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    Old 12-31-2004, 05:58 AM   #1
    haleysmum
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    Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Hi I guess I already know the answer to this question but advice would be great.
    I think my partner is carrying on with the next door neighbour. Over the past 2 years we have constantly argued about the amount of time and what I would call personal conversations he has with my next door neighbour. It started out borrowing things from each other, then she would get my partner to help her with getting her lawn mower to start or a welding job etc etc, then one particular day I was in my laundry near the back door and over heard them having a conversation over the fence ( this is where most of there chats occur ) He was complaining about me and then the conversation moved on to nudity ie he was claiming that he walks around the back yard naked and likes to go to the nudist beach ( this is crap by the way ) then she went on to say how she walks around the back garden with only a jumper on and NOTHING else. Needless to say I walked out the back to put an end to this conversation. She skuttled off and I confronted him about the what I would call the provocative conversation. He claimed it wasnt and that I was over reacting.
    Anyway this has been a long running argument between us, I have told him repeatedly to stay away, he says they are only friends.
    Well the chit hit the fan the day after christmas, I was going through the phone book on his mobile phone to get a phone number and saw an entry saying Julie and then investigated further and saw he had rang her on Christmas afternoon. At this point I didnt realise it was the woman next door. I confronted him and said who is Julie and why is her number in your phone, he said it was a woman in the office at his work and he had the number for emergencies. Of course I didnt believe him. I said I was going to ring the number and find out who it was and he starting trying to grab the phone off of me. I ran outside and rang the number and a woman answered the phone, I said is that Julie and she said NO. I said dont lie, why is your phone number in my boyfriends phone and she said you will have to ask him. I then said do you work with him and she said YES ! It was at this point I realised it was the woman next door. I absolutely freaked and hung up and confronted my boyfriend demanding to know why he had her number in his phone and when he got it. He said she gave it to him on Christmas day and I kept demanding why he needed it when she lives next door ? I couldnt get a straight answer out of him so I went next door and confronted her. The first thing she said to me was that ALL MEN ARE SLEAZE BAGS , she also said that they hadnt slept together, then tried to tell me that she gave him the phone number so he could contact her son in law. I told her not to insult my intelligence, like why would he need to ring her to contact the son inlaw ( by the way the son inlaw is a 19 yr old kid he use to work with a long time ago and its not like he is great friends with the guy ) and the son in law doesnt live there. I told her not to insult my intelligence, this is where she turned cocky and said DONT INSULT MINE ! I walked off and told her to stay away and she just said YEAH YEAH with a real attitude.
    Since that day my partner and I talked and he assured me that nothing is going on and that I am over reacting, still claiming they are only friends. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt ( I know totally naive and stupid ) but I did so as we have 2 babies together, a 15 month old daughter and an 8 week old son. Anyway this evening he was out the back playing with our daughter and I heard the side gate go so I went to the back door to make sure my daughter was ok and saw he coming back towards the gate , he had gone out the front to grab our garden hose. It was then that I realised she was also at the front of her house seeing off a male friend, my boyfriend didnt realise I was standing at the back door watching and I saw him give her a funny sort of a smile with a weird look on his face. I stood out on the back step and as he walking towards the gate he said to me she is with ANOTHER man. Now take into consideration he was half drunk, and I said what the hell do you mean by she is with ANOTHER man ? He also seemed annoyed which he emphatically DENIES ! I just dont know if I am being OVER sensitive to the whole situation or not ? Maybe I imagined it ? When I went on and on at him about the comment about she is with ANOTHER man, he said well I thought you would be happy about that and that is why he made that statement to me, but I just cant help but believe it was a slip of the tongue on his part, especially seeings he was drunk.
    I just dont know what to think anymore, he is still ABSOLUTELY denying anything between them and INSISTS they havent slept together. Im not saying they have had sex, but I feel there is definately something going on. If it was all so innocent why did she lie to me when I first rang her ? Why didnt she say who it was ? Why did she acquire an attitude when I confronted her ? Man my head is just spinning right now I am honestly starting to think maybe I am a lunatic ? He is just 100% denying ANYTHING, still saying they are only FRIENDS. I also cant get it out of my head her comment that ALL MEN ARE SLEAZE BAGS . Was she trying to say HE IS A SLEAZE BAG ? But why would she give him her number ? By the way my hubby knows nothing about mobile phones and how to add entries to the phone book etc, so she would have put it in herself, which he says she did. When I was demanding to know why he rang the number on Christmas day ( supposedly the same day she gave him the number by the way ) he said to make sure it was her number. LIKE WHAT A THING TO SAY TO ME and why would he be that worried ? I cant help but feel the writing is on the wall, but its just so diffucult when he is totally denying EVERYTHING . I feel like I should go and talk to her again and try and get some truth from her, but Im just not sure I trust myself not to go totally ballistic.
    So I guess what I am looking for is some honest outside advice from people that dont know us. I hope someone can tell me if they think I am over reacting or if my fears are true ?
    PLEASE SOMEONE RESPOND SOON !
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    Old 12-31-2004, 07:16 AM   #2
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    God Lisa.. this situation doesn't sound good. I never been in a situation where I thought my DH has been cheating but my father cheated on my mother with her best friend at the time. She got suspicious of them and he was also on chat lines trying to get several other women on the go. I was a teenager at the time. When my mother had enough she confronted him about it and he absolutely DENIED it.. my mom also said something to her.. she also acted like nothing was going on.. well needless to say my parents are divorced.. my father who i cant stand btw.. throughout the years would continue to deny anything happened between them.. however just a couple months ago my sister asked him about it and although he didn't flat out say they had sex.. he made a comment about "not getting what he needed from my mother".. my sister knew right then the truth.. so moral of this story is that cheating men will lie.. even after a relationship is over. I can't say for sure that your DH is cheating but he definately is lying (or telling half truths) and something sure sounds like it is going on.. doesnt sound like completely innocent neighbourly conversations are going on..

