It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 03-09-2005, 05:12 PM   #1
    dvkd
    Newbie
     
    dvkd's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Sep 2003
    Location: Palo Alto, CA
    Posts: 5
    dvkd HB User
    Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    I am a man in a relationship with a woman. I am considering marrying her and need some advice especially from those who have been married. I have strong feelings for this woman. I am quite a particular person. I am not sentimental and by nature I am rational.

    From a personality perspective she is extraordinary-as close as possible to what I have always wanted. I am quite certain that our feelings are mutual in this respect. We match each other not just as friends but also as a man and a woman. She melts my heart by the way she sometimes responds to me. Physically, the chemistry is not as strong, in particular for me. It is not that she is an unattractive woman, in fact she is, but she has somewhat heavy legs. The problem is that as superficial as this sounds, of all physical attributes for me legs have always been by far the most important. From a physical attraction standpoint I have always thought and have been willing to overlook much but it is difficult for me to overlook this aspect.

    I apologize to those who may get offended by this but I am stating it exactly as I feel inside.

    Now that I am considering marrying her I am having a difficult time. It is as if I have to give up forever the one physical aspect in a woman that I have always fancied over all else. It is not that there is no physical chemistry…furthermore it is not as if I can create an imaginary woman that is perfect; I have to decide in the world of reality. I am having a difficult time projecting into the future. Is this an issue that will always stay with me? How important does physical chemistry remain into the future? I know that from a personality perspective it is hard to find a better match; will I be foolish to give this up to pursue a stronger physical chemistry in particular if overtime it fades. On the other hand …

    I am sure I am not the only one who is in this boat. Any perspective or advice would be appreciated.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 03-09-2005, 05:42 PM   #2
    Ninispjc
    Inactive
     
    Join Date: Mar 2003
    Location: Western USA
    Posts: 1,757
    Ninispjc HB User
    Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    Whether this is something that will stay with you or not is totally up to you. I really think this is something youc an choose to let go of or not. I used to freak out about superficial things like this in my last relationship. Now that it's over and I've spent the last 7 years alone, and he has someone else, I spend a great deal of every day kicking myself for putting so much emphasis on little things that didn't matter in the long run anyway. I mean consider, most women's legs get heavier as they get older anyway, the hail damage sets in, after a baby or two the vericose veins start showing up, etc. It's nice to have someone we're physically attracted to, but on the other hand, no one's perfect. I think having a woman who doesn't have nice legs when you always dreamed of having a Mary Hart or whomever, only you can decide for yourself how important it is to you. I only hope you don't have to lose everything for good before you realize what's really important.

     
    Old 03-09-2005, 05:49 PM   #3
    glamourgal
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 504
    glamourgal HB User
    Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    I am not married, nor am I the best person to give advice (I need advice on things myself), but I was just wondering:

    Do you love this girl? (You never did say in your post although I assumed that you do since you are considering marriage.)

    Also, is this girl someone that you can imagine living the rest of your life without??

    If you can't, then on the grand scale of things it seems like the size of her legs would not be a problem.

     
    Old 03-09-2005, 06:10 PM   #4
    Kay33
    Senior Member
     
    Kay33's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2003
    Posts: 172
    Kay33 HB User
    Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    Well, as a married person, I can tell you if something bothers you before you get married...then, it will still bother you after you get married.

    Is this something you can learn to overlook? Only you can answer that..but I'd be pretty certain I could BEFORE I walked down the aisle.
    Good luck

     
    Old 03-10-2005, 12:06 PM   #5
    RICH7
    Senior Member
     
    RICH7's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 206
    RICH7 HB User
    Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by dvkd
    I am a man in a relationship with a woman. I am considering marrying her and need some advice especially from those who have been married. I have strong feelings for this woman. I am quite a particular person. I am not sentimental and by nature I am rational.

    From a personality perspective she is extraordinary-as close as possible to what I have always wanted. I am quite certain that our feelings are mutual in this respect. We match each other not just as friends but also as a man and a woman. She melts my heart by the way she sometimes responds to me. Physically, the chemistry is not as strong, in particular for me. It is not that she is an unattractive woman, in fact she is, but she has somewhat heavy legs. The problem is that as superficial as this sounds, of all physical attributes for me legs have always been by far the most important. From a physical attraction standpoint I have always thought and have been willing to overlook much but it is difficult for me to overlook this aspect.

