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    Old 02-17-2005, 06:44 PM   #1
    kind heart
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    commitment phobic

    what are the signs of a commitment-phobic man.... How can you tell if you are seeing a commitment phobic man.....

     
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    Old 02-17-2005, 06:58 PM   #2
    littletiger
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    Re: commitment phobic

    Where do I begin? There are so many.


    A person who lies. A person who can't keep a date. A person who is selfish. A person who treats you poorly. A person who can't talk about a future together. etc.

     
    Old 02-17-2005, 07:09 PM   #3
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    Re: commitment phobic

    Find out what his relationship is with his mother and father. Are they together? Are they divorced? What are his excuses for break ups for previous relationships? Does he talk about the future with you? What does he want in life? See if he talks about you in it.

     
    Old 02-17-2005, 07:21 PM   #4
    kind heart
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    Re: commitment phobic

    Details of problems- Great guy met his parents. both still together after 40yrs of marriage. Lost his job of 12yrs a few months back . Seemed unaffected. started looking for another job. Difficultly finding new job with same pay and status. We had a strong and harmonious relationship. Few disagreements. spent everyday together. 2yr relationship. Affectionate... but had trouble saying "I love you" One day just walked out of my life with no warning... Said he had battles he needed to face alone. left and never came back... Can someone help me understand why? Will I ever know... Is this truely over

     
    Old 02-17-2005, 07:28 PM   #5
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    Re: commitment phobic

    I don't think that makes him phobic, sounds like he has some things to clear up. Maybe while he was at his job for that long he never did what he really wanted. Sounds like he's had a very routine life and wants some variety and change. Seems like he wanted to be spontaneous. That's just from what I am getting from what you are saying.

     
    Old 02-17-2005, 07:45 PM   #6
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    Re: commitment phobic

    not phobic just wants to be a man who is defined by his job. And since he lost his job he probably has issues. And he doesn't want to hold you up and he feels unworthy. Give him time and space.

     
    Old 02-17-2005, 09:34 PM   #7
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    Re: commitment phobic

    Kindheart, Hello. We can't know for sure whether it's over forever between you and your boyfriend, but you have to assume it is. I am going through something very similar, and while it's tempting to start thinking, What If someday he came back... You have to gently stop yourself from thinking that, and tell yourself everyday that you deserve real love and need to move on and do what's best for you. I was completely devastated when my boyfriend left, but now about 2 months later am at the point I wouldn't take him back if he begged, because I know I deserve better than the way he treated me. I was practically in a state of shock for weeks and cried many times a day, but slowly I am thinking maybe he did me a favor. Spend as much time as you can with people you like who care about you (family, coworkers, friends) and if you don't have a pet cat or dog, consider adopting one from a shelter. (Hugs to you.) I know what you're going through and am still going through the emotions myself. Feel free to post a message for me here.

     
    Old 02-18-2005, 06:19 PM   #8
    MarifromPR
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    Re: commitment phobic

    this is me ladiva..

    This is signs of commitment phobics. Ask why he has broken up with previous relationships. That's like crucial. If he tell he have had breakups with girls that are nice probability is he is commitment phobic (otherwise why he would breakup with a nice girlfriend). Also ask how much time you need to realize the girl you are dating is the one. If he says years that's another sign too. This is a good topic.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 07:11 AM   #9
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    Re: commitment phobic

    Oh God, do I feel for your situation. I dated a man for 2 1/2 years that I now realize was a commitment-phobic. He walked out of my life with no warning, no signs and never looked back 4 months ago (also because he had "issues"). I think the signs of a commitment-phobic man differ for each person. Mine could say he loved me, could talk of the future (sometimes)...but he just seemed really anxious when he did talk about it. Often responding "we'll figure it out " and "I don't knows". My best advice for you is to get the book "How to spot a commitment-phobic man before he breaks your heart". It has a list of several different signs. Stories of commitment phobics and advice for you on how to deal if he really is a commitment phobic. I'd mail it to you if we could give that info out here, but I got the book online for less than 5 bucks. Very informative and I promise it will answer alot of the questions you have.