    As for confronting her again... I mean.. I think you have your answer.. why would she say they haven't slept together... they havent' slept together but else what have they done together??? I dont thinking confronting her again is going to help anything at this point.. you won't be borrowing any more sugar from her .. As far as her comment about men being sleazebags.. sometimes cheating men will make promises to leave their wives and kids.. take them on vacations...etc.. who knows what he is saying to her.. maybe she figured at that point too that he told you about her??? Her number in the cell phone was definately not for her son in law that doesn't live there.... stupid lies people come up with..

    I would love to say its as simple as just leave him but I know that is the farthest thing from the truth.. I know you have been having several problems with him over the last couple months... Obviously you are not too happy about him possibly cheating.. but what if he fessed up and said yes he was and that they did have sex?? Would you want to stay and try to make it work or would you want to leave?? I think either way you have to examine your relationship and figure out is it worth saving or do you need to move on.. let me know what you are thinking....
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    Old 12-31-2004, 07:21 AM   #3
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Lisa - This is just awful for you...I don't even know what to say. If I were in your shoes, I would also be suspicious, but I am naturally paranoid after having a fiance that cheated on me with my ex-best friend. I am still suspicious of Jeff even though I'm sure he'd never cheat on me.
    Anyway, is there any time that Jules is home when you're not that he'd have the opportunity to be with the neighbor? It sounds to me like there is more of a flirtation going on than a relationship, but it's inappropriate if it's interfering with your relationship and if they are lying about it. People lie when there's something to hide, so he knows what he is doing has crossed the line. Friends would not make comments about nudity to each other across the back fence. And you're right, why does he need her phone number? And for him to discuss/complain about you to the woman is unacceptable. You need to let him know that you are uncomfortable with their "friendship" and that out of respect to you, the mother of his children, he needs to break it off with her. If he isn't willing to, I don't know what your next step would be...it depends on your finances, etc. You shouldn't have to be subjected to this behavior though. Something more than a friendship is going on if one of the first things she said to you was "We're not sleeping together." I mean...is that the best thing she can say? Are they doing other things besides that? I hope you can figure out a way to put a stop to this - please keep us informed on how you are doing.

     
    Old 12-31-2004, 09:04 AM   #4
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    I agree with Maggie...

    I really believe it's just a flirting... but when both of them lie, it means they didn't expect to be JUST friends forever...
    I think they both were flirting expecting to end up in bed. If not, why to lie?

    In the other hand I also believe if they're only friends and it makes you umconfortable, then he should stop that friendship, specially because of the fights it started.
    Then: I think.... Let's pretend it's only an inocent and very stupid (I don't see many women talking about nudity with men unless they're flirting) friendship... and what if he's only in a defensive way because of the acussations you made?
    My answer to my own question is: BREAK UP THE FRIENDSHIP, because in some way is a decision he has to make: who I choose, my friend or my gf, mother of my children?
    To me, it'd be easy to answer... the fact that he didn't come up to this quesiton and this answer makes me worry...

