HealthBoards

HealthBoards (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/)
-   Relationship Health (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/)
-   -   No choice but to let go? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/226495-no-choice-but-let-go.html)

eightball61 11-28-2004 06:16 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=StormGirl]
I do think that my bf is trying to stay in touch with me. [/QUOTE]


Its a risk talk to him because it pushes all your thought back on what you think he wants. Talking to him isn't making things much better. It is up to you because you know the situation best but if you wanted to move on from this and heal the hurt then it maybe best that you lose the contact. It will hurt much worse at first on not talking to him because you want to but eventually you will see why its not worth talking to him. Remember he is the one that needed space so now you should give it to him.

SophiaM 11-28-2004 08:41 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
What do you mean by "cut you off"? Did he hang up on you in the middle of the conversation and then wasn't picking up the phone when you tried to call him back? That's just so childish and mean at the same time. Frankly, I don't buy his "depression" story. Sorry but I don't. Sounds like an excuse to me more than anything else. I would try my best not to wait for this boy to come to his senses. Why don't you go on a date with one of the guys your friends are trying to fix you up with? You don't have to rush into anything. Just go on a date and rediscover how it feels when someone is excited about you and enjoying spending time with you.

rd1978 11-28-2004 09:07 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
hey storm girl now youve done it now im going off on a tangent ;) let me be perfectly honest with you i wasnt the boyfriend i should have been in the past,, i didnt cheat or anything like that,,, i was 21 she was 19,, first serious,, first love,,, alof of people had told me stay away from her she is weird .etc.etc.... she is a very attractive girl and we ended up getting togethor,,, she did alot of things and acted alot of way's that she had no explanations for,, i got the {{accept me for me or dont talk to me,, and the first 2 years she did anything she could for me her world revolved around me ,,I went out with my friends alot etc.etc. didnt always bring her out,, had alot of friends that were girls,,,i was in love with this girl but to immateur to accept what ever was wrong with her which cause all the different thigns she did and the moodswings,,, so apon come a guy who is a major scumbag,, and a bartender ,, tells her everything she wants to hear and being the insecure neive person she falls for it ,, we get back to gethor and it hapens again with some other idiot,,, so then basically i confess my love explain she is the only person i se in my future etc etc. we get back togethor that brings us up to about 8 months ago,,,,, now she also went thru 6 colleges in the past made many horrible decisions etc.etc. so it was always hard for me to get close with her,,, because i was always thinking what kind of wife or mother could i possibly have here,,,,, so months ago i started doing alot of research and im coming to realize it is a disease running her life ,,,, i dont think she knows that ,,, i think she always just said this is me? when she gets stressed her body cannot handle it and she becomes a totally different person,, a immateur,, a selfish ,,, mind going a million miles an hour extremly hiper active ,, not knowing what is coming out of her mouth ,, it goes on and on,,,,i cannot stand how gullible she is when it comes to talking to other guys and what they are telling her,,,she was the most negative person around me,, and i talked to her yesterday and she was like you were always so negative around me im glad i dont have to deal with that anymore,,, Its like i cant win i did alot of things to try to help this girl,, but it came across the wrong way i more or less tried to teach her lessons but ti backfired,,,, so i am on a mission to talk to her im wrting a list of thigns i want her to explain to me ,, show her research i have ,, show her the posts in the bi-polar board,, im just afriad im going to have a hard time getting thru ,,, at the moment she is acting ,, manic which is a bipolar term and she thinks she is on top of the world ,,,becomes irresponsable etc.etc. this has happened everythime we had big break ups,,,It was just very hard for me to belive a person didnt always mean what they were doing or saying sometimes,, but we are made up of chemicals and if something in our body do not react right then the chemical is out of balance and thats where medication come's in to even things out,,,,,,,,,talking to her is going to be the hard part :dizzy: im going to do it very soon i think ?? I have alot of time invested and the times when she is "herself" she is the greatest person,,, but lately that seems to be far and few.......phewwwww im exausted :yawn:

