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    Old 01-04-2005, 12:10 PM   #1
    Blue2U
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    When they find someone else

    I know that I should be happy, down right estatic that he found someone else. But I'm not.

    Right now, she has what I always wanted.

    The first 5 months of our relationship was heaven !! There was no sign of "what was to come" ........We were both completely, madly, deeply, head over heels and he treated me like a queen.

    Yes, the rest was a nightmare, I know that. What I wanted was to have what we had in the beginning.

    Now he's found someone else. And while I know that he will probably do the same thing to her that he did to me ...........Right now, she has what I wanted ...........the first 5 months. The days he treated me like he could not get enough of me.

    He broke my heart and I stayed ...........he continuously lifted me up and smashed me back down ...........still I stayed ........because if I loved him enough he'd eventually open his eyes and think "God, I love this woman, she's always here for me, why do I treat her this way" .....And then we'd be back to where we were supposed to be.

    But what I got instead was .........a smashed heart, a degraded sense of self worth and self respect ..............OH YEAH ...........and an email wishing me well and telling me how he hopes I find as much happiness as he has now found. 2 Years with him, and it took him 2 weeks to find "much happiness with someone else" .......hmmm

    Nice ................why can't I get past this? Why can't I relish in the fact that he is now someone else's problem? Why can't I be so happy that the woman he cheated on me with will have to wipe the smug look off her face one day when he does the same to her?

    Instead, I cry, can't focus, can't do anything but ..........I don't know what.

     
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    Old 01-04-2005, 12:21 PM   #2
    goody2shuz
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    Re: When they find someone else

    What you want is the first 5 months...but what you'll get is whatever came after that. I have a feeling that you don't want that or need it. You are better off without him....once a cheater always a cheater. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.....always remember that. Now you can choose to live out your days in misery of thinkng you can have 5 months back that no longer exist or you can pick yourself up, dust off your butt and walk on counting your blessings that you are walking away from someone who doesn't deserve you to find the one who does.....and you will......it's just a matter of time.


    Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 01-04-2005 at 12:22 PM.

     
    Old 01-04-2005, 12:25 PM   #3
    reddoorblack
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    Re: When they find someone else

    Blue,

    I feel for you. You can't get past this because you loved him. It's that simple. It hurts horribly. What I try to do is focus on the good I had with him. Make a mental list of the things I loved about him. The things we did that made me happy. For a long time I was like you - found it hard to even live. Didn't eat, sleep, concentrate, take care of my self. Focused on my anger and what I did or what I said that could have caused the breakup. It made me misrable. It consumed me. I now push those thoughts away. I have to or I'll loose my mind. Also, it helped to take things day to day. I kept it together as best I could (and still do) during the day at work. If I feel like going home and crying my eyes out, I do it. Try to get through one day at a time. Do things that make you feel good. Read books (that helped me a lot). Vent here (that also helped me a lot). I can relate to what you are going through. My ex left me and I've come to find out he went back to his wife who he was in the process of divorcing.

     
    Old 01-04-2005, 12:38 PM   #4
    Ninispjc
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    Re: When they find someone else

    Blue, I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. Believe me, I know what you're feeling. I've been there. But I must say, I think it's dangerous to want to take delight in thinking he'll hurt her the way he hurt you. Because what if he marries her, has a bunch of kids with her and lives happily ever after? Don't rely on their relationship turning miserable in order to get over this. My ex was really rigidly Catholic when he was with me and told me he was leaving me because I didn't look down on divorce and women who put their kids in day care, he said that a woman's life basically ends when she has kids, and they become her life and didn't like the idea of my wanting to continue working and still going out with friends and singing at open mikes in clubs to some degree after I had kids, and I wasn't as chasted as he wanted me to be (I tempted him to go further sexually than he said he was comfortable with) and I was having a hard time embracing natural family planning. I really wanted to use artificial birth control to plan our family, so he left. And five minutes later he picked up in a bar and started banging a fresh out of court divorcee with three kids, the oldest living with the angry vengeful ex husband, and her sticking the two younger ones in day care while she worked all day, and (the cherry on top, drum roll please) *cymbol crash*...tied tubes. They are now married and living happily in a nice house with her two youngest kids, and he's living the life he swore to me he would never ever want. So go figure. I have no way of taking comfort in knowing he's being as horrible to her as he was to me because he's not. He treats her with much more respect and leniency than he ever treated me. Men are just like that. They can lie, cheat, abuse, play games, whatever, to every woman they date, until they meet the woman they end up marrying, and then he becomes a totally different person.

