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-   -   No choice but to let go? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/226495-no-choice-but-let-go.html)

elatedgiraffe 01-05-2005 07:31 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Stormgirl-
Thank you, really thank you. You really understand what I'm going through. Sometimes reading your posts I have to make sure its not one of mine. ;) I didn't think deep down that I was meant to stick around while my ex "figured things out". I guess I felt that if he didn't know if he wanted to be with me after all we've been through then that was the answer: We simply weren't meant for one another. You may feel that way because you have invested 6 years into this guy. Like me, you love to the core. You made up your mind a long time ago that you were going to give this relationship all you've got and that you're going to love this man no matter what. This was it and oneday, hopefully the two of you will get married. You visualized a life with this man. So of course you have this feeling that you are meant to stick around for awhile now. If thats what you feel, then thats what you should do. Maybe this guy does need some time to figure it all out. I'm just weary now when people have doubts. At our age now, I think it does become a little more black and white. I know that I won't do any more long term relationships. I will date very casually and then if I meet that one..I'll want a relationship, but not for years and years. I'm not okay with wasting my time again when Mr. Right could be passing me by. You're right about the marriage thing. Marriage is not our ultimate goal, because marriage is just the beginning. If we aren't careful and didn't go through what we've been going through then we very well could have ended up like your friend at work. So we need to remember that its not the idea of marriage to chase...marriage will only work if both people fall NATURALLY in love. If we learn to love and let go and let nature take its course I think we'll have better luck in the future. Thats what I'm focusing on. Just having faith that it will all work out and no more falling in love and changing guys into what I want. No more feeling like I HAVE to get married. Marriage isn't going to solve anything. Marriage isn't some quick fix and we forvever feel whole. Marriage is simply finding someone that we think we can spend the rest of our lives with. The one person we sleep with. The one person who will father our precious babies. A person we won't want to cheat on or grow tired of. Its a real big decision and I think I looked at marriage differently until now. I would love to get married, but he has to be the right guy for me. You're right the exes...they may of had qualities that made me feel they were right for me, but ALL of them had something that I'm not quite sure I could have lived with for the rest of my life. When we're in love we often overlook those things, but looking back there were problems; compatibility problems. You know what I was thinking. Maybe because we fall in love too quick and put on our blinders thats why we have this heartache. Since we aren't able to pick the "one" for us and God lets us make our own choices only to show us in the end of a relationship that this isn't the one. Maybe we should trust God more because we always hear of women like us, that when we they least expected it there came along the right guy. I'm focusing on not being with anyone. I'm not going to stress about finding him. Yes, I feel that clock ticking a little, BUT if we stress about it then we're going against the grain and it will keep us in the same situations we're in now. Make sense? So if we just have faith and not worry about it then it will happen. I'm going to try that. Its obvious my old way of doing things hasn't worked so this time I'm letting go and letting life just happen. I'm tired of trying to control everything, I'm not God. As soon as we let go, stormgirl, I have this real intense feeling that it will all fall into place. We can't see the full puzzle if we don't give God all the puzzle pieces. So I'm giving him the whole puzzle box and waiting, trying to be patient and see what emerges from it.

Opielonghorn-Thanks so much for your understanding. I guess everyone when going through this goes through some hard times. I'm not engaging in anything that I haven't done before, so when you said that in time it will lessen, you're right. Even the drinking. At first I was drinking alot and it has cut down on its own. The smoking I can quit again. The other things well as long as I'm aware of whats going on, which I am, then I think in time, you're right. I'll be spit out the other end of this oneday and be okay. Its okay that I'm slipping a little right now, because like you said I'm really doing the best I can. Instead of beating myself up I need to nuture myself and if I do some little bad things; thats okay. I guess I was being a little too hard on myself and thank you all for pointing that out. Thank you, opielonghorn for making sense of it all. That I'm not abnormal and that you went through the same thing. I have gone through alot in the past months and I can't expect that old temptations weren't going to be here.

Hang in there! We're all going to be okay. Heartbreak sucks, but its not the end of the world even though it feels like it.

lisa24 01-05-2005 08:02 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Ok, the suspense is killing me. What happened on page 31???

elatedgiraffe 01-05-2005 08:09 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=lisa24]Ok, the suspense is killing me. What happened on page 31???[/QUOTE]

Haven't read it yet! Will read it tonight when I get home from work!

goody2shuz 01-05-2005 08:21 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=lisa24]Ok, the suspense is killing me. What happened on page 31???[/QUOTE]

Ok....being that I feel it may assist Stormgirl as well and in posting to Elated saw advise suiting both I will no longer leave anyone in suspense and share what pg 31 states.

"....not living faithfully to your authentic self creates a void, an everpresent feeling that you are incomplete. You find yourself wondering whether you should be doing something different with your life. There's restlessness, a yearning emptiness that wont go away....as if there is a hole in your soul. You maytry to fill that hole in any number of ways: by smoking or drinking: by incessant working, an affair,....a new job. You cast about to find something, anything to fill that hole in your heart."

So the mystery of page 31 is over...and I thought it would apply to any number of us here who have lost at love and feel abandoned and alone not knowing how to reconnect with ourselves and believing that we are just as valuable without a BF/GF and that we are still worthy of being loved.

