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    Old 03-01-2005, 09:31 AM   #31
    kierstyn_04
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    Ok I am going to take a different route here than everyone else. I say keep seeing this girl, cut out hte sex part for now. Go to lunch "be friends" and see how you feel about that. Make sure its not a sex thing. It sounds ot me like you got married too young and didnt experience dating and going out etc. and now you want to. I wouldnt come clean with the wife, that woudl hurt in addition to being left. I think Id rahter be left, than to be left for ANOTHER WOMAN. Ive been where you are and I know the rush you get from being with and from wanting to see this other person, its exciting its fun, its all the things you dont have at home. As for fixing things with the wife . . . I dont think that is possible, I dont even think I would try. You feel how you feel thats that. As for the kids, its better to have mom and dad seperate and getting along and being civil, then to know dad cheats and mom hates him for it. Women have this thing, once we know youahve cheated the "thought of what you did" never goes away, we'll think about it more than you think and she will constantly bring it up for a long long time. So you have some very searious thinking to do. Me, if I were you, Id leave my wife because the feelings you ahev no are somethign you shoudlnt deny yourself. Some people feel like that their whole marrage, some dont, those people diodnt marry the right one. But thats just my opinion.
    My mom adn dad seperated over this when I was 14, I am fine, ell adjusted, have no issues with a cheating man etc. the kids will be ok.

     
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    Old 03-01-2005, 10:50 AM   #32
    dma11663
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    Being in a bad or unhappy relationship is awful, I think we have all been there. Whether you have fallen out of love with another person or are in an abusive relationship is not a good place to be. From my own experience, living my life in LIMBO was even worse. My EX husband cheated on me too. He said a lot of the things to me that cheaters tell their spouses. Same old stuff like "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "I love you more like a sister". Their strange behavior gives it away too, so don't assume you wife doesn't know something is going on because she probably can tell, trust me on this. I knew my husband from High School. I thought he was my best friend and I trusted him completely. Now it is 11 years after my divorce and I realize looking back that a lot of little things that were happening over the 8 years I was married were warning signs that I didn't see or was too stupid to pick up on. He wasn't as honest as he appeared to be. We didn't have any children so his leaving wasn't as big a deal as it may be for you but I will tell you about his life. He cheated on me 2 times (as far as I know) and he remained with the second girl/woman for about 5 years........until he was thrown out. Probably because he wouldn't marry her or maybe he cheated on her too! He got so heavy/fat that it caused major health problems. Diabetes, and heart problems. At the age of 40 he had heart surgery and now has a defribulator in his chest for the rest of his life (however long that might be). He is very sick. He is alone now, and doesn't have anyone to help him. He is trying to live a normal life but he is ill and doesn't have a partner to help him or care for him. That is awful. and I don't see how his life is any better. When I do see him we are very civil to each other and I actually feel bad for him. Only once after his heart surgery did I actually see him look at me with regret.........that was my satisfaction but I felt so sorry that he was sick and I never wished him harm. He lost his home, his wife, and is alone now all because he cheated. Can you imagine.

    I agree with some of the posts here...........those butterflies go away and those knees that once shoock no longer do but the level of love and respect should be better and higher than ever. If you are cheating then you aren't respecting your wife or your family.

    I will leave you with this.................

    You know what you have now but 11 years you from now you may have nothing. Your children may hate you too but that is your problem, not your wife's problem. I think you should let your wife go and let her try to be with someone who is going to appreciate her the way you should have appreciated her but didn't and still don't. You know, cheating is bad, it says something loud and clear about a persons character it shows that it is flawed. If you did it in the past and you are doing it now, you will do it again, trust me. You will do it to your next girlfriend/wife too. It is in you. You get what you put out there.

    If you have 1 ounce of respect for your wife, let her make a better life and learn what love is supposed to be like. What respect and a happy life is supposed to be like. Let her go.

    What she doesn't know can't hurt her either, so don't tell her anything that she doesn't need to know. Spare her anymore hurt.

    Build up your character from this point on and try to be a better person.

    Last edited by dma11663; 03-01-2005 at 10:57 AM.

