HealthBoards

HealthBoards (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/)
-   Relationship Health (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/)
-   -   No choice but to let go? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/226495-no-choice-but-let-go.html)

vintagegirl 11-24-2004 05:38 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Hi Storm girl~I would not drop him a card the week of Christmas. Otherwise you will be waiting for his answer at that time, and you should be enjoying the holidays. I guess my only advice to you (from experience) is: do not put yourself in the position of "waiting" for anything from anyone... a call, an email, a drop by, a ring, an I love you. The longer you wait, the longer your pain is prolonged. It's better to get on with life and then, if my chance, that call, email, drop by, ring, or I love you--shows up--it will be a pleasant surprise. You may even find by that time that you were so used to NOT waiting for it, that you won't care one way or the other. I hope he comes to his senses, but please, don't wait for it. It sounds as if you have done all of the waiting within the relationship as it is. Think about yourself now.

eightball61 11-24-2004 06:45 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=StormGirl] I guess everyone wishes they had a crystal ball and could see what the future holds so as to know the best course of action, but life doesn't work like that. !!![/QUOTE]

I wish I had a crystal ball and new the directions to the fountain of youth :p All we can do though is wish for things to happen. Thats impossible though because life has many unexpected obstacles and you have to face them as they come. You know what you deserve and the decision is based within you. If you need a little hint then I will say you deserve a lot and deserve a guy that you can love and charish....Sure we all have problems but again its life.

elatedgiraffe 11-24-2004 07:21 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Stormgirl-
Hey, I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. My situation that I am going through is so similar to yours that its freaky. I think there is some weird funk in the air. Anyways, long story short my boyfriend after 2 1/2 years also said he needed space and that he "doesn't know whats going on with him. At a very low point and even may see a dr." I too was very concerned and a little hurt because I wanted to help him through this. He said hes cut everyone off, not just me. Well it went from needing space to we are broke up to he wants me in his life to now well..he wants nothing to do with me. I hope this isn't true in your case. I am not shocked anymore that the relationship ended..even though we were very serious and planning to be engaged by Christmas but I'm shocked that he pulled this "I'm depressed" crap instead of telling me what is or was really going on. He too would say he'd call and then no call. This was so unlike him and nobody can beleive that he just woke up and "cut me out of his life". At first I really thought he had some mental issues going on but now after a month I think he was just a coward.

I too wanted a crystal ball to tell me what was going on. Heres my advice since I'm a month ahead of what you are going through. First off this is going to be hard, really hard. I know those urges to call him and I'm glad that you have convinced yourself that contacting him will only hurt you more because you know hes not going to tell you anything you want to hear. Altough he very well maybe depressed don't ignore that instinct that is telling you he maybe trying to let you go "easily". You don't know if he'll call tomorrow or if this is the end. You have to focus on today. Today you two are on a break and you have to take care of you. I couldn't sleep or eat for weeks. Even now I feel cheated that I never got a real explaination of what happened other than "I don't know whats wrong with me right now". This time is about you. Hes taking care of himself so whos taking care of you? I'm sorry you are going through this because this is really hard and painful. With the holidays its going to be even harder. Do for you right now. Let and go and let it all happen naturally. You certainly don't want to force him to be with you or anything. You have to try and accept the situation for what it is. Most of all, please take care of you. This is going to be difficult and vent here on the boards as much as you need to.
-melissa

Snails 11-24-2004 04:28 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Hi Stormgirl,

I too am really sorry that you're going through such a hard time and feeling so hurt. You seem like a really smart girl, very together, and I can tell that things will work out well for you in the long run. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to go through a lot of pain before you find the right person. Only time will tell if you and your BF are meant to be--it's probably hard to accept that the outcome pretty much out of your control, but things happen for a reason and whatever happens, you'll be strong enough to pull through. All couples get along well when things are going well, but the really tough times are the true test of whether a relationship will last. It's probably a good thing that you're not married yet if things don't work out, and if you do reunite, you'll know that you can make it through difficult obstacles together. My SO and I have been through one stressful ordeal after another over the last year, and while it's been tough, I'm relieved that we pulled through everything together because I know it will make us strong enough to overcome whatever tests the future holds. I really hope everything works out for the best--it sounds to me like this guy should feel really lucky to have your love and support, but if he's not 100% sure that you're the woman for him, you're better off with someone who truly appreciates you.

