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goody2shuz 03-09-2005 12:44 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Hi Heartland,

It’s Goody’s Best Friend Again!



I did not expect to post again for awhile, however some of your comments in your last post require my input again.



1) When you said, “If I don’t change within 1-2 years, I will be exactly where you predicted.”



Heartland, what I said was not a prediction. I feel you are at about the same place now as my husband. If you add up ALL the various number of times he has been unemployed, it comes out to slightly less than 2 years if it was consecutively. You have not been making a salary in at least 2 years from what you have said, (and I suspect may have been longer than that from what you wrote in previous posts.) WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU WANT TO WAIT ANY LONGER? When I read 1-2 years, I almost gasped!!! This last job lay off from my husband has been the longest he was ever out of work. It has been 6 months. To be honest, if he had been out of work as long as you have been consecutively unemployed, I would have left my husband already!!! (Not bringing home a steady paycheck even if you have a home business – is unemployed) Just because you still have savings in the bank does NOT JUSTIFY YOU NOT PROVIDING FOR YOUR FAMILY!!!!)



2) Yes, it is correct that my husband does not wish to change because he thinks he is right. He thinks ministry comes before family. That is not correct!!! Only a single man should be living that kind of life. Not a married man.

I agreed to become involved in this thread to help your situation. As I stated previously, you can not change someone – they can only change themselves IF THEY WANT TO. DO YOU WANT TO OR NOT?

To be quite frank, I am a working mother and do not have the time to waste on this if you will not admit you need to change NOW!!! How can you possibly think you are not hurting your wife and HARMING YOUR RELATIONSHIP IF YOU DO NOT CHANGE NOW. DO YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR WIFE????????

AS YOU SAID IN YOUR LAST POST, “I CAN’T CONFIDE IN MY WIFE ANYMORE ABOUT MY EMPLOYMENT SITUATION BECAUSE IT BECOMES TOO EMOTIONAL FOR BOTH OF US.” ( Do you lose your temper and yell at your wife when things become emotional??) Please answer this question……….

YOU ARE HURTING YOUR WIFE AND LOSING HER RESPECT ON A DAILY BASIS EVERY DAY YOU ARE NOT OUT OF THE HOUSE APPLYING FOR JOBS.



3) You mentioned you are “highly distracted” and “can’t focus for long periods of time.”

My husband as I mentioned has ADHD. My son also has ADHD. However, my husband’s ADHD is much more pronounced than my son’s. Being that I live with 2 people with ADHD, I have first hand knowledge, as well as book knowledge of it. Heartland, you have classic symptoms of either ADD or ADHD. Please go see a physician that is knowledgeable about the disorder and get treatment if needed. My husband and son both take medication, because they realize they function much better on the medication. My husband is amazed at how much better he can focus and stay organized when he takes the med. He says it even makes a huge difference when he is speaking on helping him to communicate his thoughts more effectively. If you needed glasses to see – wouldn’t you wear them? So why should it be any different to take medication if needed to treat something that may be the main problem with your unemployment status.



4) You said, “I am doing what Ephesians 5:22-33 says I should do; I’m treating her just like I treat myself.”

YOU NEED TO GO BACK AND STUDY THE WHOLE CHAPTER AGAIN. REMEMBER, IT MEANS LOVING YOUR WIFE JUST LIKE CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH AND GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR HER” When you spend your days on the computer, YOU ARE NOT LAYING DOWN YOUR LIFE FOR YOUR WIFE AND YOU ARE NOT LOVING HER THE WAY CHRIST COMMANDS YOU TO!!!! You are instead indulging in selfish behavior to make yourself feel better.





Heartland, you need to decide TODAY if you are going to make the changes needed. I do not have the time to make small talk. I’m doing this to help you. If you don’t want the help, please tell us now.

AS I SAID BEFORE – DO YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR WIFE??? You may have already lost her respect.

TODAY IS THE DAY TO DECIDE – MAKE YOUR CHOICE PLEASE!!!



Good’s Best Friend

GBF




HEARTLAND THIS IS AN ADDENDUM TO MY LAST POST

You mentioned in your post that you did better when you were closely supervised. This is NOT the case for my husband. He has had jobs in management and an even higher position (which he was not paid nearly as much as he should have been). In all those positions, he was able to do a wonderful job while he was interested in that particular job. In fact, he does better when he is not closely supervised. He even won several awards while doing these jobs. He loves interacting with people, loves net-working, and loves planning events and functions. As long as he can find a job where he is able to do these things and has autonomy and is in charge – he does well.

I on the other hand am a little shy, very organized, and more of a homebody –however love to have sincere close friendships and love the theatre, movies, opera, vacations and dining out. (Unfortunately, due to lack of funds, I am not able to do the things I love – and have not for a fairly long period of time.) As you can see, my husband and I are very different, his strengths are my weaknessness and my strengths fill in his weaknesses.

It should in theory be very complimentary as long as we are EACH taking care of our individual responsibilities. When something, LIKE UNEMPLOYMENT, throws off the proper balance, the harmony is ruined.



GOODY’S BEST FRIEND

heartlandguy 03-09-2005 02:25 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=Goody’s Best Friend]DO YOU WANT TO {change} OR NOT?[/quote]Yes, I want to change [u]now[/u].

[quote]Please go see a physician that is knowledgeable about the disorder and get treatment if needed. My husband and son both take medication, because they realize they function much better on the medication. My husband is amazed at how much better he can focus and stay organized when he takes the med. He says it even makes a huge difference when he is speaking on helping him to communicate his thoughts more effectively. If you needed glasses to see – wouldn’t you wear them? So why should it be any different to take medication if needed to treat something that may be the main problem with your unemployment status.[/quote]I will be addressing this soon with Goody.

