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  • Is he thinking of cheating? Or am I paranoid?

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    Old 01-23-2005, 02:51 PM   #1
    tequila_sunrise's Avatar
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    Is he thinking of cheating? Or am I paranoid?

    I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, living together for over 1.5 years. We have a great relationship and we are best friends and never fight. I am 26 and he is 30. I am the longest relationship he has ever had. He told me that his relationships never made it past the year mark because he found something that made them incomaptible. I am also the first girl he has ever lived with. We moved halfway across the country together a year and a half ago and started our lives over together. We are doing good financially and have grown closer together. I love him with all my heart and I know that he loves me but there is a problem.

    There is this girl that he met at work. She does not work with him but she is one of his customers. She has a crush on him and tips him heavily. He is a bartender. I went up there one night to meet my boyfriend after work so we could go out and have a couple of drinks. It was busy when I got there so I sat at the bar and had a drink. I only do this about once a month because I think it looks bad for me to be hanging around but he says I am welcome to go up there when I want. I saw this other girl for the first time. She came in with some of her friends, guys and girls. My boyfriend didn't talk to me much when I was there but he never does because he is working and I understand that so I just talk with other people that are there.

    After he got out of work we went out with some of his co-workers. He pulled me aside and told me that he was sorry for ignoring me at work and I said I didn't think it was necessary to apologize because I didn't think he was being rude. He went on to say that he was ignoring me because that girl likes him and he didn't want her to know about me because he wanted her to keep tipping him heavy. I told him I thought that was not fair to me or to her. He is making her think she has a chance with him when she doesn't and not fair to me because I am his girlfriend and he should not be ashamed of me. He apologized and said that she was in the bar with a guy that could be her boyfriend anyway. He doesn't know that I continued to dwell on it for a couple of days because that comment really hurt my feelings.

    A couple of weeks went by and I didn't think about her anymore until I realized that she was calling his cell phone. I looked at his phone. I was bad, I know and I have never done this before but I just couldn't shake these feelings. He had to have given her his number. He does hang out with one of her guy friends though who has met me and knows about me. I don't have a problem with my boyfriend having girl friends but this one is different because she is after him and I still don't know if she knows he already has a girlfriend. She called him twice last night and I can't figure out what she needs to be calling him for.

    Please help! I don't know what to do. Am I being ridiculously paranoid? This needs to be addressed again but I don't know how to bring it up because he thinks I have forgotten about it and I haven't. The way he treats me has not changed. He is still affectionate with me, stilll holds me at night, still wants sex with me, comes home when he says he is going to and IMs me when I am at work. I should mention that I have been cheated on my two of my ex boyfriends but never my current boyfriend. I prided myself on being able to trust him and not getting jealous but I can feel all that I have worked on sliding away and I don't want that.

    Last edited by tequila_sunrise; 01-23-2005 at 02:53 PM.

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    Old 01-23-2005, 02:58 PM   #2
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    Re: Is he thinking of cheating? Or am I paranoid?

    All the emotions aside, the decision really comes down to him answering the following question:

    "Would you rather say good-bye to one customer who tips well or the person you've been in a relationship with for over two years?"

    Last edited by Ruth6:11; 01-23-2005 at 02:58 PM.

    Old 01-23-2005, 03:35 PM   #3
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    Re: Is he thinking of cheating? Or am I paranoid?

    I agree w/ruth.

    I understand he is a bartender and it's only common for the goodlooking employees to have people come in and tip them heavy because they think they are good looking. The fact that she tips him good while he's at work is fine I think. As long as it doesnt go past that. Unless she has come right out and asked him "do you wanna hook up sometime" then its time for him to say one of two things. "im sorry i already have a g/f" or "im sorry Im not able to mingle with the customers"

    It is his job and if the tips are good the tips are good, its paying towards your rent and food and other bills. But if this girl is to the point that she is calling then I think a line needs to be drawn somewhere.

    Be honest w/him. Tell him you looked through his incoming calls.You came across her number and it concerned you as to why she's calling him. (also how did you know it was her name and number? I can understand the name but is there a chance he knows another girl by this name?)

    Do you know for sure he actually answered the phone when she called? Or did he ignore her?

    I dont think he's cheating, but there is always that small chance. Why sit there and be concerned or paranoid. Sit him down and have an adult convo. with him. He should understand your concern about the calls. But if he gets upset about you looking at his phone the most you can do is appologize and tell him how YOU were feeling and thats why you looked!

    Good luck! ~Dream~

    Old 01-23-2005, 03:36 PM   #4
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    Re: Is he thinking of cheating? Or am I paranoid?

    I see a red flag here when this girl has your BF's cell phone #. The only way she would have gotten it is from him...his friend wouldn't have given it to her if he knew you were living with him. Or at least I wouldn't think so. I smell a rat should be more important than a tip in my opinion....Goody

    Old 01-23-2005, 03:55 PM   #5
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    Re: Is he thinking of cheating? Or am I paranoid?

    I agree with the others. Theres something funny going on here. The line about her tipping well sounds like bs to me, and if its not, it seems somewhat dishonest. It seems like hes leading her on or at least letting her think she has a chance just to get her money.

    The fact that shes calling his phone twice a day would concern me too and I think it should be addressed. I wouldnt necessarily say hes cheating on you, especially from the way you describe his behavior, but there is something funny going on.

    You are right that this needs to be addressed. The only difficult part is bringing up how you know about the calls. I dont blame you for looking at his phone. Ive been cheated on several times before and as soon as I see warning signs, I start to check things out more carefully.
    Yes, maybe its a violation of his privacy, but if youre living together, you should have no secrets anyway. If he feels the need to be secretive about it, thats another sign that somethings not right.

    Old 01-23-2005, 04:29 PM   #6
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    Re: Is he thinking of cheating? Or am I paranoid?

    Thanks for the replies! You all have been very helpful.

    I wasn't sure if I was reading into this too much or if it could be innocent. That is why I sought out outsiders opinions. It really helps to have that perspective. I know that it is her that is calling for sure because he told me what her name is and it is an uncommon name.

    I don't have a problem with him flirting with the customers and I understand what he does for work but this one to me is just going too far. I think it is great that she wants to give him lots of money to pay our bills but I kind of feel sorry for her because I think she is being led on and I told him that. If she does not know about me and is calling, then that is one thing, but if she DOES know about me and does not care then that changes the whole situation.

    I want to talk to him about it tonight when he gets home from work but I don't know how to bring it up because I did do something wrong by looking at his phone calls. I think he will get over that. If he was trying to hide the fact that she was calling, he could erase the number out of his call log or keep his phone where I can't find it. But he would never think that I would go through his phone either.

    One thing for sure is that he is not a liar. I know that when I talk to him I will get straight anwers and no BS. I also know that if he was unhappy with me he would not be with me and he always said he was against cheating and that it is a waste of time and pointless. He is not a hypocrite which is why this situation is confusing to me.

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