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    Old 01-31-2005, 10:58 AM   #1
    shorty1
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    Exclamation just married but not "in" love?

    Just married 5 mnths ago to a good guy... We had dated for 1 1/2 yrs before getting engaged and married 6 mnths later. I feel like we have just gone through the motions the entire time. Even the wedding day wasn't exciting! Just routine and a good time, but nothing SPECIAL. I feel like we married because it was the next step and more like "well we've been together this long so this is the next step." We don't really argue alot and there is nothing in particular he has done to make me question our marriage - just that I always thought it could be so much more - I realize everyone gets in a routine and used to one another but I have begun to question if this is how I want to feel the rest of my life... I know there is more to feel b/c I have felt it before with a previous boyfriend - someone that was my best friend, that I could talk to, felt comepletely comfortable around (my husband and I don't even hardly "mess around" b/c I don't feel that connection with him most of the time.) It's just so-so with my husband, but I know there could be more and I think maybe we both just settled. Recently have become close to our roomate (his best friend, yeah I know you all will hate me) - anyway we talk and hang out and it's just this great connection. It only added to the feelings of doubt that I already had. I feel like if I can feel so different, why would I just settle for the everyday go through the motions type thing. The grass is not always greener on the other side I know, but I'm scared that I'll never forget the way I CAN feel .... Dont' think my husband will ever make me feel that way because it's just not him. He's serious, stern, straight faced and straight laced....I like someone who I can be silly with. My fault I accepted the proposal I guess. Is there anyone who has felt the way? Kind of trapped with your decision? Should I just try to supress these feelings and stick it out? Will it go away? What if I never can forget the way I CAN feel and am stuck with just the average? Maybe I am just crazy! Help!

     
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    Old 01-31-2005, 11:31 AM   #2
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    There is absolutely nothing weird about what you are feeling. You met a nice guy that you married. No obvious flaws and you just "settled" with what you had at the moment. The way you describe your wedding and your life in general pretty much tells us that you are NOT madly in love with the guy you married. It will most definatly not change much, because it is not his fault. He is just being himself and he has his personality that you do not love. No matter how much marriage theraphy you go to, if he changed into a person that you could love. Then pretty much he is just changing temporarily to fit "your" needs to be in love and it will just be a learn behavior and 6 months later he will be back to his natural self. You probably do not have to hear this, but you maybe lead him on with this marriage. He obviously loves you and proposed to you, but you just "settled" in what was on your plate. Even if you could "artificially" keep him happy in your marriage, you will never yourself be! Best is to be true to yourself and follow your heart and do what is right down the road. It will spare both your husbands heart/time and your self. You don't want to spend your life like this and waste your precious life when there might be someone out there that is perfect on every level for you.
    And your husband deserves someone that loves his stern and straight faced personality. In most cases like this it is always better to be single than being in a relationship that is not whole hearted.

     
    Old 01-31-2005, 12:30 PM   #3
    panthera_tigris
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    I can't believe what i just read. It was like my marriage in a nutshell. No arguments, no real fighting, and no real problems, but no connection, no real fun, no sexual chemistry and so on. I'm 22, married 3 years and soon to be divorced, and i am so happy with my desicion to get it done with. I even went to counseling to make sure it was really what i needed to do. And it is. You sound just like me a year and a half ago. Your husband doesn't bring out the best in you and perhaps vice versa. If you want to make yourself you again then i say you should definitely be juggling the idea of divorce, or perhaps a trial separation, trust me, i know that it sounds like a long time to spend on thinking things out, but i was only separated for a week and i knew that it was the best thing for me. And of course if he's in love with you then you will be breaking his heart, but heck, you gotta have some balls in this world sometimes. If you want to over-rationalize it you could say that in a way he will be much better off down the road meeting someone that he knows he can affect in a positive way and vice versa. I try to hope my ex thinks that too, that he should want to affect someone, not just have someone that settled for him. And if you have doubts of leaving, then think about it, wouldn't you want to affect someone like that too. Not just to have passion and romance, but to bring out the best in someone else, to make someone want to be a better person. Your issue isn't about boredom, it's about you and your husband not matching up so the qualities that are great about both of you are just not coming out because you aren't the pea for each others pod. Now, think about divorce for a second, how do you feel with that? do you feel a relief when you think of it, mixed with a little fear, but not fear for the future, but fear for him? Do you get excited to think of having the chance to connect with people? Do you realize that he's not holding you back, but not encouraging you either (which is just as bad sweetie). I personally can answer those questions fully right now: my marriage = depression. my divorce = freedom, happiness, and taking a chance on myself. Have you ever had that head over heals, over the top, past the fence, world series kind of love that hit you right in the face and left you there with a vice grip on your heart that you can't ignore....if you say no then i say you need some distance from your husband to get a perspective on things...it's gonna hurt him if he loves you more than you love him...but you gotta do what you gotta do...and i think once you do it you'll realize that you're both better off apart just as acquaintences. I pray for you and i know that if you're religious then you might think it's awful to get divorced....push that worry out and know that God will never stop lovin' you...and if you're not religious then, um, nevermind about that. Take care, i hope that you keep us updated.

