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    Old 01-05-2005, 11:36 AM   #1
    micheguns
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    Unhappy he still talks to his ex

    Hi all,
    I was hoping all you guys and girls out there could give me a little advice....

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and he still talks to his ex girlfriend on the phone about every other day....he is in his late 20's, i'm in my early 20's and the ex is his age.

    When we first started dating he told me they were still friends. They broke up about a year before we met and they dated for 3 years. They broke up because she moved to another state to finish college....now she is back..

    Anyway, the first couple months we dated sometimes she would call when I was with him and he would pick up the phone and talk to her in front of me (not very long) and although I didn't like that he was still friends with her, it didn't really bother me...I saw them nothing more than friends.

    Now, he calls her on his way home from work before he calls me and they never talk on the phone when I am around, only when I'm not. Don't ask me how I know, I just do..take my word on that.

    I tried to bring it up to him that it kind of breaks my heart to know that he is still buddy buddy with his ex (whom I have not met) and I don't understand where he draws the line with his feelings and sure, I am a bit jealous. I'm a girl, it's nature. He still has her old love letters tucked in a drawer, some of her clothes in his closet, etc. The fact is he hides his relationship with her from me now, when he used to not hide it. I know they talk, I'm no dummy, but why does he hide it now? Whenever I get enough courage to bring it up he puts a brick wall up and defends her and says that I just need to get over it and not worry: that he loves me and is with me.

    Am I out of line to try to tell him my feelings. He just won't acknowledge them it seems, or he hides his relationship with her because he knows it upsets me. I though that if a guy had really moved on from a relationship that he would slowly ween himself off of her and move on. I don't want him to stop being friends with her if he doesn't want to. She was in his life way before I was and for a lot longer, and I would never make him give up a friendship for me or give him an ultimatum, I just want him to respect my feelings and be open to me about his relationship with her and catch up to her once or twice a year, not 5 times a week. Is that too much for a girlfriend to ask. Shouldn't she have respect for me too and back off a bit?

    The whole thing stresses me out and I have gone to my parents my sister in law, etc. for help and now I am coming to you...please give me some advice on the situation. Thank you

     
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    Old 01-05-2005, 11:55 AM   #2
    Music4All
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    People can be friends with whomever they want. However, it does not mean you have to like it or go along with it. If I were you, I would also be questioning whether I could build a deeper relationship with this guy or not. You have to decide if you are comfortable leaving it to him to never discontinue his relationship with his previous girlfriend. He has the right, but if his love for you is sincere and committed, he should not have a difficult time understanding why you are upset.

    What he does about that understanding will tell you much about how much he values love and dedication - or perhaps it says how much he does love you.

    Your concerns are not unfounded.

     
    Old 01-05-2005, 12:46 PM   #3
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Hey, I can understand that your situation must be pretty aggravating. You sound like you are trying to be understanding about the whole situation. I think it is great that you have put yourself in his shoes and understand the friendship the two of them share. Many women would have not even tried to understand his point of view. However, I would too, have a problem with him talking to her as much as he does. You don't want him to cut off all contact from her, but to call her before he calls you on his way home from work puts up a red flag. It sounds like you have tried several times to talk to him about this and hes not responding well. Have you tried writing him a letter? I don't think your feelings about this are out of line at all. Many women wouldn't be "cool" with him talking to his ex at all. All you want is for this guy to respect your feelings on it. This really comes down to a matter of respect. Is he willing to respect YOUR feelings and cut down on the time he spends talking to her OR is he just going to do what hes going to do? Once you get that answer then you'll know if this guy really is good enough for you in the long run. Everybody deserves a relationship that has respect and every girlfriend deserves to be put first over an ex. Shes his ex girlfriend. The reason they broke up concerns me as well. They broke up because she moved and now shes back. I'm not sure what advice to give you other then I don't think that you are out of line at all. In fact I think you are being pretty generous about the situation. Sounds like you are willing to see his point of view, but is he willing to see yours? And if he doesn't limit the calls with her I would really keep my eyes open because to me something sounds fishy.

     
    Old 01-05-2005, 03:32 PM   #4
    micheguns
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Thanks elatedgiraffe

    It's nice to hear that you don't think I am out of line...personally, I don't feel I am either. The whole situation is just, well like you put it "fishy". I know he loves and cares for me. We spend all of our free time together...when I get off work I go straight to his place, I spend the night there, we spend weekends together, etc. There has only been one day in our relationship that I haven't seen him...so why does he need his ex girlfriend sooo close? Arrg, men!!!!