    I know how awful it feels to be going through what you're going through. You're left guessing. Thinking something is really wrong with them. You question yourself and what you could have said/done differently. You replay every conversation you two had over and over in your head trying to find signs. Hang in there, you're not alone.

    The bottom line is you know you deserve a guy who doesn't play these games. A guy that can tell you he loves you openly. He obviously isn't giving you what you want and need...that means it is time for you to re-evaluate if YOU want to be with him rather than trying to figure him out. Could be he has issues, could be alot of things, but does it really matter if he has issues if he isn't providing you with what you want and making you happy? Think about it.

    Last edited by elatedgiraffe; 02-19-2005 at 07:12 AM.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 12:07 PM   #10
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    Re: commitment phobic

    THanks so much that was very helpful. It's hard to completely move on because there is no closure. My friends and these posts are helping through it. Thanks

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 01:19 PM   #11
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    Re: commitment phobic

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kind heart
    THanks so much that was very helpful. It's hard to completely move on because there is no closure. My friends and these posts are helping through it. Thanks
    Oh, I know how hard it is to move on without any closure. That makes it so difficult when they just take off without any respect to your feelings of at least telling you why they are leaving. I still after 4 months don't have a clue as to what happened except that obviously it just wasn't meant to be. Thats all I have is that it was so odd that there must be some reason it ended or "faded away" like it did. It is so not cool to not even really break up with the person and just avoid them. That was what was the hardest to get over...having no idea, none, of what happened. It gets to a point though that you don't even care why. You realize that he did leave and thats what matters. That you deserve more and definatley deserve a guy who is going to be honest and straight forward with you. A guy that sticks with you through the good and the bad. If your man can't give you all that then it is better off being single.

    Hang in there..

     
    Old 02-21-2005, 08:03 PM   #12
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    Re: commitment phobic

    Simply when he wont commit to you.

    Believe me...you will know.

     
    Old 02-22-2005, 10:48 AM   #13
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    Re: commitment phobic

    I think it's important to keep in mind the distinction between a person who is "afraid" of commitment and a person who simply does not WANT a commitment!

    Some of these comments, though based in reality and having validity all their own, seem to border on playing the BLAME GAME.

    Sometimes, there certainly ARE folks who will lie, fake and bluff their way through a relationship to retain sex or companionship with no real intention of anything more than that ever developing, even when they know the other person desires a deeper bond. In these cases, it is easy to see why some folks harbor resentment or feel jaded after the fact.

    But not everyone is out to deceive their partners. Sometimes folks get involved in something that seems like a lot of fun and they believe no personal feelings are getting involved -- or at least not enough to warrant a long-term commitment. These people aren't INTENTIONALLY trying to hurt someone else -- they just aren't looking for the same type of relationship.

    It stinks when two people meet and do not share the same perspective, but it happens often.

    So... be cautious, get out of a situation if it doesn't suit your needs, but be careful not to blame and take it personally ALL the time. Sometimes... yeah, it can be personal. Just make sure you KNOW it is before you react.

     
    Old 02-22-2005, 11:42 AM   #14
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    Re: commitment phobic

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ScruffyGuy
    I think it's important to keep in mind the distinction between a person who is "afraid" of commitment and a person who simply does not WANT a commitment!
    Very good point. Is there really such a thing as a 'commitment phobic'. I don't think anyone is 'afraid to commit' once they find the one they really want to be with.

     
    Old 02-22-2005, 11:55 AM   #15
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    Re: commitment phobic

    Oh Lisa, yes, there is such a thing as people who are afraid of commitment to the point of phobia. My first boyfriend is now 44 and still single. He still calls me sometimes and tells me he loves me and that he knows I'm the one for him, but he admitted he has a huge problem with making a commitment. This man has been buying a house for the past 12 years!!! He can't make ANY permanent decisions, not just about marriage.

     
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