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eightball61 11-25-2004 10:28 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
It is up to you if you put "i love you on the bottom of that letter". Many people shared what they are going through now and what they did. All of it was great advice to show you what to expect and that you are not alone. These things do hurt and may take some time to heal. Don't put your life on hold for him though. Go out and start something new and fresh. I am not telling you to get a boyfriend but have some fun with the gals.



PS
I will let you know when I find those directions to the foutain.

Snails 11-25-2004 02:46 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Hi Stormgirl,

I agree that the scariest thing about a relationship is not knowing what will happen in the future. I get a lot of those "what if" type worries, thinking too far ahead. Anything can happen, so I think if you guys get past this, you will be better prepared to handle future obstacles. It seems like in this case, you guys kind of stopped communicating, which made him feel distanced. A lot of people handle serious issues by withdrawing, even from the people they love, and learning to keep talking to each other, explaining what you need and want from the other person, is something every successful couple has to be able to do. Over the last year I suddenly developed a terrible chronic pain condition, ever since my wisdom teeth came out. My SO and I live together and it's been really, really hard on both of us. Things like that can tear couples apart, because when tough obstacles pop up, everything seems to change and all of a suddent each partner doesn't know anymore what the other is thinking. You have to be able to talk to each other, vent to each other, and support each other to get through the really hard times. Unfortunately since we've met, we've faced a lot of external obstacles, but I do feel like each one we survive strengthens our bond and prepares us to survive in the long run. Even so, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by worry, like what if my pain never goes away (there's a good chance of that)--will we be able to survive that? I tell myself, however, that a million things could go wrong at any time, so I might as well try to focus on enjoying the moment and living in the present.

If your BF comes around and wants to be a couple again, do you want to give it another shot? If he's struggling with depression, perhaps he really does need some time alone to find the right treatment and get it under control. If you love him, maybe he's worth the wait. In the meantime, I think you have the right idea in putting the ball in his court. I wouldn't go too far or get too mushy, but let him know that you're there for him if he needs you as a friend or whatever else. You shouldn't feel obligated to wait around, but only he knows what's best for him right now from the sound of it. It will probably feel comforting to you as well as him to get a message out there that you care about him and support him. Anyway good luck--hopefully things will work out well, and in the meantime, just try to be patient and let things play out naturally as EG said.

StormGirl 11-26-2004 12:35 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Hmm you raise a good point Snails... would I want to keep it going if he wants to be a couple again? Yes I do because I love him, but I am very afraid that if he continues like this it could lead to a very unhappy life for me. I have thought long and hard on this and I have come to the conclusion that if we are to get together then I would definitely suggest a relationship counsellor. I feel that this is a bit like admitting failure, but if it could help us to communicate and make the best of the relationship, then this could help with the future and would make me feel a whole lot better about it.

Well, I wrote the letter to him. He sent me an IM yesterday asking for something for his car. I asked if I should just send it on to him (as I thought he may not want to see me) and at first he didn't reply, then came back with "do whatever you want". I said that I would send it on, then sent him another saying that i had a file (the letter) that I wanted him to have, and if he wasn't interested in reading it, that's okay, but it would make me feel a bit better to at least have said it. He accepted it, but there was an error in the ******** and asked me to send it again. I did, and he didn't even bother to accept it.... he had his IM'er turned to "Busy". I know that he was "busy" playing some computer games that he is addicted too. That was really what started all of this I think. That's all he does all day, is hides away from the reality of life on these games. Because he was playing with alot of American people, due to the time difference he played all night and slept all day, which I couldn't handle and couldn't do cause I work and couldn't be kept up all night.... and there was no time for me anymore (or anything else if you get my drift). The nagging that I was referring to in my earlier posts is that I would go to his house to visit, and he would play these computer games all day/night, and there was a girl whom he seemed to become very good friends with. I didn't mind, but when it started to get a bit too personal, I asked him to put a stop to it. It was annoying that he was too involved to spend time with me, but the whole time he was sitting there messaging this girl and talking to her with the microphone. Apart from that, he would never leave the computer anyway to do anything else, he started just staying home and playing ALL the time. Yes, this girl is from a different country, but it's not the point. That's where we started having problems and I tried to talk to him about our relationship (in a mature way, not an attacking way). But he likes to play these games because they are an escape from reality, and he is important in them.... which he feels he probably isn't in the real world at the moment (which is not true, but when depressed maybe he feels that way).

