It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Boyfriend and Father HATE each other... HELP!!

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 02-06-2005, 11:04 PM   #1
    Candice561
    Senior Member
     
    Candice561's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Posts: 134
    Candice561 HB User
    Exclamation Boyfriend and Father HATE each other... HELP!!

    Hey everyone...

    Okay, so... Here's my story.
    I first met my current boyfriend about 6 years ago... okay, well not MET... more.. "Chatted with"...
    You see, we first started talking on ICQ... We had a lot in common and really developed serious feeling for eachother. Since he lived in the same city as me, it got a little bit exciting for me since it was a potential first boyfriend... We talked on the phone and what not, and even met up at a concert (which was SO AMAZING..) but lost touch over the years... until a couple years back, I was still in highschool, when he and I came online at the same time and started talking again.. Sparks FLEW and before we knew it, we had started making plans to hang out when he got back from Vacation (he was out at his cabin for summer). When he got back, we hung out... and it was like love at first sight... I fell in love with him.. he fell in love with me... we've been together for about a year and a half now... The whole story book thing :P

    It sounds all nice and what not... but the bad part is... My dad HATES him.. and he HATES my dad...

    My boyfriend, at times, hasnt been the nicest to me.... but then again I've been not so nice to him as well... We've had arguments with name calling... though he has never HIT me.. nor has he threatened me... and vice versa (sp?) It's all verbal fighting... Everyone fights. My dad first started disliking him when I was telling him how he reacts with his mother. (He comes from a divorced family... His dad is a drunk and never was a great parent... No rules enforced yadda yadda.) They fight and call eachother names... His mother calls him an ******* and he calls her a ***** (his brother is the same way too)... He wasnt brought up in a stable home environment... but he has a good head on his shoulders...

    In the beginning, he didnt treat me as well as I wanted to be treated... but I've told him how much that hurt me and he has since stopped being disrespectful and treats me like gold...

    Anyways, my father tells me he doesnt like him because he doesnt have a job and that our future will be crap because he's the laziest person he's ever met and we're going to end up poor and living a crappy life... and because he has friends who deal drugs *he has ONE and he's been friends with him since he was like... in the womb, so they go way back*
    He's not even into drugs either.

    My father is also self involved... He's very selfish and doesnt care about anyone else... He's threatened my boyfriend many times... Saying "If you take my daugher near any of your drug dealer friends, you'll be sorry" and what not...

    Is there anything I can do to get my dad to like my boyfriend? Is there anything I can do to stop them from hating eachother?

    It seems hopeless... Any advice??? ANY??

    I love my boyfriend so much.. and I hate that dinners together and visits are uncomfortable and awkward....


    Thanks so much for your time and I hope that I can get some responses!!!
    - Candice
    __________________
    All your base are belong to us

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 02-06-2005, 11:33 PM   #2
    StormGirl
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    StormGirl's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Location: Australia!!
    Posts: 880
    StormGirl HB User
    Re: Boyfriend and Father HATE eachother.... HELP!!

    Hi Candice! Wow what a situation! I've had similar ones myself, and find that time heals it. In the mean time, perhaps you could speak to them both individually and tell them how it is affecting you that they can not get along. That it makes you awkward and uncomfortable and that it is hurting you. If they both love you, they will try to make an effort for you. Perhaps you just need to clarify things with your dad. When you speak to him let him ask questions and if he is over reacting about something, calmly explain how and why he is wrong. Tell him that you love this guy and would like to have your chance to make it work. Same thing for your bf, and just ask him to try and make an effort to be nice and be civil to your father until they can both get over their differences.

    Just remember though, although parents sometimes are overprotective, much of the time they see things from an outside perspective that we can't always see!!!! I'm sure your father has some valid points too, do just try to do as much damage control as you can, but don't discount everything he has to say...

    But all in all, I have found that time does heal the rifts. My mother has hated nearly all of my bf's but generally gets over it and makes an effort to include them into my family out of respect for my feelings. I don't think you will ever have them eating out of each others hands, but as long as they can make an effort to be civil, it's a start.
    __________________
    StormGirl
    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

     
    Old 02-07-2005, 02:55 AM   #3
    Snails
    Senior Veteran
     
    Snails's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Posts: 1,137
    Snails HB UserSnails HB User
    Re: Boyfriend and Father HATE eachother.... HELP!!

