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  • I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

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    Old 02-23-2005, 09:19 PM   #31
    lisa24
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    Hi Tyger! Good to hear from you again!

    I have to agree with you about the 'strength concept'. It's a hard one to figure out. I've pretty much had to handle all my own problems all my life. The only people I've ever had to help are of the unsupportive type. I guess some people can find strength by being beat down, you know all the more reason to prove others wrong type of thing, but for me that just doesn't work.
    So guess I always had to be 'strong' for myself, though I really don't see it as strong, I see it as no other choice.
    Anyways, point is, I'm tired of being 'strong'. I want to be weak. I want to be able to fall down and have someone else pick me back up for once. And I think that has a lot to do with why my emotions about this have gone the way they have been going.

    I wonder if you can relate to that. Seems you've had a lot to deal with as a child that forced you to be strong before you were ready.
    If you relate, well, I'm not sure where that leaves anything. Doesn't solve the problem, but I suppose it puts us in touch with our feelings, which is the first step to working them out.

    On to a more positive note. I know it's not want you want to hear, but Tyger, you really are going to be ok. Just the way you can express your feelings as you do here says alot about you. And the way you didn't back down from your emotions, well, I still admire that. If you do want someone to help you up from this fall, you know we're right here, and would be honored to help. Hope to see you back soon!

     
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    Old 02-25-2005, 09:58 AM   #32
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    I know exactly how you feel - I am you, about a year later after the break-up. Sure, there are times when it does feel better, but sometimes those bad days just creep up on you and you end up feeling like you will never get over him. I still believe that my ex is the love of my life, but I am willing to give other guys a shot (and yeah at first it felt wrong or like betrayal), because there has got to be another guy out there that can make me feel even better than my ex did - and when I find him, its going to be fantastic.
    There is a light at the end of that dark tunnel you seem to be in - I'm seeing glimpses of it now, but you may be still a little bit too far to see it - but you will.
    My advice is to try to cut all contact with him - thats a mistake that I made - my ex and I had been friends since we were kids - and we decided to try to save the friendship but it just slows down the healing process so much.
    Good Luck and I know you can feel better - you ultimately only feel how you want to feel and you can totally control that (just takes a bit of practice! I still haven't completely gotten a handle of it)
    ~Stacy

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 12:26 PM   #33
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lisa24
    I have to agree with you about the 'strength concept'. It's a hard one to figure out. I've pretty much had to handle all my own problems all my life. The only people I've ever had to help are of the unsupportive type. I guess some people can find strength by being beat down, you know all the more reason to prove others wrong type of thing, but for me that just doesn't work.
    So guess I always had to be 'strong' for myself, though I really don't see it as strong, I see it as no other choice.
    Anyways, point is, I'm tired of being 'strong'. I want to be weak. I want to be able to fall down and have someone else pick me back up for once. And I think that has a lot to do with why my emotions about this have gone the way they have been going.
    Wow, Lisa, I couldn't have said it better myself! I completely relate to what you said. Having to be "strong" and always relying on oneself is okay for a while, but I've been in this "strong" mode ever since the break up with my fiance, and I, too, am SO TIRED of being strong. Like you said, I just want to be weak for once and have somebody take care of me. Have somebody help me drag bags of groceries home and help me buy a new standing lamp that I need for my living room and carry it home for me because it IS too heavy for a slender woman. And have somebody who will take out that damn air conditioner out of the window. Once I almost hurt myself trying to take it out because the cold air was coming into the apartment thru it. It sucks to have to do everything alone and I definitely can't afford to hire someone to help me with stuff like that. Plus, let's face it, it's also about having your own man who WANTS to take care of you and help you and who you don't have to pay because he'll be HAPPY to do it for you.

    Oh man, I guess I can't really contribute anything positive to this thread, just want to say that I understand, and that all us girls in the same situation just have to keep the faith that one day it will get better and we WILL find the partners that we so deserve.

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 02:46 PM   #34
    tenagain
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    this post could have come from me ten years ago...I know exactly the type of pain you are going through. I felt this way after my first "real love" after my divorce dumped me like a sack of potatoes, out of the blue.

    The only thing that got me through it was time. It does get easier and the pain does go away. Surround yourself with things and people you like, and stay busy. Don't get into any type of relationship until this pain goes away.

    Hang in there, it will get better!

