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how hard is it...

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Old 11-22-2004, 01:19 PM   #1
Join Date: Aug 2002
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junalo HB User
how hard is it...

How hard is it for a couple to try and work things out after one of them cheats on the other. What will a woman go through by being cheated? What does a man go through knowing his wife cheated on her? How difficult will it be to make it work when both parties are willing to do it.

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Old 11-22-2004, 01:30 PM   #2
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Western USA
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Ninispjc HB User
Re: how hard is it...

Originally Posted by junalo
How hard is it for a couple to try and work things out after one of them cheats on the other. What will a woman go through by being cheated? What does a man go through knowing his wife cheated on her? How difficult will it be to make it work when both parties are willing to do it.
Boy...I think it's something that varies from couple to couple. Everyone processes things and reacts to things differently. But if both parties make a devoted, good faith effort to get past it and move on and stay together, then I'd say it's worth a shot to try. EVen if counseling is needed.

Old 11-22-2004, 01:45 PM   #3
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eightball61 HB User
Re: how hard is it...

It really does depend on the couple..... Does this have to do with you ex? or you?

It really depends as I stated on the person. Some people wont forgive and never give that other chance. To me once a person screws up then they are out. It may be hard not giving them another chance but that person really did love you or care for you then they will never cheat. If they go outside the relationship to cheat then they dont care and to me shouldn't be given that chance. I understand some people make mistakes and if I was married for sometime I may be willing to work it out(depends on the situation) but I do know it will be hard and very emotional for me to go through. would try to work it out but if its to hard then its time to just hang up the coat and let it be.

Counseling is a good option but sometimes it doesn't always work because the pain of the other person will still linger in your thoughts which can make it really opinion though

Old 11-23-2004, 07:06 PM   #4
Join Date: Mar 2004
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ladivapr HB User
Re: how hard is it...

To me cheating and the relationship is over. I have found that some people are able to forgive like my coworker for example but he did forgive his wife only because of the child they had together, he cannt stand to live separate from him. So if children are in the panorama that certainly complicates things and one should look for best interest of their children.

Old 11-23-2004, 07:13 PM   #5
Join Date: Sep 2004
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Soulcatcher HB User
Re: how hard is it...

I stayed with my boyfriend even finding out he cheated...not only did he cheat but he got her pregnant while I was six months pg!! I stuck it out and dealt with it and even went on to have twins after that pg. I have to honestly NEVER trust that person again. I am not going to lie and say some fairy tale NEVER get over it. You do live and you do move on but YOUR mind will always go back there. If it's the opposite way around then it will never leave his mind. Once you break trust to that extent there is never a return. The only thing you will be doing is faking your relationship. You can still love each other and treat each other respectfully but no trust, you go through emotions of acting like you trust each other but you in your heart will not. So living this way is torture and it will wear you down like sand hitting against rock eventually it will wear you out. My opinion, it hurts and avoid it at all costs if you really care about the other person. Some lines just don't get crossed.

Old 11-23-2004, 07:14 PM   #6
veggie girl
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veggie girl HB User
Re: how hard is it...

If both are willing to give it a try its possible. I'm sure counselling wouldn't hurt. But i'm sure it will take time.

Old 11-23-2004, 11:22 PM   #7
Join Date: Feb 2004
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sunshineahead HB User
Exclamation Re: how hard is it...

Thankfully I've never been in the situation (to my knowledge). I think it must be incredibly difficult. I personally could never trust my SO again. That is the point...not how difficult it is but can you ever regain that TRUST? To me, the answer is no. Trust is so fragile that once broken it takes alot to repair it and it's never the same. Living in fear of being cheated on again or wondering where your spouse is and questioning actions can't be good. What way is that to live? I'd avoid it (or the thought of it if you're thinking about it) at all cost.

Old 11-24-2004, 12:17 AM   #8
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StormGirl HB User
Re: how hard is it...

I can't think of any worse feeling than betrayal and disappointment, both of which will occur. I agree with Soul that you can work to keep the relationship together, but it will never be the same and the thought will never leave you. And I agree with Sunshine that it is no way to live a life, always suspicious, always waiting for it to happen again, always looking for clues. Maybe after a long time (considering the cheating has not occured again), maybe it would dull the pain, but the time from now till then would be a pure living hell, and it would be a long time too. I don't think anyone in any situation can say that they would ever forgive or forget cheating, they may to keep the peace and keep the relationship together, but it would always be either a constant effort or a lie. I figure if I wouldn't want it done to me, then it shouldn't be done to anyone else as it can only ever have a hugely negative impact on someone's life.
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Old 11-24-2004, 04:55 AM   #9
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Cp406 HB User
Re: how hard is it...