    I tried writing a letter at work (it came out to 3 pages typed single spaced) explaining all my feelings and emotions, etc. I read it but i didn not have the nerve to give it to him. I was afraid I might have expressed too much. It was sincere, not rude or mean, just all the outpour I had been wishing to get out.

    He tells me he wants to keep me forever all the time, and he talks about wanting to get a place with me one day, and I would like to believe him, but I don't take it for more than anything but words/talk. I would love to keep him forever, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high, you know?

    I don't talk to any of my ex's, except for one, maybe once a year or every other year. He is married to the girl he dated after me and I didn't sit there and fight for him, if he wanted to be with me he would have been, and I realize that things happen for a reason, so I don't try to mettle too much with the fact that I will not get everything I want in life, this includes the perfect relationship. When my new boyfriend saw a picture of my ex in my room he made a comment and I immediately replaced it with a picture of us out of respect for him and to let him know that my ex was my past and he was my present. I asked him to move an old letter she gave him off of his desk because I see it everyday, and it took me breaking down in tears months later for him to finally move it (still didn't throw it away) and he thought I was nuts.

    All my family and friends that I have talked to explain to me that he I have to just keep bringing it up to him and hope that one day he listens. My fear is that if I do that I will eventually drive him crazy and push him right into her arms. It's ok to "rock the boat" a bit, but I don't want an all out war, you know?

    I have never met this girl, so I won't judge her, but shouldn't she respect the fact that he is with me now and back off a bit? I just have this feeling that she keeps him as close as he lets her so maybe when the time is right she can "move in". I don't know, maybe I feel as if he is "keeping his options open" so to speak if "we" ever became "he" and "I". I can see her point that she wants to keep him in her life. I mean, I would still want to keep him in my life if we ever broke up, I just hope we never break up. I really see myself with him in his future.

    He just talks to her too much I think, and now he does it when I'm not around so I don't find out. I even ask him after work "how was your day, did you talk to any of your friends, how was their christmas, etc" and on the days I know he has talked to her he still says, "nope you are the only person I've talked to today". Is he trying to spare me the aggrivation and protecting my feelings or is he now just doing it to spite me? Remember, he used to talk to her in front of me until I tried to explain my feelings to him, now he talks to her behind my back. Any more thoughts?????

     
    Old 01-05-2005, 03:39 PM   #5
    rockermom
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Oh I don't want to be the devil's advocate, but I can't help it. I would be more than a little concerned, seriously. I have been married for just over three years now and I am a reformed cheater. I can say that I never had a relationship where I didn't cheat at least once. I cheated on my current husband before we were married, but never ever since. I used to buddy around with guys, and I ended up fooling around with some of them, even when I was in serious relationships. Some of them had serious gf and it never stopped them. Since they only broke up because she moved, not because they were no longer in love, etc. that would make me wonder. I know I get anxious sometimes about my husband going out with the guys drinking and such because I used to be a cheater, I know how easy it can happen, even when you don't really mean it to. When we got married we both got rid of pretty much everything that had anything to do with our ex's (unfortunatly one of my ex's is in all of my grad photos, so I kept those, but I leave them in a box). My husband had a friend online from our city and she and her husband had an open marriage. It made me uncomfortable that she invited him out for drinks and when I told him my feelings he stopped speaking to her all together, he said he would never want to upset me by talking to some other woman. If you express your feelings honestly and maturly and he brushes you off I would either break it off or give him a serious ultimatum, stop contacting her or it's over. I hate ultimatums, but sometimes that is the only way to get his attention. If he won't give her up that should be a clear sign of who is more important in his life. I hope it works out, take care.

     
    Old 01-05-2005, 03:42 PM   #6
    littletiger
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Have you ever had the opportunity to speak to her? Perhaps she could be your friend as well? (devil's advocate)

     
    Old 01-05-2005, 04:39 PM   #7
    Diamond141
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Or think about how he would feel if you were talking to an ex all the time. And what reason would you have to spend so much time talking to an ex. Here and there I can see, but it's definately not respectful if you're dating someone else.

     
    Old 01-05-2005, 05:30 PM   #8
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    I met one of my husband's ex-girlfirends.
    He'd kept in touch with her after the break-up because they both coached Jr. Bowlers.
    She and I ended up meeting - not very willingly on my part - and hit it off immediately.

    We have alot in common (guess my hubby made consistent choices in relationships!) and oddly enough her Dad died almost a year to the day after my Dad did - both of colon cancer. We were such great support to each other that she would call here and WE would talk for over an hour - forget him!!

