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Lalli 03-15-2005 05:57 AM

Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
20/f I dumped my bf of 5 months about 3 months ago, December 18th. I work at the same place as him, a small pharmacy in a mall. The breakup went ok afterwards, we still spoke, he kept asking me to hang out with him, then begged me for another chance, demanded for a second chance. Almost sucked me back in but he didn't. He's also a recovering drug addict. He was clean 8 months before we started going out.

Well, I REALLY liked him, I don't know why, it was a one-sided relationship the whole way through. basically acted as his Narcotics Anonymous sponsor the whole time, or even his psychologist for those 5 months. The only thing he did for me was bring a rose to my house that he had gotten for free that night, and it smelled really weird.

The reason I'm posting is because I'm extremely obsessed with him. I think about him every hour of every day, wishing I was with him again. He was a really crappy boyfriend, and we didn't mesh well at all. Plus, I'm with someone new, my boyfriend from BEFORE the recovering addict, the one I dumped to go out with the jerk for. It's been 3 months and I can't stop thinking about him.

I dream about him every night. I want to call him and see him. I'm so angry, hurt and infatuated, and I can't get over it. It's actually getting worse since I have to see him every weekend for hours on end.

I'm currently looking for a new job, so I can get away from him and move on, because obviously I won't be getting over this when I have to see him every weekend. The obsession is getting worse, and I'm afraid of what it's doing to my mental health and my new relationship. I can't talk about this to anyone else because I have no friends.

Can someone just point me in the right direction as to how I can go about getting over this somehow? I'm getting close to calling him and asking to meet with him, which I definitely can't do since the relationship was so unhealthy itself.

does anyone have any advice or stories of their own that might help me get over this obsession?

Lalli 03-15-2005 06:58 AM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
bump?????????

Sugar64 03-15-2005 09:24 AM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
Hi Lalli...sorry to hear of what you're going through. I think looking for a new job would be the first step in the right direction for you. One of the reasons you're still obsessing is probably because you're still seeing him at work. That can't be helping. You need people and places that will give you something else to focus on. I'm surprised that being with someone new hasn't helped with this obsession, though. Do you truly care about this person, enough to be able to focus on him and let go of the ex-boyfriend? If this was a bad relationship with your ex, then you'll be able to see that in time and move on. Sometimes we can't see what's best for ourselves. I've been in relationships that I knew were bad, but just couldn't give up, and the only thing that helped me was focusing on other things and people. And time. Hang in there, and keep posting, venting will help, too.

reddoorblack 03-15-2005 09:39 AM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
[QUOTE=Sugar64]Hi Lalli...sorry to hear of what you're going through. I think looking for a new job would be the first step in the right direction for you. One of the reasons you're still obsessing is probably because you're still seeing him at work. That can't be helping.[/QUOTE]

Lalli: I totally relate and struggle with myself with the obsession thing. I also work with the creep and it makes things a million times harder. I avoid contact with him at all cost! You hit the nail on the head by calling it obsessing though. Here's an example from this very morning (and mind you, I am much, much better and am making progress every day at moving on) but I'm standing in front of the mirror getting ready for work and these thoughts of him keep bombarding my brain. Good thoughts, bad thoughts, hate thoughts, revenge thoughts. I actually stood in front of the mirror and told myself to STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM. He doesn't deserve that space in my life and in my head.

Every morning I have to see and/or walk past his vehicle in the parking lot - that doesn't help - or I'll hear his voice in the building and my blood boils. I've obsessed about him because what he did to me was very unfair and I've tried to work it out in my brain. I've been obsessed because he's moved onto another relationship so quickly. I've been obsessed because I was rejected and that's never happened to me. For whatever reason I obsess, IT'S NOT HEALTHY and I realize it.

Here's what I'm doing... I'm no longer waiting for him or wanting him; I know it's not going to happen and I don't want it to happen. I had to really, really let go.

Best of luck to you!!! I really wish there was a cure. This board has been a tremendous help to me over the months and I think it will be for you too.

