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-   -   What's a Friend to Do? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/251320-whats-friend-do.html)

goody2shuz 03-05-2005 07:59 AM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Heartland....I am your friend and you must trust me. We have come too far down the road to turn back now. If you must lash out ~ do so, for I am your friend and I will take on the burden. :angel: It is important that you feel that you can trust me and for the most part this is out of our hands and in His. We must trust in that because I have never felt as strongly about anything in my entire life. It is at the point now that when I am doing something I can actually sense when you are on and off these boards. I am not stalking but following the spiritual connection. I sense your need of my support and will do all in my power to provide it. But first, my friend you have to fully trust me as I do you. I am posting this now and will be following it with my friend's response. Read it and feel its power and believe and let your wife believe that "God does not leave us alone...He will create a way that will make us see".....Goody :angel:

goody2shuz 03-05-2005 08:01 AM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Hi Heartland,
I am the best friend that Goody has been talking about. Thank you for providing the answers to the questions that I had. There are many similarities to our situations and thus, I feel I must respond.
First I would like to asssure you, I am not here to judge but rather see myself as an instrument to help you understand what I feel must be your wife's perspective and hopefully help you as well. God made women very similar in the sense that one of our greatest needs is a sense of security. In order for us to feel truly happy and fullfilled in our marriage, we must feel our husband is providing for our emotional needs and physical needs. When God made man and then carved woman out of the rib of man (which is right near his heart, I might add), He in his infinite wisdom knew that we were meant to compliment one another. If He made us the same - one of us would not be needed!! I believe, that is also why we tend to gravitate to someone very different from ourselves when we marry. If we truly try to love each other the way the Lord meant us to - our unique strengths help to fill in the gaps for our spouse's weaknesses.
God gave us incredible gifts when he formed us. We are made in His likeness. He also gave us the most incredible gift - the gift of choice. We can choose to love Him or reject Him. He also gave us His word to help guide us along the way. I believe He very clearly tells the man that it is his responsiblility to provide for his family. (In Genesis, He tells man that he will have to work very hard for his food.) I do not believe that it is wrong for a woman to work outside the home, however I believe that it is ultimately the husband's responsibility to make sure that his family's essential needs are provided for. In 1 Timothy, it even says that anyone that does not provide for his own, especially those of his household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

God has given us an incredible mind, eyes to see, ears to hear and legs to walk. I do not believe it is His will that we sit and expect Him to bring a job to us. I believe that we need to do our part by aggressively seeking employment and if we are praying for Him to open up the right doors and close those that are not the right ones - He will do exactly that! I have seen in my own employment situations, God opening up the right job for me several times. One time I applied for a position (while praying for His will) and I did not get the job. However, because I had prayed, I had the peace and assurance to know that it was not the right job for me at that time. Several years later, the same job at my place of employment became available and once again, I applied. I got the job and looking back I can see why at that particular time, it would not have been in my best interests for me to get the job then.

I also believe there are different seasons in our life. When you initially resigned from your previous stable job to stay home and become self employed, it sounds like it may have been the right decision at the time. However, that season may have passed. The Lord I believe, may have been shouting to you His plan, when over the years, your business was not falling into place. He may have been telling you "this is no longer where you should be or I would have had the pieces come together."

I am not telling you to give up on your dreams and I do not expect my husband to - however in the meantime - I believe it is his responsiblilty to bring home a steady paycheck. I can not even begin to explain to you the emotional stress and personal pain his lack of steady employment has caused me. I do have to clarify however, that Goody's original statement about him being out of work more than in, was not correct. I'm sure it felt like that to her and to me at times, but it is true that he has been out of work multiple times. This has caused me to lose respect for him and greatly affects my feelings of love towards him.

I too, would love to be working less or be home. There are many volunteer activities that I would like to do, however God has blessed me with a child to raise and it is my first priority that I fullfill my responsbilities to my son and role as a wife before I become involved in outside activities.

I would really liked to know if your wife still feels ok you not bringing home a steady paycheck. To be honest, I can not imagine she is OK with that. She may have become quiet over the years due to the emotional pain of lack of financial security. After a while, I often felt my complaints were falling on deaf ears. If she is internalizing alot of her feelings like I have often done, there is alot of healing that needs to be done.

