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    Old 02-17-2005, 03:57 AM   #1
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    married for 7 years almost...confused

    hi i'm new here and i have a really big problem...ok let me start from the beginning....i had an arranged marriage when i was 20 and now have been married for almost 7 years.i got married to this guy cause my parents wanted me to and so i thout it wld be the rite thing to hubby and i got along fine i think....guess i changed a lot after marriage and maybe he did too.i wont say i was in love with this guy but he seemed our marriage went along whatever i was unsatisfied with i wld put it off by saying..hey its all normal and part of marriage....we had a kid after 3 1/2 years.....but thats where i changed ....i felt like life had a lot more to offer....i began questioning myself,is there more to life or is it just this...just being at home n taking care of a kid n waiting for my hubby to come home...i never worked cause my hubby did'nt approve of it.....hes a nice guy but he always likes things to be his way......i did not have any sexual attraction for my hubby and sex was never really great but i wld always tell him it was good.....i was a different person be4 marriage full of life n what i had become was unbeliveable...i had dreams of my own but never got a chance to dpersue any of when my kid was abt a year and a half old i met this guy on the internet...he lives in a different country....but somehow i got friendly with this guy n wld tlk everyday almost....he told me he was falling in love with me even be4 i wld send him my pic(which i found real funny)...but as days went by we got closer n closer n 8 months later i found that i was in love with this guy n i wanted to have sex with him n live with him.....he loves me too,n even told me that if i was not married he wld want me to be his the beginning i wld tell him its impossible for that to ever happen....but we still continued to tlk to each other.....i just cld'nt stop tlking to this guy cause he really made me feel special..........he even finds me its almost 2 yrs we've known each other n we r still in love....each day i want to be with him more n more....i've connected with him rite from the beginning....he always says the ball is in ur court n whatever happens he wld always be there for for my hubby n i ...from my side we've lost connection a litt after we had our that time he wld spend very litt time with me n we wld argue n fight over silly things.....n he wld also get a little voilent with me(kinda like threaten me)....but now hes sobered down....i know he cares for me n loves our child....but from my side there is no love.....i respect him n i dont want him hurt n i also want to see him happy....but the thout of divorce keeps crossing my mind.....i'm living my life centered around the internet guy and not my husband....i'm just sooooooooo confused....just want to know if anyone ever was in the same situation.......thnx.a litt advice wld be nice tooo...

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    Old 02-17-2005, 05:14 AM   #2
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    Re: married for 7 years almost...confused

    I think that your relationship with this man over the internet is taking you away from the potentially happy relationship you can have with your husband. If you put your time and energies into him half as much as you do with this guy on the internet your marriage may still have a fighting chance. Everyone would like to think things would be better with someone they correspond with behind a computer screen but who's to say that things would be any better with that guy than they are with your husband??? I always liked that Pina Colada song where a guy puts an ad in the paper looking for a particular woman and when it comes to actually meeting her it ends up being his own wife We all seem to at one point in our lives be looking for something fantastic when what's fantastic is standing right before our eyes So, my advice is to end this internet thing you've got going on and focus on putting your energy into your family. Surely there must be good things in your marriage....and if not, try to put them there. If after you've done that you see that you and your husband are still unhappy then reevaluate. I hope this helps a little...I just don't see anything good coming from this internet relationship. Good luck.....Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-17-2005 at 05:16 AM.

    Old 02-18-2005, 02:59 AM   #3
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    Re: married for 7 years almost...confused

    thnx so much for replying goody.....i still dont know exactly what to do...i guess i have to sort it out in my mind first.....i know walking out of my husbands life wld have a devastating effect on my kid....i dont wanna risk that....n neither can i have 2 guys in my life...its just not possible....i know what i'm supposed to do but the hardest part is letting go of this internet guy...he understands me so well...hes never told me to leave my hubby(just because of my kid)but he does say that he wld always be there for me....hes not only the love of my life but also my best friend.....i've tried to say goodbye to him be4 but just cant get myself to do it.....i feel like if i do let go my life wld be so empty n lonely...i know u say my hubby is there but i just cant help feeling this can u connect with a guy who just seems worlds apart....we r like 2 ppl living in the same apartment.....well maybe i'm making a mountain out of a mole hill...i just dont know.....well thnx anyway.....bye tc....

    Old 02-18-2005, 10:08 AM   #4
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    Re: married for 7 years almost...confused

    Hi Sunshine!
    Call me crazy but I think you should meet this guy if you ever have the chance.

    Its so easy to build someone up to be what you want them to be when you are not with them in every day life. I had a long distance relationship going on with someone I met on vacation. We kept in touch with visits and phone calls... I thought he was everything I had been looking for. Then I realized, I didn't even know him. I only knew who he pretended to be for a few days at a time when we were together or for a few moments over the phone or computer. I also built him up to be the man of my dreams not realizing that he had faults like everyone else. I just didn't see them because he wasn't there.
    Needless to say we eventually realized that we weren't as compatible as we hoped we were. Its easy to convince yourself you are when he's not there every day to prove you wrong...
    However....I DO believe in true love and after 2 years of talking to this man, the feelings you have for him in your heart may be right.

    You will never know if you don't meet him. However, not behind your husbands back though... You need to make a decision about your marriage before worrying about this man... Keep the two issues separate.

    I am not trying to take marriage lightly. Normally I would say to try and save your marriage but you mentioned that he has made threats of abuse to you...
    Also, considering your's was arranged, I feel as though you were, in a way, cheated out of the chance to find true love. We may not always find it, but we all deserve a chance to look for it....

    Of course, ALWAYS put your daughter first. But putting your children first does not always mean staying in an unhappy marriage and living an unfulfilled life. What if your daughter is in your exact same situation some day? What would you advise her to do?

    Sorry, I'm all over the place with this...I'm at work and can't focus! I just believe that everyone deserves to be happy and you seem to have never gotten the chance.
    Good Luck to you!

    Old 02-18-2005, 10:22 AM   #5
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    Re: married for 7 years almost...confused

    Since your marriage was arranged by your parents, you never had the chance to decide for yourself whether you loved this guy or not. I think whether you continue contact with the internet guy or not, seriously consider what you feel you are missing in your life, and can your husband fill those needs you're having? I also imagine for you, getting a divorce not only means ending your marriage, starting your life over again and your child coming from a split home, but also going against your culture, your beliefs and your family. I imagine it must be very hard. But I think right now, the main decision you have to make is, all things considered, your child and all, how unhappy are you? Can you see yourself living like this for the rest of your life? If not, then you owe it to yourself and your child to do something about it. You say you care for your husband, respect him and don't want to hurt him, but not once did you say you ever loved him. You also said you were never sexually attracted to him. To me, having sex with someone you're not sexually attracted to when it was someone else's idea it tantamount to servitude. American culture doesn't support that. I think you have the right to be happy, but only you know what will make you happy. I think you really need to weigh the pros and cons of staying in this loveless, arranged marriage, and the pros and cons of leaving it, and make a plan that you feel will work for you, and go for it. Good luck to you.

    Old 02-19-2005, 09:40 PM   #6
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    Re: married for 7 years almost...confused

    It's very easy for someone sitting at another computer screen thousands of miles away to say they will always be there for you. But how could you be sure? Do you REALLY know this guy? You could only know what he feels like telling you. For all you know, it could be an 80 yr old man down the street from you.

    My point is this... you had an arranged marriage and if you feel robbed of being able to make a decision on who you want to marry, and that it will never work with your husband and you will never be happy, then do what you must to leave.

    But just make sure that what ever you decide to do, it is based on yourself and your childs best interests... and not on some computer guy who you have never met and don't really know.
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