    Please note though, that I never had an issue with jealousy on my part, and HE has given me no reason to have "a feeling" that something isn't right.
    The sheer number of calls make me wonder if he has been honest with his ex as to how serious he is with you?

    "Know thine enemy" isn't such a bad tactic. It is MUCH harder for a girl to keep coming on to a guy if he's seeing someone she considers a friend...

     
    Old 01-06-2005, 12:22 AM   #9
    hearttoheart
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Just ask him one simple question; Are you willing to give up your ex for me? If he says no...then he is defintly on his way back to her...Save your self from being the girl who is being cheated on...leave him...If he REALLY loves you, he will NOT talk to his ex again....


     
    Old 01-06-2005, 03:19 AM   #10
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Ask him why he feels the need to talk to his friend everyday. It is excessive. If he is that close to her, he would be wanting to have you around her.
    The general idea of whether a person is cheating emotionally on you is that your SO"s talking has taken time away from your relationship. Doesn"t he call her first after he leaves work? That should tell you alot. Remember, the reason they parted was over the fact one moved. It"s time for a talk with him.

     
    Old 01-06-2005, 03:25 AM   #11
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    I have only two words to say.....RED FLAG!

     
    Old 01-06-2005, 04:26 AM   #12
    haleysmum
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    DITTO singer1. I dont know how you have managed to put up with it for this long I know you dont want to come across as insecure etc, but this isnt right ! I would be saying to him well how would you like it if I was talking to my ex DAILY ?
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    Old 01-06-2005, 06:01 AM   #13
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    When broke up with my boyfriend of 2 yrs, it was on very good terms and we also continued to talk regularly (even more then once a day). And when i started dating someone new about a year and a half ago, I continued to be friends with the ex, but i was also very aware of my current bf's feelings about it. i knew it annoyed him (ex and i have office jobs, so we chat on IM literally all day), but since nothing shady was going on the with ex, i was almost hyper about keeping everything open to my boyfriend. even to the point when he would ask if i had talked to the ex that day, if he texted my cell phone i would say "oh yeah, it was pretty funny..." and hand him my cell to read the text messages himself. i'm sure he couldn't care less what random thing we were chatting about, but i figured it would put his mind at ease that i let him read all my texts & do all the snooping he wanted on my cell. i would hand it over and usually go do something else, so if he wanted to paw through my call log or voicemails or anything, have at it. when my ex was in town for the first time, the very first thing i did was take him to meet my boyfriend. that was just me being aware that if i were him (or YOU!!!) i would be annoyed!!
    my point (however rambling...) is that if your boyfriend was having an honest friendship with his EX, he should be more then happy to be 100% open with you. I also do NOT think that you are overreacting! you don't need to throw a hissyfit at him, but i would say something like "i'm sorry if i seem paranoid, but can you blame me for being a little uncomfortable that you speak to her all the time?" If he says that he thinks you're crazy, you got problems. insensitive guys are hard to change.
    Bottom line, his hiding their relationship could either be because they really are just friends and in his wierd-thinking guy-mind, he thinks you'll be less stressed about it if he just tells you they don't talk. Or option 2 is that he is "keeping his options open" and that you should have no patience for.

     
    Old 01-06-2005, 07:27 AM   #14
    ana_27
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    Definitely a red flag! Why does he feel the need to speak to her so often? What unfulfilled need does she fulfill? You mentioned that you see each other every day and there was only one day in your entire relationship when you didn't see each other. Don't you think that's a little excessive? Maybe he feels the need to have contact with other people and she is just.. there and available. Make yourself less available, go out with your friends, have your own life outside of your relationship and he may take notice. You need to have your own life. What will happen if this relationship doesn't work out? You will be left with a huge gap in your life and it will be a very hard pill to swallow. I really think you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend about how inappropriate this is. Any way you want to spin this, it is not normal for him to be chatting with his ex five times a week.

     
    Old 01-06-2005, 07:32 AM   #15
    elatedgiraffe
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    Re: he still talks to his ex

    You are getting some good advice here from everybody.

    I'm not sure how much talking to him will change the situation. Sounds like you have expressed how you feel about this over and over to him. The thing is, if you keep pushing the issue then he'll probably just start doing it behind your back anyways. I think you have to figure out if you can deal with it, because I'm not sure it will change. I really think he should respect your feelings about this more. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't put your feelings as a priority? Just take some time to think about what this guy is willing to do and not do for you? Is that enough?

    Oh, and I'm glad that you realize what he says is just words. My ex always said we'd get a place and get married oneday, etc. I'm telling you I won't beleive any of that until I see the actions....Actions do speak louder than words. What are his actions showing you now?

    Keep us updated!

     
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