Good luck :) ,
Stacy

StormGirl 11-24-2004 11:07 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Thank you to all that have posted, your wonderful support is quite overwhelming. It is a very tough time and I am trying my best to hold it all together. I think however that I am hiding away from the real pain though, and I know it's hiding right around the corner waiting for me, but I have tried to stay busy with work etc so have pushed it all into a deep place. I guess because I haven't had that final closure I am not ready to admit to myself that it's over. I must say that after Wowwwweeee's post, I spoke to a few friends who had experienced a deep depression, and they have helped me to understand a little (if it is really what has happened). And whilst I don't understand why he has been so hostile to me, I know that it is not just me that he is doing it to, and unless he tried to share it with me, I never will. To elatedgiraffe, I am sorry to hear how things turned out for you, and thank you for sharing your situation. Much of it sounds very similar, and while I do have that doubt that perhaps he too is just a coward, I just can't accept it at the moment... although it stays there. I don't know, there are so many confusing things going around in my head that I do not know what to think. To Snails, the support is appreciated. I know that if things turn out for the worst that yes, I will struggle through like last time. I too believe that the personal struggles that we face together as a couple make us stronger, which you and your partner have accomplished together. That is probably something that scares me because I wonder that if we do stay together, get married etc... what will happen in the future when life doesn't run smoothly? Will he tuck tail and run and leave me to deal with it all alone? Again it's a very confusing time...

A couple of people that I have spoken to have suggested that I send him a message saying that while I wish him well and hope that he sorts himself out, I can not put my life on hold, but I am here for him for support... and if he needs anything or wants to talk that he can. To perhaps give him a jolt and put the ball in his court. And a male friend suggested that I put down the bottom that I love him also. What do you all think? Good idea/bad idea/or let it sit for a while? I do not want to push him too far if he is really depressed, and i want him to know that I haven't given up on him. But on the other hand, I do not want him to think that I will sit around waiting for him to decide about my life if he is not really depressed. What do you think, or does anyone have any better suggestions?

Thank you all again for your wonderful help!!

PS. eightball, if you find those directions to the fountain of youth, do me a favour and pass them on over here..... I may need them!!!

eightball61 11-25-2004 09:28 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
It is up to you if you put "i love you on the bottom of that letter". Many people shared what they are going through now and what they did. All of it was great advice to show you what to expect and that you are not alone. These things do hurt and may take some time to heal. Don't put your life on hold for him though. Go out and start something new and fresh. I am not telling you to get a boyfriend but have some fun with the gals.



PS
I will let you know when I find those directions to the foutain.

Snails 11-25-2004 01:46 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Hi Stormgirl,

I agree that the scariest thing about a relationship is not knowing what will happen in the future. I get a lot of those "what if" type worries, thinking too far ahead. Anything can happen, so I think if you guys get past this, you will be better prepared to handle future obstacles. It seems like in this case, you guys kind of stopped communicating, which made him feel distanced. A lot of people handle serious issues by withdrawing, even from the people they love, and learning to keep talking to each other, explaining what you need and want from the other person, is something every successful couple has to be able to do. Over the last year I suddenly developed a terrible chronic pain condition, ever since my wisdom teeth came out. My SO and I live together and it's been really, really hard on both of us. Things like that can tear couples apart, because when tough obstacles pop up, everything seems to change and all of a suddent each partner doesn't know anymore what the other is thinking. You have to be able to talk to each other, vent to each other, and support each other to get through the really hard times. Unfortunately since we've met, we've faced a lot of external obstacles, but I do feel like each one we survive strengthens our bond and prepares us to survive in the long run. Even so, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by worry, like what if my pain never goes away (there's a good chance of that)--will we be able to survive that? I tell myself, however, that a million things could go wrong at any time, so I might as well try to focus on enjoying the moment and living in the present.

If your BF comes around and wants to be a couple again, do you want to give it another shot? If he's struggling with depression, perhaps he really does need some time alone to find the right treatment and get it under control. If you love him, maybe he's worth the wait. In the meantime, I think you have the right idea in putting the ball in his court. I wouldn't go too far or get too mushy, but let him know that you're there for him if he needs you as a friend or whatever else. You shouldn't feel obligated to wait around, but only he knows what's best for him right now from the sound of it. It will probably feel comforting to you as well as him to get a message out there that you care about him and support him. Anyway good luck--hopefully things will work out well, and in the meantime, just try to be patient and let things play out naturally as EG said.