     
    Old 01-31-2005, 12:36 PM   #4
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    I think it may depend on what type of person you are. Some people can be satisfied being married to someone they're not passionately in love with, but someone they just settled for in order to have security and to have a spouse. It works for some people, but not for others. Perhaps you could learn to be satisfied with him in time, but from the tone in your post, it sounds to me like that's really not what you want to do. You don't sound like you really want to be satisfied with what you have, you want more than what you have. I think it's very possible that you will continue to miss feeling that connection with someone, and as time goes by, you may even begin to resent your husband for not being the kind of man you wish you'd married. It's totally your call, but you've got a pretty big decision to make. I wouldn't count on your feelings of wanting more just going away. I sort of doubt they will. Of course, you may never find that connection again. You may divorce your husband and go the rest of your life alone. You may divorce your husband and then meet the man of your dreams and be happy. No one knows the future. You just have to decide what you'd rather live with: An unsatisfying marriage, or divorce, the risk of ending up alone along with the hope of finding what you really crave. Do some soul searching about what you really have, and what you really want. Good luck to you.

     
    Old 01-31-2005, 12:38 PM   #5
    Netty
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    hi I was in a similar circumstance. Let me tell you what happened. We dated for about a year and got married kinda rushed. I was really young (only 18). Everyone told me it was the right thing to do. So I believed it was. After our marriage things where not what I had expected. Our lives weren't exciting. and we where in a constant routine. I guess you could say it was boring. I was always really close to my husbands best friend we worked together. We could talk for hours and laugh and have the best time. I have to admit I felt a better connection with him than my husband. This went on for years (just being friends but being confused if my marriage was a mistake). Then after we where married for 3 years we had a baby girl. I was so confused as to my feelings I felt like I cared about my husband but the magic was gone and i was just exsisting. Then a year and a half later we had a son. That is kind of when I really felt things weren't right. I was depressed because I was stuck at home with my 2 kids and felt like I had no life. I tried to discuss this with my husband but he shrugged it off and said i would be fine. Well at this point I hadn't worked with his friend for about 3 years. well all of a sudden we started talking again. I guess because one day he called for my husband and my husband was working, I was lonely and we started talking. Pretty soon we where talking on the computer all the time. He made me feel special and beautiful again I felt excitement. Well one thing led to another and we had an affair. I felt so horrible and depressed that I had done this to my husband. My husband is a good guy he supported us he loved our children and was a wonderful dad. I really took a step back and had to examine my life. I had some journals that I had kept from the past and read them. This made me realize that the feelings I was now having for his friend where the same as I had in the past for him. Then the thought of leaving my husband and being with his friend weren't so appealing. I imagined getting married to his friend and being bored again. I have a lot of issues with that since my mother had been married 7 different times. I couldn't do it my husband is a good man would I miss him ?? So I ended up telling my husband about the affair. It was so hard he fell to the groung and cried he begged me not to leave him and to be a family with him. I felt like a selfish B*tch. Well right now we have been married for 8 years and I am so happy finally. I will never question my love for my husband. I guess I needed to realize the comitment that I made to him and examine what that meant to me! as for his friend we dont talk and neither do they. I feel sad that we had to lose a good friend and I wish I could have changed the past and he could still be our friend. Just don't make any quick decisions. really think about your feelings and like you said if the grass will really be greener on the other side. There is no right or wrong answer. only you can decide. I read one of your other posts and in it you are engaged and you say that you love him. Think about your true feelings. and make a careful decision. Let me tell you I made a mistake that will follow me the rest of my life. I wish I had thought it out more carefully. I wish you the best!!
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    Old 01-31-2005, 01:32 PM   #6
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    Netty, after reading your story, all I can say is wow!
    I wouldn't recommend her to do what you did though and I do not want to pass any judgement towards you or your husband, you two are a severely rare case. You seem to be content with this and your marriage so what ever floats your boat.

    The problem with a case like this is that it was a severe shock for your husband, he will remember and think about this every day for the rest of your marriage. He probably "changed" into a man that you can love. But it took you to cheat on him to do it. He will be sitting in his car going home, thinking "I better buy these flowers for my wife or else she will cheat on me again" and voila. He is a changed and romantic man every day to you.