As for your comment about living frugally, I feel I must address this as well. If that includes not being able to go out at times, to dinner, a movie etc., because there is no money for the extra things, that gets very draining after a while. When there is not enough money to date and have fun, outside the home, it begins to drain the passion and fun out of life. If this is so in your home, I can relate to how your wife must feel. Please forgive me if this is not so. Your comments lead me to believe this may be the case.

There is a big diiference between the love of money and having money. My husband seems to intertwine the two together and unfortunately it has to do with things he was told growing up.

There is so much more that I would like to say, however I will wait for your post.

I will be praying for you Heartland and for your wife. May the Lord guide you and bless you as you decide on what you must do. Remember, He expects us to do our part. Tell your wife I have a soft spot in my heart for her, as I also have been referred to as a saint.

heartlandguy 03-05-2005 08:05 AM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Goody, please post the letter for Mrs. H on Monday morning after you see me here. I must go now plus I don't feel much like being online now. I'll be listening carefully to the gospel and homily tomorrow. I'll be looking for His words that speak directly to my situation... Have a good weekend, Goody :) :angel:

goody2shuz 03-05-2005 01:51 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Goody, please post the letter for Mrs. H on Monday morning after you see me here. I must go now plus I don't feel much like being online now. I'll be listening carefully to the gospel and homily tomorrow. I'll be looking for His words that speak directly to my situation... Have a good weekend, Goody :) :angel:[/QUOTE]

Heartland....Have faith, my friend.....and know that He speaks to us always not only in the Gospel/Homilies :angel: I have a feeling that the way things are going that there will be a clear message in store for us all.....my family intends to go to mass as an intention of seeing things change for your family and MBF's as well. I believe in miracles as you well know and I see God's miracles in action right here....perhaps you will see things better by Monday as well. ;) I intend to do my homework and ask if you check in here that you go back to Nini's thread and re-read my self-love post as well as my Dakota Myth post....that's your homework, my friend ;) Have a good weekend and try to stay away for a while in order to see things more clearly ;) I will have you in my prayers....Goody

PS...We may have to adjust our posting times...I am dedicated to helping out but must say that I need to limit myself to 3pm as much as possible. My girls are beginning to notice what was going to be a part time thing turning into a full time thing. Besides...mornings will be the best for MBF as well. Some times in the evenings is okay so long as Tom is watching TV I can post without it interfering too much. IAlot of signs have occurred that I am going to share with you...and I am sure there are more to come :angel:

StormGirl 03-05-2005 07:41 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]I also have been referred to as a saint.[/QUOTE]

And I would agree with them wholeheartedly Goody. Sometimes I wonder if you aren't an angel in disguise sent here to help us all in our times of need... :angel:

goody2shuz 03-06-2005 02:43 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Goody, I really need your friendship and trust now. Your last post was what I expected because it was consistent with what you have told YBF. :) For the time being, I canít reply to that post because long suppressed feelings have reemerged. I must deal with those feelings before I can return to being my normal, logical, anal-retentive self. :)[/QUOTE] Heartland.....my friendship is forever, I hope you know that. And since I consider you as my newest best friend, of course I will treat you as so. Did you expect anything less???? And if you need time to deal with feelings, I understand....and I suspect it will be short-lived my moody friend ;)

[B]Please realize that I have a lot of pain associated with my situation. I discussed our last posts a bit with my wife this morning but quickly realized that I had to stop. In recent years, I have internalized much of my pain and frustration because sharing it with her brings her down needlessly. She is my rock and I must keep her solid for the both of us. As I told you on your marriage thread, you canít tell your SO everything without risking your relationship so sometimes you must dump on your best friendÖ or implode.[/B] I am ready for any implosions, however, I do not want anything here to cause any further stress on the homefront. It is important that you promise me that you do not allow anything here to have any negative impact on Mrs. Heartland....I am hoping that my letter will assist in doing that.