StormGirl 11-25-2004 11:35 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Hmm you raise a good point Snails... would I want to keep it going if he wants to be a couple again? Yes I do because I love him, but I am very afraid that if he continues like this it could lead to a very unhappy life for me. I have thought long and hard on this and I have come to the conclusion that if we are to get together then I would definitely suggest a relationship counsellor. I feel that this is a bit like admitting failure, but if it could help us to communicate and make the best of the relationship, then this could help with the future and would make me feel a whole lot better about it.

Well, I wrote the letter to him. He sent me an IM yesterday asking for something for his car. I asked if I should just send it on to him (as I thought he may not want to see me) and at first he didn't reply, then came back with "do whatever you want". I said that I would send it on, then sent him another saying that i had a file (the letter) that I wanted him to have, and if he wasn't interested in reading it, that's okay, but it would make me feel a bit better to at least have said it. He accepted it, but there was an error in the ******** and asked me to send it again. I did, and he didn't even bother to accept it.... he had his IM'er turned to "Busy". I know that he was "busy" playing some computer games that he is addicted too. That was really what started all of this I think. That's all he does all day, is hides away from the reality of life on these games. Because he was playing with alot of American people, due to the time difference he played all night and slept all day, which I couldn't handle and couldn't do cause I work and couldn't be kept up all night.... and there was no time for me anymore (or anything else if you get my drift). The nagging that I was referring to in my earlier posts is that I would go to his house to visit, and he would play these computer games all day/night, and there was a girl whom he seemed to become very good friends with. I didn't mind, but when it started to get a bit too personal, I asked him to put a stop to it. It was annoying that he was too involved to spend time with me, but the whole time he was sitting there messaging this girl and talking to her with the microphone. Apart from that, he would never leave the computer anyway to do anything else, he started just staying home and playing ALL the time. Yes, this girl is from a different country, but it's not the point. That's where we started having problems and I tried to talk to him about our relationship (in a mature way, not an attacking way). But he likes to play these games because they are an escape from reality, and he is important in them.... which he feels he probably isn't in the real world at the moment (which is not true, but when depressed maybe he feels that way).

I am having one of the not so good days today. Really want to contact him because it is Friday night, and I have a looooong weekend ahead of me (but I am also proud of myself because I have every opportunity to message him but I haven't). I know that I have tried and I only get hurt worse, so I hope I get the hint soon, or he comes to his senses. I guess because I didn't really see this coming I feel a bit thrown off balance by it all, and wonder how I could have been so wrong? I am trying to be really brave, and even my boss commented today how well I had kept it all together, but like I said, it's not always like that. When I woke up this morning, I felt truly lost and really, really....... ummmmm different and wrong. Like I don't really fit in and just going about the motions. I am okay if I convince myself that he will come around soon, but if I think about him not being a part of my life anymore, the hurt is overwhelming and I have to pull myself out of it. I really hope that I do not sound like a whingy, whiney, silly girl.... I try to explain things the best I can so it does not come off like that!!!

Thanks everyone!!

eightball61 11-26-2004 11:47 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=StormGirl]Really want to contact him because it is Friday night,
[/QUOTE]

Why do you want to call him? He has showed no interest in you nor your letter. He is being very direspectful and you have no need to call him. I know you may seem lonely but call a few girls or go out to rent a movie. You dont need someone like that around. If you have him around its just going to send more confusion to your mind. Its best for right now you try the healing process.

StormGirl 11-26-2004 01:54 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Yes you are right eightball, and I was glad I didn't contact him. He has been disrespectful of my feelings, whether that was deliberate or not. As Wowwwweeee said, people act very differently when feeling depressed. I have tried to do a little healing, but as many others have probably said on this site, it's hard to start to do that until the closure takes place. But we don't always get that do we? I guess the main reason for me wanting to contact him is because I miss him terribly (you can't stop that), and for some reason I feel that he is slowly coming around.... don't know if that is wishful thinking or not. Just some observations I have made that probably would not mean alot to others. Or perhaps I am waaaaay off track... I don't know, but you have been right in earlier posts that I have put in enough effort already, now it is his turn if he really wants to save the relationship. He has shown time and time again that he does not want to communicate with me. I am actually starting to feel a little angry now. That makes me feel bad if he is really feeling depressed, because it's probably not his fault. But I am angry and frustrated that he is endangering 6 years, and doesn't seem to care how anyone else feels but himself. Maybe I can just not imagine that I could ever be like that. I am angry that he has done this and upset me time and time again, when I have had other outside troubles to deal with also. But he seems to only worry about the things that affect him personally. I don't know, maybe that's not right for me to say those things, but he just doesn't seem to be trying to sort anything out or even making the effort. Maybe I am just venting.... I hope that this is okay. It makes me feel better to at least write this down, and admit that while I still hurt very muc, I am also a little angry and frustrated. :confused:

I am going to buy myself a brand spankin' new car very soon..... it always helps ya feel better doesn't it? :D

Thank you for your continued support. :angel:

elatedgiraffe 11-26-2004 02:38 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Stormgirl-
Oh, I want to give you a hug. I know how you feel. It gets to a point that depressed or not he is being hurtful and nothing makes the pain go away. At first you feel sorry for him; that something is really going on with him. Then you start to feel angry because no matter how bad you feel you have always been there for him. You're angry because hes throwing away 6 years and doesn't seem to care. (Have we been dating the same guy :rolleyes: ). You get even more angry when you have a bad day or you NEED him and hes not available....because who do you turn to now? You get even more angry because no matter how many e-mails, letters or calls you make he doesn't seem to acknowledge you or your feelings about the matter. I guarantee you will be feeling some depression after or during this anger phase. Now, a spankin' new car will make you feel better. How about you swing by and pick me up and we'll go crusing for some new men? I know, I know you love him and don't want anyone else. Oh, I pray things work out for the two of you. But it gets to a point of how much regardless of his depression are you willing to put up with. I mean, who wants to marry a man that hides in the basement for 3 months refusing to speak to you because times are stressful? I started thinking long term and it helps because sometimes I think that maybe he wasn't the best suited for me anyway. I am an emotional person and need emotional support from my SO and if I don't have that then I'm not happy. I know it sucks to not have closure. I wish I could lock my ex in a room and beat the answers out of him; but I can't. He can run like the coward he is and there is nothing you can really do to stop him. I think time will answer your questions. In time, you'll realize if his "depression" is sincere or not. Maybe he'll get on anti-depressants and things will get better. Trust me, as hard as it seems, and as many people will say "you'll get through this"...you will. Hang in there! We're here for you!

StormGirl 11-26-2004 04:46 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
While this is a horrible thing to say cause I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it is so comforting to know that you know EXACTLY how I feel Elated. You have pinpointed exactly how I feel and even know the questions that are going on in my head (as many others do also). Thanks for your warm thoughts, it means alot. I'd love to swing by and we could go for a cruise, but I'm afraid we are in different countries (I am assuming), so it may be hard for us to be dating the same guy too!!! :D But if you ever get to lock him in that room, give him a smack for me too!!! :D :D

You know, sometimes I wonder why I do try so hard to keep in going... and I've come to the conclusion that it is because I really thought we were meant to be. I remember when I was single and dating quite a few guys and I was miserable and self destructive. I was at a party and a friend said to me that I needed to relax a bit, and when the time was right, my soulmate would come to me and find me. The very next day, my boyfriend turned up on my doorstep, totally out of the blue after 5 years. I couldn't believe it, but I had always loved him in some capacity since I first laid eyes on him, and he told me that he had thought about me during that time, but knew I had a long term boyfriend. It was like a fairytale and I just thought that it was always meant to be, and any struggles that we had, were only to make us stronger. Maybe i'm the only one seeing it though. As said before, only time will tell if I was right or not.

The thing I love about coming here is that although sometimes I write things that sound totally ridiculous to me and probably everyone else, but everyone supports me and doesn't make me feel silly, cause although it may even be ridiculous, everyone here knows where it is coming from... But if I ever get too nauseating, just give me a swift kick and let me know!!! As you can tell I am having a bit better day today.... these mood swings are driving me up the wall though...

I hope that you are holding up okay Elated. Hopefully soon the perfect man will turn up on YOUR doorstep and sweep you off your feet, because you deserve it!!!

eightball61 11-26-2004 07:11 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=StormGirl]
The thing I love about coming here is that although sometimes I write things that sound totally ridiculous to me and probably everyone else, but everyone supports me and doesn't make me feel silly, cause although it may even be ridiculous, everyone here knows where it is coming from... But if I ever get too nauseating, just give me a swift kick and let me know!!! As you can tell I am having a bit better day today.... these mood swings are driving me up the wall though...