I'm currently dealing with cheating first hand. Let me share my situation with you.

I've been cheated on after we were together for nearly a year and a half. He came clean to me about it, I never caught him. I was so in love with this him (i thought he was "the one") and never expected anything like this from him. I decided that I was so hurt and upset, then to loose him along with it would make it 10 times worse. I chose to stick with him. That was his "second chance" time.

There was alot of things all going on at once when this happened, and I think that had a big part of why I choose to stay with him. My mother was diognosed with cancer and at the time didn't know how serious it was (luckily it was in early stages), my job was becoming pure hell (so busy in the summer, and the boss becomes an a$$), my grandmother got sick, etc. Alot of things on my mind to begin with then to add loosing him on top of it was more than I could handle. He was the one who I turned to when the world became too much. Also I am very close with his family so it would not be just him I would be loosing, but them as well.

Honestly, it was and still is the hardest decision I have EVER made. It has been about 7 months since it happened, and we are still struggling to stay together. If I had it to do all over again, no matter how much I loved him at the time, I would not go through this again.

I trusted him to no end. I'll never get that back. 7 months later I am over the point that I am not suspisous all of the time. I had to let that go for me, not for him. It was starting to drive me crazy. Very exhausting. At the beginning I was dwelling on it so much that I know it was unhealthy. I had so much hatred for her. I"m over that now. She is not worth my energy to hate her. I realized that I can't let this get the best of me because it is only hurting me more.

Today I trust him to some degree. I don't suspect or accuse him of doing things. I'm not the jealous or controlling type. But what is still lingering with me is the "what if's". What if he does this to me in a few years after we have kids or something. What if he does this to me when I am like 50 years old. What if, what if, what if. THe future with him still makes me very nervous.

I know in my situation it seems like it has taken the joy out of the relationship. We still can have fun together and get along great, but something has also died in the relationship. That is my overwhelming passion I used to have for him. I still love him very very much, but it will never be there same. There is no more excitment when he calls or when we see each other after he has been away. It's like there is a gap between us, that I have put there in order to protect myself from him hurting me like that again. I'm trying very hard to overcome that.

Also in my situation jealousy has arising. Not jealousy from me, but from him. He now has become a cheater, and now looks at our relationship through a cheaters eyes. He is very paranoid that I am going to get "revenge" on him. I will want to get him back, or will leave him for someone better. He's extremely nervous when I go with my friends for an evening, and feels the need to ask me 100 questions the next day. "what did you do", "where did you go", "who was there", "were you drinking", "what did you talk about", etc etc. He wants to be with me 24-7, and has become VERY VERY clingy when we are together. Nothing annoys me more than clingyness. Not being able to move or sit somewhere without him stuck to me. I like cuddling, and being close, but this is severe.

And of course that action from him causes an argument. I did not cheat, why am I being treated like I did? I don't treat him like that, even though I probably have the right to. I never sit home and worry what he is doing while I am not there. I never grill him the next day. Why am I being smothered? I don't do that to him.

So basically, working through cheating is alot harder than one may think in the beginning. Like i've said above, i'm only 7 months into it after the cheating. The emotional toll the victim of cheating feels is awful. It's the biggest kick in the teeth that him as my significant other could have given me. There are only 3 main things that he as a b/f is not suppose to do to me. 1. cheat 2. abuse and 3. lie. Well he did 2 out of 3. He did come clean about if afterwards but lying still took place in there. It takes the very confident cheery person (that i would have described myself as) and turned me into a sad, lonely, hurt, angry person. Eventually I got out of that state...for me. It's hard to think that if you can be so into one person, and trust them with your whole world, and let that guard down and let them completely into your heart, then he betray you like that. It's hard to think how they could have loved you. Like I said before, it made something in the relationship die.

I'm not sure if you are talking about you cheating on her, or her cheating on you. But if it is something you are thinking of doing, save her the heartbreak and emotional scarring and stay away from it, or if you cannot controll yourself, end things with her before something like that happens. If it is you that has been cheated, my advise is think long and hard about the long lasting effects on yourself and the relationship before you decide to continue on with her.


Last edited by Cp406; 11-24-2004 at 04:58 AM.

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