     
    Old 03-01-2005, 12:45 PM   #33
    Viclyn
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    Unhappy Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    I know how you feel. I too am married to a wonderful man who would do anything for me and I know never cheat on me and I am falling in love with another man. I have been married before and he was the love of my life for 15 years. He left me and when I met my husband I'm married to now, I knew I didn't love him like my first but I just figured it would be a different kind of love the 2nd time. To make a long story short, I met a man at work who makes me feel every bit as good as my first husband, and never thought that would ever be possible. So now I feel terrible knowing I feel this way and liking it but I don't want to hurt my husband either. (We've been married for almost 14 years.) I'm 50 yrs. old and knowing how I can feel with this other man makes me sad because I've never felt that with my husband. I'm sorry for rambling on and on but I know how falling in love with someone else can happen when your married. I just wish I had some answers for both of us.

     
    Old 03-04-2005, 02:14 PM   #34
    Corkygirl
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kierstyn_04
    My mom adn dad seperated over this when I was 14, I am fine, ell adjusted, have no issues with a cheating man etc. the kids will be ok.
    I am going to have to agree to disagree with this. My parents divorced when I was 7 and I found out that my father cheated on my mother several times. I have no patients for liars or cheats. If you think it is ok to lie to the person who gave birth to your children and treat them so poorly your children will remember that. How would you feel if a man was doing to your daughter (if you have one) what you are doing to your wife? Think about that.

    If you no longer have feelings for her than you have no right pretending that you do. It is selfish and mean.

     
    Old 03-05-2005, 03:07 AM   #35
    rich200
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    Ok I've spent a little time away from this forum as it seemed that most of the replies were digs at me. In that time I have distanced myself from the other woman but we still talk as we have no choice when were working together. She understands that I need to get my head around things and work out what I'm going to do.
    Last week I went out for a drink with a family friend and told him about what has been going on. My friend then told me not to feel so guilty as my wife told him last year that she had been having an affair with somebody, in fact the time she was doing it was about 2 months before I met the other woman. Anyway I think her affair is now other and my wife is really trying hard to stop me leaving (using threats etc) she doesn't know that I know about the affair and I am not going to mention it as my friend would get into trouble for telling me.
    I know this marriage has to end but I don't know how it's going to happen. Any advice please? and no digs this time please

     
    Old 03-05-2005, 06:18 AM   #36
    Ruth6:11
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    I hope my answers weren't seen as digs by you. Unfortunately when my viewpoint or the majority of others here says that what you are doing is wrong it probably doesn't feel real good.
    Whether your wife had an affair or not is something that you need to discuss with her.
    It still doesn't make what you are doing any less wrong.
    It's those darned vows, ya know?
    The Ruth rule says:
    Get out of the marriage before you mess around.
    (I would have told your wife the same thing if she had written in here)

     
    Old 03-05-2005, 07:11 AM   #37
    rich200
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    Yeah I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm not proud of what I've done. I suppose I should have really wrote a bit more about my relationship with my wife and then maybe a few of you might understand my situation a bit more. Hopefully I can get these problems sorted out with as little heartache as possible but somehow I don't think that will be the case.

     
    Old 03-05-2005, 09:42 AM   #38
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    Yeah, as far as your wife having an affair as well, Im sure you already know that two wrongs do not make a right. Someone has to take the higher road here. No, that is not a dig. Just good, practical reasoning. Keep doing the right thing. You will feel better about everything in the end.

     
    Old 03-08-2005, 10:51 AM   #39
    tenagain
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    you need to finish what you've started so to speak.

    It's always a good idea to end a relationship before starting a new one. Look at how many tragic endings we hear about in the news. Murders/suicides all because a spouse was cheating. Having an affair is a completlely selfish act. Justifying it because you're marriage is crap is just weak. Even if you end this relationship it won't be long before someone else comes along, once a cheater always a cheater especially if they are getting away with it.

    Can you tell I've been cheated on? It sucks big time, and it's the cruelest thing you can do to the mother of your children. Believe me your kids will never totally respect you if they ever find out.