NOW stormgirl..... i know the feeling you get everytime you talk to him,, i know how bad you want to talk to him in person and try to help him,,, but he is going to need to want the help,, otherwise its going to seem all that annoying to him even though he knows your giving your heart to him ,, he should be damn lucky to have a girl like you,, there arent many left in this wonderfull world it has become,,, i dont think he wants to lose you BUT its not fair for him to be inbetween either ,,
i do not know the whole situation ,,, BUT it seems he wants his space and the depression may be a big factor in this also? i dont know what you have said to him so far,, but maybe telling him you want to work on this togethor with him,, and if thats not what he wants,,, then tell him your going to accept that ,, then LEAVE HIM ALONE as hard as it may be dont call dont the lessa you talk to him after you have said what you wanted to get of your chest.. etc.etc. the ball is in his court and that that point let go as best a possible,,, doesnt mean he wont come back doesnt mean your going to lose him,, but you need to heal and talking to him isnt going to do that,, out of sight out of mind as best as possible,, the hurt will go away in time,,, HONESTLY thats my advice but when your in a situation its nice to hear what outsiders say but they dont know the whole situation ,,,its very easly to just tell someone something,, but they arent in our shoes,,,,,, someone once told me you have to do whats best for you !!

rd1978 11-28-2004 09:15 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
by the way,, i dont want to tell you to play games but... if he knows your there if he knows your wating around this empowers him to act the childish way he has,, there is no need for that in a 6 year relationship,, i may have done silly things in the past but ive learned from my mistakes,,,,,

eightball61 11-28-2004 04:30 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=rd1978]by the way,, i dont want to tell you to play games but... if he knows your there if he knows your wating around this empowers him to act the childish way he has,, there is no need for that in a 6 year relationship,, i may have done silly things in the past but ive learned from my mistakes,,,,,[/QUOTE]


This is very true and good post here. There is no need for childest act because they are both adults. We all have done dumb things but learned from them and thats why we have the boards to give advice to those on what they should or shouldn't do.

StormGirl 11-28-2004 11:52 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Well, an update. He messaged me at 4am this morning to tell me that he misses me. Any other time, I would be thrilled, but I am not this time for some reason. Maybe it is because I know that it will take more than "missing me" to fix this. I wasn't going to, but I sent a message back saying that it really doesn't show (from the way he has behaved the last couple of weeks), especially since you don't even want to talk to me. And that was it. It is going to take a lot of work to get this back on track (if that is where he is heading with his message), so although it made me feel a little better, it also didn't. And if he has no intention of trying to make it work, then why message me and hurt me further? When he contacted me yesterday afternoon, I was tempted to tell him that if he doesn't want to talk about our relationship (or anything else important), then please do not contact me at all, because it is hindering my grieving period. I should have, but I don't want to sound too harsh. So things have not really changed much, except for the fact that he misses me. I would expect that after 6 years together anyway, but it's along way from "loving me" or trying to work on our relationship, and still gives me no clue on where it all stands. But you can't turn your feelings off, especially when someone you love is depressed, and I still love him very much, so I'm still staying strong, and trying to be realistic about what needs to be done. He still seems to be very down though...

rd1978 11-29-2004 05:36 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Yes i got those i miss you's i miss you's ,, i love you's i want to be with you's ,, then after refusing to talk to her her mindset changed and she became anit me as much as possible but there is a mental illness in my situation also,,,
BUT at least he did reach out and be honest about it,, hopefully it was truly meant for the reasons that most of us think it would be,,,,and your damn right its going to take alot of work,,, me and my ex whenever there were problems we would bolth clam up and not talk about it,, or talk it thru,,I wILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN nothing gets solved whatsoeer that way........

eightball61 11-29-2004 07:07 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=StormGirl] Any other time, I would be thrilled, but I am not this time for some reason. Maybe it is because I know that it will take more than "missing me" to fix this. I wasn't going to, but I sent a message back saying that it really doesn't show (from the way he has behaved the last couple of weeks), [B]especially since you don't even want to talk to me[/B]. [/QUOTE]


Read this over and over again...The only time he does talk to you it messes with you head like this. Its now getting annoying and you are letting him know that. Its going to be like this unless you make a stand to him saying you want to move on because this isn't helping.

elatedgiraffe 11-30-2004 07:59 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=StormGirl]so Elated, I may need that hand to pull me up sometimes... and hopefully I can do the same for you if needed. :angel:

PS. Whilst prayer has not been a huge part of my life, I will remember to thank God for sending me to this site... :)[/QUOTE]

Just ask and you'll have my hand :angel: We'll get through this no matter what the outcome, right?