    I definitely agree with Stormgirl on this. I can certainly see why you're upset and confused, as it is extremely difficult to be caught in the middle of two people you care about who just can't get along. But I think you should give some consideration to your dad's point of view--has he ever reacted this way to other guys you've liked? Do you have enough experience with relationships to make sure he no longer EVER treats you poorly? In my experience, guys that start off controlling and argumentative don't tend to improve much permanently. You should at least think about whether your dad might have a point. It would definitely concern me if my guy didn't have a job...it's one thing if he's been consistently working and got laid off or is switching jobs, but if he's had trouble holding a steady job in the past, this is a big red flag.

    I feel like I end up saying this all too often here, but women, especially those who are in love for the first time (or have little other experience as a basis for comparison), often fail to comprehend that love in and of itself is not enough to make a relationship work in the long term. Let's face it--it would be really hard to make things work out with a guy who never worked on a consistent basis. I have nothing against drugs when they are used responsibly, by adults, in moderation, but unfortunately, not all people who are involved in the drug world are responsible and mature. I have to say it would concern me if my guy not only associated with a lot of drug users/dealers, but also failed to hold down a job. If that's the case, he may have a lot more shady stuff going on that you aren't aware of, but that your dad may realize or strongly suspect. Ultimately of course, you are the one best qualified to judge whether your guy is right for you, but unless your dad is particularly vindictive, I doubt he would try to interfere with your happiness by disliking your boyfriend without any good reason. If I were in your situation, I would look very carefully at this relationship as objectively as possible. Remember that love and passion, while essential to a great, long-lasting relationship, are not nearly enough to make for a successful long-term couple. You need to also have similar values, career and educational goals, values, political and religious views, attitudes toward finances and work, maturity, and life experience. Your dad may feel that your boyfriend is not good enough for you in these important areas of compatibility, or that he is unlikely to live up to your expectations over time. But anyway, there's no way for anyone not involved to get an accurate picture of the situation. Just try to remain as neutral and diplomatic as possible, keep the two guys apart, and think hard about your relationship with your BF and where you see it going. Remember tbat while boyfriends will usually come and go, especially when you first start hvaing relationships (I'm assuming you're fairly young from your post, though I'm sorry if this is an incorrect supposition), you will always be closely connected to your parents, who will support and love you unconditionally throughout your life. I'm sure your dad only wants the best from you, and there's a good chance you could benefit from hearing him about and listening carefully to his views about your boyfriend calmly, with an open mind, without responding defensively or angrily. I realize your dad must seem like a selfish jerk to you, but he is clearly concerned about protecting you, or he would not take such a firm stance and warn your boyfriend against hurting you.

     
    Old 07-28-2010, 07:15 PM   #4
    iamange8
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    iamange8's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2010
    Posts: 2
    iamange8 HB User
    Re: Boyfriend and Father HATE eachother.... HELP!!

    i can understand how that would feel and i have gone though something simmilar. My father has always been very protective and he hated my b/f when they first met . over time it does get better ac-ward silence is so wonderfull lol
    One thing i do have to say... if they ever have a violent reaction to each other then you will have to think if this the best thing for your family and your boyfrind .
    i find family dinners really helpfull
    its makes people talk in a group

     
    Old 07-28-2010, 08:03 PM   #5
    justmel30
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    justmel30's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2010
    Posts: 969
    justmel30 HB User
    Re: Boyfriend and Father HATE eachother.... HELP!!

