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    Old 02-19-2005, 01:56 AM   #1
    rich200
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    Married but falling in love with somebody else

    I need some help, I am falling in love with another woman. I've been with my wife for most of my adult life (we met when we were both 15) and we have 2 children who are now in their early teens.
    To be honest I'm not sure if the love that I have for my wife is true love, I've always felt this way but I have stayed with her for the childrens sake. We did split up for a couple of years just after the 2nd was born and those years turned out to be a very happy time for me. Throughout that time my wife and myself got on better than we ever did when we were together and we became the best of friends. We ended up getting back together when I started seeing somebody else and my wife then decided that she didn't want to lose me. Looking back now I think it was a mistake for me to get back with her as a few months before she had started a relationship with somebody but it didn't work out for them. To this day I think her reasons for wanting me back were not love but being scared of being alone.
    Anyway I've now met this other woman, I didn't go out looking for somebody, it just happened one night. The feelings I am having for this woman is like nothing I've experianced before in my life, I really do think I've found my soul mate and I am falling in love with her. We spoke last week about our feelings and she has said she is feeling exactly the same.
    Now this is the bit were I know people are going to say a few things about it. I am 34 and this woman is 23 and very attractive. I assure you that I am not just falling for a pretty face. We spent the afternoon together a couple of days back and ended up having sex, it took 3 months for this to happen as it wasn't a high priority to me as it's her company I want the most but now we have done this I want her even more. I have cheated on my wife before and felt very guilty after I did but this time I just felt happy and I don't regret it at all.
    I don't want to hurt my wife or children which I know I will if I leave but I don't really know what I should do as I am feeling very depressed when I am at home.

    HELP!!!!!!!!!!

     
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    Old 02-19-2005, 02:00 AM   #2
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    You will hurt your family more if they end up finding about your affairs...Thats just my opinion
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    Old 02-19-2005, 02:14 AM   #3
    rich200
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    I know but I also know that If I leave my wife she won't cope at all well with it. I am really stuck here

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 02:44 AM   #4
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    I am no expert Rich, but I am around your "girlfriends" age group. Before my boyfriend, I used to date alot. Many of the men were older, late 20's early 30's. Granted, I didnt sleep with them, but I loved the attention and the fact that they would spoil me. In the long, run I knew that I didnt want anything serious. Do you think that could be the situation with her?

    As far as your wife goes, maybe you should try marriage counseling. I know you said that you were never sure if your love with your wife was "true love", but you have invested alot of time and work into your marriage I am sure. Maybe the counseling will do miracles, who knows. You said you were depressed when you are home. Maybe there are activities that you can do with your wife or as a family to make it fun.
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    Old 02-19-2005, 03:16 AM   #5
    rich200
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    I don't think this is the case with this woman. She seems to be very interested with me and has told me she's falling in love with me and wants to be with me. I know what you're getting at but I don't think this is the case with her. I've met women like that before and she isn't the same. But maybe I am being blinded with my feelings for her, I just know I've never felt like this about anybody (including when I met my wife).
    As for my wife, we have done the counselling thing before, we've tried just about everything that we can, the only time our relationship seems to work well is when we have a lot of money, even then we tend to do our own thing.
    I also forgot to mention that this woman I am seeing works at the same place as me and she is also in a long term relationship (6 years) but her boyfriend treats her very bad, he's been known to hit her.

    Last edited by rich200; 02-19-2005 at 03:18 AM.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 05:08 AM   #6
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    So you're both cheating. She on a long-term relationship and you on your wife.
    And you're both seeing people that you may not trust down the road if they can do to their SO's what you're doing to both of yours.

    It sounds like you're defending your affair rather than hearing the comments.
    If you've already made up your mind and just want to feel better this place probably isn't going to give you that.
    And, by the way, unless the two of you used some excellent protection have you considered that you may bring an STD home to your wife?

    My normal advice is that you have to stay away from the girl UNTIL you decide what you are going to do about your marriage.
    I'm sure there's a reason that won't work for you.
    Good Luck

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 05:23 AM   #7
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    I didn't come here to try and feel better for what I've done, believe me I know I am a bad person for doing it but I can't help what my feelings are. A lot of stuff has happend between me and my wife over the years I could go on all day listing things. I know I should stay away from this woman whilst I have a good think on what I should do but this is just not possible as we work in the same place and I'll see her all the time.
    I would also like to point out that when I said I've cheated before that was a long time ago and up to now I've been faithful for years.
    I know I'm not going to get an answer that will make everything better, I was hoping to here from somebody who has gone through the same thing.

