase...marriage will only work if both people fall NATURALLY in love. If we learn to love and let go and let nature take its course I think we'll have better luck in the future. Thats what I'm focusing on. Just having faith that it will all work out and no more falling in love and changing guys into what I want. No more feeling like I HAVE to get married. Marriage isn't going to solve anything. Marriage isn't some quick fix and we forvever feel whole. Marriage is simply finding someone that we think we can spend the rest of our lives with. The one person we sleep with. The one person who will father our precious babies. A person we won't want to cheat on or grow tired of. Its a real big decision and I think I looked at marriage differently until now. I would love to get married, but he has to be the right guy for me. You're right the exes...they may of had qualities that made me feel they were right for me, but ALL of them had something that I'm not quite sure I could have lived with for the rest of my life. When we're in love we often overlook those things, but looking back there were problems; compatibility problems. You know what I was thinking. Maybe because we fall in love too quick and put on our blinders thats why we have this heartache. Since we aren't able to pick the "one" for us and God lets us make our own choices only to show us in the end of a relationship that this isn't the one. Maybe we should trust God more because we always hear of women like us, that when we they least expected it there came along the right guy. I'm focusing on not being with anyone. I'm not going to stress about finding him. Yes, I feel that clock ticking a little, BUT if we stress about it then we're going against the grain and it will keep us in the same situations we're in now. Make sense? So if we just have faith and not worry about it then it will happen. I'm going to try that. Its obvious my old way of doing things hasn't worked so this time I'm letting go and letting life just happen. I'm tired of trying to control everything, I'm not God. As soon as we let go, stormgirl, I have this real intense feeling that it will all fall into place. We can't see the full puzzle if we don't give God all the puzzle pieces. So I'm giving him the whole puzzle box and waiting, trying to be patient and see what emerges from it.

Opielonghorn-Thanks so much for your understanding. I guess everyone when going through this goes through some hard times. I'm not engaging in anything that I haven't done before, so when you said that in time it will lessen, you're right. Even the drinking. At first I was drinking alot and it has cut down on its own. The smoking I can quit again. The other things well as long as I'm aware of whats going on, which I am, then I think in time, you're right. I'll be spit out the other end of this oneday and be okay. Its okay that I'm slipping a little right now, because like you said I'm really doing the best I can. Instead of beating myself up I need to nuture myself and if I do some little bad things; thats okay. I guess I was being a little too hard on myself and thank you all for pointing that out. Thank you, opielonghorn for making sense of it all. That I'm not abnormal and that you went through the same thing. I have gone through alot in the past months and I can't expect that old temptations weren't going to be here.

Hang in there! We're all going to be okay. Heartbreak sucks, but its not the end of the world even though it feels like it.

lisa24 01-05-2005 09:02 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Ok, the suspense is killing me. What happened on page 31???

elatedgiraffe 01-05-2005 09:09 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=lisa24]Ok, the suspense is killing me. What happened on page 31???[/QUOTE]

Haven't read it yet! Will read it tonight when I get home from work!

goody2shuz 01-05-2005 09:21 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=lisa24]Ok, the suspense is killing me. What happened on page 31???[/QUOTE]

Ok....being that I feel it may assist Stormgirl as well and in posting to Elated saw advise suiting both I will no longer leave anyone in suspense and share what pg 31 states.

"....not living faithfully to your authentic self creates a void, an everpresent feeling that you are incomplete. You find yourself wondering whether you should be doing something different with your life. There's restlessness, a yearning emptiness that wont go away....as if there is a hole in your soul. You maytry to fill that hole in any number of ways: by smoking or drinking: by incessant working, an affair,....a new job. You cast about to find something, anything to fill that hole in your heart."

So the mystery of page 31 is over...and I thought it would apply to any number of us here who have lost at love and feel abandoned and alone not knowing how to reconnect with ourselves and believing that we are just as valuable without a BF/GF and that we are still worthy of being loved.

So girls.....what do you think??? Do you think a book like this wil allow you an opportunity to do something constructive rather than destructive with your time while you, as Elated so brilliantly says, let the pieces fall back into place???? I am challenging you to going on to pg 32 and give yourselves the opportunity to rebuild what has been destroyed....how about it???......Goody :angel:

elatedgiraffe 01-05-2005 09:38 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]Ok....being that I feel it may assist Stormgirl as well and in posting to Elated saw advise suiting both I will no longer leave anyone in suspense and share what pg 31 states.

"....not living faithfully to your authentic self creates a void, an everpresent feeling that you are incomplete. You find yourself wondering whether you should be doing something different with your life. There's restlessness, a yearning emptiness that wont go away....as if there is a hole in your soul. You maytry to fill that hole in any number of ways: by smoking or drinking: by incessant working, an affair,....a new job. You cast about to find something, anything to fill that hole in your heart."