[quote]4) You said, “I am doing what Ephesians 5:22-33 says I should do; I’m treating her just like I treat myself.”
YOU NEED TO GO BACK AND STUDY THE WHOLE CHAPTER AGAIN. REMEMBER, IT MEANS LOVING YOUR WIFE JUST LIKE CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH AND GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR HER” When you spend your days on the computer, YOU ARE NOT LAYING DOWN YOUR LIFE FOR YOUR WIFE AND YOU ARE NOT LOVING HER THE WAY CHRIST COMMANDS YOU TO!!!! You are instead indulging in selfish behavior to make yourself feel better.[/quote]You chose to exclude the line following what you quoted from me: [B][I]"Unfortunately, in my current condition, I’m failing both of us."[/I][/B] To me, the excluded sentence was more important than what you quoted.

I’m not taking your “tough love” advice lightly. Maybe you excluded the line because it sounds too wishy-washy for you. Would you be satisfied if I rephrased one of your lines to replace the excluded line?… [b][I]I am not loving her [u]or me[/u] the way Christ commands me to!!!![/I][/b] The point of my excluded line was to take responsibility for “indulging in selfish behavior” that is harming my wife and me. In my parlance, my selfish behavior is killing two birds with one stone... in a very negative way. I hoped you would see that as meaning that I have double the incentive to change my ways.


GBF, I do believe you when you say you are doing this to help my wife and me. Thanks for your posts to me and for helping Goody help me. I sense your exasperation with me because I must come across as a hypocrite. I thought sharing my situation might be helpful for you but I was wrong. The last thing I want to do is waste your time so this will be my last post to you unless you request something from me. Thanks again. -Heartland


Oops, sorry!
[quote]AS YOU SAID IN YOUR LAST POST, “I CAN’T CONFIDE IN MY WIFE ANYMORE ABOUT MY EMPLOYMENT SITUATION BECAUSE IT BECOMES TOO EMOTIONAL FOR BOTH OF US.” (Do you lose your temper and yell at your wife when things become emotional??) Please answer this question……….[/quote]My questions exasperate her so she eventually loses her temper and yells. I respond to her in like manner.

goody2shuz 03-09-2005 02:49 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Yes, I want to change [u]now[/u].I’m not taking your “tough love” advice lightly. Maybe you excluded the line because it sounds too wishy-washy for you. Would you be satisfied if I rephrased one of your lines to replace the excluded line?… [b][I]I am not loving her [u]or me[/u] the way Christ commands me to!!!![/I][/b] The point of my excluded line was to take responsibility for “indulging in selfish behavior” that is harming my wife and me. In my parlance, my selfish behavior is killing two birds with one stone... in a very negative way. I hoped you would see that as meaning that I have double the incentive to change my ways.[/QUOTE]

Heartland ~ I couldn't reach MBF following your post and I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you :bouncing: I know today must have been your most difficult day....you have been hit from all angles but when there is a purpose to something and success....sometimes it unfolds this way. Nothing was planned humanly.....I believe you are finally seeing the purpose of this thread.

You pointed out this morning your "seeing" the signs....there have been signs on this road all along for us, we just have to be brave and allow them to lead the way. I admire your courage....as it says in the serenity prayer, a prayer said by wonderful people with addictive behaviors.......

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
[B]courage to change the things I can;[/B]
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

You said you want to change [B]NOW[/B].......and I admire the courage it took to say that. :angel: For without your will to change, our journey would be at an end. Stay on the road with me, Heartland. I know you want to run for the hills, but half the battle is won if you want to change.

With, love, friendship and hugs and prayers......Dorothy :angel:

heartlandguy 03-09-2005 03:44 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=goody2shuz]…in order for our time here to be used productively, I need for you to put your anal-retentiveness aside and just respond without “dotting you I’s and crossing your T’s”. If you cannot see this plan as being helpful then it is my suggestion that you seek outside professional help.[/QUOTE]Goody, I like your plan very much overall. I’ve printed it out and am going over it and am checking for compliance issues. In your marriage thread, Tom and you decided to make at least one minor change in my plan. Although I was concerned about the change, I saw that you planned to follow the spirit of the plan and congratulated you on making a good decision. I hope you allow me the same leeway. I want you to have no doubts about what I am doing. Tom and you made your changes on the fly; I’d rather tell you up front later. Okay?

I also have some thoughts that I want to share with you later that seem to mesh well with your plan. I hope you are open to that.

I found a book that I forgot I owned that is written by authors who write about Cognitive Behavior Therapy (yeah, I know) and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. It is called, “A Guide to Rational Living” by Albert Ellis, PH.D. and Robert A. Harper, PH.D. I “think” a medical counselor recommended it when I had questions about the effect of the mind on dieting and weight loss. I called my family doctor’s office to verify the reason for my visit to the counselor but they won’t be able to research this until tomorrow. The “watery” online bookstore where I bought it has sample pages of the covers, table of contents, etc. If you have the time, I would like your opinion if you think it would a good candidate as a self-help book.

Finally, I must run the plan past Mrs. H. who won’t be home until late tonight. I’m sure you understand why I must do this.

Can you work with a stubborn old lion that really likes your concepts?

goody2shuz 03-09-2005 04:05 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Can you work with a stubborn old lion that really likes your concepts?[/QUOTE]

You [B]are[/B] a procrastinator....part of the problem :rolleyes: How available are you tonite????? I'm getting dinner on the table and then will be available. Meanwhile I want you to check out a book called "A Life with a Purpose" by George Mair. Be ready to let me know what you think of it....Goody

PS....will check out the book you mentioned after I eat. And will respond to the rest of your post then as well.....Goody

heartlandguy 03-09-2005 04:47 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
I will make myself available tonight. I checked the watery booksite for the book description and customer reviews. The description was uninspiring and the two reviews were uncomplimentary. (BTW, I own around a dozen positive thinking or self help books, read only the older half and that was 15-20 years ago.) I could list the applicable books if you like.

I'm not trying to procrastinate but I need my wife's input to validate my thoughts before I get back to you. (If I don't handle this properly at least one of you two will be mad at me... like I need that now. :rolleyes: ) Mrs. H just got home...

