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~Tyger~ 02-17-2005 07:45 AM

I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
I'm so sorry I just have to get this all out.

I've just had the most terrible night. Its 4am, I'm sitting at my computer...all I've done for the past hour is cry. And not the sobbing, uncontrollable kind, but the only thing worse - completely still, blankly staring, tears rolling down my cheeks. Like I don't even have the energy to cry properly. My chest hurts so much I can't breathe.

Earlier, I was ok. Or at least, kidding myself that I was, just like I have been for perhaps the last 2 surreal, painful months of my life. I finished work, went straight home to change, and met my friend at a bar for one of our regular nights out. Why? I don't know exactly. I've been trying to fill my life with lots of events and engagements, night and day, to fill the impossibly large void inside. Sometimes, its fun. But always because in my head I'm saying to myself 'tonights the night. I'm going to put everything behind me. I'm going to party tonight, meet new people, and wake up tomorrow a little bit happier until I'm free of pain.'

Not tonight. Its like I'm back to square one. I was dancing, and suddenly this insane need for him gripped me, and it was like a fog ascended. I left, got a cab, and cried all the way home. My brain buzzing with memories of the feel of him and the smell of him, the things he used to say to me...and how I could never possibly touch another man like that again. It truly felt like, alone in that cab, I was truly facing my fears and being honest with myself, and not hiding them under all the fake strength and certainty that I pretend to myself that I have to ease the pain.

Because the truth is, I have NO strength for this. The truth is, I DON'T hate him. The truth is, I love him. And the worst truth...the most horrible truth of them that I TRULY don't believe that I'll ever love anyone that way again, no matter how much I pretend. Every inch of my being tells me that I've lost the best thing I ever could have been offered. I'm deluding myself that I'll overcome this. My life these days is a FAKE. I come to these boards, draw strength from other women who are so much more capable, so much more sensible than me, who live thousands of kilometres away and I will never know, no matter how much I wish I did. The rest of the time, I hold my head high in front of my closest friends, everyone I know, and pretend that I don't care about him, that I love myself and my life, that I've moved on. They're probably sick to death of hearing about him, so I don't say I word. I pretend to ignore the one thing that is CONSTANTLY on my mind. Yet inside, its EATING ME ALIVE, and I feel so stupid and so, so cowardly for pretending to MYSELF of all people that I'm over this, that it wasn't my fault...that I didn't have something cherished, that a lot of people in this life will never even find. I didn't try to hold on, and I didn't do the right things. And stamping the blame on him, or saying 'it just wasn't meant to be' isn't going to make it right, or excuse the fact that I'm a complete moron. All alone.

I miss him SO MUCH it hurts. A week ago, I ended up at a friends place with a guy I've met a few times, who I'm attracted to and is a great guy...and we started kissing. But the second it got more intimate, I was gripped with that same crippling feeling of sorrow, and all I could think of was HIM. Suddenly, the guy next to me seemed almost [i]toxic[/i] and I had to get far away from him, wash my mouth out, get home to my empty bed. Even when I so resolutely stop myself from thinking about him during the day, I dream about him ALL NIGHT. EVERY NIGHT. Dreams are subconscious, and they are never anything but honest. I can't lie to myself in dreams. Thats where it all comes out. I miss him, and I'll never have him again. And to think of him with her makes me feel physically sick. Its the final twist of the dagger that I have to relive over and over again, every time I think of them or see them.

If I face my sorrow, I wallow in it forever. If I run from it, I lead this impossibly fake life. So what can I do? Where do I turn? I'll never find another like him. And noone will ever want me as intensely as he did. Why didn't I make him feel safer?