[B]I think I can convey my fears and frustrations best by relating my situation to things we know from this board. I am so much like Nini; that is why I can feel her pain so strongly. {{{Please try and think about the many parallels that she and I share in not finding what we are looking for. That is your homework assignment for this weekend. ;) }}} Also, I can relate much of my reluctance for change to your experiences with leaving your fiancť. I plan to write about these analogies later, when I can think clearly again. Emotions and time restraints may prevent me from doing that this weekend[/B] I have already sensed the parallels between you and Nini....your fears and lack of confidence are what have you stuck. I did my homework ;) That is why I am going to take control of our journey resuming it on the yellowbrick road...remember when your anal-retentiveness corrected me when I referred to you as Dorothy's Lion??? :jester: Well....there was a reason for that, Heartland, as there is to everything here...it's time for you to change "hats", as you say, and grab hold of Dorothy's hand so that we can find you that courage that you so need. :bouncing:

[QUOTE=heartland]Goody, if I try to relate to you by referencing your fiancť, Iím sure Iíll bring up painful memories for you. If you donít trust that I am trying to communicate my feelings in the best way I know how, you may think I am angry with you and am lashing out. Iíd rather say nothing than make you feel that way. Do you understand what Iím saying? Do you want me to continue?[/QUOTE] As I already said...I am okay with this. I intend to help you out in anyway I can even if it means I have to go through pain. That's what friends do for one another.

I see MBF playing a major role in our journey....she will probably be the "good witch" who appears when you most need guidance. Much has occurred to show me that this journey may be the next miracle that Goody will see. My spiritual connection tells me that you needed me to take your hand once again because you are afraid. And so I have.

I want to make sure that you read MBF's post on the previous page. I am certain you have. I normally wouldn't have posted until I had heard from you but sensed a need in you for encouragement in order to get you back on this journey. I will be lurking tonite in case you need me....and will not post any further until you do, thus respecting the space & time you may need. Until then know that you are in my prayers......Dorothy ;) (She's back)

heartlandguy 03-06-2005 05:05 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Hey Goody :wave:

Iíve been very busy yesterday and today. Iím feeling pretty energized right now. After mass today, I did some thinking and Iím excited because I believe I may be able to help your friend. [B]{{{[/B]Since I donít have a name for her, Iíll address her as [b]GF[/b] (for Goodyís Friend)[B]}}}[/B] Although my first post for her problem will be far from perfect and Iím sure she must have tried most of what Iíll suggest, at some point soon I hope we can supply the one missing piece to her puzzle. Also, Iíve some thoughts for Nini that Iíll leave on her thread; Iím so excited to see her using an online dating site. :bouncing: Meanwhile I hope that GF, you and whoever can help ďseeĒ what Iím unable to see about myself. Iíve thought about the Dakota story and realized that our most complex sensory organs, the eyes, [u]only see outwards[/u]. :eek: This means I can never see myself in the same way as I see everyone else. However, anyone else can compare me to others and give me something I canít give myself. This is why, for the moment, I will concentrate on others. I am counting on others to do the same for me. :angel:

Mrs. H and I had a rough Saturday morning after we discussed ďcore issuesĒ related my problem for a few minutes. We canít do that calmly anymore so I really need this thread; I just canít do it by myself. If I canít solve my problem here, I imagine Iíll have to ask my closest real world friends for their input; I really hate the thought of that but Iíll do it if need be. Hopefully, you can spare me from that. :angel:

The readings and homily were great today; very positive. You once asked if they donít always help me. I realized today if I attend mass unprepared, I only see them at face value and learn nothing new. However, when I attend with questions, I discover answers. In other words, one fails to notice what he doesnít seek. Yes, my friend, He doesnít impose His thoughts upon us; we must make the first move as you have so wisely mentioned. :)

Iíve got lots to type and a huge backlog to answer, including GFís post for me that I saw yesterday. I left many holes in my background post and GF did an admirable job making assumptions to fill the voids so she could produce that wonderful post. My reply to her will include as much supplementary info as I can provide to give her an accurate view of our situation.