So girls.....what do you think??? Do you think a book like this wil allow you an opportunity to do something constructive rather than destructive with your time while you, as Elated so brilliantly says, let the pieces fall back into place???? I am challenging you to going on to pg 32 and give yourselves the opportunity to rebuild what has been destroyed....how about it???......Goody :angel:

elatedgiraffe 01-05-2005 08:38 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]Ok....being that I feel it may assist Stormgirl as well and in posting to Elated saw advise suiting both I will no longer leave anyone in suspense and share what pg 31 states.

"....not living faithfully to your authentic self creates a void, an everpresent feeling that you are incomplete. You find yourself wondering whether you should be doing something different with your life. There's restlessness, a yearning emptiness that wont go away....as if there is a hole in your soul. You maytry to fill that hole in any number of ways: by smoking or drinking: by incessant working, an affair,....a new job. You cast about to find something, anything to fill that hole in your heart."

So the mystery of page 31 is over...and I thought it would apply to any number of us here who have lost at love and feel abandoned and alone not knowing how to reconnect with ourselves and believing that we are just as valuable without a BF/GF and that we are still worthy of being loved.

So girls.....what do you think??? Do you think a book like this wil allow you an opportunity to do something constructive rather than destructive with your time while you, as Elated so brilliantly says, let the pieces fall back into place???? I am challenging you to going on to pg 32 and give yourselves the opportunity to rebuild what has been destroyed....how about it???......Goody :angel:[/QUOTE]

Thanks Goody! But how do we know what our authentic self is? Thats the problem. I spend alone time. I spend time with others. I try new things, new activities. I do have some likes and dislikes, but I guess what stormgirl posted, I too have spent many years making others happy instead of myself. It is easier to make others happy when you know what makes them happy. I'm not sure what makes me happy. Love makes me happy, but I'm staying away from that right now. I'm not unhappy..I'm really beginning to feel content. People have even told me I have this contentment aura about me. Sometimes I think that "void" Dr. Phil is talking about isn't all about knowing my authentic-self, but rather knowing God? I'm reading this book "Codependent No more" and theres this part in there that says "Have a love affair with yourself". I LOVE that! All that energy I have put towards others I can have with myself. Getting to know myself. What makes me tick, what makes me laugh and what I'm really all about. Its a neat way to approach myself. I get to be self centered right now and thats pretty cool. I know I know how to love others. I just need to take that love and give it to myself. I have the right formula, just been giving it to others instead of myself. I'm going to go home and read more in "Self Matters"..page 32. Thanks again Goody!

goody2shuz 01-05-2005 08:48 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]Thanks Goody! But how do we know what our authentic self is? Thats the problem. I spend alone time. I spend time with others. I try new things, new activities. I do have some likes and dislikes, but I guess what stormgirl posted, I too have spent many years making others happy instead of myself. It is easier to make others happy when you know what makes them happy. I'm not sure what makes me happy. Love makes me happy, but I'm staying away from that right now. I'm not unhappy..I'm really beginning to feel content. People have even told me I have this contentment aura about me. Sometimes I think that "void" Dr. Phil is talking about isn't all about knowing my authentic-self, but rather knowing God? I'm reading this book "Codependent No more" and theres this part in there that says "Have a love affair with yourself". I LOVE that! All that energy I have put towards others I can have with myself. Getting to know myself. What makes me tick, what makes me laugh and what I'm really all about. Its a neat way to approach myself. I get to be self centered right now and thats pretty cool. I'm going to go home and read more in "Self Matters". Makes alot os sense.[/QUOTE]

I haven't read the book entirely but it tells you how to identify your authentic self as "....the [I]you[/I] that can be found at your absolute core. It is the part of you not identified by your job, your function, or your role. It is the composite of all your unique gifts skills, abilities, interests, talents, and wisdom. It is all of your strengths and values that are uniquely yours and need expression, versus what u have been programed to believe that you are 'supposed' to be & do."

( like what you have gotten out of the other book as well...having a love affair with ourselves...sounds like something we should all do more often. Your doing okay, Elated...keep looking at the positive and identify our values and what makes you who you are.....and before you know it you'll be running into someone who wil bring out the best parts of you...some parts you have yet to discover....Goody :angel:

heartlandguy 01-05-2005 09:30 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
I think the input from Self Matters is great. If applied to a larger scope, it says that an entire relationship could be used in an attempt to fill a personal void. If so, it explains why breakups can be so devastating and why it is so important to personally fill our voids before entering a relationship. In a good relationship, we share our happiness rather than derive it from the other.

Several threads have discussed how relationships seem to appear when one isn’t looking. From a male perspective, I think a woman is most attractive when she is looking for a happy and fulfilling life rather than for a partner. Looking for a partner almost implies a dependence or clinginess that no one find attractive. On the other hand, two people looking for a happy and fulfilling life will have a lot to offer each other. So we must tend to our own needs and make ourselves happy so we have something substantial to offer a partner. This doesn’t mean we are perfect by any stretch of the imagination, rather it means that we have a zest for life and are determined to make ourselves happy.

EG, I think many of us are happiest when we have a religious inner peace at the foundation of our lives. If other people can’t make us happy and our life is too chaotic for happiness, then there is but one being left as our source of happiness. Today, you discussed many topics that show you have recently made tremendous progress. You have a very health attitude forming now due to you being introspective. Take pride in that!

Yesterday you replied “But I don't know what else to do sometimes, you know?” I sympathize with that. It is like you are recovering from surgery and it will take time to recover. We only want what best for you because we all love your spirit and hate to see it beaten down. Take care and be good to yourself.


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