I can provide you now with one change I want to make. Your penalty for not adhering to the plan means I can't use any of the healthboards for very legitimate purposes, say ADD, exercise, future health issues, etc. I would rather agree to seeking professional help and never again using the boards' most valuable asset.... you. Does that seem fair?

goody2shuz 03-09-2005 05:02 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Goody, I like your plan very much overall. I’ve printed it out and am going over it and am checking for compliance issues. In your marriage thread, Tom and you decided to make at least one minor change in my plan. Although I was concerned about the change, I saw that you planned to follow the spirit of the plan and congratulated you on making a good decision. I hope you allow me the same leeway. I want you to have no doubts about what I am doing. Tom and you made your changes on the fly; I’d rather tell you up front later. Okay?[/QUOTE] Heartland, my dear friend, I know you soooo well that I know where you want leeway. :D You must remember that with any addiction, in order to succeed, the intervention must be handled aggressively with the source of the addiction [B]totally[/B] removed. We're talking about all liquor poured down drains, all drugs and money sources taken away, the person is literally removed from the environment that has provided his addiction. In your case...I can't throw away your computer or turn off your electricity.....and as far as MBF's input goes....she recommended that you not have[B] any [/B] access to the boards at least until you had a job if even at all :eek: So in this regard, my friend you already have your leeway. OUCH!!!!

[QUOTE=heartland]I also have some thoughts that I want to share with you later that seem to mesh well with your plan. I hope you are open to that.[/QUOTE] I am open to anything that is going to get you out of the procrastination mode and gainfully employed ;) If you need any clarification, reread my above response.

[QUOTE=heartland]I found a book that I forgot I owned that is written by authors who write about Cognitive Behavior Therapy (yeah, I know) and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. It is called, “A Guide to Rational Living” by Albert Ellis, PH.D. and Robert A. Harper, PH.D. I “think” a medical counselor recommended it when I had questions about the effect of the mind on dieting and weight loss. I called my family doctor’s office to verify the reason for my visit to the counselor but they won’t be able to research this until tomorrow. The “watery” online bookstore where I bought it has sample pages of the covers, table of contents, etc. If you have the time, I would like your opinion if you think it would a good candidate as a self-help book.[/QUOTE] So long as your "self-help" does not turn into "paralysis by analysis" as Mr. H so wisely says....this book and any book should be okay. I will take more time to research this book later and be happy to give you my feedback, however, I want to make one thing clear....I do not want you procrastinating any more, Heartland, you've had may years and have spent too much time with the self-help books. It's time to put it all into action. You cannot be here in the capacity of helping others....now is the time to put all your energies and efforts into helping yourself!!! Do you think you can do that???? Forget about the rest of the world. It's time you focus on you and Mrs. H and doing what God tells you so clearly to do for the one you love. Once you are able to do that successfully, eventually you can balance it with your love of helping others. But we know that Job One still awaits ;)

[B]Finally, I must run the plan past Mrs. H. who won’t be home until late tonight. I’m sure you understand why I must do this.[/B] We will meet first thing in the am....let me know the time. Time is of the essence here and if i see any more procrastination I will be takiing that as a clear sign that you are not ready to be helped.

[QUOTE=heartland]Can you work with a stubborn old lion that really likes your concepts?[/QUOTE] I think I already covered this one....now let me know what we can do this evening in order to be ready for action in the am....Dorothy aka Goody :wave:

heartlandguy 03-09-2005 07:58 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Goody, after having a very pleasant and realistic half-hour talk with my wife about the plan, we realize I’m between a rock and a hard place concerning the plan and the local job market… and if I try to explain why, I expect you to think I’m procrastinating. When I can’t explain things without it being seen as procrastination, this thread simply becomes a source of stress. Maybe I should avoid the boards completely until Monday and see if I feel differently then. I have plenty of important tasks to accomplish in the mean time. Goody, I’m sure your plan works great in NYC but my wife and I see a problem or two with it being realistic here. I can see all the work and time you put into the plan so I feel bad not seeing a way to make it work without some adaptations. I guess I am blind. Maybe I won’t be Monday. Don’t think I’m upset; I’m just frustrated.

I haven’t had the opportunity to tell you that I feel real change in me since my “starting tasks” post last night. For the remainder of last night, I was really stunned to realize how I actually prioritized the tasks I start. This morning I felt a real peace that I haven’t felt in a long time. All day long I have done an excellent job of starting tasks for the right reason. I did read other threads for about 5 minutes today but otherwise felt no desire to use the boards other than to defeat my problem.

There is no bigger skeptic than me, but I believe finally understanding why I start tasks for the wrong reason has changed me (at least for the first 24 hours :D). Before I had no tools to fight my impulses and I never consciously realized how yielding to “seemingly harmless” impulses could cause so many problems. Today I was painfully aware of my pattern of failure and it seemed easy to defeat since I now know what to expect. I am going to watch myself very carefully until I can decide if I have really changed or if I’m just hallucinating. I may be hopeful but I’m still primarily skeptical.

Today I really didn’t feel compelled to read/post for the joy of it. Nor did I waste any of my time on my substitute time killers. Instead, I felt a very relaxed focus on changing my negative habits concerning employment. While discussing the plan with my wife, I realized I haven’t explored the local job market properly and I have specific plans for doing that tomorrow. If I honestly believe a week from now that I have gained control over my “impulses for failure”, I may seriously reconsider self-employment.

Mrs. H. has one home front task that she sorely wants me to accomplish and I need to start making steady progress there. While none of these tasks seem exciting, they all seem suddenly doable. I credit that to GBF and you. Thank you for being my friend. –one brain-dead Heartland

HippyChic8123 03-09-2005 08:25 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Hey, I just came across this post, and thought if you dont mind id like to say something er a few somethings anyway lol. I came from a domestic violence household, and some of the things you mentioned seem like they could be signs of that. I've heard stories of guys using "God will provide" as excuses not to do anything, and i tottally understand where your comming from, because the bible does say he will provide if you try and help yourself too. I dont mean to meddle or anything, i just saw a few red flags there with the previous posts that no ones seemed to notice or metion. I would suggest that if you feel your friend is being threatened will be, or being harmed in any way to try and get help for her if you have the time, and if you want to get that involved. anyway ttyl, and good luck...every1 could use more friends like u.