I'm so sorry. This whole post probably makes no sense. I just don't know what to do anymore.

goody2shuz 02-17-2005 07:58 AM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
Tyger....Many years ago I went through a breakup and I didn't even remember how bad it was until my best friend recently reminded me. She said I was so depressed that she couldn't stand being around me and at that time she got another joband moved out of the apartment we shared after finding another job. It wasn't until recently that she told me it was because of the months of my mourning of the relationship that she moved away. Clearly I didn't even realize I was in such a state...but you, at least you do. And it's okay.....somehow it didn't affect my life too badly (at least not as much as it did my best friend's at the time ;) ) So, take it one day at a lost a relationship that meant alot to you and you will mourn it almost as if someone had died. Give yourself some time and od try to get back into everyday life as difficult as it may be. The sooner you do the sooner this will all be behind you. Go take a warm bath and see if you can get out to a movie or somewhere so you are not alone. And know that there are people here who will help if you need to vent....Goody :angel:

bluelakelady 02-17-2005 08:08 AM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
it is not for you to bring a sense of security to another. that comes from within and is a personal responsibility. you can thru your actions, thoughts, and words extend your personal sense of security/peace outside your being. after two long term relationships i am single, celibate and at peace. i am probably a bit older than you. one relationship lasted 13 yrs, the other 16 yrs.
being a woman i felt it was my place to establish harmony. it takes two. always has.
oh how i remember my two obsessive loves. gary and chris. i made a comlete idiot of myself and stressed my life out for too long. i was young. i was afraid to be alone. now i am in my middle years, almost 50, and i am no longer afraid. my closest friend is only a mirror away. i will grow old with my female friends. make alot of girlfriends. they are the ones who will sustain you thru all of your life.

GirlHarley 02-17-2005 08:18 AM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
Tyger - I'm so sorry for your heartaching moment.
here is a much needed ((((((((( HUG )))))))))))

You do have Strength, you just had a bad night. Allow yourself to grieve your lost, it's still too soon to think you would be over your ex.
I know you want the pain to go away and it will when your ready....

Your NOT A FAKE for putting on that smile, at least you tried and you will continue to try till you no longer have to force that smile but will be smiling again because you have found peace within yourself.....

NO, you won't ever find another love like HIM, but you will find a new a exciting love again - YOU WILL :bouncing: YOU WILL :bouncing:

Honey, I know you miss him, and I know it's killing you to know, think, and see him with that other woman - it's so painful to watch the man you love and want to be with in the arms of another woman - Cry if it helps to get out the hurt and angry out, scream, get a punching bag, run on the treadmill,
eat that favorite chocalate cake, walk through the mall as if you hate everyone - get out your feelings till you become to exhuasted to think anymore, get a good night sleep - Because there is always Tomorrow, a better day, a new beginning, with so much possiblities for you to become Happy Again....Take one day at a time..... :cool:

lisa24 02-17-2005 09:14 AM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
Oh Tyger, you made complete sense. No wonder you said you knew my feelings, I don't think I quite understood how much you really do know how I feel until reading this post here.
I know exactly what you mean Ė the empty tears with no feeling to them. They just fall like your heart and mind are just standing still. And having to Ďpretendí like youíve moved on, not being able to share any of it with your friends. They think youíre just Ďokí with it all. Oh, if they only knew what was really going on in your heart. And running from other guys-Iíve met only a few people since my ex, but the more I even try to think about or be around other guys, the more I think about him, the more my heart calls out for him.
Iím with you Tyger, not only do I truly believe I canít love anyone else, I donít Want to love anyone else. I just wanted it to be him forever.
Oh, Iím sorry, nothing I say is of much use to you. I know it doesnít take that pain away, and I certainly just donít have the answer for that, but I wish I did.

But I am glad you came here to share with us. There are many wonderful, wonderful people here who have much more useful suggestions, and I hope they help you some. Please let it out here all you need to. It is my only outlet also, so I think you can trust I wonít get tired of hearing any of it. Please know you are not alone and will never be alone here. Iím so sorry I donít have the answer for you, but if you ever need someone to Ďjust understand ití Iíll be right here. I can only hope that will be of some consolation to you.