[/QUOTE]



This is what we are here for is to give you the supportive advice from first hand expierence or just general thoughts. You see you did nothing wrong and you keep that in mind. Go buy that car or shopping for cloths if you like. Create something new for yourself and move on from there. I am glad you didn't call him and you are doing fine. Stay strong and stay in touch. :angel:

elatedgiraffe 11-27-2004 07:30 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Stormgirl :) -
You are not silly or ridiculous! I've said some pretty crazy things; many of us here have. Unfortunately love does some serious brain damage to us sometimes. :rolleyes:

I understand the mood swings. Just by reading my long thread my mood swings are very obvious in my posts. They have leveled out a bit now. I'm also sleeping better even though hes the first thing on my mind when I rise and I dream of him often. So know that there is hope. You are probably going from feeling okay to feeling angry to crying to feeling okay again...these emotions are normal. I thought I was going out of my mind! I seemed to have no control over my emotions. Now, after a month I'm depressed, angry and often irritable. I guess all these emotions are part of it, I mean he was a big part of your life and oneday boom..gone.

I don't understand how people can just cut someone out of their life. Even if they fell out of love or whatever that doesn't mean you pretend the person doesn't even exist. I just can't do that. Maybe after dating someone for a couple weeks/months..but we're talking years here and thats just not okay; regardless of his issues.

I've always been a big beleiver in "time heals". The problem is having the patience with yourself to allow time to heal. I know how bad it hurts and I know you feel like you are dying, literally. I know that your mind races "maybe its this, maybe he meant that". I know that you go to call him out of habit and quickly the pain aches in your chest as you remember "oh, yeah he doesn't want to talk to me". Oh, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy either. Time is the thing here. In time, you will realize if you two are meant for one another. If not, then in time you will heal. In time you may even get an explaination of some sorts. I know you tried because you think you and him are meant for one another. Well, now is the true test; let fate do its work, right? Sit back, try and let it go and let it fall how it is supposed to fall. The ball is in his court and you've done all you can to salvage the relationship. Its now up to him and up to fate. Praying helped me alot by the way so you may want to give it a shot.

So what are you doing to take care of yourself? You mentioned you were self destructive before you started to date him; are you going back to these behaviors? I too was into things that my ex got me out of and I have to admit I have found some comfort engaging in those things again. I'm trying my best, but I know how hard it is to refrain from going back to old ways when you crave something that gives you comfort. At first I couldn't even look at another man without getting sick to my stomach. What worked for me was getting back out there and distracting myself with other guys. None of them are relatoinship material but nothing is nicer than going back out there and getting some attention and flattering from the opposite sex. My confidence was so low after all this and I'm sure yours is too. You probably catch yourself questioning whats wrong with you or that nobody else will want you. Don't worry those are normal too unless you stay in that mindframe for too long. So that has helped me alot. Knowing "hey, theres guys out here that I can have a great time with and they think I'm hot". I'm not suggesting a "rebound", but nothing is wrong with being the single girl you now are. Maybe its too soon for all this and thats okay. You'll know when you're ready. I know that I don't have anything else to give right now and everything is about me, as it should be right now. I'm up front with the guys I meet and instead of looking for a relationship I'm just having good company and it sure beats sitting at home crying over some coward.

Anyway this is getting long. I'm here for ya, girl! Feel free to vent. I feel like I'm one step ahead of you so I can hold your hand through this dark time. I know nothing feels more comforting than knowing that you aren't the only one hurting THIS bad and that several other people, including myself are going through the same thing. Him leaving you hanging puts you in an awkward position and will have your emotions all over the place. You have to gain some control by figuring out just how much and how long will he leave you hanging. Remember its up to you to "wait" and its up to you to say "enough". Take care of yourself this weekend!

Ruth6:11 11-27-2004 08:04 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
The last time I was dumped (I was 34 by the way - never married, but in many longer term relationships such as yourself) I suddenly realized that

I did not want to be with anyone who did not want to be with me.

Period. I would get out of relationships sooner that weren't going anywhere and I would wait for the Right Person. And I would know him when I met him.

I did meet him - a strange little "serendipity" tale all on it's own.

We got married 10 months later (when it's right, it's right!) and have been married for 15 years.

When I was dating I didn't look around either - when you are a loyal person, and you appear to be, you have to be on your own to have your eyes open to MEET the Right Person...

6 years IS a long time - don't you imagine that one or the other of you would have insisted on a committment by now if you were right for one another??
(I am NOT saying that you don't both love each other - just that it takes alot more than love to be in the right relationship..)

Also, I wanted to tell you that your additions to other posts have been very very good, helpful, and wise... Odd that one's own pain can end up helping others..
:angel:


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:46 AM.