Snails 03-09-2005 09:00 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
I definitely agree that everyone could use a friend like Goody, or Heartland for that matter! Anyway, I don't have much to add here, but I just wanted to pop in and say thanks to Heartland for taking the time to help me out during a difficult time when you're having a tough time yourself lately. Your advice and unique perspective was invaluable--please don't ever doubt that the time you spend here is important and appreciated. Your generous, unselfish commitment to helping me really touched me, and I wanted to make sure you realize that you've helped save more than Goody's marriage through your good works on these boards. Heartland, you have more to offer than you seem to realize at the time, and I hate to see you seeming to doubt yourself. There's nothing wrong with taking a long hard look at what you're doing and what you want to be doing, but don't lose faith in yourself and all your abilities just because you aren't currently where you want to be career-wise. For your sake along with your wife's, I hope you find a better work situation soon, but your career does not determine your worth nearly to the extent that being a wonderful husband and friend does. Anyway, that's my $.02 for the day--I think you are in very good hands trusting Goody and your wife to see you through this time, and I am fervently hoping that everything works out great with your job situation. In the meantime, don't forget what a great deal of advice and support you've contributed to total strangers here...improving someone's life and relationship is no small accomplishment! Not everyone has the insight and perspective that you possess, so please don't undervalue what you've done here. I personally can't thank you enough for helping me to see Patrick's side clearly enough to get our relationship back on track and going better than ever...and I'm sure I'm not the only one whose life you've positively impacted. Your time here hasn't been wasted from my perspective, and I hope you don't think of it as such, even though you may need to take time off to focus on yourself right now. I will be thinking of you and wishing you well...always remember that you have several friends here for you whenever you need support :angel:.

goody2shuz 03-10-2005 05:25 AM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Heartland ~ At 4am so many thoughts popped into my head as to how I should proceed down this road. We both know and still believe that this thread served as a sign to you strong enough in having you reevaluate your life and the way in which you need to address it. You said goodbye to your friends here noting that one season in your life was ending and that another was beginning. It sort of correlates with what is seasonally happening in New York.

At the time you came to this realization, I noted the sound of the birds chirping in my yard and how Spring was on the way. I believe I even made mention of that here. However, mother nature has thrown in at least 2 more snow storms since then and lessened my hopes of there being a Spring, but as it always has in my life , it will come, just perhaps a little later than I had expected.

And so, I have been enlightened to the fact that I have just as much control over the seasons as I do over this thread and it’s purpose. It’s still winter and cold even though I need the warmth of the Spring but I know that it will happen when it is suppose to even though I wish it were here now. Ironic how it so happens to be one of my favorite seasons. ;)

Your transformation seemed to occur, as I recall, around the start of our Easter season…Ash Wednesday. That is when you told us here that your posting would be limited in observance of Lent. Since this thread’s revelation, you saw a reason to say goodbye in all. You were scared as you revealed to us when you heard your message at mass of “Arise man, and do not be afraid!!” Your posting increased as your fears increased and we came to this week when the message was clear in saying…”Arise from the dead, and God will give you light.” If we read on it says…”Therefore, do not continue in ignorance, but try to understand the will of God.” And finally, we receive the Gospel of the curing of the blind man in which the man who has seen through human eyes of blindness is able to see through the eyes of God. I believe you see, Heartland, but you still live with the fear of seeing things God’s way. But just as the Spring will come even when it doesn’t exactly seem like it right now, I know the purpose of this thread will come as well.

I must be honest that when I read your last post I was a little shocked and disappointed and found it so hard to believe that you & Mrs. H didn’t see the overall simplicity of it. We both know that the amount of time you spend here is something that not only bothers Mrs. H but also stands in the way of your seeking gainful employment. We have spent way too much time on addressing the problem than actually coming to a solution. I still feel that the plan I came up with is the only solution at least until you are employed again. I must be honest, that the time I have spent here in the past 2 weeks has been of great sacrifice to me and my family. And I have decided that I cannot sacrifice to this thread anymore other than in the terms of time that my plan stated without it taking it’s toll on my own family. And since you have expressed the fact that this thread only causes you stress I see it’s purpose has changed direction. I will no longer post here unless I see you’ve had a change of heart to my plan and it serving it’s purpose. I am confident that just as the Spring will arrive so will the purpose of this thread.

I felt compelled last night to view your other threads and would like for you to meet me over on your very first thread for which you never received a response. As your friend I would like to offer you the response that you never received back in August 2004.

You and Mrs. H are in my prayers always and I have great faith that the happiness you seek in your life will come soon. It is good that you are refocused and feeling peace…that is what I wish most for you my dearest friend. The friendship that we share will be forever no matter what may transpire in our lives. Please be certain of that…….Goody aka Dorothy :angel:

heartlandguy 03-10-2005 08:10 AM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Goody, I just got a sign that tells me I must report in before Monday so you don’t lose hope that I am moving in the right direction. As I just put away the Rational Thinking book mentioned yesterday, I found another (small) book by Albert Ellis entitled “Overcoming Procrastination”. It is subtitled “The famed scientific method for ending a habit that is robbing you of time, money, power, freedom, and love”. I most definitely now have bedtime reading material.

As I had morning coffee, I wrote a To-Do List for today and shared it with my wife.

Today, I will spend several hours exploring a local online employment database.

For supper, I’m taking my wife out and we’ll discuss what I’ve done today (I promised this to her over morning coffee.)

This morning, I produced the following file on my computer:
[I][b]Resolutions stemming from the “Task Starting” Revelation[/b]

1. For my business, I need:
- a strong vision
- a clear plan
- good support
Source: my dream

2. If tempted to relapse back to former “Task Starting” habits,
do my daily exercises
Src: My wife (MW) and Goody
Note: exercise includes using my “10-digit” rosary.