    Best advice I can give is to be true to your heart. Do not play games or try to change yourt husband or wife into something she isn't. When someone loves you, that person is prepared to change into anything you want, in order for you to love them. Wether they want it or not to begin with. Further down the road this will come back and haunt you no matter what you think today. Have the balls to be truthful to the one you are married to and nip it at the bud if need be. It is better overall and will spare you heart aches in the future.

     
    Old 01-31-2005, 03:42 PM   #7
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    Netty, a good friend won"t tread on a friend"s marriage. I"m sure your both better off without him. Shorty, pouring your heart out to his friend isn"t the answer. You have to make him listen to you.
    Why do women seem to go to a SO"s friend when their needy, upset or lonely? It either makes the friend uncomfortable or he uses it as a reason to be with the woman.

     
    Old 02-08-2005, 10:41 AM   #8
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    Thank you guys SO much for the posts. I feel so much better knowing that I'm not alone. Not much time has passed - I still feel the same. Just confused. I know what I want, but don't know if it's the right thing to do. And the whole best friend situation ..... I can hear it now "Yeah, can you believe that they did that to him? The wife and best friend ran off together!" I know how that sounds and what I would think! I would think we were a couple of scummy people - I guess you just have to be in a situation to really understand it. That's why I'm so thankful for all the posts and advice!!!!!! I will keep you posted....as of now just thinking and trying to sort out my feelings. We really don't want to hurt him, and I'm not sure if taking the chance is worth that yet. Time will tell. Keep those posts coming please!!!

     
    Old 02-08-2005, 11:25 AM   #9
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    You guys make me feel that waiting after being together for 2 years is not such a bad thing at all. We are still in love. I don't want to mess it up with getting married too soon. We have lived together for 1 1/2 years & things have gotten better through that time for the most part. Waiting isn't such a bad thing.

     
    Old 02-08-2005, 11:45 AM   #10
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    In my experiences, women usually want something they don't have. If your husband, is serious, stern, and responsible, then you'll want someone who is more fun, spontaneous, passionate, silly, etc... If you had that, then you would say your husband isn't responsible, he parties too much, you want someone more serious. And also you are looking for that newness, all relationships are good in the beginning, it is something new, its fun, its lust, not love. It all fades you just have to rekindle it. You will live a miserable life if you jump around looking for true love when in reality you are only looking for excitement and lust. I'm totally against you considering a divorce especially since you and your husband get along just fine, you just need to work on doing new things together. He needs to lighten up a bit, and you may need to grow up bit.

     
    Old 02-08-2005, 11:47 AM   #11
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    What kind of person does that make his best friend, if he is willing to run off with you?

     
    Old 02-08-2005, 12:25 PM   #12
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Keiser
    What kind of person does that make his best friend, if he is willing to run off with you?
    Not a very good one.

     
    Old 02-08-2005, 12:35 PM   #13
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    Yes, I've thought about that too. - And what kind of person am I? He could worry that I would do the same thing to him if ever we were together. We have talked a lot about that part b/c he feels so bad. But how do we make it go away? (Just leave each other alone, right? - I know but it is tough) *Sigh* I've always liked the fun-but-know-when-to-be-serious kind of relationships....Had a couple of long term relationships that were that way and I think I felt closer to them at the time than I do with my husband b/c he is so different. I think I was just ready to be "married". I don't know. I do love him, just maybe the marriage is not everything I ever wanted (not IN love?? ). I feel bad that it would hurt my husband to know but don't regret feeling so comfortable and myself around his friend. Gosh, I know how horrible this sounds, guys, really. Fact is, I don't see how me and the friend could work out b/c of all the drama it would cause around us and the pain we would cause others.....but now that I've started feeling different (about being married), will it go away and I conform back to just the every day thing and be happy with that? UGH***This is tough - and I feel so selfish.

     
    Old 02-08-2005, 05:01 PM   #14
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    I agree with Keiser on this one. You two get along and hardly argue. I also agree with his concept of if you were with a funny outgoing good loving time guy you'd be wanting more serious. Unfortunately I dont think there is a guy that shares ALL of the qualities out there. (stern, fun, outgoing, conservative, spontanious ect...)

    I too dont think divorce shouldnt be crossing your mind so soon. Its only 5 months right? I do agree that you shouldnt be pouring your heart out to a male friend. You need to divert the pouring to YOUR husband.

    Were you able to be open and spill everything to him b4 he was your husband and you were just b/f-g/f?

    You may want to spend more time w/him, going out and trying to get him to take place in fun events. Because honestly its not real fair to him that your are consulting with a male friend and 2nd guessing your marriage already...

    Good luck!

     
    Old 02-08-2005, 08:25 PM   #15
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    Re: just married but not "in" love?

    I just don't understand how can one have a wedding with all the struggle it takes to suddenly change mind about it.

     
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