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  • No choice but to let go?

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    Old 11-27-2004, 01:55 PM   #31
    StormGirl
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Thanks Ruth, it's nice to know that I am helping. It makes me feel good to try and help others, and it's a good reminder that there are others out there that may be in a more dire situation than me!!!

    Well, some may not agree, but to take care of myself I have sort of been in exile. I have had many offers to go out etc etc, but at the moment I am trying to unlearn alot of my old habits to accept that this may be the start of a new life for me now, just trying to get my head around it. I haven't really been on my own for 11 years, so I am trying to get used to just learning to be on my own and enjoy my own company (although I am still at home, so I have my family here). Maybe in a couple of weeks I will be ready to go out and enjoy myself with friends, but I just don't feel ready yet. I do not want to go off the deep end like I did last time. I drank too much, saw too many men that were really not good types and just generally did silly things to try and escape. This time, considering my age also, I would like to maintain dignity and try to accept things slowly instead of jumping into things to try and cover up the pain. The thing with my friends especially is that they are already talking, what about this guy, maybe you should date this guy etc etc.... NOOOOOOOO!!! I do not want to be with any other guy at the moment, and will take some time for this to change. I have been working on relationships for the past 11 years, and would now just like a break to think about me first (re-phrase: I do not want a break, but since I have been given one may as well make the most of it). I just want to figure out who I am on my own. And I guess in some small way, that I don't want to admit, I am waiting for him to come to his senses....I know, bad girl, but I just can't help it. I still have that little flicker of hope.

    Well it is Sunday morning here, and I have almost made it through another weekend. Still very up and down though. My phone has been ringing and no caller id has been coming up. It rings for a few rings and then hangs up. I know that it is him, and I know that he is trying to get me to make the first move and ring him, but I've stayed strong. I keep remembering eightball's words that I totally agree with that I have put in enough effort already. Depression or not, he has to take responsibility at some point.

    Thanks all for helping me to stay strong, I know that I would have crumbled long ago if I had not come here. I know that either way this thing goes, there are many tough times ahead still, so Elated, I may need that hand to pull me up sometimes... and hopefully I can do the same for you if needed.

    PS. Whilst prayer has not been a huge part of my life, I will remember to thank God for sending me to this site...
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    Old 11-27-2004, 02:18 PM   #32
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Ruth your story gives me hope. Sorry Storm for your sadness right now. I really do know how you feel. I imagine it helps to post your often here and have the friendship online. Sometimes it nice to know that your feelings are validated.

    It really does sound like your guy might have to be on his own and able to feel like he is doing more for you and your relationship. I really hope some time will help him figure out what he needs. In any event know that whatever happens you will be fine.

     
    Old 11-27-2004, 05:06 PM   #33
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    hey stromgirl keep your head up and stay strong,,, go day by day,, i know your going to have your good days and your bad day's some times time will fly by other times it will seem like its dragging,,, what ever you do ,, dont give in to this guy , dont be mean though,, he needs to earn your respect and gain a sense of reality,,,
    i myself have some thing's in commen with you i just got out of a 5 + year relationship with a girl who is on the other end of the spectrum,, she isnt really depressed ,,, she has some type of mental health disorder that i am in the process of trying to figure out,, which i believe she has been suffering for it for along time but has no clue about it she more or less runs from it,,,,but she is always wired ,, has a hard time controlling what comes out of her mouth,, outbursts,, a fake sense of reality,,looks for attention from other people and takes what other people say and seems to write it in stone even though its her life and her decisions and her future,, and def thrives off of attention from other people to make herself feel better,,, th relationship wasnt the best all the way thru but i love her she loves me but she is completely out in left field right now drinking constantly,, acting tough being unfair,,, but this time she doesnt want to date anyone,, where in the past she ran right off and got into it with someone 2 times {{ please dont do that it will only mess your head up more,, its just a quick fix}} sorry i had to vent
    But hey you never know just take it day by day he might have caught a sense of reality like whoah,,, this could really be it ,, and got a little scared,,, {{stole that out of an email my ex wrote me a month ago }} i see he is an insecure person ,, well so was my ex, extremelly insecure makes it very very tough,,, and they seem to place blame unfairly,, im going to keep tabs on this post keey your head up ,, its only going to get better,,,, and please dont make excuses for him he is a grown adult......ive done it all to much

     
    Old 11-27-2004, 05:28 PM   #34
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Hey rd!!