    Last edited by rich200; 02-19-2005 at 05:23 AM.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 05:58 AM   #8
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    And yes I did take precautions.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 06:27 AM   #9
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    Are you crazy? You have a wife. Did you not say you married her for better for worse in sickness and in health? What do you plan to say to your maker when you die? Add to that you work together? Do you realize you could loose your job over this? Just because she is in a bad relationship does not mean that it's your place to step in. If anything it sounds like she needs to dump you both. Afterall once a cheater always a cheater. What makes you think she will ever trust you? If you cheated to be with her then you will cheat on her later. Situations like this are just too many. Work on making your marriage right.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 07:20 AM   #10
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    Starting a relationship with a co-worker is not a good idea. As someone else mentioned it might cost you your job. I think you guys are drawn together becuase you are both in unhappy places and are finding comfort in eachother. You want the attention and affection that you are missing out on @ home. If you think this younger woman is worth risking everything, then maybe you and the wife need to separate. I know you said she wont cope well, but she wouldnt cope well to know that you are cheating on her and have been. Even with the probs that u have and all, you made a commitment to your wife. If you are cheating now, have cheated before, and doesnt seem like you are willing to stop, why be married? You really also gotta think about the kids Rich. I am the product of divorced parents. I am also the product of a dad who still to this day is a cheater. He and my mom have been divorced for a long time, he never stopped cheating. It kinda created trust issues for me with men..So please just think again about what you are doing.
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    Old 02-19-2005, 07:32 AM   #11
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    baby blue don't let your past get in the way of your future. Experience and instinct will telll you when a man is cheating and lying. I have dated many men--and I know which ones would never lie and cheat. Living in happiness is what it is about. Take care of yourself.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 07:42 AM   #12
    rich200
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    Thanks babyblue that was a very sensible reply you gave me and it has given me a lot to think about. You could be right about the happyness thing, as I haven't had these sort of feelings before it really has messed my head up.
    I'm thinking of saying to the other woman that we need to stop this whilst we sort out our own relationship problems, then if we still want each other later and we're both single then we can go for it. The only thing that bothers me is saying that to her at this moment in time. I don't want her to think that now I've had her in bed I don't need to carry this on.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 09:30 AM   #13
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    If you end your marriage, I suggest you do it for reasons other than desiring the freedom to pursue a relationship with another woman. You are about to make some pretty heavy decisions and I think you need to be focused on the ending relationship and mainly the kids, before you deal with another woman. I just think that when a person is in the midst of changing their life, and the lives of their entire family, they should just deal with the issue at hand. I know you want to be happy, and maybe your marriage isnt going to work. I wouldnt make that decision without attending counseling and at least trying.

    Ok, let me put it this way. Maybe having this other woman around is a great crutch for you. You wont have to deal with being alone after your divorce. You wont have to spend time thinking about why you made the choices that you did and you wont have to deal with the defeat most of us feel after a failed relationship. Unfortunately, I think in order to learn and grow, you SHOULD have that time alone to deal with what went wrong. I also think you should have that time to focus on your kids, and your kids only. They are going to need you after all this. I know how much it hurts to fail at a relationship. I also know that you need to spend some time finding out why things got this way, and why you made some of the choices you did--it will help you to grow as a person and be a better future spouse, and a better dad.

    Though I think you may be on your way to a divorce, I think you need to do this without the motivation being to get with another woman. Im not judging you for this (at least im trying not to --im a wife! lol I just think that you may be distracting yourself, and you need to take some time to deal with your situation,and be there for those children. Good luck to you.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 11:36 AM   #14
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    You've gotten some good advice about your situation, which, btw, is very common.

    Drop the 'gosh, I didn't mean for this to happen, I dont' want to hurt anyone, but I want to be happy' routine.

    Your a married man with kids, you chose this life, no one put a gun to your head. If you were happier being single, then why did you get back together with your wife? For the kid's sake or your wife's benefit doesn't cut it, because if you were true to those reasons, you would have re-committed to your family and you wouldn't be in this situation!

    Okay, I'm done scolding.

    You've got a mess on your hands. OF COURSE this girl feels like your 'soul mate' --your having an affair! Your operating completely on emotion.

    I know many have claimed their affair made them realize how miserable they were in there marriage...sure, INITIALLY...ask them a few years later (if even that long), they're usually no longer w/that lover or 'soul mate'

    Unless you were planning on a divorce before this affair, then, your marriage couldn't have been that bad. Perhaps a bit routine, ho-hum...but you were okay with that, right? Apparently so, since you were still there. Now this girl is on the scene, your home life is unbearable, because you want to be w/her..and your not sure you ever really loved your wife..and so on.

    You've got alot at stake, you have to get a handle on your emotions before you do anything drastic. Which means you have to end this affair. I don't know if you can do that or not.
    Sooner or later, you've got to step up and make a decision. You've got responsibilities; either as family man OR a divorced father.

    I think your wife could cope a lot better w/being divorced, then staying w/a cheating husband....at least let her decide. Why not ASK her?
    Just my thoughts..

    Last edited by Kay33; 02-19-2005 at 11:52 AM.

     
    Old 02-19-2005, 12:06 PM   #15
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    Re: Married but falling in love with somebody else

    I agree you need to stop having the affair. Either go to marriage counselling with your wife and commit to trying to work things out and stay true to your vows (What did you think "For better or worse" meant?), or wait until you are divorced before continuing to date your new girlfriend. I also agree that your new girlfriend is going to be hard-pressed to trust you, ultimately, because she knows you were willing to cheat on your spouse. It's time to call a marriage counselor, make an appointment, and have a talk with your wife. Hopefully she will go with you to the appointment. No more cheating and lying and hiding.

     
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