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    Old 03-18-2005, 08:51 AM   #1
    here4support
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    Unhappy My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    He hasn't really done anything in a long time, but I have this problem, like when he goes to watch games. I get this lonely feeling...and I know I carry an attitude like before he leaves.

    Let me go back a little bit to provide you with some background. When we first started going out, I didn't realize it, but Friday nights were his night that he went over his cousin's house and all his cousins would go there (I think maybe 5 or 6 of them) all guys. They watched sports and drank beer. Well when he first started dating me, he stopped going. I didn't even know about his Friday nights..until one day I was in the car with him and his pager was going off and it was them, wondering where he was...so that is when he told me he hadn't been there in a long time and how they go every friday and just chill over there.

    I found it as no big deal. Then as time went on, he started going back to that...I still found it as no big deal. I even went one time, but it was all guys and one girl (the wife of the guy's house they were at). It was pretty much not my thing and I felt uncomfortable. I also noticed how his one cousin drinks and drinks and drinks (and I already knew he was an alcoholic).

    So as time passed and Fridays came and went, he would spend more and more Fridays back in the old routine of going over there about 6pm-7pm and staying till maybe 11:30 or 12am. The thing is, my husband is diabetic. He would drink over there, they all drank to get buzzed. None of them would just casually drink. I didn't like it. So every Friday I would worry.

    My husband (boyfriend at the time) was not a drinker at home..he only drank there on Friday nights. Anyway, trying not to make this so long- we had many a conversations, especially about his one cousin (the alcholic) that was married with a baby and one on the way. How he shouldn't be drinking like that and being married, why is he over there every FRIDAY NIGHT drinking with the guys, when he has a family at home. I then expressed my concerns for Hubby's health and how I don't like how much he drinks when over there.

    The Friday night thing dwindled down, as the person who's house they hung at moved to a different location (not lives closer to the Alchoolic). So He hasn't been over to watch sports (he watches at home though LOL) and hasn't really done much with them.

    On Wednesday his cousin (the alcholic/which was the best man in our wedding and his wife was also in our wedding) called him. I had a feeling he would invite him to come watch some college games tonight (Friday) but Hubby didnt' say anything about it, so I didn't bring it up. Well today he called me at work and I said what are you doing after grocery shopping (we grocery shop together each friday...LOL I HATE IT but he doesn't want to go alone! LOL) he said well "so and so" said he might call me to come by and watch some hoops with him and "so and so".....

    I was like "whatever" .....I just immediatly revert back to the good old days (that weren't so good for me) when I'd wait up for him to come home, from those nights of watching hoops, or football or whatever was on...and I just don't like it...

    I'm sorry this was so long...and maybe not even making sense. If you have questions feel free to ask...

    I need to know why, if he is going to his one cousin's house (the alcholic) and I know his wife works Friday nights- they have 2 kids...why can't I go, just to be social? Why does it always have to be just the guys...I get irritated...plus in the winter EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY they go to someone's house to watch football games and I get annoyed with that too..

    Is something wrong with me?

     
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    Old 03-18-2005, 09:08 AM   #2
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    Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    Heart2heart.....I can understand your concerns and I think this is a good exampe of when a couple needs to compromise. I know you have concerns regarding the cousin who is an alcoholic but that is not your worry or concern. What you should focus your concerns on are your relationship with your husband.

    You need to make a reasonable compromise....you know that your hubby enjoys the football get togethers with his buddies even before you married. He probably would like to go every Friday night. You probably don't even want him to go. How about 2 Friday's a month or 1 that he knows that you are open to him having for his interest. It really doesnt' sound like you like football but want to go to babysit which will not do you or him any good So forget about that idea. You offer great advice here and I am sure that you can see that your feelings are stemming from a little insecurity and perhaps lack of trust....but from what I see your husband has not given you any reason to feel this way.

    Pick your battles, my friend. This is not one you should have an all out war over.....I know that you will figure something out that will keep both of you happy......Goody

     
    Old 03-18-2005, 09:22 AM   #3
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    Talking Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goody2shuz
    You need to make a reasonable compromise....you know that your hubby enjoys the football get togethers with his buddies even before you married. He probably would like to go every Friday night. You probably don't even want him to go. How about 2 Friday's a month or 1 that he knows that you are open to him having for his interest. It really doesnt' sound like you like football but want to go to babysit which will not do you or him any good So forget about that idea. You offer great advice here and I am sure that you can see that your feelings are stemming from a little insecurity and perhaps lack of trust....but from what I see your husband has not given you any reason to feel this way.