I am having one of the not so good days today. Really want to contact him because it is Friday night, and I have a looooong weekend ahead of me (but I am also proud of myself because I have every opportunity to message him but I haven't). I know that I have tried and I only get hurt worse, so I hope I get the hint soon, or he comes to his senses. I guess because I didn't really see this coming I feel a bit thrown off balance by it all, and wonder how I could have been so wrong? I am trying to be really brave, and even my boss commented today how well I had kept it all together, but like I said, it's not always like that. When I woke up this morning, I felt truly lost and really, really....... ummmmm different and wrong. Like I don't really fit in and just going about the motions. I am okay if I convince myself that he will come around soon, but if I think about him not being a part of my life anymore, the hurt is overwhelming and I have to pull myself out of it. I really hope that I do not sound like a whingy, whiney, silly girl.... I try to explain things the best I can so it does not come off like that!!!

Thanks everyone!!

eightball61 11-26-2004 12:47 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=StormGirl]Really want to contact him because it is Friday night,
[/QUOTE]

Why do you want to call him? He has showed no interest in you nor your letter. He is being very direspectful and you have no need to call him. I know you may seem lonely but call a few girls or go out to rent a movie. You dont need someone like that around. If you have him around its just going to send more confusion to your mind. Its best for right now you try the healing process.

StormGirl 11-26-2004 02:54 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Yes you are right eightball, and I was glad I didn't contact him. He has been disrespectful of my feelings, whether that was deliberate or not. As Wowwwweeee said, people act very differently when feeling depressed. I have tried to do a little healing, but as many others have probably said on this site, it's hard to start to do that until the closure takes place. But we don't always get that do we? I guess the main reason for me wanting to contact him is because I miss him terribly (you can't stop that), and for some reason I feel that he is slowly coming around.... don't know if that is wishful thinking or not. Just some observations I have made that probably would not mean alot to others. Or perhaps I am waaaaay off track... I don't know, but you have been right in earlier posts that I have put in enough effort already, now it is his turn if he really wants to save the relationship. He has shown time and time again that he does not want to communicate with me. I am actually starting to feel a little angry now. That makes me feel bad if he is really feeling depressed, because it's probably not his fault. But I am angry and frustrated that he is endangering 6 years, and doesn't seem to care how anyone else feels but himself. Maybe I can just not imagine that I could ever be like that. I am angry that he has done this and upset me time and time again, when I have had other outside troubles to deal with also. But he seems to only worry about the things that affect him personally. I don't know, maybe that's not right for me to say those things, but he just doesn't seem to be trying to sort anything out or even making the effort. Maybe I am just venting.... I hope that this is okay. It makes me feel better to at least write this down, and admit that while I still hurt very muc, I am also a little angry and frustrated. :confused:

I am going to buy myself a brand spankin' new car very soon..... it always helps ya feel better doesn't it? :D

Thank you for your continued support. :angel:

elatedgiraffe 11-26-2004 03:38 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Stormgirl-
Oh, I want to give you a hug. I know how you feel. It gets to a point that depressed or not he is being hurtful and nothing makes the pain go away. At first you feel sorry for him; that something is really going on with him. Then you start to feel angry because no matter how bad you feel you have always been there for him. You're angry because hes throwing away 6 years and doesn't seem to care. (Have we been dating the same guy :rolleyes: ). You get even more angry when you have a bad day or you NEED him and hes not available....because who do you turn to now? You get even more angry because no matter how many e-mails, letters or calls you make he doesn't seem to acknowledge you or your feelings about the matter. I guarantee you will be feeling some depression after or during this anger phase. Now, a spankin' new car will make you feel better. How about you swing by and pick me up and we'll go crusing for some new men? I know, I know you love him and don't want anyone else. Oh, I pray things work out for the two of you. But it gets to a point of how much regardless of his depression are you willing to put up with. I mean, who wants to marry a man that hides in the basement for 3 months refusing to speak to you because times are stressful? I started thinking long term and it helps because sometimes I think that maybe he wasn't the best suited for me anyway. I am an emotional person and need emotional support from my SO and if I don't have that then I'm not happy. I know it sucks to not have closure. I wish I could lock my ex in a room and beat the answers out of him; but I can't. He can run like the coward he is and there is nothing you can really do to stop him. I think time will answer your questions. In time, you'll realize if his "depression" is sincere or not. Maybe he'll get on anti-depressants and things will get better. Trust me, as hard as it seems, and as many people will say "you'll get through this"...you will. Hang in there! We're here for you!

StormGirl 11-26-2004 05:46 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
While this is a horrible thing to say cause I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it is so comforting to know that you know EXACTLY how I feel Elated. You have pinpointed exactly how I feel and even know the questions that are going on in my head (as many others do also). Thanks for your warm thoughts, it means alot. I'd love to swing by and we could go for a cruise, but I'm afraid we are in different countries (I am assuming), so it may be hard for us to be dating the same guy too!!! :D But if you ever get to lock him in that room, give him a smack for me too!!! :D :D

You know, sometimes I wonder why I do try so hard to keep in going... and I've come to the conclusion that it is because I really thought we were meant to be. I remember when I was single and dating quite a few guys and I was miserable and self destructive. I was at a party and a friend said to me that I needed to relax a bit, and when the time was right, my soulmate would come to me and find me. The very next day, my boyfriend turned up on my doorstep, totally out of the blue after 5 years. I couldn't believe it, but I had always loved him in some capacity since I first laid eyes on him, and he told me that he had thought about me during that time, but knew I had a long term boyfriend. It was like a fairytale and I just thought that it was always meant to be, and any struggles that we had, were only to make us stronger. Maybe i'm the only one seeing it though. As said before, only time will tell if I was right or not.

The thing I love about coming here is that although sometimes I write things that sound totally ridiculous to me and probably everyone else, but everyone supports me and doesn't make me feel silly, cause although it may even be ridiculous, everyone here knows where it is coming from... But if I ever get too nauseating, just give me a swift kick and let me know!!! As you can tell I am having a bit better day today.... these mood swings are driving me up the wall though...

I hope that you are holding up okay Elated. Hopefully soon the perfect man will turn up on YOUR doorstep and sweep you off your feet, because you deserve it!!!

eightball61 11-26-2004 08:11 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=StormGirl]
The thing I love about coming here is that although sometimes I write things that sound totally ridiculous to me and probably everyone else, but everyone supports me and doesn't make me feel silly, cause although it may even be ridiculous, everyone here knows where it is coming from... But if I ever get too nauseating, just give me a swift kick and let me know!!! As you can tell I am having a bit better day today.... these mood swings are driving me up the wall though...

[/QUOTE]



This is what we are here for is to give you the supportive advice from first hand expierence or just general thoughts. You see you did nothing wrong and you keep that in mind. Go buy that car or shopping for cloths if you like. Create something new for yourself and move on from there. I am glad you didn't call him and you are doing fine. Stay strong and stay in touch. :angel:

elatedgiraffe 11-27-2004 08:30 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Stormgirl :) -
You are not silly or ridiculous! I've said some pretty crazy things; many of us here have. Unfortunately love does some serious brain damage to us sometimes. :rolleyes:

I understand the mood swings. Just by reading my long thread my mood swings are very obvious in my posts. They have leveled out a bit now. I'm also sleeping better even though hes the first thing on my mind when I rise and I dream of him often. So know that there is hope. You are probably going from feeling okay to feeling angry to crying to feeling okay again...these emotions are normal. I thought I was going out of my mind! I seemed to have no control over my emotions. Now, after a month I'm depressed, angry and often irritable. I guess all these emotions are part of it, I mean he was a big part of your life and oneday boom..gone.

