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    Old 01-06-2005, 03:51 PM   #1
    DarkBlue
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    Dealing with breakup - need help!

    Hi all,

    I need help to understand and deal with a breakup that happened to me 2 months ago. I'll try to give you a comprehensive, very compressed view of the whole story ... please bear with me!

    Here's the background:

    I am now 33 and my ex-girlfriend is now 25. We started going out more than 2 years ago, until she broke up with me 2 months ago. I was deeply in love and compared to earlier relationships, I never felt so content in my life with a person. I was imagining spending the rest of my life with her and was under the impression she thought the same way. However, just a few weeks after the breakup, she started going out with her best friend, but I am still totally devastated and cannot get over it.

    A little more info:

    - In the beginning of the relationship, I had a lot of issues with her past (i.e dealing with her exes and with how she used to relate to men), but I got counseling and was even put on medication. It helped a lot, but I think she was always a little too aware of my issues in that respect.

    - In the last year, I had a lot of issues at work and dealing with them kept me depressed for long periods of time. Nevertheless, she stood beside me and we worked through it.

    - Occasionally, she would go out for a drink or so with her friends, all of them male, but in the last year she kept more and more going out with her 'best friend' back from highschool. I was suspicious right from the beginning (don't ask me why), but according to her nothing ever happend. Today, he's the one who is her new boyfriend.

    A few of my questions are:

    - How can she fall so quickly out of love for me and change to another person even though she pledged true, deep love to me all the time right until the very end? I seem not to be able to do that, but she is after a few weeks already in a new relationship, and according to her it's not a rebound, it's again love.

    - I feel that I lost the 'love of my life', and I am completely devastated. I realize that my grieving will last a while (although apparently not for her), but for me it doesn't seem to end.

    - Getting her back doesn't seem to be an option, since she kept saying she needs to move on and life is too short to work on such heavy issues any longer. I believe if you find the right person, any effort working out issues is definitely worth it.

    - Should I try to take it as a very painful learning experience and try to find someone else in the future or is there any hope to be with her again. Right now, I am angry and it seems to me she is not the right one anyways, moving on so quickly (which she also did in previous relationships).

    Any suggestions, recommendation, or advice from you guys?

    I'll stop here and hope I could give you the gist of things. If you need more insight, I am more than willing to provide it.

    Thank you!

    DarkBlue

     
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    Old 01-06-2005, 04:17 PM   #2
    Kay33
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    Re: Dealing with breakup - need help!

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know you feel devastated and need answers. I'll give you humble opinions, but doubt they will lessen your pain, it will take time.

    Quote:
    A few of my questions are:

    - How can she fall so quickly out of love for me and change to another person even though she pledged true, deep love to me all the time right until the very end? I seem not to be able to do that, but she is after a few weeks already in a new relationship, and according to her it's not a rebound, it's again love.
    You've been broken up for 2 months, but, I imagine her feelings for you began to change long before that. She likely kept it to herself til the breakup.

    Quote:
    - I feel that I lost the 'love of my life', and I am completely devastated. I realize that my grieving will last a while (although apparently not for her), but for me it doesn't seem to end.
    Even though it may feel like an eternity since you were together...in reality, it has only been 2 months. You must give yourself some time to accept the breakup, your still, understandably, very emotional right now, you will begin to feel better, it won't happen overnight. The first step is accepting that the two of you are broken up.

    Quote:
    - Getting her back doesn't seem to be an option, since she kept saying she needs to move on and life is too short to work on such heavy issues any longer. I believe if you find the right person, any effort working out issues is definitely worth it.
    This is true, however, you BOTH have to be willing to commit to working it out, and she's clearly not.

    Quote:
    - Should I try to take it as a very painful learning experience and try to find someone else in the future or is there any hope to be with her again. Right now, I am angry and it seems to me she is not the right one anyways, moving on so quickly (which she also did in previous relationships).
    Yes, consider your relationship 'over' and move on (at your own pace). Deep down you hope to get back together, but don't put yourself on hold, because it honestly seems unlikely. She has told you she wants to move on, take her at her word.

    Do a google search on the grief process, this may help you.

    Keep posting out here, hope this helps. Take care.