    I won't keep talking, because I really don't know much about relationship at all, I hope it helped in anyway... Hope everything gets better

    Take care and let us know what happens next,

    S.
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    Old 12-31-2004, 10:08 AM   #5
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Hi again well its 4.24 am here and I have been awake alllll night worried
    Thanks so much for replying. Solcita he did actually promise to end the friendship and never speak to her again, this was 2 days ago. In them 2 days he was fantastic to me and the kids, he actually got up to my son twice and done all of my washing for me yesterday. It was later that afternoon when the other stuff happened with him going out the front etc. Just about everyone I have spoken to about this all agree with you guys that they havent had sex, but it was definately heading that way. Like you said, her saying we havent slept together, is her saying well something has happened , but no sex. She also said to me, well I wouldnt do that because he is with someone, and I immediately replied so you would if he wasnt with me, and she just scoffed at it. I just turned around and said to her WHAT KIND OF A WOMAN ARE YOU ? We have 2 f*****g babies together ! I guess I am getting so mad that he is trying to make out like I am some kind of fruitloop and its all in my head. I think this upsets me the most, when I know its not in my head ! I have had a feeling for a long time that I should be careful of this woman I honestly dont know what I would do if he did actually admit an attraction ? I guess he feels he cant admit anything to me for fear of me breaking up with him, but the way things are going we will anyway ! I just dont trust him AT ALL . Everytime I pop out I am worried they are hanging over the bloody fence again In answer to the question about oppurtunity, I pop out a few times on weekends, to go to the shops etc , but I normally leave one of the kids here, most of the time Adam, and that poor little thing is asleep, so Yeah I guess if they were really quick , something could happen. I do believe that he hasnt had sex with her, but I think this was just lack of oppurtunity. He is home all the time apart from work, which is in a factory enviroment that he clocks on and off, so no he couldnt do anything during the day. When I asked him why she felt the need to lie if it was all innocent, the azz said because she knows you are a frootloop, which hurt me even more. I said well why would she think that if YOU HADNT TOLD HER THAT and he said well she hears you yelling and screaming at me.
    I just feel sick to my stomach right now. I feel I cant let this rest until he admits something to me and I think it will be a cold day in hell before he does that Thats why I thought about confronting her ! What do you think ?
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    Old 12-31-2004, 11:03 AM   #6
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Geez, I can't imagine what you must be going through. (((HUGS))) I would seriously consider finding a new place for you, hubby and babies. I think you will be more at ease if you aren't constantly wondering about the neighbor, at least if she isn't right next door, things may be less tense at home, so that you can work on your relationship. I don't even know what to suggest, but I know it can't be easy going through the uncertainty. The lying is definately a red flag. My sisters husband cheated on her and she suspected it. I am always a fan of counselling, preferrably couples in this case, because maybe he will learn why you feel this way and how to make things better, but even if he doesn't agree to participate counselling for you is better than none at all. Just know that we are always here for you and will be every step of the way. Take care sweetie.

     
    Old 12-31-2004, 12:19 PM   #7
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    I would stop questioning him about it at this point and I certainly would not confront her again. If you believe that they did not have sex and if you believe that they both wanted to and would have if given the opportunity and if, knowing all this, you choose to stay and give him another chance, then don't bring it up. Watch, listen, and wait and see if he wants to recommitt himself to this relationship and see if he holds up his word to have no contact with her.

     
    Old 12-31-2004, 02:24 PM   #8
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Hi again, tyrstme well I already have the answer to that. The business with him going out the front to get the hose happened within 48 hours of him promising no more contact.
    When I said no more contact that included eye contact ! As far as I am concerned him even looking at her and acknowledging her in ANY way, even if it is a smile is contact. I have spoken to him since my last post and told him unless I get total honesty from him then I want him to leave. I told him , that him treating me like a fool and making me out to be some nut case is hurting me just as much as any of the other stuff. Anyway will keep you posted.
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    Old 12-31-2004, 02:45 PM   #9
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Lisa,
    Oh my, I am so sorry...I am just reading your post here now... I, again, am so sorry that you are going through this.

    First of all, you really need to decide what you want your end result to be, and stick by that.. What I mean is, if he did have "something" going with Julie, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to stay...leave... counseling, etc? You really need to think what you want in the end, and take it from there.