    Pick your battles, my friend. This is not one you should have an all out war over.....I know that you will figure something out that will keep both of you happy......Goody
    Thanks goody for replying

    I can guarantee you this is stemming from my insecurities with my own self, and you are totally RIGHT! I never told him he couldn't go, it just dwindled out, in fact he said it was getting old. As for football, I don't go to babysit him...nah. I like it. We've even gone to games together at the Stadium. I have my friends over when he goes on Sundays during the winter season, so I do like it. I have no reason not to trust my husband, and that is a fact. So it is totally my part, my problem, and I need to make it ok...for me..it really hasn't much to do with him, I make it about him. You are right though I must pick my battles and this shouldn't be one to go to World War over!

     
    Old 03-18-2005, 11:19 AM   #4
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    Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by here4support
    Thanks goody for replying

    I can guarantee you this is stemming from my insecurities with my own self, and you are totally RIGHT! I never told him he couldn't go, it just dwindled out, in fact he said it was getting old. As for football, I don't go to babysit him...nah. I like it. We've even gone to games together at the Stadium. I have my friends over when he goes on Sundays during the winter season, so I do like it. I have no reason not to trust my husband, and that is a fact. So it is totally my part, my problem, and I need to make it ok...for me..it really hasn't much to do with him, I make it about him. You are right though I must pick my battles and this shouldn't be one to go to World War over!
    H4S....You can understand your husband's need for a hobby and although you do like football that this is his time with friends...I mean if there are other wives going then by all means go. But if it's a chance for him to see his friends, I say learn to compromise and overlook your insecurities. I"m sure you trust you husband....making less over the situation may in the end be more in your favor since he doesn't see having to go out every Friday night as a priority in his life. Just let him see you understand his need to see the boys as long as he balances it with your needs as well. And it's good that you can admit that this is all about your insecurities within yourself and not a matter of your husband giving you any reason to not have your trust. ...Goody

    Last edited by goody2shuz; 03-18-2005 at 11:19 AM.

     
    Old 03-18-2005, 11:24 AM   #5
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    Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    Why don't you find something to do on Friday nights? Go out to dinner with your girlfriends or something.
    I understand your concerns with the drinking, but you have to trust that your husband will take care of himself.
    My boyfriend has these same types of nights and I used to wonder why I couldn't come with too...then I realized, it's because I don't like sports and I don't want to sit around in someone's living room howling at the TV, farting, and eating like a pig!

    I think it's important for each person in the relationship to still do the things they enjoyed doing before they met as long as its not anything bad. Watching basketball with his cousins isn't bad, give him a break. (I mean that in the nicest way, trust me I know how you feel. There are still times I get upset by him choosing to spend time with a TV instead of me. But that's who he is. He's still coming home to me!)

     
    Old 03-18-2005, 12:01 PM   #6
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    Talking Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    Ladies

    Thank you both so very much. I think the best thing is that I can come here, and there are people that support me and understand where I am "coming from". That is so important to me, and your words alone have helped so far and will help me get through this simple time of being alone. I know that sometimes we just have to look beyond our wild thoughts and insecurites to get somewhere better, and for my husband and I, I think it is best if I try really hard to send him off with comfort and love, instead of attitude and anger.

     
    Old 03-18-2005, 03:36 PM   #7
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    Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    I'm a little confused. Earlier in your first post you said you felt uncomfortable being there with the guys....later on you asked why you couldn't go along, why was it just the guys?

    I would worry about my husband driving home after drinking. My friend's husband got a DUI and it cost them thousands of dollars. If you're sure he won't be DUI, then I'd let him get his kicks and find something I'd like to do, i.e. go to bingo, hang out with a girlfriend, etc.

     
    Old 03-18-2005, 09:03 PM   #8
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    Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    I can relate because I feel like a football/basketball widow and I'm not even married. My boyfriend just stays home and watches the tv though. I'm looking forward to basketball season being over, except he tapes every game so sometimes he is watching a taped game, and I think it's live. I wonder if your concern is more over your husband's safety what with him being a diabetic and being around the alcoholic cousin, or if you just don't like being alone. When you are alone, do you sit around worrying about him or being angry, or do you have something to keep you busy? Or are you jealous of his male bonding time because you don't feel like he bonds enough with you? Just throwing some thoughts out there, because if you figure out what exactly about it bothers you, you could know how to deal with it better.

     
    Old 03-18-2005, 10:02 PM   #9
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    Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    hi Darling,
    I can relate to how that makes you feel....like when he goes off on Friday nights like that and you stay home wondering whats so special bout an old football/Basketball game/ you may think that "hummm he thinks that old basketball game and his buddies are more special than you'!! ...your to nice!!!