I'm proud of you. You seem to be handling it better than me. You are really staying strong by not going back to old ways (drinking, dating losers, etc.). I'm having a hard time with that right now. Stay strong and your strength and courage gives me the hope that I can too get through this without running around trying to numb the pain. Thats so what I'm doing, but I don't know what else to do. Whatever gets me through the day I guess.

rd1978 11-30-2004 08:11 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
hey stormgirl,, just wanted to let you know my ex has called me last night we talked for about an hour and a half just stuff in general not about us,,,But she was drunk,,,she went and got a bottle of wine and a movie,, and drank the whole bottle and procedded to tell me how she has been drinking every night since last tuesday,,,, she said she has been so happy and content for the last month without being stressed out and what not,,,,, but she mentioned about being not so happy last night but didnt really get into it,, the conversationwent really well,,, im not happy about her drinking it's more of a self medication and such :nono: ,,,but talking to her was a start,, she said there was a movie coming out she wanted to see and she asked if i would go see it with her,,,oh well just take it day by day,,, i do know she loves me very much ,, and she is trying to be so strong,,,, im just hoping her talking to me tonight wasnt just some kind of quick fix,, to make her feel better,, in my heart i doubht it ,, the road is long with the insecurities and what not ,,, and paret of the time I dont know when i actually dealing with "her" and not the girl she can be driven to be

StormGirl 11-30-2004 02:17 PM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Hi Elated and rd... hey I've gotta run cause I'm gonna be late for work, but I just wanted to say thanks for the posts, good to hear from you, and I will reply when I get home from work!! (my work restricts access to this site :confused: ).

Elated, just wanna tell you, I'm not always so strong... I just am a very good actress hehehe :) But yes, we WILL get through this...

Talk to you when I get home from work!!!

StormGirl 12-01-2004 12:16 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Hey guys!!

rd... it is good to hear you sounding a little more upbeat. I too hope that it wasn't just a quick fix on her part. I guess it's a positive sign if you two are talking again. Like you said, you can only take it one step at a time and see how you go. It's also good that there seemed to be no pressure or anything in the conversation, which would seem good for her. Still, I think it is imperative for you to try and get her some help. Any sort of mental illness can be quite devastating, and the longer it's left, the worse the repercussions. She may just need to talk things out with a therapist... who knows? But you need to do it for herself and you, so that if you do get back together, you may have a better chance at guessing which "she" you are talking to. She seems to be very confused, and a little irrational. You have to realise though, that no matter what path you take, the road is indeed going to be very rocky, and even bleak at times. Are you prepared for that? I don't doubt for a second that you both love each other very much, but it takes more than just love to make a relationship work, and I know that you are willing to work at it... but is she? Well I guess that is the question we are all looking for here isn't it? My best advice is to keep going how your going. Keep your own life rolling along, and keep the communication with her open. Take it slowly, and warily and remember to look after yourself too. You seem to know what it will take to get this back up and running, so I can only wish you all the best. You have been a tremendous support, so just take your own advice, and you should be fine, and if not, I will be here to help you as you have done. Keep me posted, and I have my fingers crossed that things will take a positive turn for you!!!

Oh Elated, what can I say? We are like 2 little peas in a pod at the moment. You say I am strong, but I can't afford to drop the ball at the moment, so I struggle on. The reason I haven't gone back to my destructive ways... well, I just can't be bothered. Plain and simple. But don't beat yourself up over how you are handling things, everyone reacts differently, and the point is, you ARE getting through this. Slowly, maybe, but you are. Whilst my facade may seem different, there is not a minute in the day that I don't struggle with this. Every minute is a conscious effort to get through and tell myself that it's not my fault, I've done everything I can, and that whatever happens, I will be okay. But it's not always easy. Every minute I ask myself the same questions, but the answers never come. I can say that I have closed off a little and have tried to "distance" myself from the pain, act like it's not really there... but it's waiting for me. So I guess I too am trying to bury the truth, but we are getting there aren't we? Who's to say what is the wrong and right ways to go about it? I will try and stay strong, and I am sure you will too. We will do it together, and after a while, will be able to look back and be proud that, no matter how, we did it. And we will be happy again, I promise you. You have much more courage than you give yourself credit for you know...

Well, I spoke to him last night. I tried to get him to open up, but he really didn't have much to say other than that he does still love me, but just doesn't know what he wants from life in general. The longer it goes on, the more I am convinced that it is a true depression - he is just a different person incapable of rationalising anything. I have read some info and he has all the symptoms. He cut it short again by saying that he would call later, which he didn't. He just has no interest in anything in life at the moment. And damn it, every time he contacts me, I slip backwards... I asked him not to contact me until he is ready to talk about him, and us.