    I am NO expert by any means, but I did have an EX that cheated on me for 10 years (I am only 28, but was with him from 14-24). He, too, had something going with the neighbor and it really stunk because she was "in my face" every day... it was a constant reminder. I chose to leave him because she wasn't the first...she was just one of MANY and I knew he was never going to change (the men in his family all did this...), etc. But you are in a little different situation since you have the babies now... but,

    YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS... If he is really worth it, and means what he said about not having anymore contact then maybe he just needed a reality check and a little scare, you know? If he follows through with his promise, then hopefully everything will work out. Just remember that whatever it is that you want, you truly deserve

    I would definately go back into his cell phone and delete her number... since he doesn't know how to use Mobile phones all that well, you will know something is going on if the number "magically" appears again... Just a little advice...

    Well, again, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Being a new mom is hard enough... Hopefully he realizes that you and the family isn't worth losing.

    I hope I helped out a little bit... Good luck and remember your Oct/Nov mommies are here for you

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    Old 12-31-2004, 03:35 PM   #10
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Hey I remember you from the pregnancy boards. You've already been thru Heck and back and he has never been your shoulder to cry on, if I remember correctly. I have 2 questions: 1)if he wasnt planning something with this woman, why the secrets??? 2) Why hasnt he married you????? After 2 babies, I would think you probably do want that commitment from him, right? So what is his "reason" for not marrying you? To me, that is also a huge red flag!

     
    Old 12-31-2004, 04:17 PM   #11
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Maybe this is a long shot, but some guys figure that as long as they aren't legally married they're still single.
    And, of course some guys cheat no matter whether they are married or single but in a committed relationship.
    Have you ever thought about moving out, getting child support and being "single" yourself until he wants to marry you? (If it's you that doesn't want to get married I apologize for the assumption!)

     
    Old 12-31-2004, 05:34 PM   #12
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Hi again, in regards to marriage, I havent really pressed him in the past , but since having my son, I brought it up, he told me he will NEVER marry again. He was married to his ex wife for 10 yrs and had a son to her. She ended up leaving him for his best friend. He is trying to claim the once bitten twice shy lark. I take it well you obviously dont love me enough to marry me I think he truly believes that if there is no physical contact then its not cheating. But to me emotional cheating is just as bad. I know in my heart that there has been something between them, not necessarily physical, but definately flirting and provacative conversation which could lead to physical contact. This is just as much a kick in the gutz as if he had had sex with her. I just dont know what to do right now. Its so hard when he is totally denying ANY wrong doing. How can I even make a decision to leave or try and work things out when he wont even acknowlede that was he has been doing is wrong ?
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    Old 12-31-2004, 07:43 PM   #13
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    Yeah, the once bitten line is a bunch of crap, and you are smart enough to know that. And emotional cheating is the same, half the time emotional cheating occurs simply because they got CAUGHT before they could get around to progressing to physical cheating. Had you not caught on, do you think he would have had sex with your neighbor? I think so.

    Im not going to tell you what to do. You have two babies with this man, and I know all about trying to make it on your own with kids. Its hard to imagine, isnt it? I guess in the end, things will play out, get better, or get worse, and you will end up doing what you need to do for yourself and those kids...

    I know you had a scare with your last pregnancy. Im so happy your baby turned out in perfect health, but your boyfriend wasnt very supportive, pushing for ending the pregnancy if something was wrong-regardless of what you felt. I honestly dont know how you got through all that with him being as unsupportive as he was. He seems very selfish. You must be very strong, I think under all that stress I would have had a breakdown.

    I wish the best for you--you've been around as long as me and Ive watched your life unfold a bit here. I really am happy for you with that baby! I remember how scared you were that he would have downs. Take care.