    I think the best you can do is chalk it up to lessons learned and tell yourself over and over that he just wasn't the one for you. He was just practice for when you do meet the right one. And I know it's so easy to say "well, he just wasn't the right one for me" and almost impossible to really mean it. But it's the simple truth. He just wasn't the right one for you. When the pain subsides, hopefully you'll be able to get to a place where you can wish him happiness with his new love, but until then, concentrate on accepting that it's over, that it's not because you're a bad person or because he's a bad person, but because you just weren't right for each other, and try to be glad in the fact that now you're free to find the person who IS right for you. And focus on being nice to yourself. Treat yourself and be good to yourself now. I hope you have better luck in going through this process than I have had. I know how hard it is, but I don't think it's impossible. I really think soon you'll feel better.

     
    Old 01-04-2005, 12:57 PM   #5
    Blue2U
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    Re: When they find someone else

    I know that I am better off without him, I know I should be happy that it happened 2 years into a relationship and not 10 ........but I'm not "there" yet. I can not look at him without feeling and I can not speak to him without remembering.

    I'm sorry to say that this point, I do also find a little "self satisfaction" knowing, and I do KNOW that his new one will end up right where I was. Not that it's completely her fault, as it takes two. But she persued him, made it perfectly clear to me that she would have him .........he cheated on me with her last year, we were supposedly "working though it" and here he is with her again.

    We weren't even apart 1 week before he was with her and "oh so very happy now" ..........getting "the happiness he deserves".

    When I first met him, a couple of his old flames, ex-wife included told me things about his selfish, caring, empty behavior and I thought they were jealous ...........how stupid of me. But the man I knew wasn't like that, he was sweet, kind, caring, sensitive ...........until I fell in love and then he was controlling, selfish, completely insenstive ........self absorbed and totally self involved.

    I find it a kick in the face when he emails telling me how wonderful I am and he's sorry it didn't work out ......that he knows I will happy soon ......AS HAPPY AS HE IS NOW .........blah blah blah

    So if my only self satisfaction right now, is knowing that smile she now has on her face thinking she got just what she told me she would get will be gone soon, just as mine was ............then let me have it.

    I'm positive in time, this will pass ..........I will be able to let go of the hurt, anger and sense of unworthiness that I now feel, however, I'm not there yet.

     
    Old 01-04-2005, 01:10 PM   #6
    Ninispjc
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    Re: When they find someone else

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Blue2U
    I know that I am better off without him, I know I should be happy that it happened 2 years into a relationship and not 10 ........but I'm not "there" yet. I can not look at him without feeling and I can not speak to him without remembering.

    I'm sorry to say that this point, I do also find a little "self satisfaction" knowing, and I do KNOW that his new one will end up right where I was. Not that it's completely her fault, as it takes two. But she persued him, made it perfectly clear to me that she would have him .........he cheated on me with her last year, we were supposedly "working though it" and here he is with her again.

    We weren't even apart 1 week before he was with her and "oh so very happy now" ..........getting "the happiness he deserves".

    When I first met him, a couple of his old flames, ex-wife included told me things about his selfish, caring, empty behavior and I thought they were jealous ...........how stupid of me. But the man I knew wasn't like that, he was sweet, kind, caring, sensitive ...........until I fell in love and then he was controlling, selfish, completely insenstive ........self absorbed and totally self involved.

    I find it a kick in the face when he emails telling me how wonderful I am and he's sorry it didn't work out ......that he knows I will happy soon ......AS HAPPY AS HE IS NOW .........blah blah blah

    So if my only self satisfaction right now, is knowing that smile she now has on her face thinking she got just what she told me she would get will be gone soon, just as mine was ............then let me have it.

    I'm positive in time, this will pass ..........I will be able to let go of the hurt, anger and sense of unworthiness that I now feel, however, I'm not there yet.

    Ok, I know sometimes it's easier to just feel what you feel. I just don't want you to get hurt anymore than you already have been. I was there, too. When I saw my ex and his new girl, I told myself it would never work, he'll drive her as crazy and he drove me, and he'll do to her what he did to me, but I was way wrong. And now it hurts even more.

    I know, it'll take some time. Two years is a good stretch to be with someone to just have them up and run off with someone else. But if he's still emailing you, I think it's perfectly ok if you want to tell him you have no desire to hear about how happy he is with the strumpet he was cheating on you with, and to please not rub salt in your wounds by contacting you and rubbing your nose in it. A clean break might make it easier for you, especially when emotions are still running so hot.