3. Resume daily use of a To-Do List. Src: MW;
For home/office tasks, generally use 2-hour time slots
(less pressure=>better results) Src: me

4. Perspective: Relationship Board is an extension of my family. I must provide for all of my family but have failed on the home front. I must seek balance based on need. Src: me[/I]


I hope you can see how much you have helped me. My wife and I are very grateful for the changes we both see in me. Your plan has pressured me into taking responsibility for making my dreams come true. Thank you so much, my dearest friend! :angel:

This thread has served its purpose for me. So now, please let me post periodically here when I make significant progress. I will post Monday and expect to give you clear signs of progress. -Heartland


PS: I had a dream that made me post on your thread on the Parenting Board. I will check out your post on my original thread after I post this.


Stacy, I really appreciate your post. I will reply to it Monday.

reddoorblack 03-10-2005 08:22 AM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=Snails]I definitely agree that everyone could use a friend like Goody, or Heartland for that matter! Anyway, I don't have much to add here, but I just wanted to pop in and say thanks to Heartland for taking the time to help me out during a difficult time when you're having a tough time yourself lately. Your advice and unique perspective was invaluable--please don't ever doubt that the time you spend here is important and appreciated.[/QUOTE]I couldn't have said it better!!! I second that - yes, thank you heartland you have been so special to me. I couldn't have come this far without you. Please know you are in my thoughts.

heartlandguy 03-10-2005 01:28 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Goody, I’m posting to make a commitment and to show you that preparing your plan was not a waste of time. BTW, Mrs. H was consulted about the following and that I was posting it here.

During the “work on my vision” time slot on my To-Do list, I reviewed the following segment from my earlier post today:
[I]For my business, I need:
- a strong vision
- a clear plan
- good support[/I]

[I]Good support[/I] was the least clear item in the list so I tackled it first. After a bit of thought, Goody’s Plan seemed to be the answer if I adjusted it for my situation. The reason this thread has progressed so slowly and why your plan wasn’t perfect for me involved things I couldn’t reveal in a public forum without identifying myself. Your plan’s concepts are great so I want to implement them – Heartland style.

I tackled the toughest task first and enhanced its value. You said I needed to be accountable to a friend. Before last night’s post, I thought about a friend who knew the most about my situation but probably wasn’t my best choice. Today, I decided to bite the bullet and called a good friend who is a bank officer whose job involves many employment issues. He has agreed to be my employment advisor and confidant. The things I couldn’t tell you in a public forum, I will tell him and I expect great advice from him. I’ve got an appointment with him tomorrow and we’ll discuss permanent employment, interim employment, how to avoid being too picky for jobs (especially interim jobs), and ground rules for successful self-employment.

I am not procrastinating by posting this because I will print it out and use it for a worksheet during my appointment. (K2B1S)

I know that this is not how you envisioned your plan being carried out and you are tired of dealing with me. Still, I bet you have ideas that could help me make your plan work better in my situation. Tonight, I will discuss a posting arrangement with Mrs. H that should allow me to efficiently interact with this thread for your counsel, assuming you want to do that. I’ll check back here just before my bedtime to see if you had anything to say.

I plan to address the rest of your plan in my Monday post.

If you are uncertain whether to accept my request for your continued counsel (you do know you are my only conduit), please remember I encouraged you on your marriage thread to take ownership on my plan. I’m only following my own advice here.

Wondering if I’m all alone on the road… -Heartland

goody2shuz 03-10-2005 01:53 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Heartland ~ I am here and will never abandon you, my friend. :angel: I am still on the road but Dorothy is not going to allow her lion to run into the woods and have to drag him out everytime he hears a noise (thump, thump) :D :D I see a few angels have appeared to show you that it's not so scary where we're going and help alleviate your fears.

This is a quick post & I will post more in a little while....my daughter has play practice and I must get working on something for dinner. I just didn't want you feeling alone and will address your post further when I have more time.

(((((HUGS))))))...Goody :wave:

PS....please clarify what K2B1S means ASAP ;)

goody2shuz 03-10-2005 05:37 PM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy]Goody, I just got a sign that tells me I must report in before Monday so you don’t lose hope that I am moving in the right direction. As I just put away the Rational Thinking book mentioned yesterday, I found another (small) book by Albert Ellis entitled “Overcoming Procrastination”. It is subtitled “The famed scientific method for ending a habit that is robbing you of time, money, power, freedom, and love”. I most definitely now have bedtime reading material.[/QUOTE] This definitely sounds like a better reading source and I do think it is great to use dutring downtimes and bedtime. I just want you to assure me that you don't use it as another form of "Procrastination by procrastination" tool. Heartland, there are so many self-help books that we can find to soak up and try to improve ourselves, but we really need to focus on putting it all into action. There is no book or counsel better than yourself to get out there and find employment.

I feel that I need to ask you a fairly simple question. Being that you have your appointment with your friend who you have chosen to be accountable to tommorrow, I thought I would broach the subject. I hope that you are going to tell this person everything about your work history, the amount of time you have been out of work, your financial situation, and especially the fact that you have spent the last 7 months here on just about a fulltime basis rather than seeking employment. I want you to own up to the fact that you consider this board to be an addiction and show him the plan and let him know that he is the one you will call if you find yourself unable to stay away from here rather than spending the time seeking employment. You need to say "Hi....I'm Heartland, and I am addicted to Healthboards. And I have not posted outside Goody's thread in......days." ;) Most importantly, we come to that question, my friend. I am wondering if you are prepared to take a job, perhaps a few, as financial stepping stones at perhaps a Lowes, Home Depot, local merchandising company, lumber yard etc. in order to bring some money into the household??? I also need to know if Mrs. H has been requesting that you seek employment and for how long???? I need honest answers.


[B]As I had morning coffee, I wrote a To-Do List for today and shared it with my wife.

Today, I will spend several hours exploring a local online employment database.

For supper, I’m taking my wife out and we’ll discuss what I’ve done today (I promised this to her over morning coffee.)[/B] This is good...I'm sure Mrs. H was pleased to hear that you had a specific plan and I can't wait to hear the outcome of your employment database search.