     
    Old 01-06-2005, 06:13 PM   #3
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: Dealing with breakup - need help!

    Kay is right on target. I'd also like to add that it IS possible for someone to love two people.
    It may not be that she doesn't love you anymore, or fell out of love with you.
    Many marriages have failed under the stress of jealousy, depression, job problems... it may just be that it got to be too much for HER to deal with and since she wasn't married decided to just look for a situation that she could handle better.

    I wouldn't be in any hurry to "move on" - any future relationship you may be in would only suffer for it if you didn't give yourself a chance to heal.
    Wouldn't you feel great anxiety if you started dating someone new right away and find yourself wondering if they'll leave you just like she did etc??
    That's not totally fair to a new person let alone yourself!!

    Pay close attention to Kay's mention of the grief process. The loss of a relationship IS a death of sorts -
    Don't expect too much too soon from yourself...
    But please try not to become bitter or disallusioned. I had serious relationships fail - I was single for years & years.
    And if I had married any of them I wouldn't have been single when I finally met the man that was truly right for me.

    So honest, there may be more reason to what is happening to you than you can see right now - I really think so...

     
    Old 01-06-2005, 08:54 PM   #4
    jamesk
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    Re: Dealing with breakup - need help!

    i tottaly undertand were your at. i went thur one this year. my first love of like 4 years . i will always love her but she does not want me . all i can say is time and time away from that person. keep busy also.

    good luck i know its hard

    James

     
    Old 01-07-2005, 07:43 AM   #5
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    Re: Dealing with breakup - need help!

    I'm sorry. I know how painful a break-up can be. I'm still trying to get over my ex. First off, everyone is different. My ex completely cut me out of his life. He was also a real coward when it came to breaking up with me. To this day I'm still not sure what happened. I wondered how he could be so cold, so cruel? He loved me, wanted to marry me and then just woke up and had a change of heart? Real love doesn't do that. I'm sure she didn't intentionally lie to you or anything, but some people are able to just leave and not look back. Some people, like, us, love to the core and can't understand how it can be so "easy" for someone to fall out of love and move on. Why would you want her back anyway? I know you love her and all, but in time you'll see just what shes done to you and that anger will make you never want her back. I promise you'll get over this. It is going to be hard. Come here for support, it helped me alot. Hang in there. You did nothing wrong. Some people just are different...and don't really love others like they should.

     
    Old 01-07-2005, 08:35 AM   #6
    DarkBlue
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    Re: Dealing with breakup - need help!

    Dear all,

    Thank you so much for your messages ...

    Kay33,
    I realize that her feelings must have changed long before the breakup, but why did she still say how much she loves me right to the end - even after the breakup, we sat together, talked a little, cried a lot, and telling each other how much we love the other. Considering the relationship 'over' is a tough thing to do - the reasonable person in me understands that it is 'over', but he emotional person in me simply doesn't want to understand. Unfortunately, the emotional person has completely taken over. There are just so many questions which I need answers for - desperately.

    Ruth6:11,
    I am not sure how one can love two people at the same time. I've always only been able to give love to one person, in this particular case she was the one I probably ever really loved. That's why it hurts so much to have lost her. Also, even if stress, jealousy, depression, etc. put a strain on the relationship, I would always be willing to work through everything - regardless how hard it might be. Just running away - as I feel she did - doesn't solve anything, doesn't help anything. Don't get me wrong, she tried, but probably just got too exhausted, I guess. Perhaps it has also something to do with age ... at 25 she might just think a relationship is not worth this effort and it's easier to just go the the next one, but me at 33 and having gone through a few relationships myself I realized that it is always worth the effort. It hurts that she just left and is now happy again already! No mourning, no grieving - isn't that strange?