Hopefully Iíll have the next several hours to post. If you want to send the letter to Mrs. H now, please advise. Iíll look every 10 Ė15 minutes. Thanks for your patience, my friend. Iím glad Dorothy is back. :angel:

goody2shuz 03-06-2005 05:53 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
I am here....let me know when you're ready to receive & let me know if you think I should leave it...Goody

heartlandguy 03-06-2005 06:00 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
I am ready to receive.

[QUOTE=goody2shuz]let me know if you think I should leave it[/QUOTE] :confused: I assume I'll know what this means after I read it...

goody2shuz 03-06-2005 06:02 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Dear Mrs. Heartland :wave: It's Goody...your husband's friend in the virtual world. I have been inspired to write you a letter to express my eternal gratitude for the unselfish and supportive role you have played in saving my marriage. I don't think you even know just how much of a role you have played in it's success but nevertheless felt in my heart that I needed to acknowledge you in someway. :angel:

I was never a visitor of chat rooms or the sort but as someone about to undergo major surgery in May 2004, I came here seeking support and information regarding my upcoming sugery. Having received such wonderful support and advice in regard to my health issues I returned seeking support for my marriage. At first I was just questioning whether what I was feeling was normal of a marriage of 17 years. Your husband was one of the first to respond. There was another poster and between the two of them they took on the role of my "caped crusadors". I was in what I would refer to as my "darkest moment" as my husband and I for the first time contemplated a separation. Your husband as part of a team swooped in and picked me up working side by side walking me through each step of the way in order to see the hope that still remained in my heart to take on the challenge of saving what was left of our marriage. Within days my husband was invited by your husband to come on board but his lack of computer skills and patience in dealing with the typing involved.....had him on the sidelines involved on a day to day basis. Other posters insisted on counselling despite my husband's disinterest but your husband for some reason saw a necessity for immediate intervention and took on the task with a vengence :D As time went on day by day with his patience and strong convictions in terms of faith and true determination in helping me and my husband....he helped my husband and I rebuild our marriage allowing us to rediscover the love and committment that had been buried for so long but which was salvagable and the key to restoring the intimacy that our relationship was so lacking of. I saw my journey as one in which a storm had swooped me up and brought me to a scary place and I needed to get home. And so our journey took on the symbolic nature of the Wizard of Oz with me as Dorothy and other posters taking on roles as they assisted me home.....back to a successful marriage. This allowed me to go through the entire process that was oh so painful in a fun and more meaningful way. Your husband specifically mapped out a plan for my husband and I and walked us through each and every step until we were once again on a strong foundation. Without your husband's intervention and belief in our marriage's success I am almost certain we would have failed. For this we will be eternally grateful.

One of the things I discovered along the way is that due to a physical disability that prevented me from continuing in my career as a Pediatric Nurse, I was feeling a huge void my life. I was an at home mother involving myself in their activities but still felt a void in terms of fulfilling my purpose in life which I had always identified as helping others. Since I found the boards to be so helpful to me I began posting to others and helping them through their dark moments. (One good turn deserves another) And as I did, slowly that void in my life began to fill and my marriage became stronger than ever. My husband has seen how positive the boards played in my personal growth and happiness that he actually surprised me with my very own laptop for Christmas. :D I am sure that he is sorry ever since but he sees that i am happy and therefore he is. And no more fighting with the girls for computer use. ;)