[B]This morning, I produced the following file on my computer:
[I][b]Resolutions stemming from the “Task Starting” Revelation[/b]

1. For my business, I need:
- a strong vision
- a clear plan
- good support
Source: my dream[/B] My main concern is that you are going to procrastinate in the sense of looking for the ideal job rather than finding a job or a few that will help replenish and add to your savings as well as contribute to household expenses.


[B]2. If tempted to relapse back to former “Task Starting” habits,
do my daily exercises
Src: My wife (MW) and Goody
Note: exercise includes using my “10-digit” rosary.[/B] You must be aware that we will no longer coddle you.....we will be flaming you and kicking you in the butt until you see that it is unacceptable to remain home and not contributing to the household costs.

[B]3. Resume daily use of a To-Do List. Src: MW;
For home/office tasks, generally use 2-hour time slots
(less pressure=>better results) Src: me[/B] You need to clarify this part for me. Does this mean that you will formulate a daily plan and discuss it each morning with your wife until you land a job???


[B]4. Perspective: Relationship Board is an extension of my family. I must provide for all of my family but have failed on the home front. I must seek balance based on need. Src: me[/B] You must remember that your real family and their needs come first ~ ALWAYS. Your family here would want it no other way ;) So this means that you will not be posting on any other thread besides here until you land yourself a JOB, correct :D


[B]I hope you can see how much you have helped me. My wife and I are very grateful for the changes we both see in me. Your plan has pressured me into taking responsibility for making my dreams come true. Thank you so much, my dearest friend! [/B] Heartland....I know I've been tough but it's only because I don't want to contribute to a problem by being here. If I am here, it is truly in the capacity as a friend who wants to help you out and help you see your full potential.

[B]This thread has served its purpose for me. So now, please let me post periodically here when I make significant progress. I will post Monday and expect to give you clear signs of progress.[/B] That was all part of my plan....you need support and I am hoping that other posters will continue to support your efforts because we all see you so deserving of them :angel: And we are confident that you will succeed. You've helped many here, now it's time to allow your friends to help you. :angel:


[QUOTE=heartland]Good support was the least clear item in the list so I tackled it first. After a bit of thought, Goody’s Plan seemed to be the answer if I adjusted it for my situation. The reason this thread has progressed so slowly and why your plan wasn’t perfect for me involved things I couldn’t reveal in a public forum without identifying myself. Your plan’s concepts are great so I want to implement them – Heartland style.[/QUOTE] Boy....I don't know how Mrs.H puts up with you. :rolleyes: I almost feel as if I am up against K. here who can manipulate a situation into turning out to be in her best interest even when it is in terms of a punishment :eek:
We'll see, Heartland...I must warn you....I am flexible but not gullible ;)

[B]Today, I decided to bite the bullet and called a good friend who is a bank officer whose job involves many employment issues. He has agreed to be my employment advisor and confidant. The things I couldn’t tell you in a public forum, I will tell him and I expect great advice from him. I’ve got an appointment with him tomorrow and we’ll discuss permanent employment, interim employment, how to avoid being too picky for jobs (especially interim jobs), and ground rules for successful self-employment.[/B] As I discussed above, I'm hoping you discuss the issues regarding your Healthboards involvement and his availability to counsel you on that too.

[B]I am not procrastinating by posting this because I will print it out and use it for a worksheet during my appointment. (K2B1S)[/B] I know, Heartland....geeez, I never thought that you and I would get to this type of relationship where I would have to remain tough in order to see you through!!! However, I must say that you are far more compliant than my daughters. In fact you almost sound like me on my marriage thread...it was almost as if I couldn't even see my way out and when you gave me a plan I was so relieved to have someone guiding me through because I was not only scared but had no idea what to do in order to find my way home. It gave me hope.


[B]I know that this is not how you envisioned your plan being carried out and you are tired of dealing with me. Still, I bet you have ideas that could help me make your plan work better in my situation. Tonight, I will discuss a posting arrangement with Mrs. H that should allow me to efficiently interact with this thread for your counsel, assuming you want to do that. I’ll check back here just before my bedtime to see if you had anything to say.[/B]
I'll be honest, my friend, you can really make things difficult....and I am gonna tell you like it is. There's zero toerance wtih Goody and by the time I'm through with you I should be able to handle two "meanagers" easily :D

[B]I plan to address the rest of your plan in my Monday post[/B] Looking forward to that with a vengence. ;)

[B]If you are uncertain whether to accept my request for your continued counsel (you do know you are my only conduit), please remember I encouraged you on your marriage thread to take ownership on my plan. I’m only following my own advice here.[/B] My friend, I am not as heartless as you may think...you should know me better, but I am prepared to have you reread this entire thread before I go beating around the bush again. So if you don't wanna repeat the course you better be prepared to go forward.

[B]Wondering if I’m all alone on the road…[/B] You're never alone...and you should know that by now, my friend......Dorothy

heartlandguy 03-11-2005 02:56 AM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Goody, I’m pleased you will still help me but I am disappointed that you can’t trust me. It was a mistake that I ever said that I was “most likely addicted” to posting because now I truly don’t believe that. Excessive posting is a symptom of my real problem. For one thing, I really have no withdrawal pains. Also, I found it rather easy to use my To-Do list like an adult today and I don’t think I could have ever honestly said that before. As I told you in an earlier post, I think my problem is the infantile way that I selected tasks to do. Now that I understand it, I think it should be treated as a bad habit that [b]must[/b] be broken rather than as an addiction. I hope you will believe me after you read this post but somehow I doubt it. I don’t mind you being skeptical about what I say because, to a degree, I am, too. But as an adult taking responsibility for regaining control over my life, I am using a two-layered approach to break my habit because men sometimes need two stones to kill one bird. (2SK1B, not K2B1S ;) )

My primary method to break the habit consists of the following:
- Produce and update a clear plan that Mrs. H approves
- Make it easy for Mrs. H to monitor results.

In essence, Mrs. H is my silent but controlling “business partner” and she realizes that her involvement is very important to my success.. Several months ago, I asked her to act in a similar role but both of us let that idea fall by the wayside. Back then, I wasn’t open enough with Mrs. H to make it practical so she dropped the idea to avoid fighting. Now I’m making myself accountable to her and giving her daily reports on how I handled my To-Do list. Mrs. H is willing and able to do this because I’m making this a low stress process for her. After considering the alternatives, she is “happy” to do this as long as I act in good faith.