Well I think I have said enough now.... hope to hear from you soon (hopefully with good news Elated and rd :D ).

eightball61 12-01-2004 06:57 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=StormGirl]

Well, I spoke to him last night. I tried to get him to open up, but he really didn't have much to say other than that he does still love me, but just doesn't know what he wants from life in general. The longer it goes on, the more I am convinced that it is a true depression - he is just a different person incapable of rationalising anything. I have read some info and he has all the symptoms. He cut it short again by saying that he would call later, which he didn't. He just has no interest in anything in life at the moment. And damn it, every time he contacts me, I slip backwards... I asked him not to contact me until he is ready to talk about him, and us.
[/QUOTE]


I don't want to sound like the thread bum-hole here but if he is going through a depression state its good that you are there for him but I persoanlly dont think talking about the relationship is helping. He is letting you go and sounds down about it. This is something that he has to work on.

As a friend or caring person its great that you are thier for him but remember you can only do so much to help. I think for the time being its best that you both stop talking about the relationship and put that on hold. Take a different approach of being a caring friend. You say he has the signs of depression but you dont really know. Take that friendly role and see if he opens up to you to talk about things.

elatedgiraffe 12-01-2004 08:32 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=StormGirl]Oh Elated, what can I say? We are like 2 little peas in a pod at the moment. You say I am strong, but I can't afford to drop the ball at the moment, so I struggle on. The reason I haven't gone back to my destructive ways... well, I just can't be bothered. Plain and simple. But don't beat yourself up over how you are handling things, everyone reacts differently, and the point is, you ARE getting through this. Slowly, maybe, but you are. Whilst my facade may seem different, there is not a minute in the day that I don't struggle with this. Every minute is a conscious effort to get through and tell myself that it's not my fault, I've done everything I can, and that whatever happens, I will be okay. But it's not always easy. Every minute I ask myself the same questions, but the answers never come. I can say that I have closed off a little and have tried to "distance" myself from the pain, act like it's not really there... but it's waiting for me. So I guess I too am trying to bury the truth, but we are getting there aren't we? Who's to say what is the wrong and right ways to go about it? I will try and stay strong, and I am sure you will too. We will do it together, and after a while, will be able to look back and be proud that, no matter how, we did it. And we will be happy again, I promise you. You have much more courage than you give yourself credit for you know...
[/QUOTE]


Thanks for the encouragment :angel: You're right everyone handles things differently and the fact that I'm here today posting is proof that I am getting through this oneway or another. I know all about asking yourself the same questions over and over. It can make you feel like you are loosing your mind. I finally got to a point where I accepted that I don't have the answers and may never have them. I think that you will know when you are ready to make a decision about this or cut off contact from him for awhile. I completely understand how everytime you speak to him you slide backwards..it happened to me too and I got to a point that I couldn't take it anymore. Even now, in order for me to move forward I cannot contact him in anyway. I finally sent him an e-mail for my own closure, have said all I can and now I'm off to begin a new chapter in life. Until he knows what he wants he will put you on an emotional rollar coaster. You'll know when you can't talk to him anymore, and please if you hit that rock bottom like I did at that moment please come here and we'll do what we can. Hang in there! You are so right, we'll be okay no matter what. In the end it will all work out..life always has a way of working itself out. If we just let go sometimes and trust life maybe things would all fall into place a little easier.

eightball61 12-01-2004 08:41 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
[QUOTE=elatedgiraffe]Thanks for the encouragment :angel: You're right everyone handles things differently and the fact that I'm here today posting is proof that I am getting through this oneway or another. I know all about asking yourself the same questions over and over. It can make you feel like you are loosing your mind. I finally got to a point where I accepted that I don't have the answers and may never have them. I think that you will know when you are ready to make a decision about this or cut off contact from him for awhile. I completely understand how everytime you speak to him you slide backwards..it happened to me too and I got to a point that I couldn't take it anymore. Even now, in order for me to move forward I cannot contact him in anyway. I finally sent him an e-mail for my own closure, have said all I can and now I'm off to begin a new chapter in life. Until he knows what he wants he will put you on an emotional rollar coaster. You'll know when you can't talk to him anymore, and please if you hit that rock bottom like I did at that moment please come here and we'll do what we can. Hang in there! You are so right, we'll be okay no matter what. In the end it will all work out..life always has a way of working itself out. If we just let go sometimes and trust life maybe things would all fall into place a little easier.[/QUOTE]