Sending only the best thoughts to you,

Ninispjc 02-17-2005 01:19 PM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
Tyger - I wish there were a formula or 12 step program you could follow, do these things and viola! the pain is magically gone! Unfortunately it just doesn't work that way. From your post it sort of sounded like it has been two months since your break up, is that right? I think you just need to give yourself some time. I know how much it hurts, believe me. If you've been following some of the posts and threads I've made, you know that I know how you feel. I wish I could offer you some really great advice, but I think the only thing I can really say that might be of any help is that it's ok to hurt. It's natural. If you're lucky, it won't always hurt so bad. And most importantly, don't wallow in your sadness so deep that you forget to count the blessings you do have. If you have friends, be thankful for them. Take this opportunity to really tend to those relationships, let your friends know how much you love them and how much they mean to you. If you have a pet, take pleasure in caring for him/her, playing with him, grooming him, etc. I learned that lesson the hard way. Depression this deep can really blind you to so many things. I don't really think Dr. Phil has much of anything really worthwhile to say 99% of the time, but one thing he says that I do think makes sense is that 1) time alone does not heal anything. It's what you do with that time that heals the wounds and 2) grief doesn't have a time table, but life does. Every day you spend grieving over the loss of this guy is one less day of your wonderful, sweet life you didn't get to live to its fullest. Take advantage of being young, of having friends, of having your health. Rejoice in what you do have. And if a blue moment hits you, it's alright, you don't have to feel fake just because you were laughing. It comes in waves, sort of like nausea. One minute you feel fine, then wham! it hits you from behind all of a sudden, and then tears spill out again, and you think "why the heck was I laughing? What have I got to laugh about?" But just be aware that the waves will hit you, and you just have to ride with them. That doesn't make the happy moments any less genuine. You can ride those waves, too. And with God's help, those moments will get longer and longer, and the waves of sadness will get shorter and shorter.

Don't look at this period as "working" toward getting over him. I really think this has to be a natural progression. Look at it as taking time to get back to the business of you. I suggest taking up knitting or crocheting. It releases stress, occupies the mind and you'll have the satisfaction of creating something beautiful when you're done. Take a walk in the sunshine, hold your face up to the sun, notice and appreciate the beautiful flowers and hills, and the little brook you might see, and take just one moment to be glad you're there to appreciate these things. Baby steps. You won't feel ok again overnight, don't make that kind of demand on yourself. Be ok with being wounded for now, and embrace the knowledge that it won't always feel so bad. And of course, come here and vent whenever you want to. Bless you.

genster 02-17-2005 01:39 PM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
tremeber you are grieving - and you had him in your life for a lot longer than two measly months. Give yourself a year to get over it - if you are doing better beofre that time has passed, then good. If not, then you can start thinking that you need to start working on it. Until then, just let it ride. Of course you are going to feel like crap some days - you just went through a really rotten experience. You wouldn't be human if you felt terrific about it. Just remember, someday you will etither run into him, or hear something through the grapevine, and you will feel relief that he isn't your problem. My revalatory moment came after my father's funeral (about a year after the breakup), when I was with my sister at the airport seeing my brother and his family off. The ex was tehre, seeing his cousin off. I wasn't going to speak to him, as I was still hurting and angry with him, plus my father had just died, with no acknowledgement from him or his family. So, my sister decides to go over and speakt o him ( stupid sister). He came over and told me he was sorry I had to go through Dad's death alone. I have six siblings, four in-laws, my mother, nephews,nieces, grand-nephews, grand niece, neighbours, friends, & co-workers, but because he wasn't there, I was alone in his eyes. When I looked at him, all I could think was "thank god you weren't there, I couldn't have done all I ahad to do and have looked after you too. You would have gotten in the way" - at that moment, I knew I would be ok... :D It has been eight years since we broke up, and I still talk to him occasionally. I still miss some things about the relationship, some things about him, but I am better. I am also still single, which sometimes gets me down; I am a lot more cautious about giving my trust and my heart, but I am ok. He still calls me, so I guess that shows something, although I don't know what.
Remember, time wounds all heels.

SophiaM 02-17-2005 03:30 PM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
[QUOTE=genster]Remember, time wounds all heels.[/QUOTE]

Ha, ha :D You are too funny, Genster.