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 04:28 PM   #35
    Ninispjc
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by SophiaM
    Wow, Lisa, I couldn't have said it better myself! I completely relate to what you said. Having to be "strong" and always relying on oneself is okay for a while, but I've been in this "strong" mode ever since the break up with my fiance, and I, too, am SO TIRED of being strong. Like you said, I just want to be weak for once and have somebody take care of me. Have somebody help me drag bags of groceries home and help me buy a new standing lamp that I need for my living room and carry it home for me because it IS too heavy for a slender woman. And have somebody who will take out that damn air conditioner out of the window. Once I almost hurt myself trying to take it out because the cold air was coming into the apartment thru it. It sucks to have to do everything alone and I definitely can't afford to hire someone to help me with stuff like that. Plus, let's face it, it's also about having your own man who WANTS to take care of you and help you and who you don't have to pay because he'll be HAPPY to do it for you.

    Oh man, I guess I can't really contribute anything positive to this thread, just want to say that I understand, and that all us girls in the same situation just have to keep the faith that one day it will get better and we WILL find the partners that we so deserve.

    Yeah, I hear you too. It's hard having to do everything all on your own. But hopefully, if we stay strong, keep our noses clean, and feed the good karma, then we will live the lives the Lord wants us to live.

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 05:01 PM   #36
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    "Some where over the rainbow..........

    Last edited by realguy; 02-25-2005 at 05:06 PM.

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 05:12 PM   #37
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ~Tyger~
    I can sit in a room full of people, and feel completely alone.

    These days, I don't cry. But something else has happened to me. I've lost that spark of life, the vigour I used to have. I'm almost a zombie going about my day, my emotions are a rollarcoaster. i get tired very easily and feel almost fatigued, probably from my crazy emotions. I'm considering seeing a psychiatrist, just to get some of my feelings out.
    These are signs of depression...I have had them. I am proud of you for considering seeing someone. That is an extremely healthy approach that I hope you take. You have obviously been through a lot in your life and seeing someone could help you decipher through it and help you to recognize your own patterns. It can very enlightening.

    You will get through this. My wish for you is a blissful future full of wonderful friends and true love.

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 05:29 PM   #38
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ninispjc
    Yeah, I hear you too. It's hard having to do everything all on your own. But hopefully, if we stay strong, keep our noses clean, and feed the good karma, then we will live the lives the Lord wants us to live.
    Yes, Nini. What else do we have left Some days I just get really tired of it, and I keep wondering, if we want and need men so much, how come so many of them don't seem to need us, at least not on any meaningful basis? Seems like so many men in their 30s and 40s are just perfectly satisfied being single. I even have some male friends in this age group and they aren't really looking. The only thing they are looking for is sex. One of the guys' I know brother, who is almost 47 and divorced, finally did want to settle down with a 26-year-old woman but she changed her mind. There are days that it all looks hopeless from where I stand.

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 05:52 PM   #39
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    It is my opinion that women's liberation and the availability of sex have only hurt women. It's good that women can make progress in careers but it seems to me now women picked up on the career front but I don't see them doing less at home. It only gave women more responsibility.

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 06:07 PM   #40
    SophiaM
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by littletiger
    It is my opinion that women's liberation and the availability of sex have only hurt women. It's good that women can make progress in careers but it seems to me now women picked up on the career front but I don't see them doing less at home. It only gave women more responsibility.
    I totally agree with you! Seems like we shot ourselves in the foot with the woman's liberation. Yeah, it's great that women are able to support themselves and still have a pretty good lifestyle, so they no longer have to be stuck in abusive marriages and stuff, but on the other hand, we now can't expect anything anymore from a man. Hence so many women spending months and years with guys, having sex with them, and still not knowing where they stand and what exactly they are to the man: girlfriend, sex-partner, a candidate for a wife, or WHAT? It sure was a lot less confusing in the past. My grandmother simply would refuse to sleep with any man who did not marry her first. When some of my friends did the same, they were promptly dumped by their prospective boyfriends. I slept with some of my boyfriends but it still didn't help me get married. So, what works???

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 06:11 PM   #41
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    All women have to do the same and that's not probable. Because we girls tend to hurt one another rather than help one another especially when there is a competition.

    There's just no answer to the problem in my thinking.