My secondary (backup) method to break the habit is to treat my problem as an addiction. Basically, that means using Goody’s plan. There may be some duplication of effort here that some people could see as procrastination :rolleyes: but the stakes are too high to not have a backup plan. Mrs. H understands all this and is willing to do whatever it takes to stand by her man. The topics that caused her and I to argue last weekend are now discussed calmly because she has reason for hope. I must not disappoint her again. I think I’ve regained her trust; I wish it were that easy to regain yours, my friend.

My guiding light on behavioral modification (until I read the anti-procrastination book) comes from a self-suggestion audiotape for losing weight. It said don’t set goals that don’t lead you to your final destination. In the case of weight loss, don’t set a goal to lose weight because the subconscious will see it as a destructive goal that could lead to emaciation. Rather, set the goal to become slim because it can be safely followed for a lifetime. Although the differences in the goals seem minor, I think they are very important to the subconscious. Some of my primary methods will use this technique. For instance, I plan to treat posting here as I would if I was fully employed. Excluding this thread, I’ll treat posting like one of my many hobbies. I’ll have little or no time for it most evenings and weekends. Until I find a job, I really don’t have any time for hobbies, including other threads. I expect this method to work but Mrs. H and I are prepared to switch to my tweaked version of Goody’s plan if I falter. Backsliding is [u]not[/u] an option.

[quote] I feel that I need to ask you a fairly simple question. Being that you have your appointment with your friend who you have chosen to be accountable to tomorrow, I thought I would broach the subject. I hope that you are going to tell this person everything about your work history, the amount of time you have been out of work, your financial situation, and especially the fact that you have spent the last 7 months here on just about a fulltime basis rather than seeking employment. I want you to own up to the fact that you consider this board to be an addiction and show him the plan and let him know that he is the one you will call if you find yourself unable to stay away from here rather than spending the time seeking employment. You need to say "Hi....I'm Heartland, and I am addicted to Healthboards. And I have not posted outside Goody's thread in......days." Most importantly, we come to that question, my friend. I am wondering if you are prepared to take a job, perhaps a few, as financial stepping stones at perhaps a Lowes, Home Depot, local merchandising company, lumber yard etc. in order to bring some money into the household??? I also need to know if Mrs. H has been requesting that you seek employment and for how long???? I need honest answers. [/quote]Yes, Goody, he will get a copy of this post, Goody’s Plan (unaltered) and other supporting posts. There’s a lot for him to learn so it will take several appointments to get him fully involved. Trust me that I’ll do this properly; I’ll report on it Monday.

To answer your question from the quote… I posted earlier today about considering interim jobs. This will be a major, serious topic tomorrow; I’ll post details on Monday. Mrs. H is asleep now; I’ll report her perspective on her requests on Monday. (I doubt my thoughts would be accurate so I must ask her.)

[quote]Does this mean that you will formulate a daily plan and discuss it each morning with your wife until you land a job???[/quote]I will produce a daily To-Do list over coffee (before she leaves for work) and will offer to discuss it with her. She trusts what I do because she knows that I’m a procrastinator, not a liar. If I start something, I do it right.

[quote] Boy....I don't know how Mrs.H puts up with you. . . . . . I must warn you....I am flexible but not gullible[/quote]I’ve told you many times that she’s a saint but you apparently refuse to listen. ;) I have always admitted my weaknesses to her so I guess that makes it harder for her to be angry with me. . . . Goody, I know you’re not gullible; I’m still looking for evidence of the flexibility. :D

Seriously, Goody, I’m glad to have the support of my toughest critic back. I’ve had these flaws my entire life but never understood them well enough to deal with them until now. Maybe someday I’ll earn your trust back.

Battered, bruised, but not alone on the road… :) :) :) -Heartland

goody2shuz 03-11-2005 05:55 AM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Wow, my friend....you HAVE been busy :bouncing: Heartland, I am pretty much going to ad lib on this post because I think that is what you need the most ;)

A thought came to mind as I read your post that I promise to keep tucked in the back of my mind at all times as I work with you on this thread and it is......."BREAK THE HABIT, [B]NOT[/B] THE MAN" And that has been my intention all along. And I absolutely love your (2SK1B) idea because you have finally come to realize that you can't help others until you help yourself :bouncing: Thus, you are now able to stay focused on Job One and create that balance that you so desperately need in your life. I am proud of you my friend, and I wanted you to start your day knowing that and that you have a friend here that truly believes in you and always has....it's just sooo GREAT finally seeing that you believe in yourself too. For a while there, I wasn't quite sure.

Heartland, I do trust you but I don't trust the passionate thinking you have to help others before you can even think of helping yourself. That is why it is imperative that you not read other threads here....and I think you already have incorporated that into part of [B]your[/B] plan. It's so difficult for people like you and I to walk away from others that need our help but you must know that for now you have bigger fish to fry and that all will go well here while you concentrate on Job One. I will see to that personally ;)

Another thought that came to mind is some great advice that YOU, my wonderful friend, gave to me that has made mine and Tom's life soooo much happier and that is to use your best friends and other people in your life to vent to so that your SO can see the less stressful side of you and reap the benefits of the relationship. I am a bit concerned that you are putting Mrs. H in an acccountibility position which may cause her stress and perhaps even your relationship stress, although I can see that you wish for her to be seen in the light of being your partner in your success. I just want you to be open to seeing if this ends up being counterproductive in anyway, that you will reevaluate her being put in this position if you notice it placing unnecessary stress on either her or your relationship.

I heard the birds chirping yesterday again...which restored my hope and was a pretty good sign of Spring coming soon. Woke up this morning to snow :eek: , we are suppose to get another 2 inches by the end of the day.