    Elatedgiraffe,
    My ex does the same as your ex did. She doesn't want to talk, she doesn't want to see me, nothing. I almost had to 'force' her to give me a few more explanations on what was going on. But I feel I need to know more to fully understand. I guess engineers like me are always looking for the full answer and nothing less is acceptable ;-)

    All,
    After all what happened, I really feel discarded, just thrown away. That she moved on so quickly doesn't help things either. Also, as I mentioned in my initial post, I have had quite some issues with jealousy and trusting people I have had a relationship with, but I worked really hard on this issue, went to therapy, etc. to overcome it. However, her moving on with her best friend who was practically 'lingering' around all the time (he always wanted to be more than friends with her, but according to her nothing happened until after we broke up - which is right now hard to believe) doesn't help it. My trust just didn't pay off, and I am rather bitter because of that. Also, I think it is strange that I never met all her (almost exclusively male) friends. She always said 'why do you wanna hang out with all these college kids ...' (remember, she was 22 when I met her and I was already in my thirties).

    This is tough, I don't get it, and even 'living one day at a time' doesn't help. I am waking up weeping, I go to bed weeping, and I can hardly manage in between. The whole thing is even more pronounced, since I don't have any friends to talk to. I move to the US a while ago, met her, and put all my focus on her - so I never really made other friends - a big mistake!

    Looking forward to your comments!

    Cheers,
    DarkBlue

    Last edited by DarkBlue; 01-08-2005 at 04:30 PM.

     
    Old 01-07-2005, 08:45 AM   #7
    elatedgiraffe
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    Re: Dealing with breakup - need help!

    Okay living day to day didn't cut it for me either. At first it was mere survival, living minute to minute. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat...thank God I had an easy job because if not I would have quit. I cried and cried. If I tried to eat I'd get sick. The feeling of a ton of bricks would hit me and literally my stomch would sink. I was so anxious, so confused. I wasn't sure how I was going to go on without him. Where do I go from here? Whats next in life? I remember all too well what you are experiencing as it is still fresh with me. It is absolute hell, torture..I know. I know the feeling of being "thrown away". I felt so neglected, abandoned. I really did not think he had it in him to be so cold hearted. It really shocked me how he handled things. I put alot of focus on my ex because I had already graduated college, a job I moved here for fell through in 6 weeks so I turned my focus on what was good in my life, and at the time that was the relationship. Big mistake for me too. Thats what has been so hard recovering from this. I really gave him and us all I had so when he left I didn't even know where to pick up the pieces. I PROMISE you you'll get through this. I know you feel awful and your self-esteem right now is really low. Time is what helped me. I hate time because I'm an impatient person, but I've learned patience. I've learned how to take care of myself. You'll learn that too again. But for now, take it second by second. Do what you need to do to get by right now. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're not going to feel good over night. You're grieving right now and let your body do the natural process of grieving. Come here for support...these people helped me more than anything! Hang in there..you're in my thoughts.

     
    Old 01-07-2005, 09:52 AM   #8
    opielonghorn
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    Re: Dealing with breakup - need help!

    hi dark blue. as elated knows (she sees me all over these boards!), i feel your pain. when i wasn't over my ex in two months' time, i was freaking out, thinking 'what is WRONG with me that i can't just move on?!'. and, as with your ex, mine seemed to have just moved on with his life as though i was never a part of it. feeling discarded is exactly on target. now i am four months away from it, and will tell you that i feel dramatically different. i still miss him at times, but i am now able to enjoy the most basic stuff, like eating good food, sleeping the whole night through, and so on. please promise us that you'll let your body get all of the grief out by crying and carrying on as much as you need to. you mentioned that you don't know a lot of people, so i will give you the benefit of what my friends told me. the poor darlings (along with my mother, my sister, my co-workers) had to repeat to me ad nauseum that no guy is worth this, and that i am a good person in my own right. one friend said the best thing to me: after i had gone on and on about how i missed my ex, how great he was, all of that, she looked at me and said, 'my god. he wasn't jesus christ!' that kind of put it into perspective a little bit. we as humans are imperfect. nobody deserves to be put on the pedestals we sometimes put our friends/boyfriends/girlfriends on. what makes a good person is someone who realizes that they are imperfect and tries to work on those things. it sounds like you did exactly that by going to therapy, and that she can't really be bothered to do so. you may feel abandoned right now, but you won't feel that way forever. and you sound like a pretty smart and nice guy. you are going to be more than okay, i guarantee it.

     
    Old 01-07-2005, 10:01 AM   #9
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    Re: Dealing with breakup - need help!