    Thanks for the support and well wishes, and I am sorry to hear of your own situation. Do you think that you will be able to work it out, or have you accepted that there is nothing you can do and tried to move on? I too, like you, have made way too many excuses and had to shut off my own pain to keep the peace. I think of that everytime I get the urge to call him. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly, miss him muchly but I'm tired of keeping the relationship running on my own, especially when he is being very disrespectful to my feelings. It is his turn to show SOMETHING now. And he has no reason to be insecure, I have stuck by him through thick and thin, even when things got really tough for us, so I don't feel that it is a good excuse anymore. But I do know that his life has fallen apart a little, and maybe he does need some time to figure things out and get his head around it all.... I just didn't see how cutting me out would help him get back on his feet, but that is his choice.

    Oh I would never jump into seeing someone else. First I would have to make sure that I felt it was definitely over before I could move onto anything with another man, but at the moment, I am simply not interested.... I love my man too much (even though I'm angry as anything too!!).

    Again, thanks for your support and I will keep you updated on how things pan out.... please do the same and let me know how you are going and how you are holding up.
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    Old 11-27-2004, 06:46 PM   #35
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Oh why do I do it to myself? He initiated a conversation with me (asked a silly question), but when I started to respond he cut it off again. So I tried to call and again, he didn't bother to answer his phone. Why don't I ever learn? I have gone back about 10 steps now and can't stop crying. Why would anyone do this?
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    Old 11-27-2004, 07:48 PM   #36
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by StormGirl
    Oh why do I do it to myself? :


    Why???? because you keep thinking deep down that there is hope and his decision to come back will happen. He has not proven to do that so you need to come out of all of this to build anger and get annoyed of these games. The anger will help you not get back to him or talk to him. STOP CALLING HIM ALL TOGETHER and if he continues to call tell him you are done and you dont want to talk. If he continues then threaten harrassment. I know thats far fetched and you may not be able to do that but those word just seemed great to put down. ONLY YOU CAN STOP THIS... You have to learn to be strong and only you can do that. Our words may help some at the moment but when he calls you will be thinking otherwise and that why you need to listen to the other half of your brain and just leave it all be.

    I know its hard for you and as other posters put thier own stories here its hard over all but only the strong survive. There have been many people hear like Redoorbuck that has gotten over a hard thing like this. It seems like things have came to an end but you spent 6 years trying to work as one with another person. Now you have to re-learn how to work life as yourself. IF you need counseling to help then go but you are the only one that can take charge. I hope you see what I am trying to say but keep posting and we will be here for you

     
    Old 11-27-2004, 08:12 PM   #37
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Thanks eightball... just needed my daily kick up the bum! I think I'm going psychotic with these disastrous mood swings...
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    Last edited by StormGirl; 11-27-2004 at 08:22 PM.

     
    Old 11-27-2004, 08:26 PM   #38
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by StormGirl
    Thanks eightball... just needed my daily kick up the bum! I think I'm going psychotic with these disastrous mood swings...

    It is just the mood swings but you know within time you will be happy again. Don't think its the end of the world because it isn't. Relationships aren't made to go your way. As the bright side its better that you know this now rather than being ingaged or married and this happening. Everything happens for a reason and I am a firm believer to this. I have never gone through a heartbreak like this or what other posters have gone through. I may go through it or I may not and if I do I know I would be in you all shoes but you need to make the best of it and stay strong. It is a set back but thing will get better.

     
    Old 11-28-2004, 01:03 AM   #39
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    hey stormGirl:as far as me and her working things out? I dont know i do know from a long time ago i said i couldnt see myself marrying this girl,, she had alot of issues that i wouldnt want to be attached with for life,,, but i do love her and i do relaize that thes problems are somethign she cannot control ,, BUT it is hard and aggravating for me to hear her say how she has talked to other guys and they told her she was stupid for staying with me etc.etc.they are basically telling her what she wants to hear ,, for 1 reason or another ,,, AND i doubht that she told them how she was to me,,
    ARE they the 1 who has spent countless hours on the internet trying to figure out what is different about her and talked to numerous people in hope of getting an awnser and finding a solution to her problem's,,, i am going to give it 1 more try and talk to her about everythign and her "problem" as best as i know how it has always been in the dark and never braught up,, and did honestly create 70% of our relationship problems,,{ im not saying I am perfect} but it is hard for me to be honest with her about that because i do not want to put the blame on her........
    so i do not know what will happen but maybe it will take her to date other people and if it goes longer than 5-6 months they might just get ot know the real her and then she will know who the genuine guy was ,, that she left to prove a point to herself and her pride,, she really needs a reality check on life ,, and she will eventually get it

    AS for YOU i dont know why people push someone away like that but it does happen,, i honestly think its immateur but who am i to say,, i dont know what he is feeling ,, i dont know where his emmotiones are,, But i do know it is common to instead of grab the one you love and pull them closer when your depressed,, they push the people important away from them for some reason,, i would just leave him alone,, i know its easier said than done but just let him be,, i think he needs or wants attention,, so if you stop calling he might get somewhat of a wakeup call,,, i mean let him know you care if you must but there will be no waiting around because you are not getting any younger.....