    MY g/f use to feel just like you ... only we would fight about it!! NOT IN A NICE WAY EITHER!! "My" day/night was Sundays during the NFL season and I would get with a few buddies and sometimes some of them would bring there g/f/ wifes along usally at a sports bar/pub....Well I took my g/f one time and she was bored stiff!!... This goes on from around 11:00am on in to the late evening hours some times after 11:00 0r 12:00 Midnight...

    Well we made a compromise...after the NFL SEASON I devoted more time with her...take her out more...go shopping with her (which I hate ) SHE HAS THIS THING BOUT BUYING PURSES? why I 'll never know?? She buys like 2 a week and Shoes she has 50 paris and she buys shoes?? why?....

    Well I promised her I would shut up about all that if she promised not to ***** about my footballing....we both agreed!! and I would just be a honey do for her for about the next 4 or 5 months during the "off season"....then when the NFL kicks-off...I get to go do my thing...she goes out with her g/f shopping and stuff like that ect,,,ect,,. That seems to work out pretty well with us!....the thing is she's lot smarter than me...but she don't know it....lol

    but... maybe being your married you may see a different light than us?....We both trust each other...although I would'nt blame her if she didn't trust me, my infidelity is not one to speak good about... But I'm doing better with that.....but if I'm watching football I don't think about other women...lol and she knows this....if that makes a lick sense to ya??
    Sports is something I really love and to watch it all day/night just relaxes me....especially if my team WINS...

    Last edited by chevyman; 03-18-2005 at 10:20 PM.

     
    Old 03-19-2005, 01:23 AM   #10
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    Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    Here4support, I feel for you and can understand why you're not all that pleased with this situation. I think I would feel the same way if I was in your shoes...however, have you ever considered trying to get into sports so you can be his sports-watching buddy rather than those neanderthals? I've always LOVED football--it's a great deal of fun to kick back all day Sunday with some drinks and just lie around watching game after game. I particularly love doing this with my fiance--he's my best friend, and we really enjoy spending this bonding time together each week during the winter. I'm not trying to say you should fake interest in something you don't like, but if you've never really watched the sports he likes, it couldn't hurt to give them a try. You might find that you like him and would be happy to watch the sports together--I'm sure he'd be very flattered that you were willing to experiment with his hobbies and relish the opportunity to teach you about his favorite sports. I bet if you liked to watch with him, he'd ditch those guys in an instant...you wouldn't even have to pay attention the whole time. My sweetie is really happy whenever I'm willing to cuddle with him while he's watching sports, even if I'm also playing on the internet or reading. I hope everything works out okay for you guys...take care and good luck!

     
    Old 03-19-2005, 05:02 AM   #11
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    Talking Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    Let me address all of you separatley:


    SNAILS: I actually do like sports. I love baseball and football! I don't care all that much for basketball but I do like going to the actual games. Watching it on TV isn't that fun for me. My husband and I definatley spend more time together then he does with his cousins. ("the guys") so I can't really say he doesn't bond with me. I also don't want him to ditch his friends (actually family) and what I don't want is for either one of us to totally lose ourselves in this relationship. I know I'm the one that needs to work on that, cause I'm famous for losing my "self" in relationships. I did great in the beginning, and I'm still a lot better then I use to be but I could do much better!




    CHEVYMAN: Hello again! I think you hit the nail on the head as far as my thinking goes. When he leaves me, whether it be to go watch football on Sundays, or to go just "hang out" with the guys at someone's house (he doesn't even go out to bars/clubs) my famous little inside voice says "He is going to forget all about you tonight/today and have so much fun with out you that he will be so happy not to be with you." Boy that is really hard to write here on these boards, but I'm trying to be truthful. So a big part of this is "how I think" he thinks. It isn't healthy and trust me I work on it constantly.f

    When my husband and I were dating/even engaged we fought a lot more, but things are different now, because I've worked on myself so much (through therapy) and I am a little different. I handle it a little different. I try my best not to pick fights about it. I just have to start handling my anger better and not get so mad that I show attitude. My goal is not to even think twice about it when he says he is leaving, I would like to get to a point where I can say "Ok, have fun and be careful". Then just let it go at that. Luckily my husband has NEVER given me any reason not to trust him especially as far as other women go and I'm very greatful for that. By the way, I LOVE PURSES and shoes, its' a GIRL THING! Just remember your g/f probably loves you a lot, and try to remember how much it would hurt her if you ever cheated. I've been through it, it isn't fun. Thanks for responding!




    mugwump: A large part of my concern for my husband is his safety with being diabetic, and drinking. It isn't a good thing and he knows that. He never really has drank so much that he was wasted and shouldn't have driven home. I can think of ONE time when he got plastered in the whole 4 years we've been together, it was tailgating at a football game, and he knew what he did was wrong. He WALKED HIS butt home that night! Didn't even drive. (that is a whole other saga LOL). Anyway my main concern though is that he stays healthy. He is 33 and I'm 28, we are trying to begin a family and I don't want him to die anytime soon if you know what I mean! You asked some questions that I think I should anwer:

    "When you are alone, do you sit around worrying about him or being angry, or do you have something to keep you busy?" Once he leaves I am ok, but then as it starts getting late, like 3 or 4 hours go by, I start my worrying back up again.