    Get your divorce, your wife deserves better!

    Last edited by tenagain; 03-08-2005 at 10:55 AM.

     
    Old 03-08-2005, 12:12 PM   #40
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    Unhappy Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    Wow! Well I've read the posts. I'm just so disturbed by men and women that think it is "ok" to cheat. Having read your posts, you feel bad, or guilty some of the time but the other part of the time, you feel ok about it.

    I'm sorry cause I know you said you didn't want anyone taking digs at you, but you come into a forum like this, and you are asking for opinions. Here is mine:

    Since I have been cheated on before, and know of someone very close to me who was cheated on...whether you feel it is right or wrong or ok or not ok....as far as I'm concerned, once a cheater, always a cheater. Same goes for the girl you are seeing or were seeing. Same goes for your wife who had an affair. People don't just "stop" these behaviors. They get some sort of fullfilment out of them. sick, but true....

    My advice to you...get yourself some help...for the sake of your children. Do you want them to grow up all F-d up in relationships cause of their lovely examples of their mother and father? I say seek counseling, therapy....and try to better yourself before moving on to another relationship.

    I'm curious to know, WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED TO YOUR WIFE?

     
    Old 03-08-2005, 02:20 PM   #41
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    You said on your first page that you are stuck. You are so right.YOU MARRIED HER. You have a wife and children. They do not deserve this. Your wife and children should come first. No matter who comes along. They love you, they know you, they trust you. They are your life.

    Also I just wanted to add when I was 23 I dated a man who was 30(single though). I fell in love with him quickly because he was very romantic and had that maturity to him that most men my age didn't have. We dated for 8 months and it was great until one day I looked at him differently. He reminded me of my dad! He reminded me of an old man! Things just were not the same after that. I broke up with him but never told him the real reason why. I think I told him I wanted someone to grow with, someone at my own level. Anyway I will stop before I get upset.

    P.S. does this girl know you are married?
    __________________
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    Old 03-08-2005, 06:40 PM   #42
    Sugar64
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    I've just read up on this post because it was one that I was following, and I'm surprised at the developments. Now you've found out that your wife actually cheated on you before you cheated on her?? That shouldn't make you feel any better, but in the way people rationalize certain behaviors it might. Being married to one person and falling in love with someone else may feel wondeful and exciting and new at first, I'm sure, but it just ends up being WRONG. I don't think I've ever heard of a situation like this that turned out well. Not unless you decide what you want by ending this affair, confronting your wife and either ending the marriage or salvaging it, and then deciding what you want to do as far as the other relationship. Sorry to sound critical, but it's just what I think.

     
    Old 03-14-2005, 11:19 AM   #43
    dma11663
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else



    It doesn't make a difference at this point if you wife cheated on you before you cheated on her or after you cheated on her. The point here is that you wrote to this forum and stated that you were in love with somebody else and that you want to leave and now you say your wife wants to make it work. So you are still the one pressing to get out. If you are talking to this other girl (sorry, but that is what she is) then your intentions are with her and not your wife and family. If you truly wanted to be with your wife and be with your kids, you would do what you had to do, even if that meant you finding another job or moving with your wife and kids to start over. From what you say, really seem to want to get out, which is ok, as long as you are being honest. If you really want out then you should get out. It will never be a good time, so the sooner may be the better. Let the healing process begin for everyone concerned.

    Just remember, what goes around comes around. This young girl will probably do it to you later on down the road when she tires of you. It is true, people rationalize that it is okay to cheat (when it is not, it is a defect) if the other person is cheating on them and it is done first then it seems ok and that is just not so. Once a cheat always a cheat, really, that is how it is. She is cheating too, remember that, she is cheating on her boyfriend, you on your wife. Have you ever thought about it? Don't you think she will do the same to you? She probably will.

    If you do leave, then you need time on your own, if you want out of your marriage be alone, and what I mean is all alone for sometime and try to figure things out.

    Remember, you have children and they always find out the truth.

    Good Luck.

    Last edited by dma11663; 03-14-2005 at 11:29 AM.

     
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