Tyger, your post is really moving. I understand how you feel and I wish I had some advice for you that would make the pain go away quicker. They say untreated flu usually goes away within 7 to 10 days (pardon the flu metaphore, but I'm currently its victim so that's what's on my mind), but there's no real time frame for the healing of a broken heart. Nini is right that it comes and goes in waves, and that you will have both happy and sad moments for a while to come. Give yourself persmission to feel sad and emotional when the feeling overwhelms you but know that it will pass and that, eventually, you will feel better. So, whenever you're really down and missing your guy, remember that this is temporary and that you will feel different in a couple of hours or the next day, or the next week. Also, don't blame yourself, as tempting as it is. He chose not to be with you and there's really nothing you could have done to prevent it. We can't control other people or what they want out of life. You're certainly NOT a "moron"! You're just human and I'm sure you were a wonderful girlfriend to him. Why did he leave then?, you might ask. The truth is you don't know. You can spend hours trying to analyze every little thing you said or did, but you just don't know. Sometimes there's no good answer/reason. There's nothing you can do to fix the situation but have faith that, one way or another, things will work out the way they're supposed to in the end. Like you said, it's out of your hands. Leave it to God now to take care of the big picture, and you just try to concentrate on things that ARE in your control. BIG HUG to you :angel:

lisa24 02-17-2005 03:40 PM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
Tyger, you're soooo much stronger than you even realize.
The ones who are truely weak, are the one's who don't even know it.

GirlHarley 02-17-2005 03:50 PM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
[QUOTE=lisa24]Tyger, you're soooo much stronger than you even realize.
The ones who are truely weak, are the one's who don't even know it.[/QUOTE]

Hey, that is a good point LISA - :)
When I was having issues with my boyfriend (with his drinking) and I was so messed up on the couch for two months, I still had a plan of what needed to be done, I discussed them with a couple of girlfriends and they told me
How Strong I was - I was dumbfound, ME strong - If I was so freakin strong why was I staying in a relationship with a Drunk? They told me I had a plan and had my life figured out if I did decide to leave him.
LOL - because I had an outlet of sorts - Money in the Bank, A great place to go live - (besides my own home) great family and friends who supported my decision and did not judge me or my boyfriend. Because I was so distracted by my own grief I didn't know my own strength of pulling me out of my misery or Love Coma as I now call it....

realguy 02-17-2005 03:55 PM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
When these intense feelings come over you, remember, he didn"t feel the same about you. You deserve better and one day will love someone again.
You say "you will never love another man like him". Why would you want to? He was more infactuated with you than deeply in love with you. Take some time off the dating scene, then find a man who can treat you like you need to be.

emma_j_21 02-17-2005 04:16 PM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
hey tyger emma here,
Girl do i know how your feeling. I'm still with my boyfriend but to be honest i might as well not be because of the way he treats me. he won't even touch me. And last night told me he doesn't really care anymore so it feels like i'm lossing my bf slowly and painfully.
I'm also doing that whole empty crying thing but its even worse when i'm over one side of the room and he's over the other and i'm just looking at him thinking i can't loose you.
I am dreading the day when he does actually dump me becasue my whole life is gonna fall apart so i really know how you feel. hang in the

Unicorn430 02-17-2005 11:42 PM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.

~Tyger~ 02-18-2005 02:48 AM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
Oh Unicorn, I wish I knew you too. I wish I knew all of you. Nini, Sophia and Storm with their worldly wisdom and their heartfelt kindness...Lisa24, GirlHarley and Emma_j who all have to go through this terrible, life-wrecking pain that I'm sharing, their lives ripped out from under them. And all the rest of you who've written and shared you're experiences and advice... You are the kind of people I need around me, hugging me and helping me, but the second I turn away from the computer screen I feel so entirely ALONE, so isolated and so..weak. In real life, I don't have this kind of support. Anywhere.

Its a vicious cycle, missing him, hating him, getting angry at myself, over-analysing, pretending I'm ok and then reverting back to square one. I love him, and denying that won't make it go away. I've loved and lost, and now half of me is gone forever.

You are all such wonderful people. If I possessed half the qualities that some of you do, I'd be in a much better place. :( Perhaps I wouldn't be in this position at all.

littletiger 02-18-2005 03:49 AM

Re: I can't do this. I don't have the strength.
Just remember you are not alone. We are all with you. When you feel alone then get on the computer and say hello to us. We will wrap our cyber arms around you and comfort you. Many of us know the sadness and pain you feel. It does get better with time. Suggestions by others to do things for yourself in earlier posts were good.

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