    Opielonghorn-
    What an encoruaging post for both Darkblue and myself. You are a couple months ahead of me, as I am ahead of stormgirl and it really helps to have people like you here to pull us along. I'm starting to feel the things you talked about...there is hope. There are several others on here going through the same thing, you all know who you are. These boards help alot and it is nice that someone like you who has been there, but not so long ago that you forgot how BAD it really hurts is here! Thanks

    Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 01-07-2005 at 10:02 AM.

     
    Old 01-07-2005, 05:11 PM   #10
    Kay33
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    Re: Dealing with breakup - need help!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by DarkBlue
    Dear all,

    Thank you so much for your messges ...

    Kay33,
    I realize that her feelings must have changed long before the breakup, but why did she still say how much she loves me right to the end - even after the breakup, we sat together, talked a little, cried a lot, and telling each other how much we love the other. Considering the relationship 'over' is a tough thing to do - the reasonable person in me understands that it is 'over', but he emotional person in me simply doesn't want to understand. Unfortunately, the emotional person has completely taken over. There are just so many questions which I need answers for - desperately
    I've no doubt she had feelings for you and did not want to hurt you, surely this was hard for her. I dont' believe anyone 'wakes up one day and is not in love w/their significant other'....I believe it is a process..not intentional..but as you loved her deeper as time went by...she didn't feel the same.....I wish it were more complex than that...perhaps something you could 'fix' ...but you can't...I can only imagine it was a growing feeling w/her..and she didn't know how to face it/tell you.
    I'm only trying to surmise what she may have felt...since you are so desperate for answers..unfortunately, you may never get them. I would venture to guess she does not want anymore contact as you may read more into it as a possibility of another chance w/her. Again, I'm so sorry, please allow yourself alot of time to heal.. I would caution trying to contact her, since she is involved w/someone else. She's made her intentions clear.

    You wouldn't want to be w/someone who did not feel the same as you do...once you come to terms w/this, you'll realize this is for the best--painful as it is...you're free to find someone who deserves you.
    Good luck.

     
    Old 01-07-2005, 10:46 PM   #11
    DarkBlue
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    Re: Dealing with breakup - need help!

    Hi all,

    Thank you for continuing to provide such good support ... while thinking that much about it isn't easy, it helps a lot to read the thoughts you shared.

    Elatedgiraffe, I will try to take your advice and cut down the amount of time to live by - second by second or minute by minute sounds just right for now. I really have to concentrate and stay concentrated though, otherwise my thoughts start wandering and everything comes up again. Opielonghorn did hit the point, and I hope to get to the point of feeling differently rather sooner than later. However, I realize that some more grieving has to be done, although I wish - and I bet all of you do, too - that this wouldn't be as painful as it is.

    Kay33, I also have no doubt that she had a lot of feelings for me. I am just in a different place than her right now and need more time to overcome it. The thought of never getting all the answers is something I don't really like, but I guess I have to learn to accept it.

    I wasn't very good with not contacting her and dropped the occasional email. Just today I got one of her few answers, and while she probably meant it well her saying to not do it again just made it worse. I know there needs to be space and I will try to refrain from any more contact. I really have to force myself to do so, though. But by now, I realize that it's not helping anything to keep contacting her. I think most of the pain and me not understanding really what's going on comes from me not being in the same place where she already is - over it and moved on. It seems just so unfair, but I assume that she suffered, too, and now is simply over it. I started later and that's why I am still in it.

    I am reading a book, 'Mars and Venus starting over' by John Gray, the same guy who wrote 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. While I take such self-help books usually not to seriously, there is always something one can use to better understand various situations. In the case of this book, it's the description of the process and necessity of grieving and how it helps you to give love to someone new, probably even better than before - of course, only when you are ready, which is different from person to person.

    On a more philosophical note, if the grieving and pain always goes away eventually and we will all move on, why is it there so often for quite a long time. If we all would think that life just goes its way and we cannot do anything about someone leaving us, we could be more accepting and it would probably be much easier as well. However, it doesn't seem to work that way for the most of us.

    I keep trying to calm down, take little baby steps, and see where it is leading me. A lot of pain and sadness for the loss comes along with it, but I hope that it will be an important learning experience for the rest of my life.

    Good luck to you all!

     
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