HealthBoards (
-   Relationship Health (
-   -   Can't stop thinking about him!! Please help. (

Destiny79 12-04-2004 02:10 AM

Can't stop thinking about him!! Please help.
This is my first thread after joining so please bear with me.

I've been in a relationship with my man for about 6 years. We've been engaged for 4 years and I do love him. ( for those of you who have answered below, in answer to your question,the reason we haven't got married yet is because he wants to get married abroad, eg seychelles, and the place he wants is really, really expensive, so we need to be in a better financial situation to do it. Plus we live 'as married' anyway, just without the piece of paper.). Anyway, The problem I have, is that i'm also infatuated with someone else. I've known this other man for a while and although I fancied him, and he fancied me, we just kept it as a professional work relationship and nothing more as I wasn't going to leave my man for him. I told him this and he seemed to accept it and got a new girlfirend which was fine. I hadn't seen him for about 2 weeks, and hadn't even really been thinking about him much, but then he came back to work so I asked if we could just have a chat together as friends after work in the staff lounge to catch up on what we'd both been up to since we last saw each other. This we did, and it was then that he informed me that he had split up with his girlfriend as they were rowing all the time etc etc. We had a long chat about our feelings for each other, and the fact that If I was single, It would be full steam ahead. But i'm not, so nothing can happen. He said he missed me and really fancied me, and what he'd like to do to me sexually etc. Time flew by and I had to get home for my bloke as he was due home from work. Now, since that day, life has become unbearable on my part, I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I have this immense feeling like butterflies in my stomach that almost hurts and It's because of him. I think about him every minute of the day, and couldn't wait till I saw him again yesterday. When we met, I felt like I was going to explode with passion. I just wanted to jump on him, but I didn't. It's easier to control myself at work as there are other colleages around. He took me into an empty room and we chatted again, he held my hand and we kissed. I know it was naughty but I just couldn't help it. I think I'm in love with this man. I really don't know what to do as I don;t want these feelings. I do love my bloke but I don't think i'm actually 'in love' with him anymore. I own a house with him however, and all my family love him. I have only two friends who I don't see much, and would be totally alone without my bloke. I feel this is too much to give up just for a relationship with my work colleague which might not last anyway, and then I would regret ever leaving my bloke. All I want is some help or advise from others on how I can try and forget this work colleague. Why do I suddenly have these feelings which I didn;t have before. Nothing has changed. I just fancied him before, but know i'm head over heals for him. The feeling in my stomach is always there and at some times, it is unbearable and I just want to lay down and have a cry. Please, please, help me. I cannot go on like this. I know I should not see this work colleague so I can try and forget about him, but I know I can't, even though we've agreed to keep our relationship just professional. At least I get to see him and speak to him. Please help. How do I make these feelings go away, or at least learn to manage them. Sorry for the length of this thread, but I wanted to get everything out in the open, as I don;t have anyone I can talk to.
Please help.


realguy 12-04-2004 03:12 AM

Re: Can't stop thinking about him!! Please help.
OK, You want to know how to get rid of those "feelings"? First, go home and tell your SO whats been going on. Then change your job. Obviously, you need to find out the reason you have feelings for any man while you are engaged to another. Why has this guy at work chosen to try to have a relationship with an engaged woman? I"m sure you wouldn"t want to be with an SO, who flirts and kisses women, while he"s with you, as much as the guy who waits for you at home while your with another. You seem to be more worried about losing the "benefits" that have come with your relationship with your so, than the fact you are cheating on him. Think about that.

Ninispjc 12-04-2004 03:31 AM

Re: Can't stop thinking about him!! Please help.
My main question is why have you been engaged for 4 years?! That's an awfully long time to be engaged. Whose idea was that? If it was yours, I'd say you have a bad bad case of cold feet and perhaps this thing with the co-worker because you still aren't ready to commit, maybe even hoping you'll get caught and then it wll all be decided for you. If the long engagement is your man's idea, maybe you're frustrated at his lack of commitment and are feeling insecure and perhaps this is why you strayed. But in any case, the first thing you need to do is decide for sure if you really want to stay with your bloke. If so, break off contact with this guy. Keep your distance as much as possible. In time, if it's just a crush or an infatuation, it will fade.

eightball61 12-04-2004 05:58 AM

Re: Can't stop thinking about him!! Please help.
If you want to keep you man then what you have to do is what Realguy posted. The only way to get rid of these feelings is to take these steps. You are having an emotional affair with this main. You did mention that you were going to leave you "bloke" for this guy because you didn't know if you loved him anymore. If you still have those feelings then you need to leave it all together and try to start new. Your feelings should be to one person only.

Ruth6:11 12-04-2004 06:04 AM

Re: Can't stop thinking about him!! Please help.
I'm with Ninispjc.
What if you hadn't had this long drawn out "engagement" and you had gotten married after knowing each other for 2 yrs. (plenty of time if you're looking for a committed relationship).
Do you think you would still be as attracted to this guy is you were married?
If the answer is yes than why would you stay with a guy you are NOT married to (people split up homes all the time married or not) and may not get married to for another 6 years?
Did you ever think that you're just kind of looking for something to either end the relationship you are in or to spur on the discussion that will lead to a real committment?

realguy 12-04-2004 07:31 AM

Re: Can't stop thinking about him!! Please help.
I thought about commenting about the long engagement.First, she needs to clear the air with her SO, then get rid of the other guy. She originally asked how she could get a co-worker whom she has been having an emotional relationship with, out of her head. Simple leave the job, breakoff all contact, and tell her SO what she does when he"s not around. I"m sure he will help her with that issue.

Ruth6:11 12-04-2004 07:43 AM

Re: Can't stop thinking about him!! Please help.
I can't exactly put myself in her shoes because when I lived with someone I never looked at anyone in a way that led to a situation like hers. And now I'm married.
But I do know that it's already too late to just be casual and say "Gee, we've been NOT married forever and there's a guy at work that's actually looking a little interesting to me.
Any idea if we're ever going to committ to a life together?"
There have already been private talks with him. Discussed feelings. The line has already been crossed.
I'm just wondering why they haven't gotten married. And if she hadn't moved in with him (with all that entails) would he have married her by now?
I'd say that the basic problem is not the new guy at work, it's where exactly is the relationship with her "fiance" going? And when?
People are attracted to people all the time (ok, I'm not but I seem to be an exception!) I honestly think the issue is committment - between her and the guy she is living with.
The poster really needs to talk to her guy about where THEIR relationship is going. Not a quasi confessional! (Respectfully submitted)

eightball61 12-04-2004 08:07 AM

Re: Can't stop thinking about him!! Please help.
[QUOTE=Ruth6:11]I can't exactly put myself in her shoes because when I lived with someone I never looked at anyone in a way that led to a situation like hers. [/QUOTE]

Me either....but I do agree with Realguy and she needs to make a choice on what she wants. I do suggest also that she leave that job and never allow someone to come in like that again. If her mind keeps wondering off like this then maybe she just isn't ready for commitment.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:13 AM.