Stillhope1 03-15-2005 03:11 PM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
New job would be best. I hope my ex thinks about me everyday and kicks herself in the butt for leaving. It is different I was perfect to her gave her everything and did everything for her. I was to nice. I was so in love. After a two week vacation at her families she told them she wanted to marry me. Then the day we got back she dumped me. It happens to guys to ladies. I will explain better when I have more time. I will post again Wen.

Piranna65 03-15-2005 03:54 PM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
Kind of ironic how he works at a pharmacy and is a recovering drug addict.

Anyway, I can totally relate to you on this one. I was with a guy that treated me the same way. He did get me 1/2dozen roses for my birthday. But we did only date for about 3 months, then broke up and still hung out, slept together went back out for another month before I dumped him and we still hung out. He went back to his X before me. Mostly because his family hated me they only wanted to see him w/her so it made it hard for him to give it his all.

And knowing he went back to her made me want him even more. Because i thought he was so perfect. It still makes my stomach hurt to know they are "on and off" again. But I know I am way better with out him. I know I made things harder on myself for sleeping with him for months afterwards. It made me feel good knowing I was still getting him even though she was "dating him" I felt great about it but at the same time wanted more.

I am now engaged to the most wonderful guy. He brings me flowers for no occassion and is constantly a nice guy. Believe me things will be better over time, but as other will say, you sometimes never forget or totally let go of that "one" person. I've dated guys b4 and after this "one" and I still think of him from time to time (not everyday or every week but at least once or more a month) Also I think i may be obessed with that gurl he went back to. I know where she lives, her screen name what kind of car she drives where she works. (only because she puts all of this information in her profile)

I still have a passion of hate towards her. But I do talk to him online once every blue moon. The last time i talked to him he told me he still loved me and wanted to be with me again. This was 2 years after we dated! Now i think he called her and gave her the same story because she flew down to where he is stationed in louisanna for spring break (another thing in her profile) and it make me sick because he tells me he hates her?!


Anyway. like i said I could ramble about my bone head for ever...but i think a new job would be the best for you. Having my x move away was the best thing for me. and it opened a new door, and ive been with this guy since....Good luck I promise things will get better...

Noliving 03-15-2005 04:15 PM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
Love is an addiction. Like all addictions there are withdrawl symptoms. What you're are experiencing is the withdrawl phase. Constantly seeing him will only prolong the withdrawl phase so getting a newjob and dropping contact with him is the right thing to do.

Lalli 03-15-2005 08:53 PM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
You're all right. I told my mom today that I can't stay there, because she's been trying to convince me to stay there since I like the job so much and I've never liked a job. But ever since I had started going out with him, I became very frustrated because of all the disappointments, and began to hit myself and scratched myself across the face and neck, which lasted a few days.

I've decided I need to buckle down and go back to the places I applied to and really try and get hired somewhere. I've also decided that I need to seek counselling (sp?) because of what this has done to me, and I've also had depression for many years on and off months on end.

What kinds of experiences have you guys had with one-sided relationships? And how long did it take you to realize how unhealthy it was? Any experiences with recovering addicts?

Thank you guys for giving advice, this website and all of you help a great deal with a lot of peoples' problems.

Stillhope1 03-16-2005 04:04 AM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
My opinion really does not count on this one. I was the one doing everything and she left. Here is the kicker I miss her......go figure.

reddoorblack 03-16-2005 06:24 AM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
[QUOTE=Noliving]Love is an addiction. Like all addictions there are withdrawl symptoms. What you're are experiencing is the withdrawl phase. Constantly seeing him will only prolong the withdrawl phase so getting a newjob and dropping contact with him is the right thing to do.[/QUOTE]

But what if you love your job? I'm in this situation. My office is literally a minute from my house, I'm paid pretty well, I love the people I work with, and for the most part, I love what I do. You're right, working with the ex does make it much harder but I feel like I would be running or letting him win if I would leave. I've considered it and I constantly look but I'm not leaving unless I find something better.

lisa24 03-16-2005 06:56 AM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
[QUOTE=Lalli]What kinds of experiences have you guys had with one-sided relationships? And how long did it take you to realize how unhealthy it was?[/QUOTE]
Oh man, DON'T feel bad at ALL!