     
    Old 12-31-2004, 08:09 PM   #14
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    I have a man like this....I was six month pg and found a phone number and I called it and found his realtor that sold him our house and she was also pg!! A few month behind me. I still married him because "it was over"....uh no it wasn't she put a lien on our home for $11K. He insisted that when I was pg that he only heavy petted a different girl besides the one he got pg....then when I was five month pg I was left alone on New Years when he was with yet a different woman seeing a concert and drinking....who knows what he did there. This is coming from a man that didn't truely care about me even though he had me pg. Since then I swore to myself that I was going to make him marry me and he will pay ever day of his life for what he did to me. I have kept my promise and beyond that. I was six months pg when I went to this other girls house and threatend to kick her nasty ###! She was scared and didn't come outside, I ruined the other pg woman day when he chose me over her and I called her a fat pig and that she looked like a man and he married me so HA to her! As far as the New Years eve girl I had a phone call to her husband that has her financially by the kahuna's! She never called again and I'm sure her husband wasn't too thrilled with what I had to say. I burn all his bridges. So far I have served him papers for a divorce. Our kids are 4,3,3. I can pull his state license for what he does, I can get him thrown in jail for no child support, I can also make him have supervised visitations. He called my bluff and my devil came out. I felt something was going on and I figured it all out. They like to have things on the side...kinda like objects. If he were to lose you (his main object) then he would change his ways for a bit until he lured you back in. If it's a game he wants to play then so should you. Have him watch the babies while you have a "night out" with the girls. Come home late. Just tell him you had a blast and nothing else. See how he likes wondering. An eye for an eye. Good luck. Just my opinion.

     
    Old 01-01-2005, 12:42 AM   #15
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    Re: Think Hubby Is Having An Affair Need Advice :(

    I hurt so much for you. I wish I could share some great cure all of everything involved in your shi*y sittuation, but I don't have those answers-the perfect ones.

    However, I had this happen once. When my mom-yes my mom-shared the idea with me I thought I could never do it and it seemed silly and hated HER so much I only wanted to kick her....I did try it and it worked, turned out after I got him back I couldn't stand him. Yeah a little game playing, but what it really did is help me control my anger, understand the situation and also see relationships with open eyes, every angle and understand what I really want out of the realationship. Plus, I did feel better when I became a little bit of a nicer person!

    Having her right next door has to be the worst. How angry, hurt, and pretty much in rage when you see her prancing around. I'd want to "bring it on bit**ch", but I don't think that would help. WOMEN are strange-we know it. We look at other women just as much as guys, we know how we think, we are competative and vindictive and petty and can't let catty issues go-ever! I our guy says :that waitress was nice...we may say "yeah, nice mustache she had too".

    After things cool down a little, could you casualy make amends? Deflect it from the issue at hand and make some lame excuse about holiday stress, broken nails, back pain, no sleep..whatever and give her the impression there is no battle, it is not you against her. Maybe even try to (without obvious blame) confide in her that you guys are having a tough time and it's hard to keep a brave face and dedication in front of you little childen, who most likely know tension exsists. Confide things are stressful, but don't blame or suggest it is an affair? Throw in a compliment "hey, your a women, were the smarter sex...I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. roll of the eyes, dismissive wave and on to a few nothing improtant comments. Quick talk-it's no big deal. Few days later-ask her for help (gee, your so smart and helpful) if you can't think of anything, make up a story-hey-while you were out a guy named bill jenkins stoped and asked if you were selling a used moutian bike. I didn't give him your number, but he said he would stop back. You may be thinking NO WAY will I talk to her and NO WAY will I pretend she is not a tart and nothing but trash. I don't blame you. If you want to try this idea..read on..

    Let me be blunt: can you take "her" away from "him"? I did this with college boyfriend and his "study partner". Months of anger, hurt, diggin thru his things, catty and mean and confertaions with her. I was frantic and a mess.
    Then, one day I ran into her and kind of said hello and then broght up BF, but with a fake, "did you leve your unbrealla over?" I thought he mentioned it is yours, so I just put it in his bag so he could give it to you. Then I complained about his mildy woman to woman. Then changed subjects and slid in a few compliments-played dumb-asked her innocent girly questons so she could brag and talk about herself. I hated it. Three weeks later she and I talked more than my BF. She'd come to study BF and I'd show up and we'd chat and it would turn into chic stuff. Nice and friendly. Went out a few times-left BF at home-oh, and even talked nice about her to him-but with a negative note: I feel so sorry for her that she is flunking math 101, I wish I could help her-but I'm just too busy. Poor thing.

    About a week of this and when your BF tires to be sly and lean over to talk to her, walk out and share in all that fun!! Bring up something you and she talked about that he is not included in. Even better, if he's naked walk up to talk to her, roll your eyes at him "ya know, can't you ever take the time to put some clothes on or something??" Turn to her.."ug, what can I do to cure him of this???!"

    You will always have excuses to go over, call, join them, interupt. She may end up talking to you better. OR, she may feel she's getting one over on you.

    If it would work, you can stop the effort after their little game is over and I bet they would not be buds.

    Then you would just have to work on HIM-and I have no idea on what to do!

     
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