I don't understand how people can just cut someone out of their life. Even if they fell out of love or whatever that doesn't mean you pretend the person doesn't even exist. I just can't do that. Maybe after dating someone for a couple weeks/months..but we're talking years here and thats just not okay; regardless of his issues.

I've always been a big beleiver in "time heals". The problem is having the patience with yourself to allow time to heal. I know how bad it hurts and I know you feel like you are dying, literally. I know that your mind races "maybe its this, maybe he meant that". I know that you go to call him out of habit and quickly the pain aches in your chest as you remember "oh, yeah he doesn't want to talk to me". Oh, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy either. Time is the thing here. In time, you will realize if you two are meant for one another. If not, then in time you will heal. In time you may even get an explaination of some sorts. I know you tried because you think you and him are meant for one another. Well, now is the true test; let fate do its work, right? Sit back, try and let it go and let it fall how it is supposed to fall. The ball is in his court and you've done all you can to salvage the relationship. Its now up to him and up to fate. Praying helped me alot by the way so you may want to give it a shot.

So what are you doing to take care of yourself? You mentioned you were self destructive before you started to date him; are you going back to these behaviors? I too was into things that my ex got me out of and I have to admit I have found some comfort engaging in those things again. I'm trying my best, but I know how hard it is to refrain from going back to old ways when you crave something that gives you comfort. At first I couldn't even look at another man without getting sick to my stomach. What worked for me was getting back out there and distracting myself with other guys. None of them are relatoinship material but nothing is nicer than going back out there and getting some attention and flattering from the opposite sex. My confidence was so low after all this and I'm sure yours is too. You probably catch yourself questioning whats wrong with you or that nobody else will want you. Don't worry those are normal too unless you stay in that mindframe for too long. So that has helped me alot. Knowing "hey, theres guys out here that I can have a great time with and they think I'm hot". I'm not suggesting a "rebound", but nothing is wrong with being the single girl you now are. Maybe its too soon for all this and thats okay. You'll know when you're ready. I know that I don't have anything else to give right now and everything is about me, as it should be right now. I'm up front with the guys I meet and instead of looking for a relationship I'm just having good company and it sure beats sitting at home crying over some coward.

Anyway this is getting long. I'm here for ya, girl! Feel free to vent. I feel like I'm one step ahead of you so I can hold your hand through this dark time. I know nothing feels more comforting than knowing that you aren't the only one hurting THIS bad and that several other people, including myself are going through the same thing. Him leaving you hanging puts you in an awkward position and will have your emotions all over the place. You have to gain some control by figuring out just how much and how long will he leave you hanging. Remember its up to you to "wait" and its up to you to say "enough". Take care of yourself this weekend!

Ruth6:11 11-27-2004 09:04 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
The last time I was dumped (I was 34 by the way - never married, but in many longer term relationships such as yourself) I suddenly realized that

I did not want to be with anyone who did not want to be with me.

Period. I would get out of relationships sooner that weren't going anywhere and I would wait for the Right Person. And I would know him when I met him.

I did meet him - a strange little "serendipity" tale all on it's own.

We got married 10 months later (when it's right, it's right!) and have been married for 15 years.

When I was dating I didn't look around either - when you are a loyal person, and you appear to be, you have to be on your own to have your eyes open to MEET the Right Person...

6 years IS a long time - don't you imagine that one or the other of you would have insisted on a committment by now if you were right for one another??
(I am NOT saying that you don't both love each other - just that it takes alot more than love to be in the right relationship..)

Also, I wanted to tell you that your additions to other posts have been very very good, helpful, and wise... Odd that one's own pain can end up helping others..
:angel:

StormGirl 11-27-2004 02:55 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Thanks Ruth, it's nice to know that I am helping. It makes me feel good to try and help others, and it's a good reminder that there are others out there that may be in a more dire situation than me!!!