    I apologize to those who may get offended by this but I am stating it exactly as I feel inside.

    Now that I am considering marrying her I am having a difficult time. It is as if I have to give up forever the one physical aspect in a woman that I have always fancied over all else. It is not that there is no physical chemistry…furthermore it is not as if I can create an imaginary woman that is perfect; I have to decide in the world of reality. I am having a difficult time projecting into the future. Is this an issue that will always stay with me? How important does physical chemistry remain into the future? I know that from a personality perspective it is hard to find a better match; will I be foolish to give this up to pursue a stronger physical chemistry in particular if overtime it fades. On the other hand …

    I am sure I am not the only one who is in this boat. Any perspective or advice would be appreciated.
    I am not married...and never have been.... but just think about this:
    If you did marry someone with the most beutiful legs you have ever seen...and then she got into a car accident and got her legs amputated...would you still love that person or divorce her because she had no legs???????????????????????????????????? ??

    I do think... that if you truely love someone --I mean really, truely love her...the legs would not be an issue.

    I can see in the start of a relationship this might bother you...but if you grow to love someone...that should sort of go away and you love that person for other reasons ..whether her legs are not exactly what you like or not.

    LOVE IS BLIND.....remember that...you should marry someone because you love everything about them...not just "some" or "most" things.

    Just my opinion...and re: relationships...I don't know much....but I guess that is what I would like if I were going to marry someone. TO LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM...GOOD OR BAD.

     
    Old 03-10-2005, 01:05 PM   #6
    ScruffyGuy
    Inactive
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 422
    ScruffyGuy HB User
    Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    [removed]

    The fact that you are giving this some serious thought would indicate that you are NOT, in fact, "shallow and superficial." You are considering both HER feelings and YOURS.

    I was with someone for fourteen years who was NEVER fully attracted to ME. So I'm giving you insight from the other side of the coin.

    What happened, ultimately? I was dumped, that's what. There was cheating accompanied by a life of zero sexual satisfaction and very, very little affection.

    Physical attraction is EXTREMELY important. Sure, it's nice to imagine a Hollywood-esque scenario wherein two people love each other so much that they ignore physical imperfections. Apparently a lot of folks here have watched "Tell Me That You Love Me, Junie Moon" a few too many times.

    In real life, it isn't always going to work this way.

    You enjoy what you enjoy -- and you should NOT have to make excuses for that nor should you have to NOT seek what you want in a woman.

    If someone is not physically attracted to their partner -- they should end it early before it becomes even more painful for bother parties. I wish I hadn't "wasted" fourteen years of MY life, that's for sure.

    On the plus side, I've since found that TONS of folks out there DO find me attractive. But when I lived with someone who did NOT, I had NO self-esteem at all, constantly wondered what was wrong with me -- and got NO answers because my partner wouldn't "hurt my feelings" by telling me. So I lived a life of no sex, no affection and nothing to boost my ego. I would have preferred all those years spent with someone who was into me, know what I mean?

    Don't ruin HER life and don't ruin your own.

    Last edited by Guardian; 03-10-2005 at 02:15 PM. Reason: removed comment that addressed another posters comment.

     
    Old 03-10-2005, 01:19 PM   #7
    here4support
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    here4support's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2004
    Posts: 754
    here4support HB User
    Thumbs down Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    Men never cease to amaze me!

    Yes I'm a female. I'm 28 and my husband is 32. I have been with him for 4 years and we have been married for almost 6months.

    I have to say that when my husband and I first met, I wasn't physically attracted to him. We didn't even start dating right away. I do believe that 6months went by and I ran back into him again. I decided that he was a nice guy and that I needed to give him a chance.

    Now I'm so glad that I did because he is the best thing that ever happened to my life

    My point is, that if you LOVE HER like you say you do, and there is all this "chemistry" there, then really you shouldn't even have to be questioning the part about her legs! I mean for me to read that it just seems insane.

    I'm a 28 year old woman and I'd like to think that I'm fairly attractive, however I know my body isn't perfect. I know that one of the things I LOVE about the opposite sex is the BUTT! Let me tell you something....my husband doesn't have one! It is flatter then flat! The poor guy has no cushioning what so ever. We always joke that we hope one day when we have kids that our baby gets my butt! lol

    I guess I'm just trying to say, I didn't marry my husband cause his butt is flat...or because he has a slight gut, or because he is on the heavy side. I married him for his love, his tenderness, and most of all, I married him for his heart. I don't care what ANYONE says- yes looks matter, TO A CERTAIN extent, but when it comes down to it, WHAT IS INSIDE A PERSONS HEART is what COUNTS THE MOST.