You're doing good, you realize the situation and are trying to correct it. Credit yourself for that much.
Sad to say for myself, I hung on to a one-sided relationshipf for over 3 years!! And how long before I realized how unhealthy it was - I'll let you know when I DO realize it once and for all. I still don't think I get it, I still go back and forth about it over a year later since it ended.

I definitely recommend looking for a new job. I think the difference for Red is that she is alot further in her career and it isn't as easy to find a new job/ job you like as you get further in your career.
But if this job isn't going to become your career (guessing since you are still young) and you haven't been there a long time, why put yourself thru the unnecessary torture?
All I can tell you is if I hadn't made it so my ex couldn't contact me anymore, I'd still be right there waiting for him. If I saw my him today, I'd go running right back. How's that for weak.

Stay strong and stick to your guns. Try your hardest to focus on finding work, as a means of distracting your mind (I know that's the hard part).
Best of luck to you!
(And the counselling sounds like a good idea also, sounds like you're on the right track)

Lalli 03-17-2005 08:29 AM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
What kinds of unhealthy relationships were you guys in? Anyone have a relationship with a recovering drug addict?

Lalli 03-17-2005 08:34 AM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
He's always staring at me at work, like he has a radar that detects whenever I come into view. I went off on him, told him how much he messed me up, told him how fake he is and how I was his psychologist for 5 months. He just ignored me, told me he didn't want to hear my b*llsh*t, yeah he said that. He's fake because he comes across as the most polite person to everyone in the mall. I think he uses his addiction to make people think he's so courageous and strong for getting clean. I mean he thinks God put him on earth to act!

But anyway, I'd like to know what kinds of relationships you guys have been in, what the person did to you. Maybe if people who didn't know what was going on in the relationship thought he was the nicest guy and how that made you feel?

kdes 03-17-2005 08:48 AM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
Hay there, i read your cry for help and i wont you to know that your not alone in this world. As humans we are suseptable to all kinds of pains and discomforts in life, especially when it come to intimate issues like relationships. I can understand that your probably feeling powerless about the situation or unable to control your thought processes, maybe i can help you. As i was reading your posting i had an interesting insight that may benefit you. It seems as though you may have shared something very deep and personal with this man and as such it created a deep connection to which you are still 'clinging' to. Only you know if this is so and if it is, then active efforts to severe the connection including our lovely friend called time will help. The unfortunate reality of the situation is that the issue was created by both of you and now you must bear the responsibility to handle it. Perhaps your souls has choosen this particular situation to learn a specific lesson which will further your development. One thing i do know is that you are a wonderfull, strong and intelligent person who deserves all that life has to offer. You WILL heal and continue your life and you may end up helping someone with the exact same issue as yours. Be strong and know that you can achieve anything.... I wish you healing and blessing.

lisa24 03-17-2005 07:12 PM

Re: Obsessed and HATING it! Please help me
 
[QUOTE=Lalli]He's always staring at me at work, like he has a radar that detects whenever I come into view. I went off on him, told him how much he messed me up, told him how fake he is and how I was his psychologist for 5 months. He just ignored me, told me he didn't want to hear my b*llsh*t, yeah he said that. He's fake because he comes across as the most polite person to everyone in the mall. I think he uses his addiction to make people think he's so courageous and strong for getting clean. I mean he thinks God put him on earth to act!

But anyway, I'd like to know what kinds of relationships you guys have been in, what the person did to you. Maybe if people who didn't know what was going on in the relationship thought he was the nicest guy and how that made you feel?[/QUOTE]
Hi Lalli, I think when he approaches you/stares at you at work you should just ignore him. Walk away to the other side of the store. It's quite possible he is just looking to get a reaction out of you, and you are giving him just what he wants. That way you look like 'the wrong one' for yelling at him and such.

I was never involved with a recovering addict, so I can't relate there. And as far as everyone thinking he was the nicest person, well, as far as I know, most of the people I knew that knew him didn't even like him. :)
BUT HE thought he was the 'nicest person' or so he played himself to appear that way. So I can understand your getting angry at your ex when he approaches you. My ex always tried to act so noble about things after he would do wrong by someone. Just all a part of his game.

Are you searching for a new job? How's it going?


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