     
    Old 01-04-2005, 01:19 PM   #7
    Blue2U
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    Re: When they find someone else

    I've been really good about not responding to his emails until today. I just couldn't take them anymore so I responded.

    I merely wrote that I was glad to hear that he was so happy, and glad that he had finally found something / someone that he was looking for. I also told him that I had walked away from us when he had decided to be with someone else and that I expected the same from him. That I was able to shut the thoughts of him out of my mind but had not quite mastered getting him out of my heart as he had so easily done. And that I would appreciate him getting on with his new, happy life and not contacting me anymore.

    Of course, that was a mistake because he did respond, with his usual head games of how much he did love me and still does but that we "didnt' work" and can't I just be "friends" with him ............UMMMM NO.

    I didn't respond to that email at all. What was the point. I'm remaining strong (or pretty strong) in not contact him, not responding to his contacts. Acting as if I'm okay .............but I'm not.

     
    Old 01-04-2005, 01:28 PM   #8
    Ninispjc
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    Re: When they find someone else

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Blue2U
    Of course, that was a mistake because he did respond, with his usual head games of how much he did love me and still does but that we "didnt' work" and can't I just be "friends" with him ............UMMMM NO.

    I didn't respond to that email at all. What was the point. I'm remaining strong (or pretty strong) in not contact him, not responding to his contacts. Acting as if I'm okay .............but I'm not.
    No, don't beat yourself up over sending that email, I don't think it was a mistake at all. In fact, it said what it needed to say and was very classy, I think. He's the jerk for not respecting your wishes and emailing you back. He just doesn't get it, as many men don't. Why would you want to be "friends" with someone who lied to you, cheated on you, and broke your heart like it was nothing? That's not how a friend treats you. Good for you for not responding to him. Can you block his email addy? If so, I would.

     
    Old 01-05-2005, 09:19 AM   #9
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    Re: When they find someone else

    This guy is a heartless jerk with a capital J. He is tormenting you and rubbing it in your face how "happy" he is with the woman he cheated on you with. Doesn't that make you angry? It would make me furious for sure. I admire how classy your email was to him. You showed a lot of self respect (even though you say you don't have much left; I don't think it's true) and self composure in that email. I would have probably snapped and told him to buzz off, in not so nice terms. Don't be friends with this snake. Your friendship is the last thing he deserves after how he's treated you. And you know what, it's very likely she will end up in the same boat. I think what NIni said about a lying, cheating, abusive guy becoming an angel once he marries a woman of his dreams is an exception rather that the rule. It hardly ever happens, in my opinion. My friend's former boss had a history of cheating and continues to cheat on his wife throughout their marriage though he would never leave her. THere are men who will find fault with EVERY woman after being with her long enough, no matter how much "in love" they seemed to be in the beginning. I think your ex might be one of these people, judging from his history.

    Could you change your email address? It reallly makes things so much worse that he's emailing you and hurting you even further now. If you have to, write him you've found someone else with whom you're deliriously happy and to stop contacting you because you have moved on.

     
    Old 01-05-2005, 09:24 AM   #10
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    Re: When they find someone else

    Block him from e-mailing you. It will bug the poo poo outta him.

     
    Old 01-05-2005, 09:36 AM   #11
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    Re: When they find someone else

    It takes time.....lots of time. It took me four years to get over my first love.......still have small thoughts about him every now and again but I have come to the realization that no matter how much I love him, I can't love a person I can't trust.

    I would be so miserable wondering 24/7 who he's cheating with

    I have met someone else who I love even more deeply on a deeper level who I hope to spend the rest of my life with.

    There is nothing I can say to help you move on. The only thing that can help you is time and a busy life to refocus your energy.
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    Old 01-05-2005, 03:38 PM   #12
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    My advice

    would be for you to concentrate on finding more happiness in your life every day. Start out with simple things that you enjoy. And try to squeeze happiness into small increments in time. Start with a few seconds, then minutes, then hours, and days.

    It's better to let him go from your thoughts and to block him out of your life as he sounds like the type that believes in the old thought I may not want her but I don't want anyone else to have her either. Hoping you will hand on to the short memory of those 5 months. You want those 5 months to last the rest of your life with a man who can offer you a lifetime of companionship. Live the better life.

     
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