Well, some may not agree, but to take care of myself I have sort of been in exile. I have had many offers to go out etc etc, but at the moment I am trying to unlearn alot of my old habits to accept that this may be the start of a new life for me now, just trying to get my head around it. I haven't really been on my own for 11 years, so I am trying to get used to just learning to be on my own and enjoy my own company (although I am still at home, so I have my family here). Maybe in a couple of weeks I will be ready to go out and enjoy myself with friends, but I just don't feel ready yet. I do not want to go off the deep end like I did last time. I drank too much, saw too many men that were really not good types and just generally did silly things to try and escape. This time, considering my age also, I would like to maintain dignity and try to accept things slowly instead of jumping into things to try and cover up the pain. The thing with my friends especially is that they are already talking, what about this guy, maybe you should date this guy etc etc.... NOOOOOOOO!!! I do not want to be with any other guy at the moment, and will take some time for this to change. I have been working on relationships for the past 11 years, and would now just like a break to think about me first (re-phrase: I do not want a break, but since I have been given one may as well make the most of it). I just want to figure out who I am on my own. And I guess in some small way, that I don't want to admit, I am waiting for him to come to his senses....I know, bad girl, but I just can't help it. I still have that little flicker of hope.

Well it is Sunday morning here, and I have almost made it through another weekend. Still very up and down though. My phone has been ringing and no caller id has been coming up. It rings for a few rings and then hangs up. I know that it is him, and I know that he is trying to get me to make the first move and ring him, but I've stayed strong. I keep remembering eightball's words that I totally agree with that I have put in enough effort already. Depression or not, he has to take responsibility at some point. :nono:

Thanks all for helping me to stay strong, I know that I would have crumbled long ago if I had not come here. I know that either way this thing goes, there are many tough times ahead still, so Elated, I may need that hand to pull me up sometimes... and hopefully I can do the same for you if needed. :angel:

PS. Whilst prayer has not been a huge part of my life, I will remember to thank God for sending me to this site... :)

littletiger 11-27-2004 03:18 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Ruth your story gives me hope. Sorry Storm for your sadness right now. I really do know how you feel. I imagine it helps to post your often here and have the friendship online. Sometimes it nice to know that your feelings are validated.

It really does sound like your guy might have to be on his own and able to feel like he is doing more for you and your relationship. I really hope some time will help him figure out what he needs. In any event know that whatever happens you will be fine.

rd1978 11-27-2004 06:06 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
:mad: hey stromgirl keep your head up and stay strong,,, go day by day,, i know your going to have your good days and your bad day's some times time will fly by other times it will seem like its dragging,,, what ever you do ,, dont give in to this guy , dont be mean though,, he needs to earn your respect and gain a sense of reality,,,
i myself have some thing's in commen with you i just got out of a 5 + year relationship with a girl who is on the other end of the spectrum,, she isnt really depressed ,,, she has some type of mental health disorder that i am in the process of trying to figure out,, which i believe she has been suffering for it for along time but has no clue about it she more or less runs from it,,,,but she is always wired ,, has a hard time controlling what comes out of her mouth,, outbursts,, a fake sense of reality,,looks for attention from other people and takes what other people say and seems to write it in stone even though its her life and her decisions and her future,, and def thrives off of attention from other people to make herself feel better,,, th relationship wasnt the best all the way thru but i love her she loves me but she is completely out in left field right now drinking constantly,, acting tough being unfair,,, but this time she doesnt want to date anyone,, where in the past she ran right off and got into it with someone 2 times {{ please dont do that it will only mess your head up more,, its just a quick fix}} sorry i had to vent :mad:
But hey you never know just take it day by day he might have caught a sense of reality like whoah,,, this could really be it ,, and got a little scared,,, {{stole that out of an email my ex wrote me a month ago }} i see he is an insecure person ,, well so was my ex, extremelly insecure makes it very very tough,,, and they seem to place blame unfairly,, im going to keep tabs on this post keey your head up ,, its only going to get better,,,, and please dont make excuses for him he is a grown adult......ive done it all to much