    Love doesn't show shape, size, color, race, ect. Love is Love.

    Do you love her?

    Last edited by here4support; 03-10-2005 at 01:21 PM.

     
    Old 03-10-2005, 01:23 PM   #8
    RICH7
    Senior Member
     
    RICH7's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 206
    RICH7 HB User
    Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ScruffyGuy
    I hope you will ignore the one very hateful, ignorant and cruel response that was posted here.

    The fact that you are giving this some serious thought would indicate that you are NOT, in fact, "shallow and superficial." You are considering both HER feelings and YOURS.

    I was with someone for fourteen years who was NEVER fully attracted to ME. So I'm giving you insight from the other side of the coin.

    What happened, ultimately? I was dumped, that's what. There was cheating accompanied by a life of zero sexual satisfaction and very, very little affection.

    Physical attraction is EXTREMELY important. Sure, it's nice to imagine a Hollywood-esque scenario wherein two people love each other so much that they ignore physical imperfections. Apparently a lot of folks here have watched "Tell Me That You Love Me, Junie Moon" a few too many times.

    In real life, it isn't always going to work this way.

    You enjoy what you enjoy -- and you should NOT have to make excuses for that nor should you have to NOT seek what you want in a woman.

    If someone is not physically attracted to their partner -- they should end it early before it becomes even more painful for bother parties. I wish I hadn't "wasted" fourteen years of MY life, that's for sure.

    On the plus side, I've since found that TONS of folks out there DO find me attractive. But when I lived with someone who did NOT, I had NO self-esteem at all, constantly wondered what was wrong with me -- and got NO answers because my partner wouldn't "hurt my feelings" by telling me. So I lived a life of no sex, no affection and nothing to boost my ego. I would have preferred all those years spent with someone who was into me, know what I mean?

    Don't ruin HER life and don't ruin your own.
    EVERYBODY'S LOOKS GO DOWN HILL...THAT IS LIFE. SO ...AFTER YOU MARRY SOMEONE AND YOU GET OLDER AND LOSE YOUR LOOKS...NO MATTER WHO YOU MARRY THAT WILL HAPPEN. YOU BETTER HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO HOLD ON TO.
    But if the legs bother you now....let that girl go. Don't marry her and then be thinking about how her legs don't look the way you would like. That is just crazy.

     
    Old 03-10-2005, 02:04 PM   #9
    snb82us
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    snb82us's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Sep 2004
    Posts: 21
    snb82us HB User
    Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    I can see this from both sides, only becuase I once was superficial. I always dated the "good looking" ones. However, as I've gotten older, I've realized what really matters to me and that is personality. Personally, somebody's personality can either make or break how attractive a person is. If you have a gorgeous guy with a crappy personality, it's just as unattractive as "a great girl with chubby legs". The guy I'm with right now is the greatest guy I've been with, and I'm so happy I persued it. Sad thing is, most girls would completely overlook him because he's "chubby". I guess that's their loss and definitely my gain. I also believe that love is blind, as I don't even see my bf as chubby, but he does. I feel if you really loved her, you wouldn't see this as a negative thing, you would love and accept her for who she is.

    Do you feel this is fair to her as I'm sure she would love you just as much when you get old, fat and bald. You stated in your first post that you are sure she feels the same - this doesn't sound like a very communicative relationship. If you find a great girl with great legs and she has a kid and gets fat legs, are you going to stick around? Or would you recommend her getting lypo?

     
    Old 03-10-2005, 02:28 PM   #10
    snb82us
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    snb82us's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Sep 2004
    Posts: 21
    snb82us HB User
    Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    I apologize if I was the one being rude, or if I added to the number of rude posts. I was simply trying to bring up some good points for him to think about. They are all relevant points, at least I thought.

     
    Old 03-10-2005, 03:03 PM   #11
    GirlHarley
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    GirlHarley's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2004
    Posts: 1,580
    GirlHarley HB User
    Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now....

    When we met - he had the abs of a six pack, he worked out -
    Now, he has a big fat beer belly or it's due to my Italian Cooking
    I love every inch of him. OH, he had lots of curly black hair too and it's turning white and he's balding he still Turns Me ON and I find him so attractive.