    Well first off, it doesn't sound at all like your father is self absorbed and uncaring of anybody but himself. It sounds like he cares A LOT about you. Saddly, father's arent perfect.......no matter how much we wish them to be. It's hard when our parents decide to become so blunt and blatent about their dislike for our friends or boyfriends. I think it might help for you to sit down and have a "big girl" talk with him. One that doesn't involve yelling, screaming, arguing, name calling, etc. Listen to him, and hear him out without becomming defensive. Your the daughter, so unfortunately, any sign of defensiveness, or ill temperment is going to set the situation off. You have to remain in control of your emotions. See if there is anyway for you two to come up with a happy compromise. Maybe your father would like a more detailed plan of where your going when your with him. Maybe he would like a specific time you will be home. And maybe he just wants to know that you still respect him and that you still care about his input. It's worth a try. In the long run, relationships come and go......even marraiges, but your parents will allways be your parents. Try to keep that relationship healthy. Good luck

     
    Old 07-29-2010, 02:07 AM   #6
    Ksavage
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Ksavage's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2002
    Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma-USA
    Posts: 559
    Ksavage HB User
    Re: Boyfriend and Father HATE eachother.... HELP!!

    As hard as it was for me to believe this when I was younger, parents almost allways know best, and almost allways wants what is best for their kids! I am sure you love him and want to have the whole fairytale ending & all, but lets face it that rarely happens with anybody involved with an ill-tempered un-employed partner. The only valid reason for him to not have a job, is because he is in school full time. I am sure your Dad is a nervous wreck & is sick at thought of you commiting your life to this guy. Give him some slack. One day, you will realize, he DID know what he was talking about. For your boyfriend to show deisrespect toward you father is just another red flag in my book.

    I know this is not the advise you were expecting, but please listen and think about what we are all saying. I know, I have been there myself and looking back on it now, I am so glad I listened to my parents (eventually) about my ex boyfriend fresh out of high school. Other wise I would only get to see him every other Tuesday- IN JAIL! & I would probably have ended up taking care of hi 6 kids (with 5 diffrent baby-mamma's) in my spare time.
    Oh....& I htought this guy hung the moon & was my night in shinning armour. WHEW!
    Please listen to us and don't make any long term plans with this guy. Go hug your Daddy's neck and tell him you know he only wants what is right for you & promise him you will listen to his concearns.
    Now, I gotta go hug my husbands neck and thank him for all he is to me and our family. I have not thought about my past relationship in a long, long time.
    Good luck, Honey! Let us know how it goes!
    K~
    __________________
    ......and that's all I have to say about that.......

     
    Old 07-29-2010, 05:16 AM   #7
    StenoLady1
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    StenoLady1's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Location: USA
    Posts: 1,645
    StenoLady1 HB UserStenoLady1 HB User
    Re: Boyfriend and Father HATE each other... HELP!!

    This thread is five years old.


     
    Old 07-29-2010, 09:02 AM   #8
    Ksavage
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Ksavage's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2002
    Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma-USA
    Posts: 559
    Ksavage HB User
    Re: Boyfriend and Father HATE each other... HELP!!

    Now, don't I feel silly! Thanks for pointing that out Stenolady1. I will start watching the dates from now on. I guess that means she has figured out by now, her Dad really new what he was talking about.
    __________________
    ......and that's all I have to say about that.......

     
    Old 07-29-2010, 10:22 AM   #9
    justmel30
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    justmel30's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2010
    Posts: 969
    justmel30 HB User
    Re: Boyfriend and Father HATE each other... HELP!!

    HAHA! I normally catch on to the date! lol.

     
    Old 07-29-2010, 12:56 PM   #10
    River rocks
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    River rocks's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2010
    Location: Riverside
    Posts: 505
    River rocks HB User
    Re: Boyfriend and Father HATE each other... HELP!!

    LOL!
    It's amazing how these zombie threads are still around.

    It would be cool to actually hear updates post 5 years though. I'd love to hear how some of the situations on this board actually play out 3 or 5 years later.

     
    Old 07-29-2010, 02:01 PM   #11
    Ksavage
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Ksavage's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Apr 2002
    Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma-USA
    Posts: 559
    Ksavage HB User
    Re: Boyfriend and Father HATE each other... HELP!!

    No doubt River Rocks, maybe she will get a notification and let us know how it all turned out. Maybe they did end up living out the fairy tale!
    __________________
    ......and that's all I have to say about that.......

     
    Closed Thread




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:19 PM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!