So the mystery of page 31 is over...and I thought it would apply to any number of us here who have lost at love and feel abandoned and alone not knowing how to reconnect with ourselves and believing that we are just as valuable without a BF/GF and that we are still worthy of being loved.

So girls.....what do you think??? Do you think a book like this wil allow you an opportunity to do something constructive rather than destructive with your time while you, as Elated so brilliantly says, let the pieces fall back into place???? I am challenging you to going on to pg 32 and give yourselves the opportunity to rebuild what has been destroyed....how about it???......Goody :angel:[/QUOTE]

Thanks Goody! But how do we know what our authentic self is? Thats the problem. I spend alone time. I spend time with others. I try new things, new activities. I do have some likes and dislikes, but I guess what stormgirl posted, I too have spent many years making others happy instead of myself. It is easier to make others happy when you know what makes them happy. I'm not sure what makes me happy. Love makes me happy, but I'm staying away from that right now. I'm not unhappy..I'm really beginning to feel content. People have even told me I have this contentment aura about me. Sometimes I think that "void" Dr. Phil is talking about isn't all about knowing my authentic-self, but rather knowing God? I'm reading this book "Codependent No more" and theres this part in there that says "Have a love affair with yourself". I LOVE that! All that energy I have put towards others I can have with myself. Getting to know myself. What makes me tick, what makes me laugh and what I'm really all about. Its a neat way to approach myself. I get to be self centered right now and thats pretty cool. I know I know how to love others. I just need to take that love and give it to myself. I have the right formula, just been giving it to others instead of myself. I'm going to go home and read more in "Self Matters"..page 32. Thanks again Goody!

goody2shuz 01-05-2005 09:48 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]Thanks Goody! But how do we know what our authentic self is? Thats the problem. I spend alone time. I spend time with others. I try new things, new activities. I do have some likes and dislikes, but I guess what stormgirl posted, I too have spent many years making others happy instead of myself. It is easier to make others happy when you know what makes them happy. I'm not sure what makes me happy. Love makes me happy, but I'm staying away from that right now. I'm not unhappy..I'm really beginning to feel content. People have even told me I have this contentment aura about me. Sometimes I think that "void" Dr. Phil is talking about isn't all about knowing my authentic-self, but rather knowing God? I'm reading this book "Codependent No more" and theres this part in there that says "Have a love affair with yourself". I LOVE that! All that energy I have put towards others I can have with myself. Getting to know myself. What makes me tick, what makes me laugh and what I'm really all about. Its a neat way to approach myself. I get to be self centered right now and thats pretty cool. I'm going to go home and read more in "Self Matters". Makes alot os sense.[/QUOTE]

I haven't read the book entirely but it tells you how to identify your authentic self as "....the [I]you[/I] that can be found at your absolute core. It is the part of you not identified by your job, your function, or your role. It is the composite of all your unique gifts skills, abilities, interests, talents, and wisdom. It is all of your strengths and values that are uniquely yours and need expression, versus what u have been programed to believe that you are 'supposed' to be & do."

( like what you have gotten out of the other book as well...having a love affair with ourselves...sounds like something we should all do more often. Your doing okay, Elated...keep looking at the positive and identify our values and what makes you who you are.....and before you know it you'll be running into someone who wil bring out the best parts of you...some parts you have yet to discover....Goody :angel:

heartlandguy 01-05-2005 10:30 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
I think the input from Self Matters is great. If applied to a larger scope, it says that an entire relationship could be used in an attempt to fill a personal void. If so, it explains why breakups can be so devastating and why it is so important to personally fill our voids before entering a relationship. In a good relationship, we share our happiness rather than derive it from the other.

Several threads have discussed how relationships seem to appear when one isn’t looking. From a male perspective, I think a woman is most attractive when she is looking for a happy and fulfilling life rather than for a partner. Looking for a partner almost implies a dependence or clinginess that no one find attractive. On the other hand, two people looking for a happy and fulfilling life will have a lot to offer each other. So we must tend to our own needs and make ourselves happy so we have something substantial to offer a partner. This doesn’t mean we are perfect by any stretch of the imagination, rather it means that we have a zest for life and are determined to make ourselves happy.

EG, I think many of us are happiest when we have a religious inner peace at the foundation of our lives. If other people can’t make us happy and our life is too chaotic for happiness, then there is but one being left as our source of happiness. Today, you discussed many topics that show you have recently made tremendous progress. You have a very health attitude forming now due to you being introspective. Take pride in that!

Yesterday you replied “But I don't know what else to do sometimes, you know?” I sympathize with that. It is like you are recovering from surgery and it will take time to recover. We only want what best for you because we all love your spirit and hate to see it beaten down. Take care and be good to yourself.


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