    Since your a leg man, there are always going to be Beautiful, young woman with those long, lean, and tan legs around.
    Either it's going to be this woman your going to marry or maybe you will find another woman with the legs you want - they still will age with time no matter what....

    How would you feel if this woman you are thinking of marrying says NO because she loves the heck out of you...but Your Bald and she wants a MAN with a Head of Hair....

     
    Old 03-10-2005, 08:53 PM   #12
    M1K3L
    Senior Member
    (male)
     
    M1K3L's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Nov 2004
    Location: Pensacola, FL, USA
    Posts: 247
    M1K3L HB User
    Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    I'm currently dating a girl who I don't find attractive... but she does have a great personallity.

    Just give it a chance... I know it's harder than said, but if you truely love her then looks shouldn't really matter much. In the start of the relationship, I could understand... but not when your talking about marrage.

    If it's a very very deal to you, and if it will bother you, then you really need to think about why you are with her in the first place.. and you don't want to mislead her..

    but seriously... that's shallow... The girl I'm dating is by no means attractive at all... at least to me, but she gots a good personallity so I'm giving it a chance. I can deal with looks most of the time... It's not a huge deal. I try not to judge people by their physical apperence, only by their personallity.

     
    Old 03-11-2005, 06:00 AM   #13
    RICH7
    Senior Member
     
    RICH7's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 206
    RICH7 HB User
    Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by here4support
    Men never cease to amaze me!

    Yes I'm a female. I'm 28 and my husband is 32. I have been with him for 4 years and we have been married for almost 6months.

    I have to say that when my husband and I first met, I wasn't physically attracted to him. We didn't even start dating right away. I do believe that 6months went by and I ran back into him again. I decided that he was a nice guy and that I needed to give him a chance.

    Now I'm so glad that I did because he is the best thing that ever happened to my life

    My point is, that if you LOVE HER like you say you do, and there is all this "chemistry" there, then really you shouldn't even have to be questioning the part about her legs! I mean for me to read that it just seems insane.

    I'm a 28 year old woman and I'd like to think that I'm fairly attractive, however I know my body isn't perfect. I know that one of the things I LOVE about the opposite sex is the BUTT! Let me tell you something....my husband doesn't have one! It is flatter then flat! The poor guy has no cushioning what so ever. We always joke that we hope one day when we have kids that our baby gets my butt! lol

    I guess I'm just trying to say, I didn't marry my husband cause his butt is flat...or because he has a slight gut, or because he is on the heavy side. I married him for his love, his tenderness, and most of all, I married him for his heart. I don't care what ANYONE says- yes looks matter, TO A CERTAIN extent, but when it comes down to it, WHAT IS INSIDE A PERSONS HEART is what COUNTS THE MOST.

    Love doesn't show shape, size, color, race, ect. Love is Love.

    Do you love her?
    Hi...just wanted to ask you something.... after you started going out w/your husband.... and you were not THAT ATTRACTED to him.... did you just start to fall in love with other sides of him and then DID YOU BECOME ATTRACTED TO HIM LATER??????????????????????????????????? ?????

    I am currently seeing a really really nice guy... at first I was not that attracted to him...he was shorter than I liked...and was not the "pretty boy" that I usually went out with. But ...my mom told me to give this guy a chance because he had alot of other great qualities. So...I did... and we have been seeing eachother now for over 2 months. But..........there are times when I wonder if I will ever be HEAD-OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH HIM AND JUST SOOOOOO ABSOLUTLY ATTRACTED TO HIM THAT I JUST CAN NOT STAND IT.

    I know it sounds dumb...but I have felt that way before and remember the feeling...like you just cant get enough of someone. Did that happen after time with your husband....did you get to that point with him...or do you just love him now because he is a really good person and you are still "not that attractive to him"...???????????????????????

    Just wondering...because...to be honest..I have been out with alot of nice looking, drop dead gorgeous guys and they didn't treat me very well...and now I have this guy who treats me GREAT... and my mom is telling me "don't let this one slip thru your fingers"........sometimes mom's know best...and I just don't want to screw things up by going only on the "looks". But...on the other hand...I don't want to get into something that I am not completely happy with.

    Did things change for you physically...towards your husband...or did you just get past it because of him having a good heart????????????