     
    Old 11-28-2004, 01:27 AM   #40
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Nice to hear from you again rd. I can relate so much to how you say your relationship was. I too want to now talk to him about his depression (or whatever it is) but do not want to push him about it. I do feel bad that I didn't pick up on it before, but I have ALWAYS tried to do the right thing by him and have done the best I could, as you seem to have also. Your gf seems to be a bit worse off than my bf and seems to be a little more self destructive, which doesn't help you at all. I know the feeling of trying to do everything for them for years, and they don't see or appreciate it, and it gets thrown back in your face. For years my life has revolved around him as yours has around your gf, and then one day, it's all gone. You say that you haven't been perfect either, but I bet you've been a damn sight closer than your gf has. Just remember that it's not your fault, and that you've done much more for her than probably others have. It irks me that there are guys out there telling her that she shouldn't stay with you etc etc... there are always 2 sides to a story, and I bet they never get to here your side. She does need a reality check, and I hope it comes sooner than later. You seem to be a very nice person and I would hate to think that you are getting so torn up because of this.

    I do think that my bf is trying to stay in touch with me. I have gone for extended periods where I have not called him, and when he does make contact, my defenses weaken. But I have not tried to initiate any contact for some time, and it is not only helpful to me, but I feel it is drumming home the point to him. But I just do not want this to drag on forever. I really want to help him, but he doesn't want me to, maybe he's embarassed, but he has no need to be. Unlike you, I don't agree with the partner going and trying other people, but I guess it could be something thats in their mindset that could wake them up. I just don't think I could take my bf back after 6 years if he felt he had to test the waters with other girls to find out if I was the one. Does anyone else feel like that? I feel that way because I know that I would not have to do that to know if I wanted to be with him, and that it would hurt him greatly if I did, so I don't expect it to happen to me either. So I am trying to stay strong, but he knows that I care.... deep down, where he doesn't want to admit it, he knows that I care for him a great deal. My only concern is that before this all started, I sent him a really harsh email saying that he was acting like a spoilt child etc etc. I hope I wasn't too harsh and that's why he's pushing me away, but I didn't realise he was depressed at the time. Ohh I don't know, it's still all confusing. And I'm still trying to blame myself I guess !!!

    Anyway rd, keep in touch and let me know how you go and how you handled the situation. I hope that your gf realises what a gem she has in you before it's too late... not many in your/our situation would be patient enough to put up with that for so long.

    All my best wishes to you!!!

    PS. Maybe if you know that you do not want to marry this girl, then it's time to admit that she is beyond your help and let some other young lady benefit from all you have to give?
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    Last edited by StormGirl; 11-28-2004 at 01:42 AM.

     
    Old 11-28-2004, 05:16 AM   #41
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by StormGirl
    I do think that my bf is trying to stay in touch with me.

    Its a risk talk to him because it pushes all your thought back on what you think he wants. Talking to him isn't making things much better. It is up to you because you know the situation best but if you wanted to move on from this and heal the hurt then it maybe best that you lose the contact. It will hurt much worse at first on not talking to him because you want to but eventually you will see why its not worth talking to him. Remember he is the one that needed space so now you should give it to him.

     
    Old 11-28-2004, 07:41 AM   #42
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    What do you mean by "cut you off"? Did he hang up on you in the middle of the conversation and then wasn't picking up the phone when you tried to call him back? That's just so childish and mean at the same time. Frankly, I don't buy his "depression" story. Sorry but I don't. Sounds like an excuse to me more than anything else. I would try my best not to wait for this boy to come to his senses. Why don't you go on a date with one of the guys your friends are trying to fix you up with? You don't have to rush into anything. Just go on a date and rediscover how it feels when someone is excited about you and enjoying spending time with you.