Heartland, I feel that you need a song dedication to send you on your way. I just put on my favorite radio station that never seems to disappoint me when I post....another sign to me that He's always with us on our journey.....and the first song that came on is just perfect in terms of lyrics...I don't know it well but I think it's perfect :bouncing: It's got an upbeat southwestern flair. Notice how a road paved in gold is mentioned ;) :




[U][B]The Way~ by Fastball[/B][/U]



They made up their minds
And they started packing
They left before the sun came up that day
An exit to eternal summer slacking
But where were they going
Without ever knowing the way?
They drank up the wine
And they got to talking
They now had more important things to say And when the car broke down
They started walking
Where were they going without ever knowing the way?

Anyone could see
[B]The road that they walk on is paved in gold[/B]
And it's always summer, they'll never get cold
They'll never get hungry
They'll never get old and gray
You can see their shadows
Wandering off somewhere
They won't make it home
But they really don't care
They wanted the highway
They're happy there today , today

The children woke up
And they couldn't find 'em
They Left before the sun came up that day
They just drove off
And left it all behind 'em
But where were they going without ever knowing the way?


Also....I am posting today's horoscope as incentive....

[B]LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)[/B]

You've got something to say, and you won't stop until you've said it. That may involve being a bit feistier than you usually are -- your dear ones won't quite know what to do with you.

[B]LEO (July 23 - August 22)[/B]

Still dashing around on top of the world, feeling like a million bucks in large bills? Well, that's nothing. You're just getting started. Remember, it's the weekend, so things can only get better from here


You are in my prayers, my friend, and keep me posted with your progress....Dorothy

Yes we're still on the same road together, and the bruises you sustained will be healed...... :angel: :angel:

heartlandguy 03-11-2005 10:20 AM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
Wow! I really needed to hear something positive from you, Goody, thank you! :) I’m the type of person that thrives on positive thinking and flounders when facing negativity. My plan will be basically your plan with a positive spin. It’s a plan for a new lifestyle so it should last a lifetime, like good eating habits. With my convoluted thinking, your plan seems like a punishment that I can escape if I stick to my plan. :rolleyes: As a two-layered plan, there’s incentive for the good boy and bad boy in me to do the right thing. I think you can see that now. The perfectionist in me can be very tough on me once it understands what must be done.

I talked to my banker friend for about 50 minutes and I will call him with a few specific questions I need answered before we meet again Tuesday. The reason I checked in was to see if you have more things that I should tell him. I’m glad you didn’t have any; I don’t want to burn him out. When he and I met, the first ten minutes covered what you wanted him to know about my situation and why you were involved. I presented that information very crisply and professionally but his slack jaw and wide eyes had their own message... :rolleyes:

[I]Replies to you last post:[/I]
Believe in myself? I’ve always been confident of my abilities; they got me by for a very long time before encountering a problem severe enough to require a change. I’ll be even more confident once I learn to manage them properly. So please remember that I don’t need more confidence but I’ll always need positive thinking.

I have a strong vision for doing Job One before helping others. I see myself typing. I’m mid-post helping someone else. In walks the cable repair guy and yanks my cable modem from the wall. The moral?
No money, no posting;
No Goody, no kidding!

While it’s certainly not the best reason (or poetry) for doing Job One, it’s very vivid in my mind and hard to forget. To help with not viewing other threads, I’ve created a Windows shortcut that takes me straight to the last post on this thread. I can’t read what I don’t see. :)

Yes, Goody, Mrs. H doesn’t mind handling my accountability when I’m doing Job One. It even has its perks. :D Indeed, any significant bad news will be shared with my real and virtual friends who seem to just love flogging me. ;) Must be what they mean by “different strokes for different folks”…

I need my friends to be positive and forthright. Thanks for being both. -Heartland


I save many of our posts on my computer because they form a journal of growth and decisions that will probably be used in real world documents someday. Posting on this thread crystallizes my thinking and serves as another motivational commitment for me. I’m starting to enjoy self-help postings now; these boards are sooo versatile. :)

goody2shuz 03-11-2005 10:46 AM

Re: What's a Friend to Do?
 
[QUOTE=heartlandguy] As a two-layered plan, there’s incentive for the good boy and bad boy in me to do the right thing. I think you can see that now. The perfectionist in me can be very tough on me once it understands what must be done.


I have a strong vision for doing Job One before helping others. I see myself typing. I’m mid-post helping someone else. In walks the cable repair guy and yanks my cable modem from the wall. The moral?
[B]No money, no posting;
No Goody, no kidding![/B]

While it’s certainly not the best reason (or poetry) for doing Job One, it’s very vivid in my mind and hard to forget. To help with not viewing other threads, I’ve created a Windows shortcut that takes me straight to the last post on this thread. I can’t read what I don’t see. :)

I save many of our posts on my computer because they form a journal of growth and decisions that will probably be used in real world documents someday. Posting on this thread crystallizes my thinking and serves as another motivational commitment for me. I’m starting to enjoy self-help postings now; these boards are sooo versatile. :)[/QUOTE]

Hey, friend :wave: Glad to provide the positive reinforcement you need. Actually, Heartland in helping you I am actually helping myself. I too had been neglecting some things on the homefront and must admit that the amount of time spent here is definitely something that can distract us from other things.....so I am trying not to be hypocritical although you know that I have alot more flexibility than you do ;) I will be placing limits on my posting as well.....giving 4-6 hours at the most as if it were a part-time job. The way it stands YOU will be taking up most of that time.....but it will be time well spent if it helps you acheive Job One :bouncing:

Sounds like the meeting went well with your banker friend. Wonder if you can guess what the set jaw and wide eyes was all about ;)

I love your plan NO MONEY=NO POSTING....I think MBF will be happy to see that ;)

Just on another positive note.....Tom has been asking about you on a daily basis....he has a stake in your success as well. He told me to tell you that despite his selling his business he is out there working and knows that you will be too :D (He knows with me you can't fail)

I miss you my friend but know that you have lots to do....I know there'll be a day where we can have fun again with circuses and all but that time IS NOT now ;)

Know that you are in my thoughts & prayers......I have another song I will post tonite so be on the lookout.....Dorothy aka Goody :wave:


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