    " Or are you jealous of his male bonding time because you don't feel like he bonds enough with you?" I truly will say, my husband bonds with me enough, more then most probably ever do. I also have a lot of jealous tendancies and that comes from being insecure with myself as I've mentioned above, and I do work on this through therapy.

    Thanks for asking some hard questions, I try to be as honest as possible in my response. It helps when I go back and re-read this. It is like computer therapy for me




    Hangin in There: Usually it is just the "guys" that go to all those mini football parties on Sundays, since they don't go to the actual games but once a year, they sort of have their own thing at someone different house each Sunday during the season. For some reason none of their wives go (maybe they just don't like sports) and I think one reason is, they just want some male time to be together with out us women.

    Sometimes when husband is over someone's house I make arrangements to be with my friends, but other times I don't. It depends who is available. I try not worry myself too much but this time just got to me, I've been doing good though.



    To ALL of you: The update is, my husband didn't even go last night. They never called him to come over. I was even encouraging him to pick up the phone and call one of his cousins, but he said "I don't call married guys with children to see if they want to do something, if they want to they will get a hold of me." I told him it was still important to do things with his friends, and not sit home all the time. One year ago those words would have never came out of THIS MOUTH

     
    Old 03-19-2005, 05:49 AM   #12
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    Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    undefinedFunny it turned out that way.

     
    Old 03-19-2005, 05:50 AM   #13
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    Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    Just experimenting with different colors.

     
    Old 03-19-2005, 05:55 AM   #14
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    Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    Hi h4s!!
    I don't know if this will help, but:

    I FOR ONE ENVY YOU!!

    When I met my husband he had a sports thing he did on Tue evening, Thurs evening, and coached on Saturdays.
    I thought that was alot and whined a fair bit.
    When I finally got used to that, he bought into the business and now he's gone:
    6 days and 5 nights (till 12 mid) a week.

    What I wouldn't give for a husband who was gone one night, or one night & a Sunday afternoon a week.
    (Perspective is everything I imagine, huh?)
    Domer

     
    Old 03-19-2005, 10:23 AM   #15
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    Re: My husband may be going to watch some college basketball tonight and...

    Hi Darling,
    I think your last comments sums this all up quite well!

    I had a thought tho incase this issue pops up agian.
    I don't know if you ever sit down and talk to your hubby bout the way this makes you feel when he does leave and goes out with his buddies or not?
    That may be a good Idea? it certainly seems you guys have a wondeful relationship going.and I think thats wonderful...sometimes things going left unsaid will come back to haunt you later on.so in my way of thinking anyway "good communication" and "understanding" is the better side in a relationship.

    Now with that said.....bout that "girl thing"....what in the world do you guys want with all them shoes/purses?...I mean she "breaks" me buying all that stuff....we fight bout that a lot but I have to remember if she gets a little to upset..she always comes back with that silly compromise we made...she hits me in the face everytime with that!! grrrrr.....I'm just thinking we have Bills to pay is my point..... her thinking tho is usally as long as its for her it's ok.....I know she is a spoil little brat I guess it's my fault tho.
    I just take this all with a grain of salt and just go on...maybe someday she will see or we will have no money and she will have to start living like most common folks live.... useing a little common sense!!....boy she would really be up set if she seen me writing this...lol....but she's at work...he he he
    But I wish you and you hubby can work things out and I hope you get pregnant soon....we wanted to start a family but thats on hold....my /g/f just had a bad experince and she can't have children now... she is 27 I'm 29...so things will be changeing for us I'm sure!!..I wanted a family real bad..but who ever said lifes fair......its just what life has handed down to us.
    but I'm not going to let it get me down...I try to keep a humor side in me and thats what helps me make it through some pretty rough days.
    coming to thses boards it make me see that I'm not the only person with lifes every day troubles!...guess it just helps me vent maybe?
    Good Luck to you and your hubby..some day you guys will look back on all this and just laugh about it all..


    with a grand kid on your lap...lol

     
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