     
    Old 11-28-2004, 08:07 AM   #43
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    hey storm girl now youve done it now im going off on a tangent let me be perfectly honest with you i wasnt the boyfriend i should have been in the past,, i didnt cheat or anything like that,,, i was 21 she was 19,, first serious,, first love,,, alof of people had told me stay away from her she is weird .etc.etc.... she is a very attractive girl and we ended up getting togethor,,, she did alot of things and acted alot of way's that she had no explanations for,, i got the {{accept me for me or dont talk to me,, and the first 2 years she did anything she could for me her world revolved around me ,,I went out with my friends alot etc.etc. didnt always bring her out,, had alot of friends that were girls,,,i was in love with this girl but to immateur to accept what ever was wrong with her which cause all the different thigns she did and the moodswings,,, so apon come a guy who is a major scumbag,, and a bartender ,, tells her everything she wants to hear and being the insecure neive person she falls for it ,, we get back to gethor and it hapens again with some other idiot,,, so then basically i confess my love explain she is the only person i se in my future etc etc. we get back togethor that brings us up to about 8 months ago,,,,, now she also went thru 6 colleges in the past made many horrible decisions etc.etc. so it was always hard for me to get close with her,,, because i was always thinking what kind of wife or mother could i possibly have here,,,,, so months ago i started doing alot of research and im coming to realize it is a disease running her life ,,,, i dont think she knows that ,,, i think she always just said this is me? when she gets stressed her body cannot handle it and she becomes a totally different person,, a immateur,, a selfish ,,, mind going a million miles an hour extremly hiper active ,, not knowing what is coming out of her mouth ,, it goes on and on,,,,i cannot stand how gullible she is when it comes to talking to other guys and what they are telling her,,,she was the most negative person around me,, and i talked to her yesterday and she was like you were always so negative around me im glad i dont have to deal with that anymore,,, Its like i cant win i did alot of things to try to help this girl,, but it came across the wrong way i more or less tried to teach her lessons but ti backfired,,,, so i am on a mission to talk to her im wrting a list of thigns i want her to explain to me ,, show her research i have ,, show her the posts in the bi-polar board,, im just afriad im going to have a hard time getting thru ,,, at the moment she is acting ,, manic which is a bipolar term and she thinks she is on top of the world ,,,becomes irresponsable etc.etc. this has happened everythime we had big break ups,,,It was just very hard for me to belive a person didnt always mean what they were doing or saying sometimes,, but we are made up of chemicals and if something in our body do not react right then the chemical is out of balance and thats where medication come's in to even things out,,,,,,,,,talking to her is going to be the hard part im going to do it very soon i think ?? I have alot of time invested and the times when she is "herself" she is the greatest person,,, but lately that seems to be far and few.......phewwwww im exausted

    NOW stormgirl..... i know the feeling you get everytime you talk to him,, i know how bad you want to talk to him in person and try to help him,,, but he is going to need to want the help,, otherwise its going to seem all that annoying to him even though he knows your giving your heart to him ,, he should be damn lucky to have a girl like you,, there arent many left in this wonderfull world it has become,,, i dont think he wants to lose you BUT its not fair for him to be inbetween either ,,
    i do not know the whole situation ,,, BUT it seems he wants his space and the depression may be a big factor in this also? i dont know what you have said to him so far,, but maybe telling him you want to work on this togethor with him,, and if thats not what he wants,,, then tell him your going to accept that ,, then LEAVE HIM ALONE as hard as it may be dont call dont the lessa you talk to him after you have said what you wanted to get of your chest.. etc.etc. the ball is in his court and that that point let go as best a possible,,, doesnt mean he wont come back doesnt mean your going to lose him,, but you need to heal and talking to him isnt going to do that,, out of sight out of mind as best as possible,, the hurt will go away in time,,, HONESTLY thats my advice but when your in a situation its nice to hear what outsiders say but they dont know the whole situation ,,,its very easly to just tell someone something,, but they arent in our shoes,,,,,, someone once told me you have to do whats best for you !!

     
    Old 11-28-2004, 08:15 AM   #44
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    by the way,, i dont want to tell you to play games but... if he knows your there if he knows your wating around this empowers him to act the childish way he has,, there is no need for that in a 6 year relationship,, i may have done silly things in the past but ive learned from my mistakes,,,,,

     
    Old 11-28-2004, 03:30 PM   #45
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    Re: No choice but to let go?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rd1978
    by the way,, i dont want to tell you to play games but... if he knows your there if he knows your wating around this empowers him to act the childish way he has,, there is no need for that in a 6 year relationship,, i may have done silly things in the past but ive learned from my mistakes,,,,,

    This is very true and good post here. There is no need for childest act because they are both adults. We all have done dumb things but learned from them and thats why we have the boards to give advice to those on what they should or shouldn't do.

     
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