StormGirl 11-27-2004 06:28 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Hey rd!! :wave:

Thanks for the support and well wishes, and I am sorry to hear of your own situation. Do you think that you will be able to work it out, or have you accepted that there is nothing you can do and tried to move on? I too, like you, have made way too many excuses and had to shut off my own pain to keep the peace. I think of that everytime I get the urge to call him. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly, miss him muchly but I'm tired of keeping the relationship running on my own, especially when he is being very disrespectful to my feelings. It is his turn to show SOMETHING now. And he has no reason to be insecure, I have stuck by him through thick and thin, even when things got really tough for us, so I don't feel that it is a good excuse anymore. But I do know that his life has fallen apart a little, and maybe he does need some time to figure things out and get his head around it all.... I just didn't see how cutting me out would help him get back on his feet, but that is his choice.

Oh I would never jump into seeing someone else. First I would have to make sure that I felt it was definitely over before I could move onto anything with another man, but at the moment, I am simply not interested.... I love my man too much (even though I'm angry as anything too!!).

Again, thanks for your support and I will keep you updated on how things pan out.... please do the same and let me know how you are going and how you are holding up. :wave:

StormGirl 11-27-2004 07:46 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Oh why do I do it to myself? He initiated a conversation with me (asked a silly question), but when I started to respond he cut it off again. So I tried to call and again, he didn't bother to answer his phone. Why don't I ever learn? I have gone back about 10 steps now and can't stop crying. Why would anyone do this? :confused:

eightball61 11-27-2004 08:48 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=StormGirl]Oh why do I do it to myself? :[/QUOTE]



Why???? because you keep thinking deep down that there is hope and his decision to come back will happen. He has not proven to do that so you need to come out of all of this to build anger and get annoyed of these games. The anger will help you not get back to him or talk to him. STOP CALLING HIM ALL TOGETHER and if he continues to call tell him you are done and you dont want to talk. If he continues then threaten harrassment. I know thats far fetched and you may not be able to do that but those word just seemed great to put down. ONLY YOU CAN STOP THIS... You have to learn to be strong and only you can do that. Our words may help some at the moment but when he calls you will be thinking otherwise and that why you need to listen to the other half of your brain and just leave it all be.

I know its hard for you and as other posters put thier own stories here its hard over all but only the strong survive. There have been many people hear like Redoorbuck that has gotten over a hard thing like this. It seems like things have came to an end but you spent 6 years trying to work as one with another person. Now you have to re-learn how to work life as yourself. IF you need counseling to help then go but you are the only one that can take charge. I hope you see what I am trying to say but keep posting and we will be here for you :angel:

StormGirl 11-27-2004 09:12 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Thanks eightball... just needed my daily kick up the bum! :D I think I'm going psychotic with these disastrous mood swings... ;)

eightball61 11-27-2004 09:26 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=StormGirl]Thanks eightball... just needed my daily kick up the bum! :D I think I'm going psychotic with these disastrous mood swings... ;)[/QUOTE]


It is just the mood swings but you know within time you will be happy again. Don't think its the end of the world because it isn't. Relationships aren't made to go your way. As the bright side its better that you know this now rather than being ingaged or married and this happening. Everything happens for a reason and I am a firm believer to this. I have never gone through a heartbreak like this or what other posters have gone through. I may go through it or I may not and if I do I know I would be in you all shoes but you need to make the best of it and stay strong. It is a set back but thing will get better. :angel:

rd1978 11-28-2004 02:03 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
hey stormGirl:as far as me and her working things out? I dont know i do know from a long time ago i said i couldnt see myself marrying this girl,, she had alot of issues that i wouldnt want to be attached with for life,,, but i do love her and i do relaize that thes problems are somethign she cannot control ,, BUT it is hard and aggravating for me to hear her say how she has talked to other guys and they told her she was stupid for staying with me etc.etc.they are basically telling her what she wants to hear ,, for 1 reason or another ,,, AND i doubht that she told them how she was to me,, :nono:
ARE they the 1 who has spent countless hours on the internet trying to figure out what is different about her and talked to numerous people in hope of getting an awnser and finding a solution to her problem's,,, i am going to give it 1 more try and talk to her about everythign and her "problem" as best as i know how it has always been in the dark and never braught up,, and did honestly create 70% of our relationship problems,,{ im not saying I am perfect} but it is hard for me to be honest with her about that because i do not want to put the blame on her........
so i do not know what will happen but maybe it will take her to date other people and if it goes longer than 5-6 months they might just get ot know the real her and then she will know who the genuine guy was ,, that she left to prove a point to herself and her pride,, she really needs a reality check on life ,, and she will eventually get it

AS for YOU i dont know why people push someone away like that but it does happen,, i honestly think its immateur but who am i to say,, i dont know what he is feeling ,, i dont know where his emmotiones are,, But i do know it is common to instead of grab the one you love and pull them closer when your depressed,, they push the people important away from them for some reason,, i would just leave him alone,, i know its easier said than done but just let him be,, i think he needs or wants attention,, so if you stop calling he might get somewhat of a wakeup call,,, i mean let him know you care if you must but there will be no waiting around because you are not getting any younger.....

StormGirl 11-28-2004 02:27 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Nice to hear from you again rd. I can relate so much to how you say your relationship was. I too want to now talk to him about his depression (or whatever it is) but do not want to push him about it. I do feel bad that I didn't pick up on it before, but I have ALWAYS tried to do the right thing by him and have done the best I could, as you seem to have also. Your gf seems to be a bit worse off than my bf and seems to be a little more self destructive, which doesn't help you at all. I know the feeling of trying to do everything for them for years, and they don't see or appreciate it, and it gets thrown back in your face. For years my life has revolved around him as yours has around your gf, and then one day, it's all gone. You say that you haven't been perfect either, but I bet you've been a damn sight closer than your gf has. Just remember that it's not your fault, and that you've done much more for her than probably others have. It irks me that there are guys out there telling her that she shouldn't stay with you etc etc... there are always 2 sides to a story, and I bet they never get to here your side. She does need a reality check, and I hope it comes sooner than later. You seem to be a very nice person and I would hate to think that you are getting so torn up because of this.

I do think that my bf is trying to stay in touch with me. I have gone for extended periods where I have not called him, and when he does make contact, my defenses weaken. But I have not tried to initiate any contact for some time, and it is not only helpful to me, but I feel it is drumming home the point to him. But I just do not want this to drag on forever. I really want to help him, but he doesn't want me to, maybe he's embarassed, but he has no need to be. Unlike you, I don't agree with the partner going and trying other people, but I guess it could be something thats in their mindset that could wake them up. I just don't think I could take my bf back after 6 years if he felt he had to test the waters with other girls to find out if I was the one. Does anyone else feel like that? I feel that way because I know that I would not have to do that to know if I wanted to be with him, and that it would hurt him greatly if I did, so I don't expect it to happen to me either. So I am trying to stay strong, but he knows that I care.... deep down, where he doesn't want to admit it, he knows that I care for him a great deal. My only concern is that before this all started, I sent him a really harsh email saying that he was acting like a spoilt child etc etc. I hope I wasn't too harsh and that's why he's pushing me away, but I didn't realise he was depressed at the time. Ohh I don't know, it's still all confusing. And I'm still trying to blame myself I guess :nono: !!!

Anyway rd, keep in touch and let me know how you go and how you handled the situation. I hope that your gf realises what a gem she has in you before it's too late... not many in your/our situation would be patient enough to put up with that for so long.

All my best wishes to you!!! :angel:

PS. Maybe if you know that you do not want to marry this girl, then it's time to admit that she is beyond your help and let some other young lady benefit from all you have to give?


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