Overtime in our postings, your husband and I have tag teamed one another and I must say work rather well together in terms of helping others. He of course has been my teacher ;) However, on two other occasions I found the need to seek advice regarding my daughters and extended family issues as well as friendship dilemmas. Since my marriage thread I have felt a strong spiritual connection to your husband....something that is rare and a God given gift that I'd like to explain. There are coincidences in life and there are divine interventions in which I believe that God specifically places people in our lives as a reminder of His promise to not leave us alone....as a reminder that He is with us always. It is an unquestionable phenomenon and I have only experienced this with two people in my life...my best friend and your husband. How do I explain this.....it's when something happens when a person does or says something that leaves you with no question in your mind that God had a hand in it or was directly involved. When I was going through my marriage problems your husband would say the things I would need to hear at the exact moment that I needed to hear them. He would sense exactly what I was thinking or feeling at a given point in time. And there were times that I would do the same. We originally referred to it as ESP then it took on a metaphysical thing and now have referred to it as a spritual connection. Most recently I responded to one of his posts and he saw that I was not my usual self but clouded by some emotion. Immediately he asked if something had happened with my daughter.....and it had. When I was busy with other posters here and trying to keep my mind off of a problem he would pop up and zero in on it with such precision and no indication of anything even being wrong. It is like this with my best friend in the sense that whenever I am in need of advice or support.....she will call at that exact moment as I do her....a metaphysical thing with deep spiritual involvement. My most recent problem had to do with her and served as a strong spiritual intervention in terms of providing your husband with the instructions of what he needed to do personally within his life. Apparently there is a strong divinely inspired relationship here in cyberspace....my husband gets dizzy when I share this with him but he sees it as well. I know that your husband and I share the utmost of respect when it comes to God, marriage and family. I need to reassure you that every thing your husband and I share here is shared with the same respect and would never be anything I wouldn't want you or my husband or the entire virtual world seeing....it is that genuine and sincere. I have been lengthy and I apologize but how does another woman even begin to thank another woman for sharing her husband in the capacity of being a spiritual friend???? Your husband has often referred to you as a saint and I am convinced of this for if Goody were in your 2 shoes I don't know if I could be as unselfish and understanding. But from what your husband has shared in regard to out likenesses I would like to believe I could be. I have a husband who is just as trusting and understanding as you because he knows the role your husband has played in our marriage. And I am hoping that you could feel the same.

I have just read this over with my husband who is completely dizzy and has instructed me to bring it to an end. I understand that you do not intend to respond which is something I never expected. If you should ever feel the need to talk to me you can always find me here and I will be happy to respond.


With love, hugs and an abundance of gratitude.......Goody :angel:

PSÖMost recently I posted a problem pertaining to my best friend and her husbandís lack of steady employment. This has had a profound impact on your husband and his willingness in seeing what changes God may want in His personal life. I am certain that this has been divinely inspired as my opportunity to reciprocate in someway for the miracle that has occurred in my marriage. My friend who has become divinely inspired to participate sees her main role as in helping your husband to understand your needs and perhaps how you are feeling under the circumstances. She hopes that her participation will be a conduit in change in your husbandís employment status.. She wants you to know that she is praying for you and hoping through this intervention that your situation will changeÖÖ

goody2shuz 03-06-2005 06:10 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]I am ready to receive.

:confused: I assume I'll know what this means after I read it...[/QUOTE]

I have nothing to hide...just thought it might be too lengthy a thing to leave on this thread.....but then again, who cares....if Nini could go to pg.#100 I guess I can too ;)

heartlandguy 03-06-2005 06:15 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Goody, it is beautiful. I have no problem with it. Maybe it could help other posters understand our friendship.

Most importantly, do with it what you think is best. I trust your judgement.

goody2shuz 03-06-2005 06:18 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Goody, it is beautiful. I have no problem with it. Maybe it could help other posters understand our friendship.

Most importantly, do with it what you think is best. I trust your judgement.[/QUOTE]


I agree :angel: You must have known that already, huh??? :D :D Brings back some wonderful memories and also shows just how far down the road we have come in so little time. We have a ways to go.....what can I do for you today, my friend, tell me how I can help.....Goody :angel:

heartlandguy 03-06-2005 06:33 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
I feel overloaded with posts to compose as per Post #143. For the moment, I need to get things out before I can begin to think about myself. What poster here isn't like that? :)

I enjoy your posts but hope I can catch up before you produce more posts requiring replies. :D Did mass give you any insights into my situation? :angel:

goody2shuz 03-06-2005 06:47 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]I enjoy your posts but hope I can catch up before you produce more posts requiring replies. :D Did mass give you any insights into my situation? :angel:[/QUOTE] My friend.....the word [B]insights[/B] doesn't even describe what I see is in store for you. ;) I know that you have alot of catching up to do......I will try not to get ahead of you, and will wait for your signal or for His telling me when the time is right to share my "insights" pertaining to today's mass...Goody :angel:


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