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 06:23 PM   #42
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    Oh absolutely. There's very little solidarity among women in general, which is very, very sad. We should help each other instead of hurting each other. Believe it or not, a girl I'm in school with now who is married, said that she doesn't even trust her best friend because she knows that the friend is very unhappily married and looking, so who's to say she wouldn't want to 'steal' her husband one day? So, she keeps in touch with the friend, but at the same time, keeps her somewhat at bay and only meets her once in a while in a group of people, to minimize the "risk." This girl told me once, "When you're married, you shouldn't keep any close female friends, especially the ones who are single or in unfulfilling relationships, because you never know." Another girl who was listening to us agreed and said that was a smart approach. I was disgusted just listening to them! I mean, what a way to live, always being suspicious of your friends and husbands! Apparently, these women don't believe their husbands have it in them to stay faithful. One of them even said "All men are born of the same mother," meaning they all have the capacity to cheat when presented with the right opportunity. OH god, that was just SOOO depressing to listen to. I don't know if I ever want to get married if I were going to have to live like this, always looking over my shoulder and never trusting anyone. Can you imagine?

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 06:41 PM   #43
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    Well, first, just to clarify for Tyger ONLY, not to dispute anything being said, I was going along the lines of taking care of and doing for myself emotionally. I'm (and I think I should say unfortunately) a little overly independent when it comes to those other things, like carrying groceries and such. I'm so past being just 'used to it' I think I probably turn away help when it is offered.
    But I don't even mean emotion help that has to come from a bf. Right now I'd settle for having a family to recieve it from. I imagine that'd solve alot of my problems, too.

    Second, I'm soo with you Sophia. I though you were supposed to tell a guy no to get respect. But seems like you say no on a first date and you never hear from them again! But don't forget, if you say yes, you still never hear from them! Oh, why bother.

    And that's a shame about women like that- backstabbing each other. Goes back to that a good friend is hard to find. I have one honest and true friend, and is the only true one I've ever had, and didn't find that until my mid-20's. Thank god I finally found someone on my level who knows what being a friend is. I'm sure I would trust her around any of my bf's, or even husband (well, even if I couldn't, not like I'll have one of them anyway!). I must always remember to cherish her in my life.
    Guess they are out there, it's just finding them that's the hard part!

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 07:00 PM   #44
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    Lisa, you are such a sweetheart. But I don't completely understand what you said about turning down help even if it were offered to you? I mean, of course, we have to be cautious and not accept help from any strange guy we don't know, because God knows what his intentions might be. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about how nice it would be to have a guy, like a boyfriend or husband, to help you with "guy" stuff around the house, etc.

    As for the trust thing, I am generally a trusting person, unless I have a specific reason not to trust somebody. I would NOT even think of any of my friends in that kind of light, i.e. trying to 'steal' my boyfriend. My god, if I had to stoop to that level, I would be a sad individual indeed. I believe in having integrity. To tell you the truth, my cousin's husband used to hit on me. I find this man very attractive and I like his personality as well. They don't have children because she keeps putting it off and off, even though he expressed a desire to have one. So, if I REALLY wanted to look for a rationalization, I could say this man and I like each other and we are looking for the same thing, as opposed to her, but I'm just not like that. I could NEVER in a million years do this to my cousin. She's not my first cousin; only my second cousin, but it doesn't matter. It would be SO wrong. I would never go there, I trust MYSELF, if not him. In fact, I know that he would go for it. He tried, in fact. So, nowadays, I spend very little time with them, which is a shame because I like my cousin. but I just don't want to be around her husband who I find attractive and who is attracted to me. Anyway, I guess the point is, I trust my friends, and I did trust my ex fiance. If I couldn't trust my friends or my boyfriend, I would HAVE to either change friends or dump the boyfriend. There's no way around it in my opinion.

     
    Old 02-25-2005, 07:08 PM   #45
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    Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

    Sophia you are right on. I can't imagine living life like that. Fortunately I do have some really good girlfriends who have husbands. Those really good girlfriends can always read my relationships dead on. I don't know how they do it. Anyway with the last one when he didn't call for 6 hours after having said he would come pick me up. She said right off the bat you better just never return his call because I can tell you right now you are not going to be happy with this man. He just doesn't deserve you. You are so kind and giving and if he doesn't have a good reason you need to drop him now or it will be nothing but hurt for you. He is disrespectful. She was so right. Anyway it's nice to have those kind of long time friends who are always there for you and know you well enough to know what's good for you. But those kinds of friends are few and far between. Simply most women aren't like that... and I don't understand why. If we would just help one another....

     
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