     
    Old 03-11-2005, 06:31 AM   #14
    here4support
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    here4support's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Dec 2004
    Posts: 754
    here4support HB User
    Talking Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by RICH7
    Hi...just wanted to ask you something.... after you started going out w/your husband.... and you were not THAT ATTRACTED to him.... did you just start to fall in love with other sides of him and then DID YOU BECOME ATTRACTED TO HIM LATER??????????????????????????????????? ?????

    Just wondering...because...to be honest..I have been out with alot of nice looking, drop dead gorgeous guys and they didn't treat me very well...and now I have this guy who treats me GREAT... and my mom is telling me "don't let this one slip thru your fingers"........sometimes mom's know best...and I just don't want to screw things up by going only on the "looks". But...on the other hand...I don't want to get into something that I am not completely happy with.

    Did things change for you physically...towards your husband...or did you just get past it because of him having a good heart????????????
    Hi RICH7

    I sure did start to fall in love with other sides of him. I also wasn't totally turned off by his looks. He just wasn't the type of guy I always would hunt down before. HE WAS NICE! All the men I dated before him were dogs. My husband is a very handsome Puerto Rican man and I love him to death. I was not 100% attracted to him, but once I started dating him and doing things with him ie: dinner, movies, hanging out, family parties- I grew to love his heart and once you love someone for their heart, their looks are just an added touch! I love my husband's jet black curly hair, his height, his smile, his crazy laugh, the way he walks. I hadn't noticed any of that when I wasn't giving him the chance. oh and I can't forget his sexy cute baby face!

    I'm telling you, give this guy you are with a chance. I would also have to say that after 3 or 4 months if you aren't "feeling" any sort of attraction to him, after knowing his "heart" and personality then maybe he isn't the right guy for you or maybe you are looking at the wrong things in a relationship.

    To me looks aren't everything, they matter, but not as much as heart, soul, and personality.

     
    Old 03-11-2005, 07:17 AM   #15
    RICH7
    Senior Member
     
    RICH7's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Feb 2005
    Posts: 206
    RICH7 HB User
    Re: Need advice: Physical attraction and relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by here4support
    Hi RICH7

    I sure did start to fall in love with other sides of him. I also wasn't totally turned off by his looks. He just wasn't the type of guy I always would hunt down before. HE WAS NICE! All the men I dated before him were dogs. My husband is a very handsome Puerto Rican man and I love him to death. I was not 100% attracted to him, but once I started dating him and doing things with him ie: dinner, movies, hanging out, family parties- I grew to love his heart and once you love someone for their heart, their looks are just an added touch! I love my husband's jet black curly hair, his height, his smile, his crazy laugh, the way he walks. I hadn't noticed any of that when I wasn't giving him the chance. oh and I can't forget his sexy cute baby face!

    I'm telling you, give this guy you are with a chance. I would also have to say that after 3 or 4 months if you aren't "feeling" any sort of attraction to him, after knowing his "heart" and personality then maybe he isn't the right guy for you or maybe you are looking at the wrong things in a relationship.

    To me looks aren't everything, they matter, but not as much as heart, soul, and personality.
    Like you said...I am not completely turned off my this guy.... of course not. But.... for instance...he is only 5'9...I am 5'6...I usually date guys that are alot taller than me...when I wear my shoes sometimes I am taller than him. I am not used to that. And that is of course something that will never change. But I can see now...after seeing him this long...it doesn't bother me as much as it did at first. There are a few other things that I was not attracted to when I first met him....but he is very nice, respectful, sweet, thoughtful....and not to mention NORMAL. Most guys I have dated have been sooo UN_NORMAL.... they have all had issues...they have all been full of themselves, selfish, cocky, and braggy. It is actually very nice to go out with someone that is not starved for attention from other girls...and is disrespectful. SO..... you actually knew you were in love with your husband after just a month or two??? And..... the question I asked before...were you guys already physical before you said you were falling in love????

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Just learned guy I'm seeing has Pure O: Need Advice stuckincolorado Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 1 04-19-2010 12:34 PM
    Having an affair and need to break away - need advise please Amethyst01 Relationship Health 18 10-13-2008 08:44 AM
    Confused need opinions! He Loves me, he Loves me not? sarah92202 Relationship Health 81 08-15-2008 02:27 PM
    I need honest opinions from men only and the truth only please VoodooQueen Relationship Health 20 03-06-2008 01:24 PM
    Need help getting my girlfriend to workout-serious LB23 Exercise & Fitness 55 01-26-2007 11:54 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:34 PM.





    © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!