Elated,

I have been wanted to say something for some time and I think now is the time. I just wanted say that it does seem you are getting by. It has been hard as you know but you are making improvements and thats all it matters. I dont want to take another persons thread but I just wanted to add that piece and say thatnks for helping people out knowing you are going through the same thing. :angel: You are a charm & don't ever change ;)

sugarpye 12-01-2004 08:52 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
????????????

ladivapr 12-01-2004 08:54 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Thanks for that refreshing message jesusislord. :wave:


[QUOTE=Jesus-is-Lord]Trust me, Pray to Jesus and ask him to give you understanding and comfort and He will. No matter what you hear in this world, our Lord Jesus Loves to heal, comfort, guide and bless us, the rest are lies and our sicknesses and pain brought on by mans ways. try it, youll be blessed so much you wont even feel that agonizing pain any more, you still have to go through life wich can be distressing but with the Lord on your side, you will have nothing to fear, for he is Faithfull even when we are not. Just pray that you believe God loves us so much that He sent his only Son (Jesus) to die for our sins, and by trusting in His son Jesus ask for him to forgive your sins and you will enter into a personal relationship with Him, wich He will Bless Forever !! I Promise you Your Pain and Heartache will be taken away !!
God Bless You in your time of need and for the rest of your days in Him.[/QUOTE]

sugarpye 12-01-2004 09:00 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
I agree it is up lifting but we also have the ability to make our own choices. I myself belive is Jesus our lord and God but also belive that we are responsible for our own decisions and....we have to accept the things we can not change and and change the things we can and have the ability to know the difference...this we ask of god!

StormGirl 12-02-2004 12:35 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Having a real bad day today. I just can't seem to function properly and I don't really want to be ANYWHERE. I think that you are right Elated that the depression has hit me a little (like a ton of bricks actually :D ). Sorry to let you down Elated, but at the moment I barely have the strength to type... I have been reading some other posts and would like to help, but I think... what help would I be when I can't get myself together? And would I be giving advice that I myself AM NOT taking? I hate myself when I'm like this, I hate being miserable and I want to kick my own ***!!! I try so hard to be strong all the time though that I guess I am allowed to let my guard down sometimes right? I am so bad today that I called his house, not to talk or ask questions etc, but just to hear his voice, cause for the last 6 years I have always turned to him. He spoke to me a little and I apologised for calling him, but just said that I needed to hear a friendly voice, but I didn't talk to him for long and said that I had to go. I shouldn't have called, I know... but I just feel so ummmmmm... blank today, and really sad.

Any news rd?

Elated, remind me again that it will get better please? :) Oh and by the way, I agree with eightball... you are doing great and a wonderful support for many others. :angel:

goody2shuz 12-02-2004 06:13 AM

Re: No choice but to let go?
 
Stormgirl...Hi it's Goody :wave: I've been a little wrapped up in my own little world and was there when Elated was going through very much the same as you. I must agree with Ruth here in saying that you have wonderful advice to give to others and please don';t stop.

We have all gone through what you & Elated have to some degree....I know I have and one thing I'd like to pick up on is something you said in one of your earlier posts...that you want to take this time to get to know YOU better. I think that is a WODERFUL idea and should be your main focus now. For 6 years you were the extension of another person and you don't need to beat yourself up about getting in touch with him. You can't really help that right now. But if you do focus on YOU and being your own best friend you will be able to get through this.....with time and the support of others. It doesn't mean that you need to go out and date someone...take advantage of this time to focus on YOU :D Go out car shopping...you're in your mid twenties and deserve a new car if you can afford one!!! You were driving HIS around....find your own. It's good that you are with your family...you need their support, but there may come a time when you are standing on your own two feet again that you may consider looking for your own place. A place to call your own...to decorate and to celebrate a new independence. You have to realize that you are just as valuable without your ex.

Bottomline...what you are experiencing is all quite normal....and it will get better with your share of ups and downs. Just be true to yourself....and as hard as it is...do not call him anymore, as you have discovered it just pulls you back and only makes you feel worse. Know that there are many here for you...Goody :wave:

PS.......And one more thing.....It will get better :angel: :angel: :angel:


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:21 AM.